My Story Of Getting Back My Life With Atheism

[LovingBeing]

Hello to everyone here at this forum. My name is Marco Antonio and I am a 42 year old half Latino, half European male from California. I grew up in a very strong, Roman Catholic family from both of my parents. Regardless of that, I grew up physically abused by my father, and by a mother who abandoned me at one time, with my younger brother and sister, because she met a new guy who was a drug dealer, and was too high to think clearly, at the time.

I grew up as a very curious child, although I was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, growing up. My curiosities always got me into a lot of trouble but I never meant any intended harm by them. I just had a fascination with how things work, especially mechanical things. I remember throwing a metal Tonka truck into my mom's 1963 Frigidaire washing machine, given to her by her parents, after the birth of myself. I wanted to see what it would "do" because it agitated in a vertical, up and down motion, instead of the standard rotational agitation. I certainly learned after I heard the loudest explosion, from the machine, in our kitchen.

I always felt out of place because I was shamed by my family for my curiosities, and by my father constantly beating me daily. I never understood why my mother never allowed me to tell anyone what my father was doing to me. She used to tell me that if anyone asked about why I had marks and bruises on my body, to either say that I fell off my bike, or that I tripped down the porch steps of our home.

During this time, I was going to Catholic Cathechism on weekends, while I was in elementary school, to do all the traditional Catholic blessings and behaviors, like making my First Confession and my First Communion. It was during this time I noticed, that instead of developing romantic feelings for girls, I was developing them for the same sex. This confused me because I did not understand why, and being Catholic, I prayed and prayed for Jesus to make me become heterosexual, to no avail.

Jumping to the present, at 42, I still have trouble accepting my sexuality, because I feel I live my life so differently than most people think of stereotypically gay men. I am a man who happens to believe in monogamy for myself, personally. I live my life almost identical to the average heterosexual male, except that I love another male, instead of female. I have no desires to be feminine in anyway and I am very private about my life. I grew up playing sports and because of my curiosity of mechanical things and the way they work, commercial airliners became one of my passions. I also became interested in the medical sciences, as well as, dentistry, music production, songwriting, etc.

I became an atheist just 3 weeks ago, because of all the hurt and pain, that hate from religion, has caused in my life. No one really knows about my sexuality, and most people will tell you they think I am heterosexual, so I have not had any problem from other people about it. The problem has been psychological, damaging, and destructive to any of my will to live. I became severely suicidal because I hate being gay. I do not identify with much of the lifestyle at all, other than just wanting to be in a quiet, loving, monogamous relationship, with another good man.  I can definitely say that I would never choose to be this way, especially with how much I know people would hate me if they knew.  I could not understand how a loving god, would consider me as sinning against him, when all I want to do is love someone unconditionally. I just wanted to have that one monogamous love, that few are lucky to find.....and to love that person, care for them, go through the good and bad, stay faithful, and take care of each other, loving one another, until our precious time of life is over.

I researched the Bible, religion, homosexuality, the causes of homosexuality, even the side of the new gay Christian movement. I wanted to know why loving someone of the same sex would be a sin to god, especially if I was loving another one of his human creations, rather than hurting, or murdering them. Then, after weeks of reading and research, something happened for me, that was like my brain waking up for the first time.

I happened to accidentally, in my research, stumble across some youtube videos, from an atheist lecturer named, Hemant Mehta. He is known as the "Friendly Atheist" on youtube and other publications. This title sparked my curiosity because I had been raised to believe that atheists are evil, vile, and hateful beings with no morals, and prejudiced hate for god. I looked at his videos and it opened my eyes about atheists who are good, moral people, and not the evil people portrayed to me. I read the contributions, not just to science, but to the health of humanity, the concern for peace and equality of all human beings, the encouraging of humanitarianism, through breaking down the walls that separate races and cultures, etc., by people who are/were atheists.

I saw the hate religion causes in the world.....all the wars around the globe, setting gay people on fire in Africa and celebrating it as doing god's work, creating terrorism to innocent people, and blowing up buildings, in the name of various gods. I saw Christians in some parts of the world, murder babies because they believed their babies to be wicked or evil. I began to see contradictions in the Bible, like slavery, genocide, stoning people to death, owning women, murdering and taking away property, in the name of god, who I was told was a loving god, but wanted to send to me to hell, because of wanting to love another one of his humans. I was so religiously indoctrinated that I never saw the clear evidence in front of me. It was like a light turned on in my brain, and things all finally made sense to me about atheism. I saw that it is not about hate. It's just about freeing people from the hate and conflict, that religion causes amongst themselves, and living in peace and equality, instead.

I am still the same loving Marco, who wants to help people in this world, even if it means giving the shirt off my back for someone, but I am an atheist now. Becoming an atheist, saved me from committing suicide a month ago, because of believing god hates me. Atheism has made me realize the value of my short life and do all I can to be good to people and make the best out of trying to spread more happiness among people, instead of judgment on them. Now I can concentrate on trying to be a good man for myself and others, instead of a god who hates me, and wants me to love him out of fear, otherwise I will burn eternally. I can sleep at night and think of what I can do to make tomorrow a better day for everyone, instead of desperately praying, worrying, and not sleeping, wondering how god is going to punish me and judge me, despite my efforts to be a good man.

I have only one best friend, who is Catholic and would not accept me as an atheist. I have to keep it a secret, as he is my roommate. I hope to be able to make some friends here. The only family I have is my mom and brother now, and they are very Catholic. They would never be able to accept me being an atheist, so it's been a lonely, new journey so far. I don't have much in my life, but I do enjoy humanitarianism and contributing to helping people, and making the world a better place.

Atheism has freed me from the constant psychological stress and trauma religion has caused me in my life, especially the severe depression I went through. It has made me a kinder, more loving person, because I understand the value of human life now, especially other people's lives. I understand the damage judgment does on the human psyche. I can enjoy life now and understand the true meaning of loving and accepting all people in life, regardless of race, color, culture, customs, age, gender, sexual orientation, religion, spirituality, beliefs, or atheism....because we should be looked at as unique and interesting with our differences, rather than hated and condemned by each other. This is the peace, that I, as an atheist, truly want.  I just wish it was the same from the religious side, as well.

Take care and be well everyone,
Marco

[Jason78]

Hey!  Welcome to the forum!

[SGOS]

Welcome, Marco.

I became an atheist just 3 weeks ago, because of all the hurt and pain, that hate from religion, has caused in my life.

I can see that things like pain and hate caused by religion could push a person to question the "truths" of religion, but in the end, you must ask whether or not you can find any compelling evidence for the existence of a god.  Next and independent of the evidence, you must ask yourself whether you believe in a god anyway.  If you do not, you are an atheist.

This may already describe you.  But for me, the pain, hate, bigotry, and misery caused by religion are not important in being an atheist, other than as a catalyst that initiates a search for truth.  The real question centers around whether or not you believe God is real.

[kilodelta]

Welcome. There are a bunch of people on this forum that can relate to your story.

[Mermaid]

Hi Marco,

Thank you for sharing your story. It is difficult to read and not get emotional over. I hope you will find more strength every day in your epiphany. Give yourself time to evolve with this new track. I hope you continue to astonish yourself with how awesome you are, and how awesome the world is.

[Hakurei Reimu]

Yay!

[Sal1981]

Hello.

[Desdinova]

Welcome aboard Marco, you're awake now. 

[Berati]

Hi Marco,
Hope you find what you're looking for. I looked into humanism when I felt I was lacking in social belonging a few years back. I can see why people join churches for the social aspect.
I'm not the joiner type and I've not had to hide my identity as you have, but I can't find anything I disagree with in Humanism so perhaps you can find a group near you. You sound pretty isolated but at least you've made a start.
Good luck

[blackharvest216]

Your story was very lovely thank you for sharing

[dtq123]

Nice story you got there fella, Welcome to da club!

[Jhayward]

Marco: Welcome.  And I also reply on behalf of the Christian church... I am sorry for what these Christians in your life did to you.  All of them.  It was all wrong.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Jason78]

And I also reply on behalf of the Christian church...

Are you an official spokesman?

[Mermaid]

Maybe it's God!

[SGOS]

Are you an official spokesman?

I had the same question.