the other jokes

[Gawdzilla Sama]

"Lyons and Tygers and Barris', oh my!"

[Hydra009]

*at Jurassic Park*
*near a herd of dinos, and to be honest, I'm a little bit scared*

Tour guide: "Nothing to be afraid of, they're herbivores!"

Me visualizing modern herbivores: *elephant crumples a car like it's made of cardboard, rhino yeets a lion, two male moose fight for dominance in a parking lot and do unbelievable damage to the cars, a bull runs into a crowd of people, a horse bites a lady's ponytail and flings her, even pandas can go absolutely ape when threatened, and hippos are pretty much the most savage herbivore on the planet right now*

[Gawdzilla Sama]

And humans are animals of the worst sort.

[Unbeliever]

My doctor tried to rob a bank. He would have gotten away with it, but no one could read his hold-up note.

I heard that one on the Gong Show! 🤣

[Hydra009]

Listening to a court case and it's wild how influential lawyers are when they use an incredulous tone of voice.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've just heard the prosecution's case that the greeks - our friends - built us this lovely wooden horse and gave it to us in a goodwill gesture yet they're *allegedly* evildoers who wish us harm and secretly embarked hundreds of their soldiers in this lovely construction.  It's pure conjecture that rests entirely on fearmongering!

For starters, people require food and water and exercise.  I can't even sit in my office for an hour before needing to stretch my legs and the prosecution says they've been in there for hours.  And don't even get me started on the noise.  The cafeteria, also in my office, is filled with the din of people when there are only a couple dozen or so people in it and this wooden horse allegedly has hundreds of people inside.  Hear anything?  Exactly.

It just doesn't make sense.  The prosecution has no case."

Crossexamination:
Defense: "I remind you that you're under oath, do you seriously believe that the greeks mean us harm and through deception, snuck their soldiers into our fair city?"
Witness: "I do"
*outrage spreads through the court*
*Judge bangs gavel* "Order in the court!"

*prosecution snaps a photo of part of a hand poking through the wood*
Defense: "Objection!  Inadmissible evidence."
Judge: "Sustained.  Jury is instructed to forget the hand photograph"

After 2 minutes of deliberation, jury finds that there are no soldiers in the wooden horse.  Court ends and those who side with the prosecution are told to "sleep off their suspicion"

[Unbeliever]

I am God. I know that I am God because when I pray, I'm talking to myself.

[Unbeliever]

I was watching Jane Fonda on Johnny Carson, and she said her son had seen Zsa Zsa Gabor on his show, with a cat on her lap. She asked Johnny if he'd like to pet her pussy, and he said, "sure, if you'd get rid of that damned cat."

[Hydra009]

*goes back in time a few centuries*
*accidentally trips over a chair*
*comes back to the future, watches a Marvel movie*

*undead monsters batter the hero's large rectangular shield, Pluto appears triumphant*
Hero: "He's too strong, even with my Foris Ultima, I can't...
Jupiter: "Are you Janus, the God of Shields, hmm?  You are made of the stuff of time.  Beginnings and endings.  Time to end this."
*Led Zepplin's Rock and Roll plays*

[Unbeliever]

"You can't eat your cake and have me too."
Betty Cracker

[Gawdzilla Sama]

"You can't eat your cake and have me too."
Betty Cracker

All the Betty Crackers I know would be fine with that.

(Cracker is a codename for hillbilly in these parts, ya'll.)

[Unbeliever]

Lately, everything's been coming up roses for me. Trouble is, I only planted tomatoes.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Lately, everything's been coming up roses for me. Trouble is, I only planted tomatoes.

Stop buying your starters at Chernobyl.

[Unbeliever]

Scientists have finally determined where the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs came from: space.

[Hydra009]

Musical Pitch Meeting:

Label Guy: Thanks for coming, Blur, what do you have for us today?
Blur: Song #2 *snickering*
Label: Working title?
Blur: No.
Label: So, what's the song about?  What are the lyrics?
Blur: Don't know and don't know. 
Label: Are you guys pranking me?
Blur: Kinda, but it's going to sound really good.  Like pure, concentrated adrenaline.  Think that'll sell?
Label: To be honest, it just sounds way too extreme to ever really catch on.  Fingers crossed, though.

Label:  Thanks for coming, Lenny Kravitz, what do you have for us today?
Lenny:  Fly Away.  It's all about escape and freedom.  I thought I'd start out with rhyming couplets about flying away.  Fly-sky-high-dragonfly.
Label:  Uhh, you already said fly.
Lenny:  Yeah, I did.  Then I say seas-degrees-please.
Label: Wow, what an amazing 30 seconds!  I can't wait to hear the other wacky rhymes you come up with for this track.
Lenny:  That was almost all of them.  I mostly just say 'I want to get away' for the rest of track.  Over and over and over again.
Label: Well, that's going to get old quick and probably not sell well.
Lenny:  It'll make a fortune.
Label: I love it!  I'm gonna buy a new Hyundai!  Oh yeah!

Label: Thanks for coming, Daft Punk, what do you have for us today?
Daft Punk: Around the world.
Label: Nice, what else?
Daft Punk: Around the world.
Label: Uhhh...is there an echo in here?
Daft Punk: Nah, we're just trying out an experimental new thing where we sample someone else's music on a repetitive loop and see if we can vary it up enough to you know...avoid clinical brain death.
Label: So, how many times do you...I mean they, say 'around the world'?
Daft Punk: 144 times in 4 minutes.
Label: That's about once every two seconds?!  This is going to be a huge flop.  Oh man, I'm gonna lose my-
Daft Punk: Not only is it going to be a hit, it's going to be a part of an animated music video for the entire album and it's going to be a cultural touchstone.
Label: Kids these days...ok, you sold me.  Let's shoot for the stars!  No, make that interstellar space!

[the_antithesis]

The one I had next to no context for was the Daft Punk one. I do not think I have ever listened to them and after check out the, pointedly not animated, video I cannot comprehend the mind that would recall this music after listening to it. It would be like looking up an episode of Friends or the Far Side where all of them are "the one with ___." I couldn't pick this song out of a line up if it murdered my children.