95% of all German Shepherds are dogs.
The other 5% are German Shepherds.
======================================================================
Two cows standing in a field. One cow asks the other "So are you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other cow says "Not at all; I'm a helicopter!"
=======================================================================
Two Mafia hitmen were walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says, "Man, it's creepy walking out here at night like this. Who knows what could be out there in the dark"
The other says, "Huh, you think YOU'RE scared? I'm the one who has to walk home alone!"
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/06/48/f5/0648f5a87748724a1efda6e14e05c8f0.jpg)
Did Monica Lewinsky move to Cuba because Castro had bigger cigars?
I lost my job as a zookeeper, there was a load of signs everywhere saying "Don't feed the animals" so I didn't.
I asked my yoga teacher if she could teach me to do the splits.
She asked me about how flexible I am.
I told her that I could only do Thursday afternoons.
I've got to the age of 52 without using essential oils, makes me wonder how essential they actually are..
Maybe they should be called optional oils.
I split up a fight between a bind man and a deaf bloke. I hate senseless violence.
I'm here all week.
My uncle died recently. He drowned. I bought a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.
Before me my wife was in a relationship with a clown.
I had some large shoes to fill.
Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets or as some people call them the in-laws staying over.
Another parent outside school asked me what year my daughter was in.
I said "2022, what year is yours in you weirdo."
Impotence. I've thought long and hard about it.
The scariest thing that I have ever done is a skydive. I got into the plane and they strapped me to this bloke.
Halfway down he said "So, how long have you been an instructor?"
I did stand up comedy a few years ago. It didn't go very well, as I walked off the stage I heard just one person clapping but quite slowly.
Then I remembered that I was wearing flipflops.
My best mate lost the use of his left side. He was alright in the end.
Jesus walks into a hotel, puts some nails on the counter and asks if they could put him up for the night.
Quote from: ManUfan on October 26, 2022, 04:13:31 PMI hate senseless violence.
One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise and came and killed the two dead boys.
🙊🙉🙈
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 07, 2022, 11:49:40 PMOne bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise and came and killed the two dead boys.
🙊🙉🙈
And if you don't believe the story is true, ask the blind policeman, he saw it too.
Two snowmen were talking one said "Can you smell carrots?"
Why has Santa got such a large sack?
He only comes once a year.
I hate Christmas.
Not only did I lose my job as a zookeeper, I lost my job as a firefighter. I blame my dad, he told me to fight fire with fire.
My therapist asked me if my mother chastised me as a small boy.
I said " let's get one thing straight, my mother was never a small boy."
Alcoholics anonymous. What a con. I had to say "I am Chris, and I'm an alcoholic."
I went to the doctor's and told him that I keep thinking that I'm a dog.
He told me to take a seat. I said " I can't I'm not allowed on the furniture."
He asked me how I was feeling.
I said " Rough "
What did the Buffalo say to his child when he left home?
Bye son.
Her: *tastes my spaghetti sauce*
Me: How is it?
Her: It's like an orgasm in my mouth.
Me: That good, huh?
Her: No, it is way too salty.
The Kotter jokes?
RIP Gabe Kaplan
He (Kaplan) reminds me of Groucho.
Yeah, but people actually laughed at Groucho's jokes... 🤪
Wow! I was actually thinking "elephant" before she guessed "elephant." 😄
Why couldn't the elephants swim?
They'd forgotten their trunks.
Kill me now.
M
I
Quote from: ManUfan on January 23, 2023, 04:30:22 PMWhy couldn't the elephants swim?
They'd forgotten their trunks.
Kill me now.
Elephant jokes--it's been ages!!
Why do elephants have big balls?? They like to dance.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in the strawberry patch.
Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? To spring through the trees raping monkeys. What's the worst sound an monkey can hear?? Sprong, sprong..........................
Okay, okay, I'll stop.
A
Quote from: Mike Cl on January 24, 2023, 10:34:02 AMElephant jokes--it's been ages!!...
I can never remember elephant jokes.
Quote from: the_antithesis on January 28, 2023, 01:52:45 PMI can never remember elephant jokes.
It is a curse!
Why do elephants lay on their backs with their feet in the air? They like to trip bluebirds.
Okay--enough, right?
What about Bob jokes? Okay..............
What do you call an armless, legless man in a swimming pool? Bob
What do you call an armless, legless man by the front door? Matt
What do you call an armless, legless man hanging on the wall? Art.
And everybody's fav, ethenic jokes--from 65 years ago (I don't tell these anymore, so the following is not from me)
What is the world's smallest book? The book of Italian (or French, or Polish or...........) war heroes.
Why do fly' s have wings? To beat the Italians (Or Irish, or Polish, or.............) to the trash cans.
How can you tell who the bride is at a Polish wedding? She is wearing a pressed bowling shirt--or she has her armpits breaded.
Brought to you by the good old days.....................
Th
Quote from: Mike Cl on January 28, 2023, 02:12:58 PMIt is a curse!
What about Bob jokes? Okay..............
What do you call an armless, legless man in a swimming pool? Bob
What do you call an armless, legless man by the front door? Matt
What do you call an armless, legless man hanging on the wall? Art.
Brought to you by the good old days.....................
The only one of those I ever devised was:
What do you call an armless, legless man in the air over Iraq?
Sam
I came up with that one about 20 years ago, when it was more relevant.
Armless, legless man in a bush- Russel.
Ma
Terrible jokes in my teen years.
What is short, fat and goes, putt, putt??
A short fat Indian on a golf course.
What is black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black and blue?
A nun falling down the stairs.
What do you call a Mexican Knight?
The Chosen Juan.
Since we (atheists) eat babies--the following:
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall red?
Depends upon how hard you throw them.
How many dead babies does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends upon how thin you slice them.
Blonde jokes--there were tons of those...............
What can strike a blonde without her (or him) even knowing about it?
A thought.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
She had a nasty habit.
An
What happened when Jesus went to mount olive?
Popeye kicked the shit out of him.
What's green and smells of pork?
Kermit the frogs middle finger.
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
I was going to buy eight legs of venison but it was too dear.
What's red and goes around knocking on windows?
A baby in a microwave.
What's red and sits in a corner?
A naughty strawberry.
It's really annoying having a wife called Alexa.
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/96/6d/f8/966df840d8f51648b19b86da4f70cbc3.jpg)
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/9d/55/a8/9d55a8aee0ee31a0747d96c543f7bfd3.jpg)
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/dd/1e/1a/dd1e1ac61fafa4145fbb7c20fd0ac1fa.jpg)
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/a0/f2/85/a0f28505f673e872b439a041b23ba000.jpg)
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/85/d0/d1/85d0d132161175f48775379ee6210730.jpg)
What starts with an "f" and ends with "uck"?
Firetruck
M
Yo
I
M
There really is no such thing as a vampire. Unless you count Dracula.
T
M
I
dr
A
A
M
There is this joke about a boomerang i can't quite recall.
I'm sure it'll come back to me.
A
A
You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
I've only just discovered Dave's World, by watching Night Court clips on YouTube.
Here's one that I heard in the very first episode:
Why did the dumb blonde stare at the orange juice carton?
It said "concentrate."
Here's an old limerick I just remembered:
A crusty old whore named Louise
Had cunt-hair that hung to her knees.
So the crabs in her twat
Tied the hair in a knot
And constructed a flying trapeze.
🙊🙉🙈
A busy young hooker named Randles
Is famed for the men that she handles
She said, "When things get real busy
"My cunt gets all jizzy,
And my legs look just like wax candles!".
Over at JREF we used to have a thread about limericks in which the first line was given and we had to come up with the rest of a limerick.
I was once given the line:
Just one drop of this golden elixir,
So I came up with:
Just one drop of this golden elixir
(And perhaps just a small bit of mixer)
He was ready for sex
With lingual effects
'Cause his girlfriend just loves when he licks 'er!
They gave me some grief for it, but
hell, what else rhymes with "elixir? 🤔
Another line I was fed was:
A sasquatch with fleas in his fur
So I came up with:
A sasquatch with fleas in his fur
Scratched so fast that his hands were a blur.
He had fur when he started,
But soon it departed,
Then it was obvious - "he" was a "her."
🤫
Quote from: Unbeliever on March 13, 2023, 11:41:12 PMOver at JREF we used to have a thread about limericks in which the first line was given and we had to come up with the rest of a limerick.
I was once given the line:
Just one drop of this golden elixir,
So I came up with:
Just one drop of this golden elixir
(And perhaps just a small bit of mixer)
He was ready for sex
With lingual effects
'Cause his girlfriend just loves when he licks 'er!
They gave me some grief for it, but
hell, what else rhymes with "elixir? 🤔
Just one drop of his golden elixir,
Would give the cowgirl her fixer.
Thanked the barkeep soon.
Was almost high noon.
She walked out clutching her sixer.
What is jref btw?
The James Randi Educational Foundation, a skeptic's forum.
What monster plays the most April Fool's day jokes?
Prankenstein 🤢🤮
I bet this book is a frikken riot.
Stuff just like this, no doubt:
How long did Cain dislike his brother?
Answer: As long as he was Abel.
I just can't think of anything less funny than an evangelical Christian trying to be funny. It always appears to me that they think they deserve extra points just for trying.
(https://i5.walmartimages.com/asr/1fd1c394-f543-4f10-86b6-9c17f971a666_1.96753c35b83cf67d7c110a883a615777.jpeg?odnHeight=612&odnWidth=612&odnBg=FFFFFF)
What did the atheist soldier say when staring down the barrel of a gun?
"Help me, God."
Que laughing track.
Why should you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Quote from: drunkenshoe on May 16, 2023, 04:27:47 PMWhy should you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
*dark matter has entered the chat*
*chat dissolves into a sea of dark energy*
What do you call a cave man that is prone to wander?
A meanderthal.
Did you hear about the man who fell from the roof of a night club?
Police have confirmed he was not a bouncer.
What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium.
Did you hear about the band leader who had twin daughters? He named them Anna One, Anna Two... 🤣
Quote from: the_antithesis on June 10, 2023, 12:48:27 AMWhat do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium.
Did you know that DNA is made out of bases?
Wait...
Ah mean oh acids.
A few puns make me numb, but math puns make me number...🤔
If money doesn't grow on trees why do banks have branches? 🤔
I'm pining for a good tree pun, I wish they were more poplar...🌳🌴🌲
Ducks have feathers to cover their butt quacks... 🦆
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know which comes first. 🤣
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
🤣
A farmer snapped a cob of corn in half. The sound was earsplitting.
Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
I heard a conspiracy theory about rubber bands, but it was a bit of a stretch.
A sardine is a little fish that smells like a finger.
Taken straight from Redd Foxx.
😆
Another stolen from Redd Foxx:
What's the difference between meat and fish?
Hard to beat your fish.
One from another forum-
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
Can't marmalade your dick up your wife's ass.
NB: I've never done that. I have enough pride in the old unit to not shove it into a sewer pipe.
That's an exit!
Quote from: Dark Lightning on July 13, 2023, 08:41:05 AMOne from another forum-
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
Can't marmalade your dick up your wife's ass.
NB: I've never done that. I have enough pride in the old unit to not shove it into a sewer pipe.
The thing is...it's not about your unit....some like it hot. Some love it hot. Give 'em what they want....lil kinky but what they want is what they want. Give it to em. Sides....."shit" be tight as hell.....most the time..
Quote from: Dark Lightning on July 13, 2023, 08:41:05 AMOne from another forum-
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
Can't marmalade your dick up your wife's ass.
NB: I've never done that. I have enough pride in the old unit to not shove it into a sewer pipe.
Then why is it right next to the kitchen? 🥴
Quote from: Unbeliever on July 13, 2023, 09:27:09 PMThen why is it right next to the kitchen? 🥴
Intelligent Design?
Just heard this from the guys who do Pinky and the Brain:
If Jack's black, and Betsy's white, is Marvin gay? 😆
OMG, listening to Pinky and the Brain doing Who's on First was glorious! 🤠
A writer in prison knows all the prose and cons
How do you date fossils?
Well, first you have to ask if they're single... 🖖
Quote from: Unbeliever on July 25, 2023, 01:27:29 AMHow do you date fossils?
You can find them at an antique store. They love old things with sedimentary value.
A friend of mine wanted me to go spelunking with him. I was hesitant, but eventually I caved.
world's worst phonetic alphabet:
A - Aisle
B - Bdellium
C - Chaos
D - Django
E - Eye
F - Fjord
G - Gnash
H - Heir
I - Ian
J - Gif
K - Knight
L - Llaneros
M - Mancy
N - Night
O - Ouija
P - Pterodactyl
Q - Quay
R - Rhizome
S - Svelte
T - Tsunami
U - Urn
V - Vsevolod
W - Wrong
X - Twitter
Y - You
Z - Zsolt
How is a young-Earth creationist different from a kleptomaniac?
One takes everything literally, the other takes everything, literally.
😆
X=Twitter, LOL!
If Bigfoot sits on something it gets sasquashed.
🤪
I ran into a sasquatch at the supermarket. We got to talking. He said he was considering leaving his body to pseudoscience.
I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to 'spot me', and let me know when I hit the wall.
I heard a bang.
"3:45 PM", he said.
I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist
My boss said I rub people the wrong way.
Why do frogs like beer?
It's made of hops.
🤪
A man goes to the doctor with a waxy buildup in his ear....
The doctor asks, "so which ear is it?"
The man says "2023."
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colors?
He had a reptile disfunction.
What was the budget on the giant lizard movie?
A godzillion dollars.
Math puns are the first sine of madness.
My wife didn't want me to make cheese out of her breast milk, but eventually I got my whey.
Ouch, that one actually hurt! 🧀
When deciding whether to be a plumber or a lifeguard, you either sink or swim.
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar and the barkeep says, "Oh no, not U2 again".
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 and lost.
The odds were against me.
On night little Jonny walks in on mommy and daddy having sex.
Mommy is going up and down on daddy when she notices little Jonny and stops.
Little Jonny asks, "What are you doing mommy?"
Mommy doesn't want to get into the birds and the bees right now so she says, "Sometimes daddy's tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out."
Jonny replies, "Don't worry about that, mommy. Every morning when you leave the maid comes in to blow it back up."
What is black and white and dead all over ?
A zombie zebra.
Maybe we should try unplugging the United States and plugging it back in?
People who play soccer (oops, I mean football!) are very goal oriented.
Quote from: Unbeliever on October 01, 2023, 11:07:33 PMMaybe we should try unplugging the United States and plugging it back in?
Congress is way ahead of you on that.
Quote from: Unbeliever on October 02, 2023, 05:40:57 PMPeople who play soccer (oops, I mean football!) are very goal oriented.
I used to pave cul-de-sacs. It was a real dead-end job.
I wanted to go for a bike ride today, but my bicycle was two tired.
How does the Catholic Church make holy water?
They boil the hell out of it.
Stephen King's son is named Joe. I'm not joking. He is, though.
A lesbian book is like a straight book, except it has a climax.
Taylor Swift has a tight end.
Quote from: Unbeliever on October 11, 2023, 09:12:01 PMTaylor Swift has a tight end.
I liked this before I thought that maybe she was dating a football player. ? I'm not embarrassed about what I don't know about celebrities, btw. They define incredibly little about my life.
Yeah, her boyfriend is a football player. Guess what position he plays.
Taylor Swift?
Who's he?
Just some guy.
Are monsters good at math?
No, not unless you Count Dracula.
I knew a guy who wanted to get rich, so he only ate fortune cookies.
Now my friend who wants to get rich will only wear cashmere sweaters...
The hunter easily shot the water fowl, because it was a sitting duck... 🦆
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
George Carlin
🤣
I heard the cops arrested a demon. They got him on possession.
What's the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
An outlaw is wanted.
Only the mediocre can always be at their best.
H. L. Mencken
What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a skunk?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Quote from: Mike Cl on October 16, 2023, 08:50:35 AMWhat's the difference between a dead lawyer and a skunk?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
I remember a time when lawyers and the 'rule of law' were respected in general. When you look at today's SCOTUS and lawyers such as Sidney Powell and Rudy Giuliani, where is the oversight?
I never eat salmon, so I don't have to worry about getting salmonella.
How fast was Gulliver's Travels written?
Swiftly.
Said one DNA molecule to another:
Do these genes make my butt look big?
Wife: "Does this dress make my butt look big."
Me: "The dress doesn't, no."
Now she's my ex-wife :D
What's the difference between incels and eggs?
At least eggs can get laid... 🪺
I want to be cremated, as that's my only hope for a smoking hot body.
Today the police arrested a whole flock of chickens.
They suspected fowl play.
A guy in the local bar asked me if I knew any good rope jokes.
I said "I'm a frayed knot."
Do evil hens lay deviled eggs?
I love to drink milk - it's udderly delicious.
I don´t trust mermaids.
There is something fishy about them.
Did you know that kangaroos can jump higher than the average house?
It's because of their strong hind legs, and the fact that the average house can't jump.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
Mahatma Gandhi was known for walking hundreds of miles barefoot. Over time he developed incredibly thick calluses on his feet stronger than the soles of many boots.
He also ate lightly and fasted often, which left him frail and gave him chronically bad breath.
And do you know what this made him?
A super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
I thought my friend Terry was crazy when he said he had lice, so I told him he should have his head examined.
What good is having cake if you can't eat it too? 🤔 🍰
I have a penis joke, but it's too short
I have a math joke but it doesn't add up
Quote from: Cassia on October 19, 2023, 10:49:58 PMI have a math joke but it doesn't add up
I'd tell a joke about Pi but it'd just go on forever.
Quote from: Hydra009 on October 19, 2023, 10:58:21 PMI'd tell a joke about Pi but it'd just go on forever.
At least it doesn't repeat.
Rodney Dangerfield told one of my favorite jokes, about his family being so poor when he was a kid that they couldn't afford to buy him any toys. So if he hadn't been born a boy he'd've had nothing to play with.
🤣
I asked my uncle, the trucker, if he would ever quit driving. He said no, he's in it for the long haul.
I was never here.
I used the word "coincidental" and got accused of being an anti-dentite.
What do you call a pachyderm demon?
A hellephant!
"Here" and "there" are relative terms, but since I have no relatives I was neither here nor there.
😉
Rodney Dangerfield told Johnny Carson he was having trouble with his dog. She's a female, and when he tried to mate her she wanted 50 biscuits.
Quote from: Unbeliever on October 29, 2023, 05:21:28 PMRodney Dangerfield told Johnny Carson he was having trouble with his dog. She's a female, and when he tried to mate her she wanted 50 biscuits.
no respect
Wizards don't fart, they cast smells.
🤢
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 01, 2023, 12:34:00 AMWizards don't fart, they cast smells.
🤢
Wizards make for terrible CEOs. They always call for staff meetings.
Quote from: Hydra009 on November 01, 2023, 01:24:08 AMWizards make for terrible CEOs. They always call for staff meetings.
They're not fired, their staff is broken!
Quote from: Gawdzilla Sama on November 03, 2023, 05:58:06 PMThey're not fired, their staff is broken!
On the plus side, they always arrive for meetings on time, neither early nor late. At least, from a certain point of view. (RIP Haldir)
The similarities between baseball and bowling are striking.
A guy was riding a donkey when someone threw a rock at him and he fell off. He was stoned off his ass.
If zombies come to your door on Halloween, you should probably opt for the trick, since your candy isn't likely to be the treat they crave! 😵
This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
Someone once asked me if I could speak to someone alive or dead, who would I pick. I said alive.
Yeah, kinda hard to speak to someone who's dead - unless you're a necromancer...like Whoopee Goldberg in whatever that movie was. 👻
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 14, 2023, 11:29:36 AMYeah, kinda hard to speak to someone who's dead - unless you're a necromancer...like Whoopee Goldberg in whatever that movie was. 👻
Ghost
I wonder how a ghost could be either seen or heard, given that they aren't physical, natural things. In order for someone to see a ghost it would have to either reflect or emit photons. And in order to be heard it would have to be able to affect the air molecules. If it could do any of that stuff it would be natural.
🤔
Quote from: Hydra009 on November 14, 2023, 02:27:22 AMSomeone once asked me if I could speak to someone alive or dead, who would I pick. I said alive.
Me: Dead, my third wife.
He: She's dead?
Me: No.
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 14, 2023, 04:24:30 PMI wonder how a ghost could be either seen or heard, given that they aren't physical, natural things. In order for someone to see a ghost it would have to either reflect or emit photons. And in order to be heard it would have to be able to affect the air molecules. If it could do any of that stuff it would be natural.
🤔
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 14, 2023, 04:24:30 PMI wonder how a ghost could be either seen or heard, given that they aren't physical, natural things. In order for someone to see a ghost it would have to either reflect or emit photons. And in order to be heard it would have to be able to affect the air molecules. If it could do any of that stuff it would be natural.
🤔
Total agreement. But if religious people can believe in a holy ghost, why not a regular ghost? And Hollywood believes in money and will make a movie about anything--if there is a buck in it.
Quote from: Gawdzilla Sama on November 14, 2023, 06:49:59 PMMe: Dead, my third wife.
He: She's dead?
Me: No.
No offense, but I'm genuinely glad that Millennials are killing WifeBad humor.
Quote from: Hydra009 on November 14, 2023, 11:38:04 PMNo offense, but I'm genuinely glad that Millennials are killing WifeBad humor.
I am often told I am very strange because I still spit-up my milk when these guys are on. In certain stressful situations if often wonder "what would Curley do?" and then I regain perspective. I can usually think of much better things to do than sitting around waiting to become offended.
(https://www.cantonrep.com/gcdn/authoring/2016/03/30/NREP/ghows-OH-72b19521-4da1-4dcf-b23c-0e4f4d5e9628-37fe5a84.jpeg?width=576&height=422&fit=crop&format=pjpg&auto=webp)
For some reason, I find their antics hilarious in black and white, but they're insufferable when set in the present day.
*breaks chandelier* 😆
*breaks gaming pc* 😡
Quote from: Cassia on November 15, 2023, 09:07:36 AMI am often told I am very strange because I still spit-up my milk when these guys are on. In certain stressful situations if often wonder "what would Curley do?" and then I regain perspective. I can usually think of much better things to do than sitting around waiting to become offended.
(https://www.cantonrep.com/gcdn/authoring/2016/03/30/NREP/ghows-OH-72b19521-4da1-4dcf-b23c-0e4f4d5e9628-37fe5a84.jpeg?width=576&height=422&fit=crop&format=pjpg&auto=webp)
I'm a victim of coicumstance ... nyuk nyuk nyuk
"A wise guy, aye?"
A blonde wanted to go to the beach, so she got in her car and drove toward the ocean. When she got close she saw a sign that said "Beach Left" so she did a U-turn and went home.
My favorite Stooges was when they were using a Renault FT-1 as a tractor. You can just imagine!
I managed to solve 5 sides of my Rubik's cube, but I just can't seem to solve the 6th side!
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 26, 2023, 07:03:13 PMI managed to solve 5 sides of my Rubik's cube, but I just can't seem to solve the 6th side!
What about the in-side?
...
(https://i.imgur.com/zfXkE6gl.jpeg)
Whomever invented knock-knock jokes should win a no bell prize.
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 28, 2023, 06:30:59 PMWhomever invented knock-knock jokes should win a no bell prize.
Im keepin that one.
Well, as Jimmy Durante used to say, "I gotta million of 'em!" 🤣
I went on a blind date the other night. When the lady saw me she said "Now I wish I really was blind!"
Do two wrongs make a right-winger?
I know I'm ugly. I went to a freak show and they tried to hire me.
"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."
Mark Twain
"If at first you don't succeed, use more duct tape."
Red Green
Here's another one from Red Green:
"If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."
Handsy?
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 30, 2023, 11:21:21 PMHere's another one from Red Green:
"If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."
Almost Groucho style.
Have you ever seen the Red Green Show? It's pretty funny!
"I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then, whenever I need boiling water, I simply defrost it."
Gracie Allen
I don't vote for the Democratic Party. I don't vote for the Republican Party. I don't vote for the Green Party.
I only vote for the Surprise Party.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
Groucho Marx
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 01, 2023, 06:41:50 PMHave you ever seen the Red Green Show? It's pretty funny!
Yeah, he is a great engineer....I think he used a weed whacker as a boat motor or something like that.
Here's another Groucho Marx quote that doesn't really belong in this thread because it's not funny, and it's not a joke, but it's a great quote:
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
Quote from: Cassia on December 01, 2023, 02:48:04 PMAlmost Groucho style.
Meh, I read that joke inside a dog.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Groucho Marx
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
Rodney Dangerfield
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
George Carlin
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 02, 2023, 07:41:08 PM"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
George Carlin
Kind of sad, since Santa only comes once a year.
"I'm not superstitious, I'm just a little bit stitious."
Micheal (The Office)
A lady comes across a tiny frog, and the frog says to her "If you kiss me I'll become a handsome prince."
The lady says "Fuck it, I'd rather have a talking frog."
Norm McDonald
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
When bees move into a new hive do they have a house swarming party?
A possum being chased by a pack of taxidermists should never play dead.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 06, 2023, 07:39:42 PMA possum being chased by a pack of taxidermists should never play dead.
Fun story. We had an outside dog back in the '80s. She was barking intermittently one night, to the point that I had to go out and see what was going on. There was a possum, trying to play...possum, and every time the dog went at it, it twitched. I picked it up with a shovel and dropped it into a neighbor's yard (they did not have a dog). Problem solved.
When I lived in Willits in the late 90s we had a border collie (Katie) that would often bark at treed raccoons in the wee hours of the morning, and we'd have to get up and go shoot at them until they were dead (which hardly ever happened) or she'd quit barking.
*monitors thread and makes a note of who not to move next door to*
Well, at the time I was living on 340 acres, so we didn't really have "next door" neighbors.
I told my cousin to play possum.
He got hit by a car.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 03, 2023, 08:49:45 PM"I'm not superstitious, I'm just a little bit stitious."
Micheal (The Office)
It's only on the surface, I'm suprastitious.
Quote from: the_antithesis on December 07, 2023, 12:51:08 AMI told my cousin to play possum.
He got hit by a car.
Dog: I love chasing cars to smell the exhaust!
Cat: You can get brain damage that way!
Dog: From sniffing fumes?
Cat: No, from getting your head run over by a rear tire.
T/Y and a tip of the hat to Cheech & Chong.
I went to a store, I wanted to buy a candleholder, but they didn't have one.
So I bought a cake.
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get 7 years bad luck. But my lawyer says he can get me 5.
I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck.
Do not go see Dr. Acula!
When I was a kid I had a fear of numbers. But then I took algebra, then I had a fear of letters too.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 12, 2023, 03:07:23 PMWhat do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
We knew there was no Santa because we woke up to hear dad yelling at mom when trying to assemble a bicycle or something. I was shattered for about a half hour. We kept our mouths shut about it and played the game with some extra leverage after that.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 12, 2023, 01:58:23 PMWhen I was a kid I had a fear of numbers. But then I took algebra, then I had a fear of letters too.
I broke my math bone in the 5th grade. It never healed properly. Never minded that.
When Thor spent the night with a woman, he got up the next morning and said to her, "I have to tell you, I am Thor."
She said, "Well I can hardly walk!"
I went to a gym 'cause I wanted to get in shape. Now I'm a dodecahedron.
I had fleas and ticks but I bathed in low fat milk and now I only have ticks.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 13, 2023, 06:56:28 PMI had fleas and ticks but I bathed in low fat milk and now I only have ticks.
I don't get this one.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I once met a man with one ear named Larry. I don't know the name of his other ear.
What do you call a chic southern gal conspiracist loving grill master? A Barbie Q
Quote from: Cassia on December 13, 2023, 08:58:03 AMWe knew there was no Santa because we woke up to hear dad yelling at mom when trying to assemble a bicycle or something. I was shattered for about a half hour. We kept our mouths shut about it and played the game with some extra leverage after that.
I found out about Saint Nicholas not being real after I found the drawings that he'd supposedly taken with him, in a shelf.
Our saint nick ain't santa though.
I never really believed in american santa, i think.
Our parents kept the presents under the tree way before christmass-eve. So there was no role for santa to actually play in the festivities.
And besides, with christmass, we got together with family and exchanged gifts and 90% of them were pyjamas or socks or stuff like that.
Our 'santa' equivalent, sinterklaas, came on the sixth of december. He travelled to belgium on a steamboat. And traversed the roofs on a white horse. His helper travelled down the chimney and brought the presents and speculoos and chocolate and marzepan and clementines and other treats.
And regarding that helper, in case you heard it before, yeah... not exactly a high note of the mythos. To put it mildly.
In any case: those gifts we didn't get to see in advance. So that we were inclined to believe.
We sang songs for sinterklaas. Saw enchanting tv shows about him. We left a beer for him and a carrot for his horse, in our shoes, by the fireplace... that part felt magical.
But when i found out, i wasn't sad at all. I was old enough to realize 'oh yes, it doesn't really make sense' though i had not even once questioned it so far. And i immeadiately realized this meant my parents loved us so much that they went through all this hassle for us.
I believed in Santa Claus because we always left milk and cookies out for him, and they were always gone the next morning. And NORAD always tracked him on radar, so what was I supposed to think? Then one day, when I was about 6 years old, we were at the local shopping mall and I wanted to sit on Santa's lap and tell him what I wanted for Christmas, and my mom (adopted) said "don't be stupid, there's no such thing as Santa Claus!"
😱
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on December 17, 2023, 03:22:22 PMAnd regarding that helper, in case you heard it before, yeah... not exactly a high note of the mythos. To put it mildly.
You don't say...
When gay roosters crow they say "any cock'll do!" 🐓
Two gay deer walk out of a casino.
Says one to the other: "I can't believe we are walking out here with earnings."
Says the other: "I can't believe you blew a hundred bucks in there."
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 17, 2023, 06:57:04 PMWhen gay roosters crow they say "any cock'll do!" 🐓
I kind of liked a joke on Howard Stern from way back in the day (The set up was Michael Jackson filling in the blank: "_____ a doodle doo" I don't understand it either)
"I got no women. A dude'll do.
Quote from: the_antithesis on December 17, 2023, 07:15:59 PMI kind of liked a joke on Howard Stern from way back in the day (The set up was Michael Jackson filling in the blank: "_____ a doodle doo" I don't understand it either)
"I got no women. A dude'll do.
Pretty sure that, "A boy'll do" would be more correct, given his penchant for young boys.
And completely not funny, btw.
Quote from: Dark Lightning on December 17, 2023, 08:37:34 PMPretty sure that, "A boy'll do" would be more correct, given his penchant for young boys.
Doesn't fit the joke.
Moreover, this was the early 80's, so there may have been some questions on MJ's sexuality, what with the female hormones and all, but just how fucked up he was wasn't known, suspected, or even acknowledged. We didn't want to know.
Quote from: the_antithesis on December 17, 2023, 08:39:59 PMDoesn't fit the joke.
Moreover, this was the early 80's, so there may have been some questions on MJ's sexuality, what with the female hormones and all, but just how fucked up he was wasn't known, suspected, or even acknowledged. We didn't want to know.
OK 🤷�♂️
My brother told me 25% of all women are under psychological care. "It is shocking", he says "because the other 75% are walking around untreated."
Oh Yeah, I can see why Sinterklaas isn't gonna work out well over here. Plus he looks way more religious.
(https://stuffdutchpeoplelike.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/sinterklaas.png)
It does look like a tea cozy.
Lucky me, I don't even know what a tea cozy is... 🤔
OK, I googled, so now I at least know what a tea cozy is... 🧠
(https://media.giphy.com/media/xTiTno1ju4OXEUL5Sg/giphy.gif)
The more I know the more I realize just how ignorant I am.
Here's one from the Carol Burnett show, with Don Adams playing the Tonight Show host:
Carol: Knock knock.
Don: Who's there?
Carol: Arch.
Don: Arch who?
Carol: Gesundheit!
Most of my friends don't like my bug memes, but katy did.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 13, 2023, 01:50:16 PMWhen Thor spent the night with a woman, he got up the next morning and said to her, "I have to tell you, I am Thor."
She said, "Well I can hardly walk!"
Got hammered, did she?
What ancient Roman wore an eye patch, had a wooden leg and carried a parrot on his shoulder?
Pontius Pirate.
Was I the only one bothered that the patient in the Operation game was clearly awake?
I am now experiencing life at several WTFs per hour.
Did you know that "boobytrap" spelled backwards is "partyboob"?
I used to be an amateur crastinator, but then I turned pro.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 23, 2023, 03:34:28 PMI used to be an amateur crastinator, but then I turned pro.
I'm so pro that I'm currently wrapping gifts for last Christmas.
We'll be giving a christmas card to my sister that we forgot to give last year.
Did you know losing rock-paper-scissors as difficult as winning it?
Quote from: drunkenshoe on December 27, 2023, 09:52:30 AMDid you know losing rock-paper-scissors as difficult as winning it?
I used to have toy soldiers that belonged to one of three factions - fire, water, earth. Water beat fire, fire beat earth, earth beat water. So, no definitive winner. I eventually solved the problem by deciding that they declared a mutual truce.
Quote from: Hydra009 on December 27, 2023, 10:15:51 AMI used to have toy soldiers that belonged to one of three factions - fire, water, earth. Water beat fire, fire beat earth, earth beat water. So, no definitive winner. I eventually solved the problem by deciding that they declared a mutual truce.
"Collect all eighty four!"
When I finally flunked out of medical school, my mother said that's OK dear, think of all the lives you just saved !
The world's oldest nun has died at the age of 118 years.
The cause of death?
Answered prayer.
A man in Pennsylvania was arrested after having sex with the tail pipe of a 1967 T-bird.
The sex was described as "exhausting."
A one-armed woman in Florida was arrested for trying to rob a bank.
Police said that the hardest part was figuring out how to put on the handcuffs.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 31, 2023, 06:46:12 PMA one-armed woman in Florida was arrested for trying to rob a bank.
Police said that the hardest part was figuring out how to put on the handcuffs.
They carry belts for that kind of situation. I've seen them used in LA back in the day.
I guess they learned that from Las Vegas, where there are a lot of one-armed bandits.
Coroner to best friend: What a tough day at work. I saw my exes' body come through the morgue.
Best friend: Wait. Isn't she the one who ghosted you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
To hold up their pants.
This year, I've decided to eat only organic foods.
That's right, from now on, I'm going strictly carbon–hydrogen or carbon–carbon. Water excluded, of course. And maybe a few sulfates on cheat days because I like firm tofu. Also, small amounts of essential minerals as needed. But no more chunks of raw crystals in my bowl!
"One in 20 people have been a victim of crime, which means that 19 out of 20 people are criminals. No wonder we need police."
Philomena Cunk
Quote from: Hydra009 on January 04, 2024, 12:15:47 AMThis year, I've decided to eat only organic foods.
That's right, from now on, I'm going strictly carbon–hydrogen or carbon–carbon. Water excluded, of course. And maybe a few sulfates on cheat days because I like firm tofu. Also, small amounts of essential minerals as needed. But no more chunks of raw crystals in my bowl!
One of my sons and I were at a store buying food, and he was looking at a package of vegetables that were labeled "organic". We joked about it a bit, and he then said that he'd rather have some silicic (since silicon is right underneath carbon on the periodic table) vegetation, and the checker busted a gut. Score one for people in the genpop knowing something about chemistry. 👍
Quote from: Hydra009 on January 04, 2024, 12:15:47 AMThis year, I've decided to eat only organic foods.
Which organs are better, kidneys or livers?
Kidneys. Just make sure to boil the piss out of them.
Quote from: Unbeliever on January 06, 2024, 12:01:15 AMWhich organs are better, kidneys or livers?
Well, kids need the former, but a good life requires a good liver.
So, both kidneys and livers are good for eating organic?
Quote from: Unbeliever on January 06, 2024, 11:51:03 AMSo, both kidneys and livers are good for eating organic?
Brains!
So zombies eat organic? 🤣
I know what I put my liver through. I wouldn't recommend it.
"If at first ya don't succeed, keep on suckin' 'til ya do succeed."
Curly Howard
Yep, that's the one! 🤣
Today, a man who was swallowed by a whale managed to escape by running as fast as he could until he was all pooped out.
Today I bought an off-road vehicle. I got it all the way home before I realized it's a canoe.
If I were to get a dog, I'd name him cemetery.
I can't find my thesaurus and that makes me feel very, very, very, very angry!
I'm happy to announce that my investments are doing well.
Everyone's been telling me to buy the dip and diversify. So I bought some salsa, guacamole, queso, spinach, and jalapeno ranch and it's all really good!
A fellow was walking down the street with his wife when suddenly he saw his mother-in-law being beaten and robbed by six guys.
His wife turned to him and said, "Aren't you going to help?"
He said, "No, six should be enough."
Quote from: the_antithesis on January 13, 2024, 12:19:00 AMIf I were to get a dog, I'd name him Quote from: the_antithesis on January 13, 2024, 12:19:00 AMIf I were to get a dog, I'd name him cemetery.
Sorry this one went over my head :s
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on January 14, 2024, 01:52:32 PMSorry this one went over my head :s
Pet Cemetary, maybe?
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on January 14, 2024, 01:52:32 PMSorry this one went over my head :s
Then you don't get to pet Cemetery.
Here, Cemetery. Here, boy. Good Cemetery. Now play dead.
...
Ew.
I think the embalming was unnecessary.
I think if I had a dog, I'd name him Bill, or George, anything but Sue! 🤣
"Why don't catfish have kittens?"
Moe Howard
My friend Jimmy bought an electric car, and he was very happy with it. So he bought an electric blanket, then an electric guitar, and he was happy with those too.
Then he bought an electric chair and I haven't heard from him...
Quote from: Unbeliever on January 25, 2024, 12:29:41 AMMy friend Jimmy bought an electric car, and he was very happy with it. So he bought an electric blanket, then an electric guitar, and he was happy with those too.
Then he bought an electric chair and I haven't heard from him...
Some of those chairs take a good while to execute their mission sometimes. Florida's is called "old sparky".
My Grandpa kept yelling "the Titanic is gonna sink, I just know it!". Finally, they asked him to leave the theater.
Blackbeard's gut-feeling told him not to trust the mermaid before him.
There was something fishy, about her.
"A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone."
Larry David
Quote from: Cassia on January 06, 2024, 12:41:22 PMBrains!
Check the numbers.
(https://scontent-ord5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/308621617_426232262983133_6918819916921170106_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=783fdb&_nc_ohc=8nlTrRI-rgsAX-DabFB&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-2.xx&oh=00_AfCWpMVBKYsVKIhJUdhfPzx1ev3rBauSsU_nwtOPfpfyBg&oe=65C22259)
Under Communism Man oppresses man. Under capitalism, it's the other way round.
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 03, 2024, 07:27:01 PMUnder Communism Man oppresses man. Under capitalism, it's the other way round.
So women get a break?
Only if they're lucky.
My father has schizophrenia, but he's good people.
Quote from: Cassia on February 04, 2024, 12:04:11 PMMy father has schizophrenia, but he's good people.
I think I met some of him...
The Republican Party is the finest group of people money can buy.
I found the key to success, but somebody had changed the lock.
When I found out that the Earth rotates it really made my day.
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 06, 2024, 03:01:41 AMWhen I found out that the Earth rotates it really made my day.
Nonsense. The Earth is flat; just step outside and take a look.
Quote from: Cassia on February 06, 2024, 06:17:35 AMNonsense. The Earth is flat; just step outside and take a look.
I've always wondered why the flat earth people never seem to account for satellites. Because if the Earth were flat, the whole world would either get a fantasic signal or no signal. And with natural satelites like the moon, the whole world could see it at the same time or no one could see it.
They blow it off, facts don't phase them.
The Earth isn't flat, it's flatulent 🤣
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 07, 2024, 09:47:17 PMThe Earth isn't flat, it's flatulent 🤣
Aww, now you're just farting around...
Well, what do you expect an old fart to do!? 🤣
So, we're gaslighting now?
Better than Moonlighting.
Fart lighting is funnier.
Ain't no such varmint.
(https://language101.com/files/2011/10/ausfahrt-s.jpg)
Ich komme aus Ausfart.
Over sharing, meine liebchen.
Quote from: Hydra009 on February 08, 2024, 08:24:50 PMIch komme aus Ausfart.
Ausfahrt is something you see all over german highways. It's not a town.
It is the lane you take to leave the highway.
Aus - out/off
Fahrt - drive
Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary.
However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned that if you drink too much it's likely tequilya.
That sounds kind of rum.
But i beer you might be right.
Fart jokes are the pinochle of the joke hierarchy.
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 10, 2024, 05:47:37 PMAlcohol is not in my vodkabulary.
However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned that if you drink too much it's likely tequilya.
Used to hunt deserters for the USN. Area of responsibility included LA, Lost Wages, and all of Arizona. Sometimes I'd use an unmarked Navy sedan, sometimes I rode with an officer or six. (Samoan deserters got a higher response, of course.) But we could be diverted if needed which, at one point, had me watching an officer talk to a possible DUI driver. The dude gave out the most memorable quote, "I'm not so think as you drunk I am."
Quote from: Cassia on February 11, 2024, 08:11:47 AMFart jokes are the pinochle of the joke hierarchy.
You mean the peenochle? 😉
I saw a man at the Super Bowl with an empty seat next to him.
I lean over and ask him how there is an empty seat. He told me that he bought the tickets several months ago for him and his wife, but the wife unfortunately passed. I give my condolences, and I ask him why none of his family members took the ticket. He responded that they are all at the funeral.
What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?
The Detroit Lions.
I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...
0-0
Reminds me of a friend to bragged the Chicago Cubs had won the most recent World Series. I asked him what their win percentage was over the last 10 years. He grumbled.
So, some guys at work were talking about Limp Bizkit for some reason. I mention he's directing movies now. But they were puzzled by the album name Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water. They understood the starfish, but what is the hot dog flavored water? I said that, well, there's a thing that's kind of hot dog shaped. They said they get dicks, but why. I said, it's because they're gay, that's why. So one of them looks up their discography and they have another album called Three Dollar Bill, Y'all, and I was like, they are gay. The full saying is queer as a three dollar bill. So I solved the mystery. All done. I did a good deed.
So then I go, Limp Bizkit are the ones who sing All-Star, right? They said, no, that was Smash Mouth. I said, I can believe that. Because I'm a believer. And he waled away quickly like he was having a diarrhea attack.
Quote from: the_antithesis on February 13, 2024, 12:32:59 AMSo then I go, Limp Bizkit are the ones who sing All-Star, right? They said, no, that was Smash Mouth.
I actually owned the debut Smash Mouth CD and kinda liked All Star before it got played to death. I thought Why Can't We Be Friends? was their best song until I found out that it was a cover.
Heard a lot of those when I lived in SoCal. Dick-flavored water is urine.
Fruit farmers eat what they can and can what they can't.
Chemists can often double as healers or morticians. If they can't helium, then they can barium.
"If you go to family reunions to meet women, you might be a redneck."
Jeff Foxworthy
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 26, 2024, 08:55:42 PM"If you go to family reunions to meet women, you might be a redneck."
Jeff Foxworthy
My cousins in ARKansas and Kinfucky would agree.
My son just asked me for help with his trigonometry schoolwork.
While he fetched his books, I snuck out the back door and started a new life up in the mountains somewhere.
I accidentally took my cat's medicine last night
Don't ask meow!
I think this 'Miss Universe' contest is rigged.
I mean, every one of the contestants is from Earth.
Quote from: Cassia on February 28, 2024, 05:04:09 PMMy son just asked me for help with his trigonometry schoolwork.
While he fetched his books, I snuck out the back door and started a new life up in the mountains somewhere.
On Mount SOHCAHTOA? 🤔
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Quote from: Cassia on March 03, 2024, 08:05:00 AMIf a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Bagel.
Quote from: Cassia on February 28, 2024, 05:04:09 PMMy son just asked me for help with his trigonometry schoolwork.
While he fetched his books, I snuck out the back door and started a new life up in the mountains somewhere.
Oooh, very triggy.
Quote from: Cassia on March 03, 2024, 08:05:00 AMIf a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Hegulls.
A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient's visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer. He looks at it and, exclaims, "Damn it! Some asshole has my pen"
Quote from: Cassia on March 03, 2024, 08:05:00 AMIf a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Well, you can see seagulls and hear heargulls and feel feelgulls and smell smellgulls and taste..., uh, Colonel chicken.
My boat motor quit but the water was shallow. The dilemma was to row vs wade.
I hate the guy who invented the number zero. Thanks for nothing, asshole!
How does the Flying Spaghetti Monster fly, given that it has no wings? Do it's farts sustain it in the air via Newton's laws? I've always wondered about this. 🤔
I leave brains cells in a trail so I can find my way out of this thread.
Don't let the Minataur get ya! 🤣
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 07, 2024, 08:22:53 PMHow does the Flying Spaghetti Monster fly, given that it has no wings? Do it's farts sustain it in the air via Newton's laws? I've always wondered about this. 🤔
The meatballs are filled with helium.
Ah, yes, that explains it! 🤣
My girlfriend decided to stay over last night but she was worried because she left her accordion in the front seat of her car. I told her, don't worry we don't have thieves around here. Sure enough, the next day we went out to her car, and saw that someone broke in and left another accordion.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil...
😖
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 11, 2024, 11:04:44 PMDid you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil...
😖
Log function?
Quote from: Hydra009 on April 12, 2024, 02:49:55 PMLog function?
That requires a slide rule. (It's, logarithmic in function, ya know).
The surgeon stands over the patient in the operating room, and says, "Dave, don't be nervous. You'll get through this. It's going to be all right."
The patient says, "Doc, my name is Frank."
"I know," says the surgeon. "My name is Dave."
I hate when people don't know the difference between your and you're.
There so stupid.
Yeah, their really dum. 🦧
Quote from: Cassia on April 15, 2024, 06:37:25 PMI hate when people don't know the difference between your and you're.
There so stupid.
I blame smartphones and the inability of early autocorrect implementations to sort that out. IIRC, it wasn't nearly as much of an issue before smartphones hit the scene.
One relatively recent shift is to say that something is better by calling it "infinitely" better (imo, the difference better be extreme to the point of nearly incomparable or this annoys me). Or someone isn't merely annoying or ignorant but "aggressively" annoying or ignorant. And no one is angry or furious or outraged anymore - they're "feeling some kind of way" (why so vague?)
Granted, I was part of the generation that butchered "awesome" and "nevermind", so I fully realize that my house is made of glass.
Hey, remember that year where guys who took showers and used deodorant were "metrosexual"?
Weather forecasters have predicted a large number of hurricanes this year due to an abnormally high number of gay weddings.
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 19, 2024, 12:19:49 AMWeather forecasters have predicted a large number of hurricanes this year due to an abnormally high number of gay weddings.
"Suck, damn it! 'Blow' is just an expression!"
If I dream in color, is it a pigment of my imagination?
(https://i.imgur.com/rwGYjZF.jpeg)
Scientists have taught a goldfish to drive a car, and they believe it is the first step to eventually training women.