Best Way to Keep the Jehovah's Witnesses Away and Other Texas Resident Problems

[NakedTracyBlack]

I always show up at the door completely naked.  If my wife's home, we show up together naked.  They never do stay very long.

[Mike Cl]

You have my sympathy, TomFoolery.

[Solitary]

I've spent the last two weeks moving back to Texas. It's like 1000 degree here, so 45 minutes after having the power turned on, we were laying prone in the empty living room soaked with sweat and debating about unpacking the truck when the doorbell rang.

Jehovah's witnesses! Packing tracts titled things like "Can the dead really live again?" About an hour after we shooed those guys away, our next door neighbor comes over to introduce himself, which is cool, but his next line after "Hi, are you the new neighbors?" is "Well, today is Saturday, have you found a church to attend already?" and cue half an hour of why First Baptist Blah Blah Blah has the pews we want to be parking our behinds in come tomorrow morning.

Yeah, as if the mortal peril of forgoing even a single Sunday due to moving 1300 miles across the country is too great to even discuss. Fuck my life. If I believed in Hell, this would be it. It certainly feels like it, since it's 10:00 in the morning and even with the air conditioning on, I have sweat stains forming on my shirt.

Anyway, I want to hang a sign on my door that says "Satan's house of worship" but my husband is a fan of the more subtle "No soliciting" sign. Any ideas?

I put a very large NO SOLICITING sign on my door to no avail, because they don't understand what that means and say it doesn't apply to them. Idiots! I answered the door next time they came with a my black briefs on,and asked them to come inside and give me a Watch Tower magazine to discuss Satanism along with Ozzy Osborn music playing very loud in the background.. They have never been back again. I thought for sure I was going to get arrested for public indecency, but I think the theatrical punk band makeup scared the crap out of them..  On a side note---if they are Mormon, tell them you are an excommunicated Mormon, they will never come back, I promise.

[stromboli]

Texas?

1. Shoot them

2. wear a satanic pentagram when you answer the door

3. Either the chalk outline thing on the walkway or satanic symbols.

[dtq123]

Try hanging a cross on your door? They'll assume you're religious and leave.

I dunno, guess you didn't have a lava moat did you?

[peacewithoutgod]

Try hanging a cross on your door? They'll assume you're religious and leave.

I dunno, guess you didn't have a lava moat did you?

You would need something more like this:

[Baruch]

Peacewithoutgod ... no, then they will assume you are a religious fiction author (Right Behind, sequel to Left Behind ... collect the whole derriere) and want an autographed copy of your book ;-)

[Mike Cl]

TomFoolery---back to TX??  I really hope there is a good payoff! :)))  If not, my condolences.

[peacewithoutgod]

Peacewithoutgod ... no, then they will assume you are a religious fiction author (Right Behind, sequel to Left Behind ... collect the whole derriere) and want an autographed copy of your book ;-)

Then I would be able to make money off the money-grubbing evangelical cults, which I could donate to groups like this? That would be cool!

[Unbeliever]

I vote moat.  With piranha, or barracudas, or sharks, or something.

How about some screaming eels? With lasers attached to their heads... 

[Munch]

How about turning the front of your house into a bog, where they take off there shoes to get to the front door, and when you open the door you smile and hang the 'beware of leeches' sign on the outside.

[TomFoolery]

TomFoolery---back to TX??  I really hope there is a good payoff! :)))  If not, my condolences.

I'm from Dallas which usually isn't that bad. I would gladly live in Austin, which embraces its weirdness. Unfortunately, my husband's career put us an hour North of Austin where they grow bigots too sizes too big and the crime rate is surprisingly insane. Hell, someone I know sent me this ad from Craigslist just a few days ago:


http://killeen.craigslist.org/mis/5192763495.html

[Baruch]

All hat, no cattle!  Just like George W being a real cowboy ;-)

[Mike Cl]

I'm from Dallas which usually isn't that bad. I would gladly live in Austin, which embraces its weirdness. Unfortunately, my husband's career put us an hour North of Austin where they grow bigots too sizes too big and the crime rate is surprisingly insane. Hell, someone I know sent me this ad from Craigslist just a few days ago:


http://killeen.craigslist.org/mis/5192763495.html

Is that for real?  That must be a gag.  I hope your husband's job is good! :)  Let's see--big fences, big dogs, big guns..............and big signs that you have an alarm service........that should do it. :)))

[TomFoolery]

Is that for real?  That must be a gag.  I hope your husband's job is good! :)  Let's see--big fences, big dogs, big guns..............and big signs that you have an alarm service........that should do it. :)))

I feel like it has to be a joke, but it's pretty indicative of the kind of place I live in. It's a military town (Fort Hood is in Killeen) and even though I live in a relatively good neighborhood, the first week I was here, the neighbors who live behind me shot a rap video on the roof of their house on a Thursday night. As I already pointed out, my next door neighbor is Joan of Arc religious, and every 50 feet there are billboards for Jesus, which is a curious juxtaposition when almost literally every street in this town has at least one liquor store, gun store, pawn shop, tattoo parlor, payday loan outfit, car dealership and bail bondsman's office.

Anyway, I don't know how the statistics are collected, but apparently my odds of being the victim of a crime here are like 1 in 173, whereas the state average is 1 in 245.
http://www.neighborhoodscout.com/tx/killeen/crime/