Best Way to Keep the Jehovah's Witnesses Away and Other Texas Resident Problems

Started by TomFoolery, August 17, 2015, 10:56:51 AM

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TomFoolery

August 17, 2015, 10:56:51 AM
I've spent the last two weeks moving back to Texas. It's like 1000 degree here, so 45 minutes after having the power turned on, we were laying prone in the empty living room soaked with sweat and debating about unpacking the truck when the doorbell rang.

Jehovah's witnesses! Packing tracts titled things like "Can the dead really live again?" About an hour after we shooed those guys away, our next door neighbor comes over to introduce himself, which is cool, but his next line after "Hi, are you the new neighbors?" is "Well, today is Saturday, have you found a church to attend already?" and cue half an hour of why First Baptist Blah Blah Blah has the pews we want to be parking our behinds in come tomorrow morning.

Yeah, as if the mortal peril of forgoing even a single Sunday due to moving 1300 miles across the country is too great to even discuss. Fuck my life. If I believed in Hell, this would be it. It certainly feels like it, since it's 10:00 in the morning and even with the air conditioning on, I have sweat stains forming on my shirt.

Anyway, I want to hang a sign on my door that says "Satan's house of worship" but my husband is a fan of the more subtle "No soliciting" sign. Any ideas?
How can you be sure my refusal to agree with your claim a symptom of my ignorance and not yours?

Munch

#1
August 17, 2015, 11:16:03 AM
Get a really big dog, and a sigh saying "All solicitors, preachers and sellers answer to bubbles"
'Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners' - George Carlin

peacewithoutgod

#2
August 17, 2015, 11:42:22 AM
1. Paint a large, red, inverted pentagram on your door.

2. Commission Doug Mesner and Lucien Grieves of The Satanic Temple to build a copy of their Baphomet monument as a garden ornament to be displayed out front. https://vice-images.vice.com/images/content-images-crops/2015/07/27/inside-the-satanic-temples-secret-baphomet-monument-unveiling-666-body-image-1438019129-size_1000.jpg?resize=*:*&output-quality=

3. Answer the door completely naked.

4. Ask them if they have any new recipes for preparing baby meat.

5. Tell them you have sacrificed enough of your children already to the fire-god Moloch.
There are two types of ideas: fact and non-fact. Ideas which are not falsifiable are non-fact, therefore please don't insist your fantasies of supernatural beings are in any way factual.

Doctrine = not to be questioned = not to be proven = not fact. When you declare your doctrine fact, you lie.

aitm

#3
August 17, 2015, 12:13:45 PM
So far my best reaction has been a simple, "Please, you DO know its 2016 right? I gave up on that nonsense 40 years ago."
"what exactly turned you away" or variations on that.
" I actually sat down and read the piece of shit babble myself".

Usually gets them to wander away.
A humans desire to live is exceeded only by their willingness to die for another. Even god cannot equal this magnificent sacrifice. No god has the right to judge them.-first tenant of the Panotheust

TomFoolery

#4
August 17, 2015, 12:46:42 PM
Well, it is Texas, and I don't want to end up with bricks thrown through my window or obscenities spray-painted on the side of my house. I really want some subtle, non-confrontational way to say leave my heathen ass the fuck alone without actually putting up a sign that says those words on my front yard.
How can you be sure my refusal to agree with your claim a symptom of my ignorance and not yours?

peacewithoutgod

#5
August 17, 2015, 01:05:45 PM
How does a simple "No Soliciting" sign fail to do the job? Are Texan heads so twisted that they think soliciting doesn't cover proselytizing? "No Soliciting, No Proselytizing, No Trespassing, No Creepy Rituals On Premises, Violators will be shot on sight..."
There are two types of ideas: fact and non-fact. Ideas which are not falsifiable are non-fact, therefore please don't insist your fantasies of supernatural beings are in any way factual.

Doctrine = not to be questioned = not to be proven = not fact. When you declare your doctrine fact, you lie.

TomFoolery

#6
August 17, 2015, 01:11:12 PM
Quote from: peacewithoutgod on August 17, 2015, 01:05:45 PM
Violators will be shot on sight..."

I guess it is Texas after all. They don't need to know I don't own firearms, since it's assumed everyone already does.

But yeah, I don't think selling Jesus is considered soliciting here, because it's Jesus, not aluminum siding.
How can you be sure my refusal to agree with your claim a symptom of my ignorance and not yours?

dtq123

#7
August 17, 2015, 01:15:24 PM
Have a lava moat... Oh wait. It's Texas, it's lava everywhere!
A dark cloud looms over.
Festive cheer does not help much.
What is this, "Justice?"

Hakurei Reimu

#8
August 17, 2015, 02:42:29 PM
Agreed with PWG, with the addendum: "...This means YOU!" with an accusatory finger pointed directly at the reader.
Warning: Don't Tease The Miko!
(she bites!)
Spinny Miko Avatar shamelessly ripped off from Iosys' Neko Miko Reimu

Munch

#9
August 17, 2015, 02:42:43 PM
Another method is to go full blown insane Christian. If you have Jehovah's witness come to the door, come out with a shovel yelling at them for being fakers in God's name for wearing mixed fabrics. Use alka seltzer tablets to appear to be foaming at the mouth and swing the shovel around yelling at them for having trimmed beards, mixed fabrics and for not following the true bible, and scream insanely at them, sending them running.

This will get it around that your a deep theist, but one to avoid because it's deeper then they can comprehend, and so will leave you alone.
'Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners' - George Carlin

Termin

#10
August 17, 2015, 08:37:01 PM
Quote from: TomFoolery on August 17, 2015, 10:56:51 AM


Anyway, I want to hang a sign on my door that says "Satan's house of worship" but my husband is a fan of the more subtle "No soliciting" sign. Any ideas?

How about a sign that says  "No souliciting"

Termin 1:1

Evolution is probably the slowest biological process on planet earth, the only one that comes close is the understanding of it by creationists.

peacewithoutgod

#11
August 17, 2015, 09:03:07 PM
I don't really know anything first-hand on Texan culture, but it seems a reasonable guess that you wouldn't be out of place going with Munch's idea of having large dog to intimidate any strangers from approaching. If you have a secure fence in the front yard, it can run free. Some of my suburban upstate New York neighbors do that.
There are two types of ideas: fact and non-fact. Ideas which are not falsifiable are non-fact, therefore please don't insist your fantasies of supernatural beings are in any way factual.

Doctrine = not to be questioned = not to be proven = not fact. When you declare your doctrine fact, you lie.

AllPurposeAtheist

#12
August 17, 2015, 09:16:22 PM
Just a simple "Get lost. .I'm not interested in the least. " works. You're under no obligation to explain one damned thing to them.  If they want to keep pushing tell them it's private property and if they want to preach at you go stand in the street.
All hail my new signature!

Admit it. You're secretly green with envy.

trdsf

#13
August 18, 2015, 06:46:51 AM
I vote moat.  With piranha, or barracudas, or sharks, or something.
"My faith in the Constitution is whole, it is complete, it is total, and I am not going to sit here and be an idle spectator to the diminution, the subversion, the destruction of the Constitution." -- Barbara Jordan

FinalSomnia

#14
August 18, 2015, 11:05:07 AM
If you've got a concrete walkway leading to your front door, get some chalk and some religious pamphlets. Draw a chalk outline of two people and scatter the pamphlets around.

Yes, I stole that from Jeff Foxworthy.
Heaven is no more than a carrot on a string at the end of a tunnel; Hell is no more than a gunbarrel at the back of your head.  When we are good people for the sake of being good people, we\'ll have no further use for religion.
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