95% of all German Shepherds are dogs.
The other 5% are German Shepherds.
======================================================================
Two cows standing in a field. One cow asks the other "So are you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other cow says "Not at all; I'm a helicopter!"
=======================================================================
Two Mafia hitmen were walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says, "Man, it's creepy walking out here at night like this. Who knows what could be out there in the dark"
The other says, "Huh, you think YOU'RE scared? I'm the one who has to walk home alone!"
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/06/48/f5/0648f5a87748724a1efda6e14e05c8f0.jpg)
Did Monica Lewinsky move to Cuba because Castro had bigger cigars?
I lost my job as a zookeeper, there was a load of signs everywhere saying "Don't feed the animals" so I didn't.
I asked my yoga teacher if she could teach me to do the splits.
She asked me about how flexible I am.
I told her that I could only do Thursday afternoons.
I've got to the age of 52 without using essential oils, makes me wonder how essential they actually are..
Maybe they should be called optional oils.
I split up a fight between a bind man and a deaf bloke. I hate senseless violence.
I'm here all week.
My uncle died recently. He drowned. I bought a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.
Before me my wife was in a relationship with a clown.
I had some large shoes to fill.
Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets or as some people call them the in-laws staying over.
Another parent outside school asked me what year my daughter was in.
I said "2022, what year is yours in you weirdo."
Impotence. I've thought long and hard about it.
The scariest thing that I have ever done is a skydive. I got into the plane and they strapped me to this bloke.
Halfway down he said "So, how long have you been an instructor?"
I did stand up comedy a few years ago. It didn't go very well, as I walked off the stage I heard just one person clapping but quite slowly.
Then I remembered that I was wearing flipflops.
My best mate lost the use of his left side. He was alright in the end.
Jesus walks into a hotel, puts some nails on the counter and asks if they could put him up for the night.
Quote from: ManUfan on October 26, 2022, 04:13:31 PMI hate senseless violence.
One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise and came and killed the two dead boys.
🙊🙉🙈
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 07, 2022, 11:49:40 PMOne bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise and came and killed the two dead boys.
🙊🙉🙈
And if you don't believe the story is true, ask the blind policeman, he saw it too.
Two snowmen were talking one said "Can you smell carrots?"
Why has Santa got such a large sack?
He only comes once a year.
I hate Christmas.
Not only did I lose my job as a zookeeper, I lost my job as a firefighter. I blame my dad, he told me to fight fire with fire.
My therapist asked me if my mother chastised me as a small boy.
I said " let's get one thing straight, my mother was never a small boy."
Alcoholics anonymous. What a con. I had to say "I am Chris, and I'm an alcoholic."
I went to the doctor's and told him that I keep thinking that I'm a dog.
He told me to take a seat. I said " I can't I'm not allowed on the furniture."
He asked me how I was feeling.
I said " Rough "
What did the Buffalo say to his child when he left home?
Bye son.
Her: *tastes my spaghetti sauce*
Me: How is it?
Her: It's like an orgasm in my mouth.
Me: That good, huh?
Her: No, it is way too salty.
The Kotter jokes?
RIP Gabe Kaplan
He (Kaplan) reminds me of Groucho.
Yeah, but people actually laughed at Groucho's jokes... 🤪
Wow! I was actually thinking "elephant" before she guessed "elephant." 😄
Why couldn't the elephants swim?
They'd forgotten their trunks.
Kill me now.
M
I
Quote from: ManUfan on January 23, 2023, 04:30:22 PMWhy couldn't the elephants swim?
They'd forgotten their trunks.
Kill me now.
Elephant jokes--it's been ages!!
Why do elephants have big balls?? They like to dance.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in the strawberry patch.
Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? To spring through the trees raping monkeys. What's the worst sound an monkey can hear?? Sprong, sprong..........................
Okay, okay, I'll stop.
A
Quote from: Mike Cl on January 24, 2023, 10:34:02 AMElephant jokes--it's been ages!!...
I can never remember elephant jokes.
Quote from: the_antithesis on January 28, 2023, 01:52:45 PMI can never remember elephant jokes.
It is a curse!
Why do elephants lay on their backs with their feet in the air? They like to trip bluebirds.
Okay--enough, right?
What about Bob jokes? Okay..............
What do you call an armless, legless man in a swimming pool? Bob
What do you call an armless, legless man by the front door? Matt
What do you call an armless, legless man hanging on the wall? Art.
And everybody's fav, ethenic jokes--from 65 years ago (I don't tell these anymore, so the following is not from me)
What is the world's smallest book? The book of Italian (or French, or Polish or...........) war heroes.
Why do fly' s have wings? To beat the Italians (Or Irish, or Polish, or.............) to the trash cans.
How can you tell who the bride is at a Polish wedding? She is wearing a pressed bowling shirt--or she has her armpits breaded.
Brought to you by the good old days.....................
Th
Quote from: Mike Cl on January 28, 2023, 02:12:58 PMIt is a curse!
What about Bob jokes? Okay..............
What do you call an armless, legless man in a swimming pool? Bob
What do you call an armless, legless man by the front door? Matt
What do you call an armless, legless man hanging on the wall? Art.
Brought to you by the good old days.....................
The only one of those I ever devised was:
What do you call an armless, legless man in the air over Iraq?
Sam
I came up with that one about 20 years ago, when it was more relevant.
Armless, legless man in a bush- Russel.
Ma
Terrible jokes in my teen years.
What is short, fat and goes, putt, putt??
A short fat Indian on a golf course.
What is black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black and blue?
A nun falling down the stairs.
What do you call a Mexican Knight?
The Chosen Juan.
Since we (atheists) eat babies--the following:
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall red?
Depends upon how hard you throw them.
How many dead babies does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends upon how thin you slice them.
Blonde jokes--there were tons of those...............
What can strike a blonde without her (or him) even knowing about it?
A thought.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
She had a nasty habit.
An
What happened when Jesus went to mount olive?
Popeye kicked the shit out of him.
What's green and smells of pork?
Kermit the frogs middle finger.
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
I was going to buy eight legs of venison but it was too dear.
What's red and goes around knocking on windows?
A baby in a microwave.
What's red and sits in a corner?
A naughty strawberry.
It's really annoying having a wife called Alexa.
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/96/6d/f8/966df840d8f51648b19b86da4f70cbc3.jpg)
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/9d/55/a8/9d55a8aee0ee31a0747d96c543f7bfd3.jpg)
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/dd/1e/1a/dd1e1ac61fafa4145fbb7c20fd0ac1fa.jpg)
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/a0/f2/85/a0f28505f673e872b439a041b23ba000.jpg)
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/85/d0/d1/85d0d132161175f48775379ee6210730.jpg)
What starts with an "f" and ends with "uck"?
Firetruck
M
Yo
I
M
There really is no such thing as a vampire. Unless you count Dracula.
T
M
I
dr
A
A
M
There is this joke about a boomerang i can't quite recall.
I'm sure it'll come back to me.
A
A
You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
I've only just discovered Dave's World, by watching Night Court clips on YouTube.
Here's one that I heard in the very first episode:
Why did the dumb blonde stare at the orange juice carton?
It said "concentrate."
Here's an old limerick I just remembered:
A crusty old whore named Louise
Had cunt-hair that hung to her knees.
So the crabs in her twat
Tied the hair in a knot
And constructed a flying trapeze.
🙊🙉🙈
A busy young hooker named Randles
Is famed for the men that she handles
She said, "When things get real busy
"My cunt gets all jizzy,
And my legs look just like wax candles!".
Over at JREF we used to have a thread about limericks in which the first line was given and we had to come up with the rest of a limerick.
I was once given the line:
Just one drop of this golden elixir,
So I came up with:
Just one drop of this golden elixir
(And perhaps just a small bit of mixer)
He was ready for sex
With lingual effects
'Cause his girlfriend just loves when he licks 'er!
They gave me some grief for it, but
hell, what else rhymes with "elixir? 🤔
Another line I was fed was:
A sasquatch with fleas in his fur
So I came up with:
A sasquatch with fleas in his fur
Scratched so fast that his hands were a blur.
He had fur when he started,
But soon it departed,
Then it was obvious - "he" was a "her."
🤫
Quote from: Unbeliever on March 13, 2023, 11:41:12 PMOver at JREF we used to have a thread about limericks in which the first line was given and we had to come up with the rest of a limerick.
I was once given the line:
Just one drop of this golden elixir,
So I came up with:
Just one drop of this golden elixir
(And perhaps just a small bit of mixer)
He was ready for sex
With lingual effects
'Cause his girlfriend just loves when he licks 'er!
They gave me some grief for it, but
hell, what else rhymes with "elixir? 🤔
Just one drop of his golden elixir,
Would give the cowgirl her fixer.
Thanked the barkeep soon.
Was almost high noon.
She walked out clutching her sixer.
What is jref btw?
The James Randi Educational Foundation, a skeptic's forum.
What monster plays the most April Fool's day jokes?
Prankenstein 🤢🤮
I bet this book is a frikken riot.
Stuff just like this, no doubt:
How long did Cain dislike his brother?
Answer: As long as he was Abel.
I just can't think of anything less funny than an evangelical Christian trying to be funny. It always appears to me that they think they deserve extra points just for trying.
(https://i5.walmartimages.com/asr/1fd1c394-f543-4f10-86b6-9c17f971a666_1.96753c35b83cf67d7c110a883a615777.jpeg?odnHeight=612&odnWidth=612&odnBg=FFFFFF)
What did the atheist soldier say when staring down the barrel of a gun?
"Help me, God."
Que laughing track.
Why should you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Quote from: drunkenshoe on May 16, 2023, 04:27:47 PMWhy should you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
*dark matter has entered the chat*
*chat dissolves into a sea of dark energy*
What do you call a cave man that is prone to wander?
A meanderthal.
Did you hear about the man who fell from the roof of a night club?
Police have confirmed he was not a bouncer.
What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium.
Did you hear about the band leader who had twin daughters? He named them Anna One, Anna Two... 🤣
Quote from: the_antithesis on June 10, 2023, 12:48:27 AMWhat do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium.
Did you know that DNA is made out of bases?
Wait...
Ah mean oh acids.
A few puns make me numb, but math puns make me number...🤔
If money doesn't grow on trees why do banks have branches? 🤔
I'm pining for a good tree pun, I wish they were more poplar...🌳🌴🌲
Ducks have feathers to cover their butt quacks... 🦆
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know which comes first. 🤣
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
🤣
A farmer snapped a cob of corn in half. The sound was earsplitting.
Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
I heard a conspiracy theory about rubber bands, but it was a bit of a stretch.
A sardine is a little fish that smells like a finger.
Taken straight from Redd Foxx.
😆
Another stolen from Redd Foxx:
What's the difference between meat and fish?
Hard to beat your fish.
One from another forum-
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
Can't marmalade your dick up your wife's ass.
NB: I've never done that. I have enough pride in the old unit to not shove it into a sewer pipe.
That's an exit!
Quote from: Dark Lightning on July 13, 2023, 08:41:05 AMOne from another forum-
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
Can't marmalade your dick up your wife's ass.
NB: I've never done that. I have enough pride in the old unit to not shove it into a sewer pipe.
The thing is...it's not about your unit....some like it hot. Some love it hot. Give 'em what they want....lil kinky but what they want is what they want. Give it to em. Sides....."shit" be tight as hell.....most the time..
Quote from: Dark Lightning on July 13, 2023, 08:41:05 AMOne from another forum-
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
Can't marmalade your dick up your wife's ass.
NB: I've never done that. I have enough pride in the old unit to not shove it into a sewer pipe.
Then why is it right next to the kitchen? 🥴
Quote from: Unbeliever on July 13, 2023, 09:27:09 PMThen why is it right next to the kitchen? 🥴
Intelligent Design?
Just heard this from the guys who do Pinky and the Brain:
If Jack's black, and Betsy's white, is Marvin gay? 😆
OMG, listening to Pinky and the Brain doing Who's on First was glorious! 🤠
A writer in prison knows all the prose and cons
How do you date fossils?
Well, first you have to ask if they're single... 🖖
Quote from: Unbeliever on July 25, 2023, 01:27:29 AMHow do you date fossils?
You can find them at an antique store. They love old things with sedimentary value.
A friend of mine wanted me to go spelunking with him. I was hesitant, but eventually I caved.
world's worst phonetic alphabet:
A - Aisle
B - Bdellium
C - Chaos
D - Django
E - Eye
F - Fjord
G - Gnash
H - Heir
I - Ian
J - Gif
K - Knight
L - Llaneros
M - Mancy
N - Night
O - Ouija
P - Pterodactyl
Q - Quay
R - Rhizome
S - Svelte
T - Tsunami
U - Urn
V - Vsevolod
W - Wrong
X - Twitter
Y - You
Z - Zsolt
How is a young-Earth creationist different from a kleptomaniac?
One takes everything literally, the other takes everything, literally.
😆
X=Twitter, LOL!
If Bigfoot sits on something it gets sasquashed.
🤪
I ran into a sasquatch at the supermarket. We got to talking. He said he was considering leaving his body to pseudoscience.
I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to 'spot me', and let me know when I hit the wall.
I heard a bang.
"3:45 PM", he said.
I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist
My boss said I rub people the wrong way.
Why do frogs like beer?
It's made of hops.
🤪
A man goes to the doctor with a waxy buildup in his ear....
The doctor asks, "so which ear is it?"
The man says "2023."
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colors?
He had a reptile disfunction.
What was the budget on the giant lizard movie?
A godzillion dollars.
Math puns are the first sine of madness.
My wife didn't want me to make cheese out of her breast milk, but eventually I got my whey.
Ouch, that one actually hurt! 🧀
When deciding whether to be a plumber or a lifeguard, you either sink or swim.
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar and the barkeep says, "Oh no, not U2 again".
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 and lost.
The odds were against me.
On night little Jonny walks in on mommy and daddy having sex.
Mommy is going up and down on daddy when she notices little Jonny and stops.
Little Jonny asks, "What are you doing mommy?"
Mommy doesn't want to get into the birds and the bees right now so she says, "Sometimes daddy's tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out."
Jonny replies, "Don't worry about that, mommy. Every morning when you leave the maid comes in to blow it back up."
What is black and white and dead all over ?
A zombie zebra.
Maybe we should try unplugging the United States and plugging it back in?
People who play soccer (oops, I mean football!) are very goal oriented.
Quote from: Unbeliever on October 01, 2023, 11:07:33 PMMaybe we should try unplugging the United States and plugging it back in?
Congress is way ahead of you on that.
Quote from: Unbeliever on October 02, 2023, 05:40:57 PMPeople who play soccer (oops, I mean football!) are very goal oriented.
I used to pave cul-de-sacs. It was a real dead-end job.
I wanted to go for a bike ride today, but my bicycle was two tired.
How does the Catholic Church make holy water?
They boil the hell out of it.
Stephen King's son is named Joe. I'm not joking. He is, though.
A lesbian book is like a straight book, except it has a climax.
Taylor Swift has a tight end.
Quote from: Unbeliever on October 11, 2023, 09:12:01 PMTaylor Swift has a tight end.
I liked this before I thought that maybe she was dating a football player. ? I'm not embarrassed about what I don't know about celebrities, btw. They define incredibly little about my life.
Yeah, her boyfriend is a football player. Guess what position he plays.
Taylor Swift?
Who's he?
Just some guy.
Are monsters good at math?
No, not unless you Count Dracula.
I knew a guy who wanted to get rich, so he only ate fortune cookies.
Now my friend who wants to get rich will only wear cashmere sweaters...
The hunter easily shot the water fowl, because it was a sitting duck... 🦆
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
George Carlin
🤣
I heard the cops arrested a demon. They got him on possession.
What's the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
An outlaw is wanted.
Only the mediocre can always be at their best.
H. L. Mencken
What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a skunk?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Quote from: Mike Cl on October 16, 2023, 08:50:35 AMWhat's the difference between a dead lawyer and a skunk?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
I remember a time when lawyers and the 'rule of law' were respected in general. When you look at today's SCOTUS and lawyers such as Sidney Powell and Rudy Giuliani, where is the oversight?
I never eat salmon, so I don't have to worry about getting salmonella.
How fast was Gulliver's Travels written?
Swiftly.
Said one DNA molecule to another:
Do these genes make my butt look big?
Wife: "Does this dress make my butt look big."
Me: "The dress doesn't, no."
Now she's my ex-wife :D
What's the difference between incels and eggs?
At least eggs can get laid... 🪺
I want to be cremated, as that's my only hope for a smoking hot body.
Today the police arrested a whole flock of chickens.
They suspected fowl play.
A guy in the local bar asked me if I knew any good rope jokes.
I said "I'm a frayed knot."
Do evil hens lay deviled eggs?
I love to drink milk - it's udderly delicious.
I don´t trust mermaids.
There is something fishy about them.
Did you know that kangaroos can jump higher than the average house?
It's because of their strong hind legs, and the fact that the average house can't jump.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
Mahatma Gandhi was known for walking hundreds of miles barefoot. Over time he developed incredibly thick calluses on his feet stronger than the soles of many boots.
He also ate lightly and fasted often, which left him frail and gave him chronically bad breath.
And do you know what this made him?
A super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
I thought my friend Terry was crazy when he said he had lice, so I told him he should have his head examined.
What good is having cake if you can't eat it too? 🤔 🍰
I have a penis joke, but it's too short
I have a math joke but it doesn't add up
Quote from: Cassia on October 19, 2023, 10:49:58 PMI have a math joke but it doesn't add up
I'd tell a joke about Pi but it'd just go on forever.
Quote from: Hydra009 on October 19, 2023, 10:58:21 PMI'd tell a joke about Pi but it'd just go on forever.
At least it doesn't repeat.
Rodney Dangerfield told one of my favorite jokes, about his family being so poor when he was a kid that they couldn't afford to buy him any toys. So if he hadn't been born a boy he'd've had nothing to play with.
🤣
I asked my uncle, the trucker, if he would ever quit driving. He said no, he's in it for the long haul.
I was never here.
I used the word "coincidental" and got accused of being an anti-dentite.
What do you call a pachyderm demon?
A hellephant!
"Here" and "there" are relative terms, but since I have no relatives I was neither here nor there.
😉
Rodney Dangerfield told Johnny Carson he was having trouble with his dog. She's a female, and when he tried to mate her she wanted 50 biscuits.
Quote from: Unbeliever on October 29, 2023, 05:21:28 PMRodney Dangerfield told Johnny Carson he was having trouble with his dog. She's a female, and when he tried to mate her she wanted 50 biscuits.
no respect
Wizards don't fart, they cast smells.
🤢
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 01, 2023, 12:34:00 AMWizards don't fart, they cast smells.
🤢
Wizards make for terrible CEOs. They always call for staff meetings.
Quote from: Hydra009 on November 01, 2023, 01:24:08 AMWizards make for terrible CEOs. They always call for staff meetings.
They're not fired, their staff is broken!
Quote from: Gawdzilla Sama on November 03, 2023, 05:58:06 PMThey're not fired, their staff is broken!
On the plus side, they always arrive for meetings on time, neither early nor late. At least, from a certain point of view. (RIP Haldir)
The similarities between baseball and bowling are striking.
A guy was riding a donkey when someone threw a rock at him and he fell off. He was stoned off his ass.
If zombies come to your door on Halloween, you should probably opt for the trick, since your candy isn't likely to be the treat they crave! 😵
This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
Someone once asked me if I could speak to someone alive or dead, who would I pick. I said alive.
Yeah, kinda hard to speak to someone who's dead - unless you're a necromancer...like Whoopee Goldberg in whatever that movie was. 👻
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 14, 2023, 11:29:36 AMYeah, kinda hard to speak to someone who's dead - unless you're a necromancer...like Whoopee Goldberg in whatever that movie was. 👻
Ghost
I wonder how a ghost could be either seen or heard, given that they aren't physical, natural things. In order for someone to see a ghost it would have to either reflect or emit photons. And in order to be heard it would have to be able to affect the air molecules. If it could do any of that stuff it would be natural.
🤔
Quote from: Hydra009 on November 14, 2023, 02:27:22 AMSomeone once asked me if I could speak to someone alive or dead, who would I pick. I said alive.
Me: Dead, my third wife.
He: She's dead?
Me: No.
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 14, 2023, 04:24:30 PMI wonder how a ghost could be either seen or heard, given that they aren't physical, natural things. In order for someone to see a ghost it would have to either reflect or emit photons. And in order to be heard it would have to be able to affect the air molecules. If it could do any of that stuff it would be natural.
🤔
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 14, 2023, 04:24:30 PMI wonder how a ghost could be either seen or heard, given that they aren't physical, natural things. In order for someone to see a ghost it would have to either reflect or emit photons. And in order to be heard it would have to be able to affect the air molecules. If it could do any of that stuff it would be natural.
🤔
Total agreement. But if religious people can believe in a holy ghost, why not a regular ghost? And Hollywood believes in money and will make a movie about anything--if there is a buck in it.
Quote from: Gawdzilla Sama on November 14, 2023, 06:49:59 PMMe: Dead, my third wife.
He: She's dead?
Me: No.
No offense, but I'm genuinely glad that Millennials are killing WifeBad humor.
Quote from: Hydra009 on November 14, 2023, 11:38:04 PMNo offense, but I'm genuinely glad that Millennials are killing WifeBad humor.
I am often told I am very strange because I still spit-up my milk when these guys are on. In certain stressful situations if often wonder "what would Curley do?" and then I regain perspective. I can usually think of much better things to do than sitting around waiting to become offended.
(https://www.cantonrep.com/gcdn/authoring/2016/03/30/NREP/ghows-OH-72b19521-4da1-4dcf-b23c-0e4f4d5e9628-37fe5a84.jpeg?width=576&height=422&fit=crop&format=pjpg&auto=webp)
For some reason, I find their antics hilarious in black and white, but they're insufferable when set in the present day.
*breaks chandelier* 😆
*breaks gaming pc* 😡
Quote from: Cassia on November 15, 2023, 09:07:36 AMI am often told I am very strange because I still spit-up my milk when these guys are on. In certain stressful situations if often wonder "what would Curley do?" and then I regain perspective. I can usually think of much better things to do than sitting around waiting to become offended.
(https://www.cantonrep.com/gcdn/authoring/2016/03/30/NREP/ghows-OH-72b19521-4da1-4dcf-b23c-0e4f4d5e9628-37fe5a84.jpeg?width=576&height=422&fit=crop&format=pjpg&auto=webp)
I'm a victim of coicumstance ... nyuk nyuk nyuk
"A wise guy, aye?"
A blonde wanted to go to the beach, so she got in her car and drove toward the ocean. When she got close she saw a sign that said "Beach Left" so she did a U-turn and went home.
My favorite Stooges was when they were using a Renault FT-1 as a tractor. You can just imagine!
I managed to solve 5 sides of my Rubik's cube, but I just can't seem to solve the 6th side!
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 26, 2023, 07:03:13 PMI managed to solve 5 sides of my Rubik's cube, but I just can't seem to solve the 6th side!
What about the in-side?
...
(https://i.imgur.com/zfXkE6gl.jpeg)
Whomever invented knock-knock jokes should win a no bell prize.
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 28, 2023, 06:30:59 PMWhomever invented knock-knock jokes should win a no bell prize.
Im keepin that one.
Well, as Jimmy Durante used to say, "I gotta million of 'em!" 🤣
I went on a blind date the other night. When the lady saw me she said "Now I wish I really was blind!"
Do two wrongs make a right-winger?
I know I'm ugly. I went to a freak show and they tried to hire me.
"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."
Mark Twain
"If at first you don't succeed, use more duct tape."
Red Green
Here's another one from Red Green:
"If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."
Handsy?
Quote from: Unbeliever on November 30, 2023, 11:21:21 PMHere's another one from Red Green:
"If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."
Almost Groucho style.
Have you ever seen the Red Green Show? It's pretty funny!
"I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then, whenever I need boiling water, I simply defrost it."
Gracie Allen
I don't vote for the Democratic Party. I don't vote for the Republican Party. I don't vote for the Green Party.
I only vote for the Surprise Party.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
Groucho Marx
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 01, 2023, 06:41:50 PMHave you ever seen the Red Green Show? It's pretty funny!
Yeah, he is a great engineer....I think he used a weed whacker as a boat motor or something like that.
Here's another Groucho Marx quote that doesn't really belong in this thread because it's not funny, and it's not a joke, but it's a great quote:
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
Quote from: Cassia on December 01, 2023, 02:48:04 PMAlmost Groucho style.
Meh, I read that joke inside a dog.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Groucho Marx
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
Rodney Dangerfield
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
George Carlin
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 02, 2023, 07:41:08 PM"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
George Carlin
Kind of sad, since Santa only comes once a year.
"I'm not superstitious, I'm just a little bit stitious."
Micheal (The Office)
A lady comes across a tiny frog, and the frog says to her "If you kiss me I'll become a handsome prince."
The lady says "Fuck it, I'd rather have a talking frog."
Norm McDonald
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
When bees move into a new hive do they have a house swarming party?
A possum being chased by a pack of taxidermists should never play dead.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 06, 2023, 07:39:42 PMA possum being chased by a pack of taxidermists should never play dead.
Fun story. We had an outside dog back in the '80s. She was barking intermittently one night, to the point that I had to go out and see what was going on. There was a possum, trying to play...possum, and every time the dog went at it, it twitched. I picked it up with a shovel and dropped it into a neighbor's yard (they did not have a dog). Problem solved.
When I lived in Willits in the late 90s we had a border collie (Katie) that would often bark at treed raccoons in the wee hours of the morning, and we'd have to get up and go shoot at them until they were dead (which hardly ever happened) or she'd quit barking.
*monitors thread and makes a note of who not to move next door to*
Well, at the time I was living on 340 acres, so we didn't really have "next door" neighbors.
I told my cousin to play possum.
He got hit by a car.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 03, 2023, 08:49:45 PM"I'm not superstitious, I'm just a little bit stitious."
Micheal (The Office)
It's only on the surface, I'm suprastitious.
Quote from: the_antithesis on December 07, 2023, 12:51:08 AMI told my cousin to play possum.
He got hit by a car.
Dog: I love chasing cars to smell the exhaust!
Cat: You can get brain damage that way!
Dog: From sniffing fumes?
Cat: No, from getting your head run over by a rear tire.
T/Y and a tip of the hat to Cheech & Chong.
I went to a store, I wanted to buy a candleholder, but they didn't have one.
So I bought a cake.
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get 7 years bad luck. But my lawyer says he can get me 5.
I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck.
Do not go see Dr. Acula!
When I was a kid I had a fear of numbers. But then I took algebra, then I had a fear of letters too.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 12, 2023, 03:07:23 PMWhat do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
We knew there was no Santa because we woke up to hear dad yelling at mom when trying to assemble a bicycle or something. I was shattered for about a half hour. We kept our mouths shut about it and played the game with some extra leverage after that.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 12, 2023, 01:58:23 PMWhen I was a kid I had a fear of numbers. But then I took algebra, then I had a fear of letters too.
I broke my math bone in the 5th grade. It never healed properly. Never minded that.
When Thor spent the night with a woman, he got up the next morning and said to her, "I have to tell you, I am Thor."
She said, "Well I can hardly walk!"
I went to a gym 'cause I wanted to get in shape. Now I'm a dodecahedron.
I had fleas and ticks but I bathed in low fat milk and now I only have ticks.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 13, 2023, 06:56:28 PMI had fleas and ticks but I bathed in low fat milk and now I only have ticks.
I don't get this one.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I once met a man with one ear named Larry. I don't know the name of his other ear.
What do you call a chic southern gal conspiracist loving grill master? A Barbie Q
Quote from: Cassia on December 13, 2023, 08:58:03 AMWe knew there was no Santa because we woke up to hear dad yelling at mom when trying to assemble a bicycle or something. I was shattered for about a half hour. We kept our mouths shut about it and played the game with some extra leverage after that.
I found out about Saint Nicholas not being real after I found the drawings that he'd supposedly taken with him, in a shelf.
Our saint nick ain't santa though.
I never really believed in american santa, i think.
Our parents kept the presents under the tree way before christmass-eve. So there was no role for santa to actually play in the festivities.
And besides, with christmass, we got together with family and exchanged gifts and 90% of them were pyjamas or socks or stuff like that.
Our 'santa' equivalent, sinterklaas, came on the sixth of december. He travelled to belgium on a steamboat. And traversed the roofs on a white horse. His helper travelled down the chimney and brought the presents and speculoos and chocolate and marzepan and clementines and other treats.
And regarding that helper, in case you heard it before, yeah... not exactly a high note of the mythos. To put it mildly.
In any case: those gifts we didn't get to see in advance. So that we were inclined to believe.
We sang songs for sinterklaas. Saw enchanting tv shows about him. We left a beer for him and a carrot for his horse, in our shoes, by the fireplace... that part felt magical.
But when i found out, i wasn't sad at all. I was old enough to realize 'oh yes, it doesn't really make sense' though i had not even once questioned it so far. And i immeadiately realized this meant my parents loved us so much that they went through all this hassle for us.
I believed in Santa Claus because we always left milk and cookies out for him, and they were always gone the next morning. And NORAD always tracked him on radar, so what was I supposed to think? Then one day, when I was about 6 years old, we were at the local shopping mall and I wanted to sit on Santa's lap and tell him what I wanted for Christmas, and my mom (adopted) said "don't be stupid, there's no such thing as Santa Claus!"
😱
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on December 17, 2023, 03:22:22 PMAnd regarding that helper, in case you heard it before, yeah... not exactly a high note of the mythos. To put it mildly.
You don't say...
When gay roosters crow they say "any cock'll do!" 🐓
Two gay deer walk out of a casino.
Says one to the other: "I can't believe we are walking out here with earnings."
Says the other: "I can't believe you blew a hundred bucks in there."
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 17, 2023, 06:57:04 PMWhen gay roosters crow they say "any cock'll do!" 🐓
I kind of liked a joke on Howard Stern from way back in the day (The set up was Michael Jackson filling in the blank: "_____ a doodle doo" I don't understand it either)
"I got no women. A dude'll do.
Quote from: the_antithesis on December 17, 2023, 07:15:59 PMI kind of liked a joke on Howard Stern from way back in the day (The set up was Michael Jackson filling in the blank: "_____ a doodle doo" I don't understand it either)
"I got no women. A dude'll do.
Pretty sure that, "A boy'll do" would be more correct, given his penchant for young boys.
And completely not funny, btw.
Quote from: Dark Lightning on December 17, 2023, 08:37:34 PMPretty sure that, "A boy'll do" would be more correct, given his penchant for young boys.
Doesn't fit the joke.
Moreover, this was the early 80's, so there may have been some questions on MJ's sexuality, what with the female hormones and all, but just how fucked up he was wasn't known, suspected, or even acknowledged. We didn't want to know.
Quote from: the_antithesis on December 17, 2023, 08:39:59 PMDoesn't fit the joke.
Moreover, this was the early 80's, so there may have been some questions on MJ's sexuality, what with the female hormones and all, but just how fucked up he was wasn't known, suspected, or even acknowledged. We didn't want to know.
OK 🤷�♂️
My brother told me 25% of all women are under psychological care. "It is shocking", he says "because the other 75% are walking around untreated."
Oh Yeah, I can see why Sinterklaas isn't gonna work out well over here. Plus he looks way more religious.
(https://stuffdutchpeoplelike.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/sinterklaas.png)
It does look like a tea cozy.
Lucky me, I don't even know what a tea cozy is... 🤔
OK, I googled, so now I at least know what a tea cozy is... 🧠
(https://media.giphy.com/media/xTiTno1ju4OXEUL5Sg/giphy.gif)
The more I know the more I realize just how ignorant I am.
Here's one from the Carol Burnett show, with Don Adams playing the Tonight Show host:
Carol: Knock knock.
Don: Who's there?
Carol: Arch.
Don: Arch who?
Carol: Gesundheit!
Most of my friends don't like my bug memes, but katy did.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 13, 2023, 01:50:16 PMWhen Thor spent the night with a woman, he got up the next morning and said to her, "I have to tell you, I am Thor."
She said, "Well I can hardly walk!"
Got hammered, did she?
What ancient Roman wore an eye patch, had a wooden leg and carried a parrot on his shoulder?
Pontius Pirate.
Was I the only one bothered that the patient in the Operation game was clearly awake?
I am now experiencing life at several WTFs per hour.
Did you know that "boobytrap" spelled backwards is "partyboob"?
I used to be an amateur crastinator, but then I turned pro.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 23, 2023, 03:34:28 PMI used to be an amateur crastinator, but then I turned pro.
I'm so pro that I'm currently wrapping gifts for last Christmas.
We'll be giving a christmas card to my sister that we forgot to give last year.
Did you know losing rock-paper-scissors as difficult as winning it?
Quote from: drunkenshoe on December 27, 2023, 09:52:30 AMDid you know losing rock-paper-scissors as difficult as winning it?
I used to have toy soldiers that belonged to one of three factions - fire, water, earth. Water beat fire, fire beat earth, earth beat water. So, no definitive winner. I eventually solved the problem by deciding that they declared a mutual truce.
Quote from: Hydra009 on December 27, 2023, 10:15:51 AMI used to have toy soldiers that belonged to one of three factions - fire, water, earth. Water beat fire, fire beat earth, earth beat water. So, no definitive winner. I eventually solved the problem by deciding that they declared a mutual truce.
"Collect all eighty four!"
When I finally flunked out of medical school, my mother said that's OK dear, think of all the lives you just saved !
The world's oldest nun has died at the age of 118 years.
The cause of death?
Answered prayer.
A man in Pennsylvania was arrested after having sex with the tail pipe of a 1967 T-bird.
The sex was described as "exhausting."
A one-armed woman in Florida was arrested for trying to rob a bank.
Police said that the hardest part was figuring out how to put on the handcuffs.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 31, 2023, 06:46:12 PMA one-armed woman in Florida was arrested for trying to rob a bank.
Police said that the hardest part was figuring out how to put on the handcuffs.
They carry belts for that kind of situation. I've seen them used in LA back in the day.
I guess they learned that from Las Vegas, where there are a lot of one-armed bandits.
Coroner to best friend: What a tough day at work. I saw my exes' body come through the morgue.
Best friend: Wait. Isn't she the one who ghosted you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
To hold up their pants.
This year, I've decided to eat only organic foods.
That's right, from now on, I'm going strictly carbon–hydrogen or carbon–carbon. Water excluded, of course. And maybe a few sulfates on cheat days because I like firm tofu. Also, small amounts of essential minerals as needed. But no more chunks of raw crystals in my bowl!
"One in 20 people have been a victim of crime, which means that 19 out of 20 people are criminals. No wonder we need police."
Philomena Cunk
Quote from: Hydra009 on January 04, 2024, 12:15:47 AMThis year, I've decided to eat only organic foods.
That's right, from now on, I'm going strictly carbon–hydrogen or carbon–carbon. Water excluded, of course. And maybe a few sulfates on cheat days because I like firm tofu. Also, small amounts of essential minerals as needed. But no more chunks of raw crystals in my bowl!
One of my sons and I were at a store buying food, and he was looking at a package of vegetables that were labeled "organic". We joked about it a bit, and he then said that he'd rather have some silicic (since silicon is right underneath carbon on the periodic table) vegetation, and the checker busted a gut. Score one for people in the genpop knowing something about chemistry. 👍
Quote from: Hydra009 on January 04, 2024, 12:15:47 AMThis year, I've decided to eat only organic foods.
Which organs are better, kidneys or livers?
Kidneys. Just make sure to boil the piss out of them.
Quote from: Unbeliever on January 06, 2024, 12:01:15 AMWhich organs are better, kidneys or livers?
Well, kids need the former, but a good life requires a good liver.
So, both kidneys and livers are good for eating organic?
Quote from: Unbeliever on January 06, 2024, 11:51:03 AMSo, both kidneys and livers are good for eating organic?
Brains!
So zombies eat organic? 🤣
I know what I put my liver through. I wouldn't recommend it.
"If at first ya don't succeed, keep on suckin' 'til ya do succeed."
Curly Howard
Yep, that's the one! 🤣
Today, a man who was swallowed by a whale managed to escape by running as fast as he could until he was all pooped out.
Today I bought an off-road vehicle. I got it all the way home before I realized it's a canoe.
If I were to get a dog, I'd name him cemetery.
I can't find my thesaurus and that makes me feel very, very, very, very angry!
I'm happy to announce that my investments are doing well.
Everyone's been telling me to buy the dip and diversify. So I bought some salsa, guacamole, queso, spinach, and jalapeno ranch and it's all really good!
A fellow was walking down the street with his wife when suddenly he saw his mother-in-law being beaten and robbed by six guys.
His wife turned to him and said, "Aren't you going to help?"
He said, "No, six should be enough."
Quote from: the_antithesis on January 13, 2024, 12:19:00 AMIf I were to get a dog, I'd name him Quote from: the_antithesis on January 13, 2024, 12:19:00 AMIf I were to get a dog, I'd name him cemetery.
Sorry this one went over my head :s
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on January 14, 2024, 01:52:32 PMSorry this one went over my head :s
Pet Cemetary, maybe?
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on January 14, 2024, 01:52:32 PMSorry this one went over my head :s
Then you don't get to pet Cemetery.
Here, Cemetery. Here, boy. Good Cemetery. Now play dead.
...
Ew.
I think the embalming was unnecessary.
I think if I had a dog, I'd name him Bill, or George, anything but Sue! 🤣
"Why don't catfish have kittens?"
Moe Howard
My friend Jimmy bought an electric car, and he was very happy with it. So he bought an electric blanket, then an electric guitar, and he was happy with those too.
Then he bought an electric chair and I haven't heard from him...
Quote from: Unbeliever on January 25, 2024, 12:29:41 AMMy friend Jimmy bought an electric car, and he was very happy with it. So he bought an electric blanket, then an electric guitar, and he was happy with those too.
Then he bought an electric chair and I haven't heard from him...
Some of those chairs take a good while to execute their mission sometimes. Florida's is called "old sparky".
My Grandpa kept yelling "the Titanic is gonna sink, I just know it!". Finally, they asked him to leave the theater.
Blackbeard's gut-feeling told him not to trust the mermaid before him.
There was something fishy, about her.
"A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone."
Larry David
Quote from: Cassia on January 06, 2024, 12:41:22 PMBrains!
Check the numbers.
(https://scontent-ord5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/308621617_426232262983133_6918819916921170106_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=783fdb&_nc_ohc=8nlTrRI-rgsAX-DabFB&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-2.xx&oh=00_AfCWpMVBKYsVKIhJUdhfPzx1ev3rBauSsU_nwtOPfpfyBg&oe=65C22259)
Under Communism Man oppresses man. Under capitalism, it's the other way round.
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 03, 2024, 07:27:01 PMUnder Communism Man oppresses man. Under capitalism, it's the other way round.
So women get a break?
Only if they're lucky.
My father has schizophrenia, but he's good people.
Quote from: Cassia on February 04, 2024, 12:04:11 PMMy father has schizophrenia, but he's good people.
I think I met some of him...
The Republican Party is the finest group of people money can buy.
I found the key to success, but somebody had changed the lock.
When I found out that the Earth rotates it really made my day.
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 06, 2024, 03:01:41 AMWhen I found out that the Earth rotates it really made my day.
Nonsense. The Earth is flat; just step outside and take a look.
Quote from: Cassia on February 06, 2024, 06:17:35 AMNonsense. The Earth is flat; just step outside and take a look.
I've always wondered why the flat earth people never seem to account for satellites. Because if the Earth were flat, the whole world would either get a fantasic signal or no signal. And with natural satelites like the moon, the whole world could see it at the same time or no one could see it.
They blow it off, facts don't phase them.
The Earth isn't flat, it's flatulent 🤣
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 07, 2024, 09:47:17 PMThe Earth isn't flat, it's flatulent 🤣
Aww, now you're just farting around...
Well, what do you expect an old fart to do!? 🤣
So, we're gaslighting now?
Better than Moonlighting.
Fart lighting is funnier.
Ain't no such varmint.
(https://language101.com/files/2011/10/ausfahrt-s.jpg)
Ich komme aus Ausfart.
Over sharing, meine liebchen.
Quote from: Hydra009 on February 08, 2024, 08:24:50 PMIch komme aus Ausfart.
Ausfahrt is something you see all over german highways. It's not a town.
It is the lane you take to leave the highway.
Aus - out/off
Fahrt - drive
Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary.
However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned that if you drink too much it's likely tequilya.
That sounds kind of rum.
But i beer you might be right.
Fart jokes are the pinochle of the joke hierarchy.
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 10, 2024, 05:47:37 PMAlcohol is not in my vodkabulary.
However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned that if you drink too much it's likely tequilya.
Used to hunt deserters for the USN. Area of responsibility included LA, Lost Wages, and all of Arizona. Sometimes I'd use an unmarked Navy sedan, sometimes I rode with an officer or six. (Samoan deserters got a higher response, of course.) But we could be diverted if needed which, at one point, had me watching an officer talk to a possible DUI driver. The dude gave out the most memorable quote, "I'm not so think as you drunk I am."
Quote from: Cassia on February 11, 2024, 08:11:47 AMFart jokes are the pinochle of the joke hierarchy.
You mean the peenochle? 😉
I saw a man at the Super Bowl with an empty seat next to him.
I lean over and ask him how there is an empty seat. He told me that he bought the tickets several months ago for him and his wife, but the wife unfortunately passed. I give my condolences, and I ask him why none of his family members took the ticket. He responded that they are all at the funeral.
What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?
The Detroit Lions.
I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...
0-0
Reminds me of a friend to bragged the Chicago Cubs had won the most recent World Series. I asked him what their win percentage was over the last 10 years. He grumbled.
So, some guys at work were talking about Limp Bizkit for some reason. I mention he's directing movies now. But they were puzzled by the album name Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water. They understood the starfish, but what is the hot dog flavored water? I said that, well, there's a thing that's kind of hot dog shaped. They said they get dicks, but why. I said, it's because they're gay, that's why. So one of them looks up their discography and they have another album called Three Dollar Bill, Y'all, and I was like, they are gay. The full saying is queer as a three dollar bill. So I solved the mystery. All done. I did a good deed.
So then I go, Limp Bizkit are the ones who sing All-Star, right? They said, no, that was Smash Mouth. I said, I can believe that. Because I'm a believer. And he waled away quickly like he was having a diarrhea attack.
Quote from: the_antithesis on February 13, 2024, 12:32:59 AMSo then I go, Limp Bizkit are the ones who sing All-Star, right? They said, no, that was Smash Mouth.
I actually owned the debut Smash Mouth CD and kinda liked All Star before it got played to death. I thought Why Can't We Be Friends? was their best song until I found out that it was a cover.
Heard a lot of those when I lived in SoCal. Dick-flavored water is urine.
Fruit farmers eat what they can and can what they can't.
Chemists can often double as healers or morticians. If they can't helium, then they can barium.
"If you go to family reunions to meet women, you might be a redneck."
Jeff Foxworthy
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 26, 2024, 08:55:42 PM"If you go to family reunions to meet women, you might be a redneck."
Jeff Foxworthy
My cousins in ARKansas and Kinfucky would agree.
My son just asked me for help with his trigonometry schoolwork.
While he fetched his books, I snuck out the back door and started a new life up in the mountains somewhere.
I accidentally took my cat's medicine last night
Don't ask meow!
I think this 'Miss Universe' contest is rigged.
I mean, every one of the contestants is from Earth.
Quote from: Cassia on February 28, 2024, 05:04:09 PMMy son just asked me for help with his trigonometry schoolwork.
While he fetched his books, I snuck out the back door and started a new life up in the mountains somewhere.
On Mount SOHCAHTOA? 🤔
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Quote from: Cassia on March 03, 2024, 08:05:00 AMIf a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Bagel.
Quote from: Cassia on February 28, 2024, 05:04:09 PMMy son just asked me for help with his trigonometry schoolwork.
While he fetched his books, I snuck out the back door and started a new life up in the mountains somewhere.
Oooh, very triggy.
Quote from: Cassia on March 03, 2024, 08:05:00 AMIf a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Hegulls.
A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient's visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer. He looks at it and, exclaims, "Damn it! Some asshole has my pen"
Quote from: Cassia on March 03, 2024, 08:05:00 AMIf a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Well, you can see seagulls and hear heargulls and feel feelgulls and smell smellgulls and taste..., uh, Colonel chicken.
My boat motor quit but the water was shallow. The dilemma was to row vs wade.
I hate the guy who invented the number zero. Thanks for nothing, asshole!
How does the Flying Spaghetti Monster fly, given that it has no wings? Do it's farts sustain it in the air via Newton's laws? I've always wondered about this. 🤔
I leave brains cells in a trail so I can find my way out of this thread.
Don't let the Minataur get ya! 🤣
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 07, 2024, 08:22:53 PMHow does the Flying Spaghetti Monster fly, given that it has no wings? Do it's farts sustain it in the air via Newton's laws? I've always wondered about this. 🤔
The meatballs are filled with helium.
Ah, yes, that explains it! 🤣
My girlfriend decided to stay over last night but she was worried because she left her accordion in the front seat of her car. I told her, don't worry we don't have thieves around here. Sure enough, the next day we went out to her car, and saw that someone broke in and left another accordion.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil...
😖
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 11, 2024, 11:04:44 PMDid you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil...
😖
Log function?
Quote from: Hydra009 on April 12, 2024, 02:49:55 PMLog function?
That requires a slide rule. (It's, logarithmic in function, ya know).
The surgeon stands over the patient in the operating room, and says, "Dave, don't be nervous. You'll get through this. It's going to be all right."
The patient says, "Doc, my name is Frank."
"I know," says the surgeon. "My name is Dave."
I hate when people don't know the difference between your and you're.
There so stupid.
Yeah, their really dum. 🦧
Quote from: Cassia on April 15, 2024, 06:37:25 PMI hate when people don't know the difference between your and you're.
There so stupid.
I blame smartphones and the inability of early autocorrect implementations to sort that out. IIRC, it wasn't nearly as much of an issue before smartphones hit the scene.
One relatively recent shift is to say that something is better by calling it "infinitely" better (imo, the difference better be extreme to the point of nearly incomparable or this annoys me). Or someone isn't merely annoying or ignorant but "aggressively" annoying or ignorant. And no one is angry or furious or outraged anymore - they're "feeling some kind of way" (why so vague?)
Granted, I was part of the generation that butchered "awesome" and "nevermind", so I fully realize that my house is made of glass.
Hey, remember that year where guys who took showers and used deodorant were "metrosexual"?
Weather forecasters have predicted a large number of hurricanes this year due to an abnormally high number of gay weddings.
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 19, 2024, 12:19:49 AMWeather forecasters have predicted a large number of hurricanes this year due to an abnormally high number of gay weddings.
"Suck, damn it! 'Blow' is just an expression!"
If I dream in color, is it a pigment of my imagination?
(https://i.imgur.com/rwGYjZF.jpeg)
Scientists have taught a goldfish to drive a car, and they believe it is the first step to eventually training women.
What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets? 🤔
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 26, 2024, 01:06:16 PMWhat if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets? 🤔
You'd think there'd be an easy-to-find meme of a UFO or an alien getting hit. You'd be wrong.
... and also fat.
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 22, 2024, 09:30:21 PMScientists have taught a goldfish to drive a car, and they believe it is the first step to eventually training women.
Nope. Still waiting for the real life, functional auto-pilot mode. Or I may employ one of the goldfish trainees, if that's gonna go mainstream. Men complain too much recently. You know, "We do all the heavy, and manual jobs...yap yap..." myeh, lol.
E: That was supposed to be menial, lol.
Quote from: drunkenshoe on May 03, 2024, 09:30:42 AMNope. Still waiting for the real life, functional auto-pilot mode. Or I may employ one of the goldfish trainees, if that's gonna go mainstream. Men complain too much recently. You know, "We do all the heavy, and manual jobs...yap yap..." myeh, lol.
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/94/e1/88/94e188754727a5b5bbb0be80eff57079.jpg)
After Picasso cut off his ear, did he have trouble getting fitted for glasses?
The math book was sad because it had a lot of problems.
Quote from: Unbeliever on May 03, 2024, 07:43:00 PMThe math book was sad because it had a lot of problems.
The chemistry book should help out because it has plenty of solutions!
Quote from: Unbeliever on May 03, 2024, 06:34:05 PMAfter Picasso cut off his ear, did he have trouble getting fitted for glasses?
Van Gogh
Oops! 🤣
Quote from: the_antithesis on May 03, 2024, 11:40:01 PMVan Gogh
You know, funnily enough, i was playing 'time's up' with a few colleagues.
And when someone had to have her team guess picasso, she said: 'ear cut off'.
They didn't guess it, naturally.
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on May 04, 2024, 07:18:52 AMYou know, funnily enough, i was playing 'time's up' with a few colleagues.
And when someone had to have her team guess picasso, she said: 'ear cut off'.
They didn't guess it, naturally.
[/quote
That reminds me of the time when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor.
Quote from: Hydra009 on May 03, 2024, 10:44:07 PMThe chemistry book should help out because it has plenty of solutions!
Nice!
I sometimes break into song, but I wouldn't have to break in if I could find the key. 🎼🎵🎶
What do you call the little round holes on the right side of a ship? 🤔
Dennis.
Doreen's husband Matt died suddenly one day. Doreen was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Matt's obituary to read.
Doreen asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
Doreen then said, "I want the obituary to read – MATT IS DEAD."
The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
Doreen's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read – MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."
At least he didn't cut off Picasso's dick... 🫣
I had to cut off dick once. She wouldn't let me buy that Harley. Took almost a week, but I got the bike.
Did you hear about the stray cat that vanished near a Chinese restaurant?
They adopted it.
Was it a Cheshire cat?😺
I'm having a Guinness at the local watering hole, and the bartender has a T-shirt that says:
DUCT TAPE
it can't fix
STUPID
but it can
MUFFLE
the sound
From a headline:
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.
😄 Ya think!?
(https://i.imgur.com/RZkVG6G.jpeg)
I quit drinking cold turkey.
That stuff tasted terrible.
Hmmm. I haven't any Wild Turkey 101 proof in months. Damn, that stuff is good!
Fun story. Back in the late '70s to early '80s, I worked as a mechanic. The boss would buy everyone a turkey at Thanksgiving and xmas. After the first time, that seemed a bit lopsided to me, so I did a whip-around with the other employees and bought him a decanter of Wild Turkey. His wife told me later that that was his favorite bourbon. In the 6 years I worked there until I graduated uni, he got a decanter of Wild Turkey at xmas.
Quote from: Dark Lightning on May 27, 2024, 07:50:47 PMHmmm. I haven't any Wild Turkey 101 proof in months. Damn, that stuff is good!
Fun story. Back in the late '70s to early '80s, I worked as a mechanic. The boss would buy everyone a turkey at Thanksgiving and xmas. After the first time, that seemed a bit lopsided to me, so I did a whip-around with the other employees and bought him a decanter of Wild Turkey. His wife told me later that that was his favorite bourbon. In the 6 years I worked there until I graduated uni, he got a decanter of Wild Turkey at xmas.
One of my first jobs was at a privately owned engineering/manufacturing firm. The owner would dress as Santa and drive around in a golf cart handing out turkeys. On either side of him he had buxom "stripper" elves who helped hand the gifts out.
When I lived "on the economy"* in Puerto Rico I shared a place with three other sailors. I home alone that day so I bought a bottle of Smirnoff Silver and had a few sips before going to bed. When I woke up the bottle hadn't moved. This would come is second after the Second Coming of Christ. But as I looked closer I saw that "somebody" had written "snake oil" on the label. My roomies were afraid to test that.
If God didn't want us to have guns he wouldn't have given us trigger fingers!
My bartender's t-shirt says "Bartenders make it fun to swallow."
The Lord giveth,and the Lord taketh away.
Does that make the Lord an indian giver?
What's the difference between a child and a prostitute?
I don't know, what?
You fucking monster.
Pirate walks into a bar, bartender says, hey man, you know you have a steering wheel hanging out of your pants? Pirate says, arr aye matey it's drivin me nuts...
There is a new fad around town.....glass-top coffins. If it really catches on or not remains to be seen.
Quote from: Cassia on June 04, 2024, 10:43:02 AMThere is a new fad around town.....glass-top coffins. If it really catches on or not remains to be seen.
there is a turkish saying that goes: live it full and fast, die young so that your "dead" body will be handsome.
İ am no expert on the topics regarding afterlife, they say youll be incarnate at the age of 33, when you Are fully physically active, and also mentally mature.
Quote from: SoldierofFortune on June 04, 2024, 11:12:25 AMthere is a turkish saying that goes: live it full and fast, die young so that your "dead" body will be handsome.
İ am no expert on the topics regarding afterlife, they say youll be incarnate at the age of 33, when you Are fully physically active, and also mentally mature.
I would like my brain now in my 19-year-old body !
Quote from: Cassia on June 04, 2024, 11:30:45 AMI would like my brain now in my 19-year-old body !
if youth only knew, if age only could.
Quote from: SoldierofFortune on June 04, 2024, 11:12:25 AMthere is a turkish saying that goes: live it full and fast, die young so that your "dead" body will be handsome.
My husband shaved his pubes into a Hitler mustache. Now he calls his penis "The Dictator".
My buddy saw a dog licking his balls and said "I wish I could do that". I suggested maybe he should just pet him instead.
The racist next door said when he wants to look at porn he goes to kkk.onlyclans.com
Yeah, not clicking on that link.
An American, a Frenchman and a German were arrested in Romania for smuggling gold.
The arresting officer allowed them to be released on one condition:
They each had to withstand 20 lashes from a whip.
Since it was their first offense, the officer said, "Each of you can make one wish before the whipping begins."
The German was first, and he said, "I wish to have a pillow tied to my back."
The whipping began, and the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before it went through, and the German began screaming in pain.
Next up was the Frenchman. He said, "I would like 2 pillows tied to my back."
With 2 pillows protecting him he barely felt any of the pain.
He turned to the American and said, "Too bad there are no pillows left. Sucks to be you!"
The American stepped up, and the officer said, "Your country is very beautiful and I love visiting. I will allow you to make 2 wishes."
The American replied, "Thank you officer. My first wish is that I would like to have 100 lashes instead of 20."
This confused everyone.
Then the officer got emotional and said, "You are very brave. If you want 100 lashes, that is what you will get. What is your second wish?"
The American said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."
Where's Liz been?
Portugal
I'm opening a new gym, and the instructors are going to go from door to door around the neighborhood, telling people about the benefits of joining it.
I've named it Jehovah's Fitness.
Quote from: Unbeliever on July 17, 2024, 01:21:34 PMI'm opening a new gym, and the instructors are going to go from door to door around the neighborhood, telling people about the benefits of joining it.
I've named it Jehovah's Fitness.
My girlfriend was trying to quit that religion. It got so bad she had to join a Jehova's Witness Protection Program.
Two JW ladies came to my door some time last year, I guess they wanted to convert me, but they left disappointed.
Civilization pitch meeting:
Producer Guy: Hi, I heard you had a pitch for me.
Writer Guy: Yes, I did. You know that green stuff that we forage as we migrate around? I was thinking we just save some of those seeds and put them in the ground for infinite food. Really hack the matrix.
Producer Guy: I don't know what you said, but you said infinite food, so I'm in. Though it's going to be pretty hard to migrate while also watching over the food.
Writer Guy: Nah, that'll be super easy, barley a...
Producer Guy: Huh? What's barley?
Writer Guy: It's a crop we'll be growing. So no more migrating, it's too much of an inconvenience with all the barley we'll have to watch over.
Producer Guy: So let's say that we have infinite food, then what?
Writer Guy: I dunno, maybe invent religion and government and taxes and war and pesticides and video games and space exploration and bombs.
Producer Guy: Video games are tight! Wait...what was that about bombs?
Writer Guy: They're little things that go boom. You know, to clear tree stumps and rocks out of the way to make way for the crops.
Producer Guy: Well, alright. Those sound pretty scary but I think we can trust people to do the right thing and only use them in non-violent ways or in self-defense.
*music sting*
*thousands of newspaper headlines hitting the desk*
I don't think we should be telling Holocaust jokes. I don't find them funny because my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
He fell from the watchtower.
I once bought a hat for my leg. It was a kneecap.
I can't believe the neighbors think my house is haunted. I've lived here for 367 years and have never seen anything out of the normal.
You've seen two normals.
That a pair of normals.
Quote from: SoldierofFortune on June 04, 2024, 11:12:25 AMthere is a turkish saying that goes: live it full and fast, die young so that your "dead" body will be handsome.
Boss Lady, reading over my shoulder, "Well, you tried."
Quote from: the_antithesis on August 18, 2024, 10:40:00 PMYou've seen two normals.
That a pair of normals.
That joke didn't have a ghost of a chance of being funny.
Quote from: Gawdzilla Sama on August 19, 2024, 09:24:50 AMBoss Lady, reading over my shoulder, "Well, you tried."
Hey, Gawd.
As I grow older and have relatively more wisdom, I'm increasingly more aware of the worth living the life more fully.
Only a moronic attitude towards life can celebrate the virtues of death before one's time.
Quote from: SoldierofFortune on August 22, 2024, 04:32:52 PMHey, Gawd.
As I grow older and have relatively more wisdom, I'm increasingly more aware of the worth living the life more fully.
Only a moronic attitude towards life can celebrate the virtues of death before one's time.
I'm 73 (as maybe been mentioned before) and am quite pleased with my current situation. My fourth wife* is a good match for me, our weirds interlock nicely.
*1 and 3 died. 2 made me very happy by buggering off. Would that it was sooner.
I'm 36 and regret my past. I'm often thinking that my life might have been better and I find solace that it might have really got worse.
You are 73 and you are a winner bro if u r pleased with your current situation.
I read something about middle age being the peak self-reprorted life dissatisfaction. At younger and older ages, people usually say that things are going better for them.
My life has never been better, and I'm 68! I'm really loving the way my life is, but I really enjoyed my previous life too, even though many people would say I had a very hard life, due to my upbringing and my subsequent screw-ups.
Quote from: SoldierofFortune on August 23, 2024, 10:20:08 AMI'm 36 and regret my past. I'm often thinking that my life might have been better and I find solace that it might have really got worse.
You are 73 and you are a winner bro if u r pleased with your current situation.
If I ignore the woulda-coulda-shoulda then I'm very happy now. Wife #4 is low maintenance/low stress. My maternal grandfather lived into his eighties. I keep threatening to do that. Wife threatens to start cooking for me. (She isn't allowed in the kitchen.)
I've slept in 72 countries, thank you tax payers! Drove all the around Africa, spent the night on top of Kilimanjaro just so we could watch the sun come up on the equinox. Hit Timbuktu on the way to Spain. (You can NOT go past Timbuktu if it's in range!)
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel and a hairstylist's poodle?
A cocker poodle doo.
On a train, the wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid.
I got a new job in a guillotine factory. I'll beheading there tomorrow.
Probably should start a thread for Tom Swifty jokes, but I'll put one here.
"I'm coming", Tom ejaculated.
"I fixed my motorcycle," Tom said Harley-Davidsonly.
"I'd better repeat that SOS message," said Tom remorsefully.
SOS is the only thing I remember from my Morse code training 50 years ago.
Dit dit dit
Dah dah dah
Dit dit dit
🫡
Well.
dit dit dit
dit dit dit dit
dit dit
dah!
Been seeing a lot of youtube shorts making fun of languages, having similar or the same words for different things, to make ridiculous sentences.
Like in french, green glas, verres vert.
But how could one in english say that he once witnessed a clergyman trying to offer spaghetti to another someone, behind his colleague's back.
In the past, the pastor passed the pasta past the pastor.
"I don't give a flip" said Wilson.
Most dragons sleep during the day so they can fight at knights.
Halflings are full-lings to each other.
Wizards are a-mage-ing but paladins really shine.
Warlocks are hopeless alcoholics. Never get between them and their patrón.
The two worst animals that exist are humans and mosquitos. One is a blood-sucking parasite, which doesn't contribute anything positive to the world, and the other is the mosquito.
Quote from: Blackleaf on October 17, 2024, 07:39:01 PMThe two worst animals that exist are humans and mosquitos. One is a blood-sucking parasite, which doesn't contribute anything positive to the world, and the other is the mosquito.
(https://crochead.com.au/img/cms/Pages%20Images/Worlds%20Deadliest%20Animal.jpeg)
Yet we have shark week.
Quote from: Hydra009 on October 17, 2024, 10:02:24 PM(https://crochead.com.au/img/cms/Pages%20Images/Worlds%20Deadliest%20Animal.jpeg)
Yet we have shark week.
This chart would look very different if it were "species killed by animals per year." Humans are their own major extinction event. We can't help ourselves.
"Hey, animals. You don't need this habitat, do you? We'll just level that out, strip it of all its resources, maybe turn it into a concrete hellscape to torture ourselves with."
"Global warming? Pfft! We got snow last Winter, and that almost never happens! ...Wait, there's ANOTHER hurricane coming? Why are there so many of these now?"
"Micro-plastics in our oceans? Bah! What's the worst that can happen? ...It's in our what? ...Scientists couldn't find a single person to use as a control group to study the effects of the plastics in our bodies? Jesus fucking Christ... I'm just gonna ignore that and hope it goes away."
The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe.
A car's weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.
Quote from: Unbeliever on October 18, 2024, 08:55:37 PMA car's weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.
And when it's torqued up, all kinds of mayhem ensue in traffic.
Quote from: Unbeliever on October 18, 2024, 08:55:37 PMA car's weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.
Well, that certainly wrenched my mind.
(https://i.imgur.com/20fNuJvl.jpeg)
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you hear them speak.
Sarcasm: the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
Some people are like a Slinky: they're useless, but you still get a good feeling when you push them down the stairs.
One job I worked at, one gal had a sign on the wall of her office:
"Everyone brings joy to this office- some when they enter, some when they leave."
I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager said: "Do you mind waiting a bit?"
I said "No."
"Good" he said. "Take these drinks to table 7."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I asked in a local restaurant how they prepare their chickens.
Chap said, "We just tell them straight that they're going to die".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Went to a restaurant last night with my wife.
Chap said, "Do you have reservations?".
I said, "Yes, but we will order some the food anyways".
As I was going up a stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today!
I wish, I wish he'd go away!
Before I kill everyone he loves.
And his mother-in-law.
I am a grown adult and capable of adult seriousness.
Also, I met a british person and asked exactly where they were from. They said Middlesex and I failed to suppress a snicker.
I hate when people don't know the difference between your and you're.
There so stupid.
I don't watch football, so I don't know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.
Never fight a dinosaur, you will get Jurrasskicked.
Biology: the only science where multiplication means the same thing as division.
One day the husband arrived home from work and said, "Today I saved $1.50. I ran behind the bus rather than riding it."
The wife responded, "IDIOT! Had you run behind a cab, you could have saved $15.00!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went on a date with a guy I met at the zoo!
I think he's a keeper...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was walking down the street and a woman just looked at me and shouted 'bargain'.
I just thought 'wow, that means a great deal'.
Quote from: Cassia on October 25, 2024, 02:50:33 PMI hate when people don't know the difference between your and you're.
There so stupid.
That was true even in days of your.
*brings a head of lettuce to a witches' coven*
witch: "Why did you bring that??"
Me: "You'll see"
Head witch: "Now, let us begin the ceremony"
*I laugh heartily*
Is buttcheeks one word or do you gotta spread them apart?
Would it be pretty nuts if you sprinkled glitter in your underwear?
I'm guessing that question is rhetorical? 🤣
If bright shiney things start fallin' off your scrotum you might want to consult a professional. Helga the Whip Lady for instance.
My roommate asked me to bring them some white and blue towels. I came back empty-handed and said there are only white towels and blue towels, not white and blue towels. :P
I told my dad I have an imaginary girlfriend.
He said "Come on, you can do better than that"
I said "Thanks Dad"
He said "I wasn't talking to you"
Quote from: Hydra009 on December 02, 2024, 10:29:37 PMMy roommate asked me to bring them some white and blue towels. I came back empty-handed and said there are only white towels and blue towels, not white and blue towels. :P
You could have had a career in government.
Quote from: Gawdzilla Sama on December 03, 2024, 04:37:41 PMYou could have had a career in government.
In my management games, I run pretty good logistics and efficient resource management. But the slightest hiccup from a bad trading partner throws it all into chaos.
When the airline destroyed my luggage, I contacted my lawyer
After I showed him the pictures, he said: "I'm afraid you don't have much of a case."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today I got asked if I was one of those people that sing in the car.
I said yes but only when I'm going in reverse.
They said that's weird why?
I said I'm just a backup singer
Yesterday was my first day working for Sunrise. (dream job, I love mechs/mecha)
I think I did alright, though I was working so hard I dozed off and rested my head for a second or two on the keyboard. The comp was in standby mode, though, I think. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mobile_Suit_Gundam_GQuuuuuuX
"How you doin'?"
"Depends on who you ask."
"I'm askin' you!"
"Sorry, I thought you'd want the truth."
Microbiologists are a lot bigger than you'd think.
A recent study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I guess it's true, since I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Quote from: Hydra009 on December 11, 2024, 09:52:58 PMMicrobiologists are a lot bigger than you'd think.
And size matters.
> flies to Paris
> my french proficiency is terrible, so I recite some vowels to warm up
> they ask me why I'm saying goodbye when I just got there
I told my psychiatrist that I'd been hearing voices. He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.
Noah every time it rains after the flood: "Just a little rain. It's not the end of the world"
Quote from: Hydra009 on December 13, 2024, 07:41:44 PMNoah every time it rains after the flood: "Just a little rain. It's not the end of the world"
I'm stealing that.
I came across a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems.
So I bought 2 of them.
So, that's 25%?
Or does my math suck that bad?
Actually, would be 75% solved
Buy the first book, solve half. Second book wil fix half of the remaining half.
Right?
Aw, man.
You gotta buy an infinite number of books.
And even then you only approach zero.
You never get there.
Yeah, the guy who wrote the book is probably named Zeno.
Zen and the art of copying my girlfriend's homework, it shows.
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on December 15, 2024, 06:39:40 PMActually, would be 75% solved
Buy the first book, solve half. Second book wil fix half of the remaining half.
Right?
It's possible that the other half of the questions will be answered in the second text. Not all probability is multiplicative, some is additive.
A man walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender said, "Does the animal talk?"
"I have no idea," replied the parrot.
Pirate walks into a bar with a tiller hanging by a chain from his shorts.
Bartender says, "That's got to be uncomfortable!"
Pirate says, "Aye, it drives me nuts!"
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 15, 2024, 09:56:42 PMA man walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender said, "Does the animal talk?"
"I have no idea," replied the parrot.
~~~~The classic~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "so why the long face".
~~~~And some others~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a MIJ, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
~~~This is deep~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?" The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence.
A marine walks into a BAR, knocking it over. He says, "Hey! You're not my M60!"
How do you break a Marine's finger?
You punch him in the nose.
If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90° there.
Quote from: Unbeliever on December 16, 2024, 02:03:52 PMIf your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90° there.
You obviously haven't been in a lot of houses built during the US Baby Boom after WWII. I lived in one that had ZERO drywall. The paneling was nailed directly to the wall studs.
I remember an interview with Chuck Norris about the jokes, he loved them. The interview asked if he was fast enough to run around the earth and punch himself in the back of the head?
"No. I'd hear myself coming."
Guns sleep with Chuck Norris under their pillow
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.
Chuck Norris gets 4-wheel drive out of his bicycle
Chuck Norris makes hay while the sun sets.
"Physics is like sex: sure, it gives some practical results, but that's not why we do it."
Richard Feynman
🤣
"How many 3 wise men were there?"
Philomena Cunk
🤣
*at a supermarket*
"Do you guys have any... you know...buttery stuff?"
"Can you clarify?"
"Sure."
"Ghee, thanks."
My dad used to say that if you're gonna be stupid, you gotta be tough.
Joke's on him, I'm both!
(https://www.jesusandmo.net/wp-content/uploads/cheers.png)
I don't get why they say certain snakes can kill dozens of humans with a single bite. Barring extremely abnormal circumstances, a single bite will only ever bite one person. So the maximum number of humans a snake can kill with one bite is one.
Um, venom reservoirs?
I've never heard of such a large amount of venom being available.
Quote from: Hydra009 on January 16, 2025, 06:35:09 PMI don't get why they say certain snakes can kill dozens of humans with a single bite. Barring extremely abnormal circumstances, a single bite will only ever bite one person. So the maximum number of humans a snake can kill with one bite is one.
Oh my nerd. People don't think/remember after "can kill ... with a single bite".
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people seem bright before they open their mouth.
This justin:
All people with first names beginning with j will be rounded up and put on a penal colony on an island just off the mainland
Quote from: Hydra009 on February 03, 2025, 06:57:16 PMThis justin:
All people with first names beginning with j will be rounded up and put on a penal colony on an island just off the mainland
Please don't just off in public.
Will it be Epstein's island, or Gilligan's island?
What do atoms and Trump have in common?
Atoms make up everything, and so does Trump.
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 04, 2025, 02:12:47 PMWhat do atoms and Trump have in common?
Atoms make up everything, and so does Trump.
The brain on an atom is very, very small.
What 2 things can you not have for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 06, 2025, 01:24:58 PMWhat 2 things can you not have for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.
Never stood watch-and-watch on a warship, have you.
In "The Blue Knight" a policeman winds up having breakfast for every meal because he's on 3rd shift and his biological clock is FUBAR.
No, never got on a ship. I was a radioman, but I was able to stay stateside.
Netanyahu has a particularly dark joke of his own: he gifted a golden pager to Trump (https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2025/02/06/middleeast/netanyahu-trump-golden-pager-intl)
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 06, 2025, 04:08:30 PMNo, never got on a ship. I was a radioman, but I was able to stay stateside.
You missed the thrill of crossing the Pacific at 14.9601 mph.
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 06, 2025, 04:08:30 PMNo, never got on a ship. I was a radioman, but I was able to stay stateside.
We had two radiomen in our PBR flot. One at each end of the five boat squad.
I recall that radiomen worked in the safest place on the ship, due to their high importance to any missions.
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 06, 2025, 06:53:50 PMI recall that radiomen worked in the safest place on the ship, due to their high importance to any missions.
And if you don't believe that just ask them.
I was helo'd onto my next boat (Reeves) in the IO. Me (a pit snipe), and six twidgets. Sounded about right.
Have you ever been across the equator? I was told that can be a very memorable experience.
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 07, 2025, 09:42:52 AMHave you ever been across the equator? I was told that can be a very memorable experience.
Yeah, first line crossing was between the Galápagos Islands and Ecuador. The wogginess was driven from me for fair.
A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walks into a bar. The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
My uncle got bitten by a beaver. Serves him right for having a wooden leg.
"Vegetarian" is an old Indian word, meaning "I don't hunt so good."
Quote from: Unbeliever on February 09, 2025, 06:57:56 PM"Vegetarian" is an old Indian word, meaning "I don't hunt so good."
Gary Larsen.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E0EwcwCXMAQqIug.jpg)
One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came and killed the two dead boys.
Do you have any of that left? [puppyeyes]
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Yesterday I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. Looking at it, you can't tell.
I was talking to a squirrel in the park the other day, and he looked at me like I was nuts! 🐿
Two pizza's are sitting in an oven.
Says the first pizza: "Oh boy, it sure is getting hot in here."
To which the other replies: "Oh my god! A talking pizza?!"
Quote from: Unbeliever on March 10, 2025, 07:40:46 PMI was talking to a squirrel in the park the other day, and he looked at me like I was nuts! 🐿
You should keep your eyes above the waist.
Waist not, want not.
How are anti-vaxxers' kids like this joke?
They never get old.
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on March 11, 2025, 04:02:30 PMHow are anti-vaxxers' kids like this joke?
They never get old.
Unfortunately, stupid seems to be a robust defense against a lot of things. Like reality, logic, kindness.
I just realized that the great thing about having no teeth is that I'll never get long in the tooth.
My first day as a Power Ranger:
> Wearing my blue overalls with blue t-shirt and blue plaid flannel. My glasses? Also blue. Just laying low, being as inconspicuous as possible.
> Putties attack! They...I don't know, attack a couple kids at a playground. The putties don't hurt them exactly, but corner them in one of those geo dome climber things. If they don't leave soon, those kids will get bored and maybe a little parched. I gotta do something fast!
> Take my trusty contrabass clarinet out of my back pocket
> Play the first 10 seconds of Soundgarden's Rusty Cage
> Somewhere where there's simultaneously an active volcano, a crescent-shaped atoll, and a blue-purple aurora borealis, a hidden cavern opens and a life-sized Kentrosaurus vehicle runs a couple meters from its storage bay to the beginnings of a hidden rail line somehow built under the sea bed that accelerates it to me within 20 seconds.
> I jump in and start blasting the bad guys with gauss autocannons, railguns, and tungsten flak. With Bulk and Skul neutralized, I then turn my attention on the putties. I look at my console and slam my fist on the big red button. I wonder what it does. I can't understand the label because it's written in french...(I want to say foie gras? No wait, it's fougasse). The Kentrosaurus's eyes glow and smoke fumes out from the dinosaur's spikes for about a minute and then the spikes glow for about 10 seconds as power builds until the spikes finally discharge a sort of lightning that ignites the gas, transforming it into a hellish firestorm.
> FF7 victory fanfare plays
> The other power rangers look at me funny. Something about needing to wait till the enemy gets giant-sized.
> "Why wait? I don't get it."
> Apparently, no one knows why
> I shrug. "That sounds like a you problem."
> I treat everyone to icecream after half the city is razed to the ground
"You can fool some of the people some of the time, but it's hard to sleep with a lobster who takes all the covers."
Chuck Barris
"50% of something is better than 100% of nothing."
Chuck Barris
"Lyons and Tygers and Barris', oh my!"
*at Jurassic Park*
*near a herd of dinos, and to be honest, I'm a little bit scared*
Tour guide: "Nothing to be afraid of, they're herbivores!"
Me visualizing modern herbivores: *elephant crumples a car like it's made of cardboard, rhino yeets a lion, two male moose fight for dominance in a parking lot and do unbelievable damage to the cars, a bull runs into a crowd of people, a horse bites a lady's ponytail and flings her, even pandas can go absolutely ape when threatened, and hippos are pretty much the most savage herbivore on the planet right now*
And humans are animals of the worst sort.
My doctor tried to rob a bank. He would have gotten away with it, but no one could read his hold-up note.
I heard that one on the Gong Show! 🤣
Listening to a court case and it's wild how influential lawyers are when they use an incredulous tone of voice.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've just heard the prosecution's case that the greeks - our friends - built us this lovely wooden horse and gave it to us in a goodwill gesture yet they're *allegedly* evildoers who wish us harm and secretly embarked hundreds of their soldiers in this lovely construction. It's pure conjecture that rests entirely on fearmongering!
For starters, people require food and water and exercise. I can't even sit in my office for an hour before needing to stretch my legs and the prosecution says they've been in there for hours. And don't even get me started on the noise. The cafeteria, also in my office, is filled with the din of people when there are only a couple dozen or so people in it and this wooden horse allegedly has hundreds of people inside. Hear anything? Exactly.
It just doesn't make sense. The prosecution has no case."
Crossexamination:
Defense: "I remind you that you're under oath, do you seriously believe that the greeks mean us harm and through deception, snuck their soldiers into our fair city?"
Witness: "I do"
*outrage spreads through the court*
*Judge bangs gavel* "Order in the court!"
*prosecution snaps a photo of part of a hand poking through the wood*
Defense: "Objection! Inadmissible evidence."
Judge: "Sustained. Jury is instructed to forget the hand photograph"
After 2 minutes of deliberation, jury finds that there are no soldiers in the wooden horse. Court ends and those who side with the prosecution are told to "sleep off their suspicion"
I am God. I know that I am God because when I pray, I'm talking to myself.
I was watching Jane Fonda on Johnny Carson, and she said her son had seen Zsa Zsa Gabor on his show, with a cat on her lap. She asked Johnny if he'd like to pet her pussy, and he said, "sure, if you'd get rid of that damned cat."
*goes back in time a few centuries*
*accidentally trips over a chair*
*comes back to the future, watches a Marvel movie*
*undead monsters batter the hero's large rectangular shield, Pluto appears triumphant*
Hero: "He's too strong, even with my Foris Ultima, I can't...
Jupiter: "Are you Janus, the God of Shields, hmm? You are made of the stuff of time. Beginnings and endings. Time to end this."
*Led Zepplin's Rock and Roll plays*
"You can't eat your cake and have me too."
Betty Cracker
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 01, 2025, 11:29:03 PM"You can't eat your cake and have me too."
Betty Cracker
All the Betty Crackers I know would be fine with that.
(Cracker is a codename for hillbilly in these parts, ya'll.)
Lately, everything's been coming up roses for me. Trouble is, I only planted tomatoes.
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 02, 2025, 10:15:59 PMLately, everything's been coming up roses for me. Trouble is, I only planted tomatoes.
Stop buying your starters at Chernobyl.
Scientists have finally determined where the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs came from: space.
Musical Pitch Meeting:
Label Guy: Thanks for coming, Blur, what do you have for us today?
Blur: Song #2 *snickering*
Label: Working title?
Blur: No.
Label: So, what's the song about? What are the lyrics?
Blur: Don't know and don't know.
Label: Are you guys pranking me?
Blur: Kinda, but it's going to sound really good. Like pure, concentrated adrenaline. Think that'll sell?
Label: To be honest, it just sounds way too extreme to ever really catch on. Fingers crossed, though.
Label: Thanks for coming, Lenny Kravitz, what do you have for us today?
Lenny: Fly Away. It's all about escape and freedom. I thought I'd start out with rhyming couplets about flying away. Fly-sky-high-dragonfly.
Label: Uhh, you already said fly.
Lenny: Yeah, I did. Then I say seas-degrees-please.
Label: Wow, what an amazing 30 seconds! I can't wait to hear the other wacky rhymes you come up with for this track.
Lenny: That was almost all of them. I mostly just say 'I want to get away' for the rest of track. Over and over and over again.
Label: Well, that's going to get old quick and probably not sell well.
Lenny: It'll make a fortune.
Label: I love it! I'm gonna buy a new Hyundai! Oh yeah!
Label: Thanks for coming, Daft Punk, what do you have for us today?
Daft Punk: Around the world.
Label: Nice, what else?
Daft Punk: Around the world.
Label: Uhhh...is there an echo in here?
Daft Punk: Nah, we're just trying out an experimental new thing where we sample someone else's music on a repetitive loop and see if we can vary it up enough to you know...avoid clinical brain death.
Label: So, how many times do you...I mean they, say 'around the world'?
Daft Punk: 144 times in 4 minutes.
Label: That's about once every two seconds?! This is going to be a huge flop. Oh man, I'm gonna lose my-
Daft Punk: Not only is it going to be a hit, it's going to be a part of an animated music video for the entire album and it's going to be a cultural touchstone.
Label: Kids these days...ok, you sold me. Let's shoot for the stars! No, make that interstellar space!
The one I had next to no context for was the Daft Punk one. I do not think I have ever listened to them and after check out the, pointedly not animated, video I cannot comprehend the mind that would recall this music after listening to it. It would be like looking up an episode of Friends or the Far Side where all of them are "the one with ___." I couldn't pick this song out of a line up if it murdered my children.
Label Guy: Thanks for coming, Billy Joel, what do you have for us today?
Billy Joel: Piano Man
Label: *confused* But you're the piano man.
Billy Joel: Exactly.
Label: Oooh, meta. I get it. What's the song about?
Billy Joel: Real people I used to play for at a lounge bar in Los Angeles.
Label: Fun concept and neat trivia. I gotta say, looks like we have a hit here. Read me some of the lyrics.
Billy Joel: Davy, who's still in the navy
Label: Wow, very convenient of him to choose a rhyming profession.
Billy Joel: Paul is a real estate novelist.
Label: That's...unusual.
Billy Joel: And the waitress is practicing politics
Label: Are you sure this is real?
Billy Joel: Yes, 100%
Label: Well, okay then. As long as it has a great refrain, it's fine.
Billy Joel: The refrain is "Oh, la, la-la, di-dee-da La-la, di-dee-da da-dum"
Label: That's not set in stone, right? You'll change it to something...um...good later on, right?
Billy Joel: Sure, 100%
Sounds like something from Ryan George! 🤣
I've got a Marijuana plant that grows so fast, I named it Seedbisquit!
Disney execs: So, do you truly like Andor?
Focus group: Yeah!
Disney execs: Would you like to live it?
Focus group: ...
Disney execs: Too late!
What?
Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own lingerie company for women?
Unfortunately, Shatner Panties turned out to be a terrible choice for a brand name.
Do skydivers wear jumpsuits?
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 15, 2025, 11:33:12 PMDid you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own lingerie company for women?
Unfortunately, Shatner Panties turned out to be a terrible choice for a brand name.
Only if he modeled them.
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 16, 2025, 12:07:50 AMDo skydivers wear jumpsuits?
Trigger!
I got yelled at for skydiving last week.
I forgot to leave my fall monitor on the ground. Bricks were being shit.
I'm not a skydiver, I'm only a muffdiver.
Do balloons hate pop music?
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 16, 2025, 01:56:47 PMDo balloons hate pop music?
No, they get a bang out of it.
Quote from: Unbeliever on April 16, 2025, 10:58:04 AMI'm not a skydiver, I'm only a muffdiver.
Know a Shiatzu name Muffy.
I guess the only thing covid was good for was ventriloquists.
A student in Texas, nicknamed "White Lightning," set a high school record by running the 100 meter dash in 9.98 seconds.
Coincidentally, people used to call me White Lightning, because I always finished in under 10 seconds.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Phillipe Philoppe.
What is the simplest way to make a million dollars?
Buy a Republican for what they're worth, and sell them for what they think they're worth.
Anyone who says "It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness" underestimates my ability to multitask.
*invents a glowing middle-finger*
What do you call a canine magician?
A labracadabrador.
What do you call a dead Dutch post-impressionist painter?
Vincent van Ghost. 👻
What do you call a dead Dutch post-impressionist painter in your garden?
Vincent van Gopher.
What do you call a dead Dutch post-impressionist painter rolling down a hill?
Vincent van Go-cart.
(https://howtodrawforkids.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/How-to-draw-an-ear-featured-image.jpg)
What?
Can you hear me now? 🤣
Hats off to you!
Pants off to you! Wait, that sounded weird. Never mind. Just the hats.
A traveling salesman was driving down the road, when he saw a restaurant with a sign that said, "If anyone can eat a raw oyster and keep it down, they'll win $500.00!"
So the guy figures that, since he really likes raw oysters, he can win the money easily.
He goes into the restaurant and tells the waiter to bring on the raw oyster, he's there to win the prize money.
So the waiter brings the oyster, and the guy swallowed it down with no problem at all.
The waiter looked at him with surprise, and said, "That's really amazing! Two other fellas swallowed that very same oyster, and they couldn't keep it down!"
A survey has found that 2 out of every 3 people wish the third one would go away.
What do you call a female prospector?
A gold digger.
Quote from: Unbeliever on May 14, 2025, 12:27:44 AMA survey has found that 2 out of every 3 people wish the third one would go away.
The infamous "fifth wheel" who won't leave so you and the lady can get shiggy. Killing them is seldom an option, especially if they owe you money.
A man stopped at a fancy restaurant by himself for dinner and was very demanding of his waitress and left 3 pennies on the table for her tip. She chased him down as he was leaving.
"Sir, sir, wait...did you know I can tell a lot about you from your tip?"
He was intrigued, "Do tell," he said.
The waitress tells him, from this first penny, I can tell you are a frugal man." He looked excited, "Yes, yes, I am very careful with my money, please tell me more."
The waitress points at the second penny and says, "This penny tells me you are not married."
The man is smiling ear to ear. "I have never been married, I can't believe you can know this, please, tell me more."
The waitress points at the third penny and says, "From this third penny, I can tell that your father never married, either," and she walked away.
What do you call an Australian marsupial in the bathroom?
A 'roo in the loo with the poo.
Quote from: Cassia on April 16, 2023, 09:22:47 AMI bet this book is a frikken riot.
Stuff just like this, no doubt:
How long did Cain dislike his brother?
Answer: As long as he was Abel.
I just can't think of anything less funny than an evangelical Christian trying to be funny. It always appears to me that they think they deserve extra points just for trying.
(https://i5.walmartimages.com/asr/1fd1c394-f543-4f10-86b6-9c17f971a666_1.96753c35b83cf67d7c110a883a615777.jpeg?odnHeight=612&odnWidth=612&odnBg=FFFFFF)
I, too, got a Christian joke book, and I laughed and laughed!
It's called The Holy Bible! 🤣
Easter joke: The first penis in Mary's vagina was her son's.
One good thing about getting old is that I no longer have to worry about dying young.
Quote from: Unbeliever on May 20, 2025, 11:38:11 PMOne good thing about getting old is that I no longer have to worry about dying young.
Or leaving a beautiful corpse.
I just heard Colbert, from last night's Meanwhile, where he said that Tom Cruise was planning to make movies into his 90s.
Then he said that he was looking forward to seeing Mission Incontinent! 🤣
Tom hanging from the ceiling and pissing on the floor. Maintenance called to 3rd floor restrooms.
My doctor told me that I needed a PET scan, so I took my dog to the vet.
Too much Dr. Insomniac's coffee?
Nah, too much Dr. Demento's coffee! 🤪
Have you tried Dr. Insomniac's coffee?
Never heard of it.
Quote from: Unbeliever on May 23, 2025, 05:14:00 PMNever heard of it.
800 Grant Ave., Novato, CA 94945 +1415-246-7347
Wow, that's not at all far from where I live!
My local toy store, Five Little Monkeys, is at 852 Grant Avenue.
But I haven't been far enough down Grant to have seen it.
Here's a limerick I came across:
The wonderful Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business because,
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the wizard he was.
Quote from: Unbeliever on May 23, 2025, 06:46:50 PMWow, that's not at all far from where I live!
My local toy store, Five Little Monkeys, is at 852 Grant Avenue.
But I haven't been far enough down Grant to have seen it.
I was in that area recently and was ordered to try the coffee. Circumstances intervened (I was about to become a greatuncle) so I didn't get to taste test it.
I'll go try it for you tomorrow, let you know if it's worth the walk all the way there.
Quote from: Unbeliever on May 23, 2025, 07:56:30 PMI'll go try it for you tomorrow, let you know if it's worth the walk all the way there.
I'm not going to walk from St. Louis so I'll take your word on that. Could be worse, I could trying to lure you into Castro St.
Been there, wasn't impressed.
Thanks for the scouting.
Quote from: Unbeliever on May 23, 2025, 06:46:50 PMWow, that's not at all far from where I live!
My local toy store, Five Little Monkeys, is at 852 Grant Avenue.
But I haven't been far enough down Grant to have seen it.
Well, I'm here right now, having a cup of good coffee ☕️ and a burger 🍔. Not bad at all!
Quote from: Unbeliever on May 24, 2025, 06:06:05 PMWell, I'm here right now, having a cup of good coffee ☕️ and a burger 🍔. Not bad at all!
I think Jack Reacher would have approved, and he's a coffee connoisseur.
If you see a 70s dude with a long white goatee at another table it's not me.
I'll keep that in mind.
guy 1: So what's it like living in North Korea?
guy 2: Oh, Y'know, I can't complain.
Hope everyone is OK. This year has been a bitch for me, medically, but nothing completely permanent yet, LOL. Gotta keep a sense of humor.
"You'll wonder where you Pappa-san went when he criticizes the government."
Quote from: Cassia on May 29, 2025, 09:06:19 PMguy 1: So what's it like living in North Korea?
guy 2: Oh, Y'know, I can't complain.
As someone who loves to complain, I hate that line. You absolutely can complain and I'm 100% here for it. Swear. Stomp your feet. Scream into a pillow. Slam a steel wrench through an I-beam. Whatever it takes.
Local sports team not doing well? Yeah, they really suck this season. Local sports team doing well? Glad to hear it because they really sucked last season.
Weather's nice? No it isn't. Not rainy? I wish it'd rain. We need the rain. Rainy? Uggh, so rainy! Ruins all my plans.
Winter? Too cold. Spring? Allergies. Summer? Literally an ELE event (and yes, I know I just said event twice) Autumn? Flawless in every way, but damn those people buying pumpkin spice, which by the way, doesn't have any pumpkin in it!
Quiet town? Boring! Busy town? Loud and noisy!
Having a job sucks. Not having a job sucks.
Every single thing sucks and I've never enjoyed a single moment of this wretched prime material flaming bag of crap. Because life is a box of dog poop shaped vaguely like chocolates. And most of all what really sucks is everything and all of us.
Quote from: Hydra009 on May 29, 2025, 09:26:48 PMAs someone who loves to complain, I hate that line. You absolutely can complain and I'm 100% here for it. Swear. Stomp your feet. Scream into a pillow. Slam a steel wrench through an I-beam. Whatever it takes.
Norks disappear when they complain. You CAN complain there. Once.
"Did you know that when Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear he also went blind?
It's because every time he put on his hat it would slip down over his eyes."
Red Skelton
Gertrude and Heathcliff!
I think my favorite was Klem Kaddiddlehopper! 🤣
99% of Middle Easterners don't like The Flintstones
But people in Abu Dahbi do.
A woman is sitting at home, on the patio with her husband, drinking a glass of wine and she says, "I love you."
He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."
Quote from: Nobody on June 07, 2025, 09:51:49 AMI think my favorite was Klem Kaddiddlehopper! 🤣
Cauliflower McPug.
Oh, and https://www.google.com/search?num=10&newwindow=1&sca_esv=54738c28ead23b52&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS757US757&sxsrf=AE3TifMTPJPauTCTYrWSbudAhiUe7t_vuA:1749313137686&q=Kadiddlehopper&spell=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwik2bCh29-NAxXa5skDHS8GCsIQkeECKAB6BAgLEAE
I'd completely forgotten about Freddy the Freeloader!
Heathcliff and Gertrude. "Those small foreign cars hare hard to 'spot'."
"I wouldn't call myself a fan of steampunk. But I will say, it's the healthiest way to prepare punk."
Bobby Lee, via Norm McDonald
To the guy who invented 'zero'...
Thanks for nothing.
Quote from: Cassia on June 10, 2025, 07:39:14 AMTo the guy who invented 'zero'...
Thanks for nothing.
T'was naught but the least I could do for you, laddie.
(https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/02-eternal-bliss.jpg?fit=700,700)
(https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/US181050A.jpg?fit=700,700)
Quote from: Cassia on June 10, 2025, 07:39:14 AMTo the guy who invented 'zero'...
Thanks for nothing.
De nada.
*me traveling back in time to the late Roman era*
"Acktually, it's SEE-SZUR..."
When you take a shit, where should you take it?
The dump.
One of Trump's staffers saw the Turd Man of Alcatraz staring at a can of frozen orange juice. When the staffer asked him why he was doing that, Trump said, "It says Concentrate."
Trying to show a great-grandbrat how to make coffee in a Keurig. He started giggling.
"What?"
"K-cup?"
"Go on..." (Yeah, I say stupid shit like that all the time.)
"I'd be happy with an 'F'."
Hillbilly humor, I'm sure it doesn't translate well.
Have you taught the kid how to make John Wayne coffee?
Somewhere in the ocean, a ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying brown paint collided.
Everybody was marooned.
I've been diagnosed with aibohpphobia, an irrational fear of palindromes! 😱
Does Michael know you are Palin-ing?
Why does Trump like to screw immigrants?
Because the one he is married to won't screw him.
Boy, my step-mother is a terrible cook. She gave us alphabet soup, and my brother spelled out "help". What a bad cook. I mean, how can toast have bones?
-RD
Grind your bones to make my bread... blender must've missed that one.
Are bones gluten-free?
Nope. You have to pay for it.
>plays a wargame with my brother because I thought it would be cool
>it simulates global military conflicts
>we decide to generate blocs purely randomly for a laugh
>my team: France, Italy, Iraq, India, South Vietnam
>his team: USA, Germany, Canada, China, South Korea
>I surrender.
*My face is mere inches away from a beautiful woman's face*
Me: "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to say"
Her: "Say it."
Me: "Sheshu-on...no, shish-you-on, saskatchewan, I think..."
Her: "Set-cuan"
Me: "Yeah. With chicken please. Oh, and one hot oil."
Her: "Coming right up!"
Me teaching someone english...I mean I teaching...you know what, I'm 90% sure that I was right the first time. Anyways,
"English is super simple. I'll teach you some easy words, alright? Face = fey-s. Façade = fah-saad. Colon = kow-lon. Colonel = ker-nel. Biome = by-ohm. Epitome = Eh-pit-oh-me. Jaguar = Jag-wire"
*the other guy lights himself on fire and throws himself out the window*
I call down to him: "The nouns are genderless!"
*the other guy puts himself out, re-enters, and sits down to continue the lesson*
Ah, yes, I've seen this before - self-defenestration after (or during) spontaneous human combustion while trying to learn English is a common practice among a certain demographic.
Quote from: Hydra009 on July 11, 2025, 08:40:02 PMMe teaching someone english...I mean I teaching...you know what, I'm 90% sure that I was right the first time. Anyways,
"English is super simple. I'll teach you some easy words, alright? Face = fey-s. Façade = fah-saad. Colon = kow-lon. Colonel = ker-nel. Biome = by-ohm. Epitome = Eh-pit-oh-me. Jaguar = Jag-wire"
*the other guy lights himself on fire and throws himself out the window*
I call down to him: "The nouns are genderless!"
*the other guy puts himself out, re-enters, and sits down to continue the lesson*
My Portuguese roommate would say stuff like "throw me down the stairs my shoes"
Quote from: Nobody on July 11, 2025, 10:19:00 PMAh, yes, I've seen this before - self-defenestration after (or during) spontaneous human combustion while trying to learn English is a common practice among a certain demographic.
Pollywannasyllable
Slept in 72 countries (Navy, 30 days paid leave each year, I took it) and mangled the local language in every one. Worse scenario was when I was trying to make local understand what I was saying and failing miserably. I mean, what the fuck, I just wanted to know how to get to Trafalgar Square.
If the Invisible Man closed his eyes, could he see through his eyelids?
Quote from: Nobody on July 25, 2025, 12:50:45 PMIf the Invisible Man closed his eyes, could he see through his eyelids?
If he puts a golf ball in his mouth, does it just disappear?
Quote from: Cassia on July 25, 2025, 02:20:21 PMIf he puts a golf ball in his mouth, does it just disappear?
Depends on which movie you are watching.
An old blind biker wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He taps his cane around, finds his way to a bar stool, and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
He gets to know the bartender and tells her all about his life. The many miles he put on his hog before he went blind, and how he went blind.. And all the places and things he had seen on the road.
After sitting there for a while, he raises his voice and says, "Hey, anyone here wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar falls dead silent.
Then, in a deep, raspy voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Biker, I think it's only fair – since you're blind – that you know five things:
The bartender is a blonde chick... with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde chick... with a Billy club.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde... and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde... and a professional wrestler."
"Now... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind biker pauses for a second, takes a sip of his whiskey, and says, "...Hell no. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five damn times."
Quote from: Cassia on July 25, 2025, 02:20:21 PMIf he puts a golf ball in his mouth, does it just disappear?
No, and the contents of his stomach, and intestines, are completely visible.
Thanks why he doesn't have any ... close ... friends.
If we have watermelon, shouldn't we also have firemelon, earthmelon, and and airmelon? The elemelons! 🤣
Quote from: Nobody on July 25, 2025, 04:18:16 PMIf we have watermelon, shouldn't we also have firemelon, earthmelon, and and airmelon? The elemelons! 🤣
(https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/61dJCZY+iNL._UF1000,1000_QL80_.jpg)
Those firemelons are probably spicy as hell! 🔥
I imagine the airmelon is very light and full of air pockets, and the meat of the fruit melts in your mouth like cotton candy.
The earthmelon tastes like nuts, but are also a little sweet and tart, like cherries. The seeds are edible and have a texture like peeled sunflower seeds.
The firemelon is very spicy. Be careful not to touch your eyes after handling it. It's sometimes mixed with other fruits to add a kick, similar to chamoy. On its own, the fruit is very unpleasant to eat, with the juice only making the burn worse. The seeds are safe to eat, in small amounts. But when ground up, they make a deadly poison that can give a person a slow and agonizing death.
Quote from: Nobody on July 25, 2025, 04:18:16 PMIf we have watermelon, shouldn't we also have firemelon, earthmelon, and and airmelon? The elemelons! 🤣
Copyright issues.
(https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/81Me3NqvNjL._UF1000,1000_QL80_.jpg)
I saw a movie like that, but it wasn't animated.
Quote from: Nobody on July 26, 2025, 09:08:56 PMI saw a movie like that, but it wasn't animated.
(https://gifs.cackhanded.net/screenrant-pitch-meetings/we-dont-talk-about-that-one.gif)
"What does a 300 pound canary say?
Here kitty kitty kitty!"
The Unknown Comic
I don't think I'll ever top the comedy genius of my brother when he was six.
He turns to me and says, "What do you call a...?" and just abruptly stops like his train of thought just hit a brick wall.
I say "A what??"
He just looks at me funny for a second, struggles to conceptualize...something, fails, then walks away.
To this day, I have no idea what he was referring to.
Do pinto horses eat pinto beans?
Quote from: Nobody on July 27, 2025, 09:43:11 AMDo pinto horses eat pinto beans?
Do they suck pinto balls?
Production: This is the worst product we've ever made. It's screwed up in ways I never thought possible. And what's more, we lost most of our inventory in a warehouse fire. No way we'll hit our sales targets.
Sales: Limited edition! Get your unique, one-of-a-kind product today. Supplies are running out fast!
"Everyone wants Trump to run - head first into oncoming traffic."
Dana Carvey
🤣
Noah probably didn't do any fishing on the Ark. Not with just 2 worms.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Quote from: Nobody on August 09, 2025, 11:03:43 PMKnowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Bigger wisdom is the understanding of how fruits always originate from the ovary of a flower.
"Last night a fortune cookie said I was gonna have a rotten day. This morning my horoscope said it was gonna be beautiful. So, who ya gonna believe, the Chinese baker or the New York Times?"
Chano Amengual, on Barney Miller
Quote from: Nobody on August 09, 2025, 11:03:43 PMKnowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Strength is pulping a tomato with merely your thumb and pinkie finger. Intelligence is pulping a tomato in a rube-golberg machine. Dexterity is drawing a perfectly circular tomato in freehand. Charisma is selling a tomato-based pizza to people by portraying it as the product of an ancient and authentic Italian recipe. Constitution is consuming five raw tomatoes in one sitting.
Cousin: I grew a tomato as big as my head.
Me: So, cherry tomato...
"If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader!"
Chuck Barris
Quote from: Nobody on August 12, 2025, 07:04:02 PM"If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader!"
Chuck Barris
There was a kid in 2nd grade named Adam Baum.
"If salad is so good for ya, how come ya can't barbecue it?"
Red Green
Quote from: Nobody on August 13, 2025, 06:44:37 PM"If salad is so good for ya, how come ya can't barbecue it?"
Red Green
I liked the episode when he worked on his boat.
"I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess."
🤣
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I'm looking for some tablets of acetylsalicylic acid."
The pharmacist says, "Acetylsal...oh, you mean aspirin?"
"Yes! Aspirin!" Says the chemist. "I can never remember that word!"
Ran into a lot of that at Purdue.
"Along with 'antimatter' and 'dark matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'doesn't matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."
Quote from: Nobody on August 14, 2025, 01:05:51 PM"Along with 'antimatter' and 'dark matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'doesn't matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."
dontcarium
I just heard some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that there's baseball in Heaven.
The bad news is that I'm pitching Thursday.
?
Quote from: Nobody on August 14, 2025, 01:05:51 PM"Along with 'antimatter' and 'dark matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'doesn't matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."
That's like the theory of mind over matter.
"If I don't mind, it can't matter."
"Auntie Matter", when her diaper runs over.
Hillbilly Medical Terminology
Bacteria - Back door of a cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel - A letter like A.E.I.O.U.
Cesarean section - District in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
D&C - Where Washington is
Diarrhea - Journal of daily events
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker
Fibula - A small lie
G.I. series - Soldiers' ball game
Grippe - Suitcase
Hangnail - Coathook
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Intense pain - Torture in a teepee
Labor pain - Got hurt at work
More Hillbilly Medical Terminology
Medical staff - Doctor's cane
Morbid - Higher offer
Nitrate - Cheaper than day rate
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - Person who had fainted
Pelvis - Cousin of Elvis
Post operative - Letter carrier
Protein - Favoring young people
Rectum - it almost killed him
Recovery room - Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - Amorous
Scar - Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion - Hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - Study of knighthood
Tablet - Small table
Terminal illness - Sickness at airport
Tibia - Country in North Africa
Tumor - An extra pair
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose - Located nearby
Vein - Conceited
NC slang gets to me sometimes, despite being a native. Arctic sounds like "r-tik" - the middle part is completely silent. Same deal with lots of words. Aluminum has 4 syllables in most of the US (ah-lu-min-um), but I swear, we have it down to 3 or maybe 2 in some places.
And similar sounding words slur together because of a lack of emphasis. So words like "daily" and "dairy" sound virtually the same. Or "far" and "fire".
When I was a kid, we said aluminum as "loom-num."
The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex,and I thought that was sweet of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I told them I wanna watch.
I want to be a door-to-door wikipedia salesman so I won't have to carry around all those great big books.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, would a bushel of apples a day make us immortal?
I love pickles so much that I have a bumper sticker that says
DILL BABY DILL!
Quote from: Nobody on August 19, 2025, 06:23:13 PMIf an apple a day keeps the doctor away, would a bushel of apples a day make us immortal?
Yes, if you had chicken soup once in a while as well. But alas, christians know they are immortal and even gain back their 19-year-old bodies and their favorite pets and all the mass murderers who found jeebus in prison.
Quote from: Nobody on August 19, 2025, 06:33:43 PMI love pickles so much that I have a bumper sticker that says
DILL BABY DILL!
Now that's a joke I can relish!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Quote from: Nobody on August 21, 2025, 12:15:13 PMGive a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Now in FL, boating under the influence (BUI) has the same effect as a DUI. My father loved getting sloshed and I was the designated captain. However, back then the boat cops didn't really enforce drinking. So many fond memories of fishing, cruising crystal clear, turquoise water down in The Keys. Salt air, dried squid stuck to the gunnels, crashing through waves, the gulls and pelicans, dock-side tiki-bars.
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the plow got out and asked her what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snowstorm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
Quote from: Nobody on August 19, 2025, 06:23:13 PMIf an apple a day keeps the doctor away, would a bushel of apples a day make us immortal?
Just one made Eve immoral.
You can never explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they take things, literally.
-I rear ended a car this morning. A bad start to the day. The driver got out of the car, and he was a dwarf! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy." I said, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's how the fight started.
Quote from: Cassia on August 23, 2025, 08:50:30 PM-I rear ended a car this morning. A bad start to the day. The driver got out of the car, and he was a dwarf! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy." I said, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's how the fight started.
That was a really Dopey thing to say.
A wagon full of gold wedding bands was being taken from the Shire to Mount Doom.
It was the load of the rings.
Quote from: Nobody on August 24, 2025, 11:26:49 AMA wagon full of gold wedding bands was being taken from the Shire to Mount Doom.
It was the load of the rings.
Maybe in 2000 years they will worship Gandalf as savior.
Two ducks were sitting in a pond. One of the ducks said: "Quack". The other duck said: "I was just going to say that!"
I thought the other duck was gonna say "you took the words right out of my mouth!" 🤣
I thought this was going to be commercial for some doctor.
An osteopath?
"Bones" from Star Trek?
Dr. Who?
Quote from: Gawdzilla Sama on August 25, 2025, 07:45:03 PM"Bones" from Star Trek?
Bones was the best when he'd finally come around and get all soft and emotional.
I always thought Bones was the comic relief.
Quote from: Nobody on August 25, 2025, 11:04:24 PMI always thought Bones was the comic relief.
Bones also sometimes seemed like the skeptic, a man of little faith. He was like "I can't save it Jim, this "thing" doesn't even have blood". Scotty was a pragmatic optimist...I don't know, Captain, I'll give it my best try" and then would always overdeliver.
I think Bones was just supposed to be a counterpoint to Spock's logical calm. He was often hot-headed while Spock delivered serenity.
Quote from: Nobody on August 26, 2025, 12:52:08 AMI think Bones was just supposed to be a counterpoint to Spock's logical calm. He was often hot-headed while Spock delivered serenity.
Plus, he always just looked annoyed, LOL. Which made it cool when he was happy every once in a while. Those characters had some depth.
I was just now working my way towards a good night's sleep, and while I was waiting to drop off I was thinking about British comedy series I've seen. I went through quite a few, and then remembered The Two Ronnies, which I haven't seen in many years. So I decided to go to YouTube and do a search for it, knowing that I'd likely forget it by morning. And, of course, it was right there like I knew it would be. Then I couldn't stop watching it, now here I am, sleepless in Novato! 🤣
A nun walked into a liquor store and asked for a half pint of whiskey. The clerk said, "Why Sister, you're a lady of the cloth. I didn't think they drank alcohol."
"It's not for me," the nun replied, "It's for Mother Superior. She has constipation."
So he sold her the half pint.
A couple of hours later, the nun returned and, slurring her words a little, she asked for another bottle of whiskey, to which the clerk replied, "Oh, Sister...I thought it was for Mother Superior's constipation."
"It is," replied the nun, "but Mother Superior is still constipated."
So the clerk sold her the bottle.
A couple of hours later, the nun staggers into the store again and says, "Gimme another bottle!"
The clerk, now seriously concerned, admonished the tipsy nun, saying, "You said it was for Mother Superior's constipation, but obviously you've been imbibing."
The nun replied, "Of course I have...and won't she shit when she sees me now!"
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in.
Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Things are going great! We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next!"
God says, "What!? You've got an engineer!? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"
At which time Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer!?"
"If you try hard enough, every water fountain is a bidet"
Kak, at BlueSky
"What is 'God'? Well. You know, when you want something really bad and you close your eyes and wish for it? God's the guy that ignores you."
Steve Buscemi
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Neither, it had to be the rooster!
Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a goat
When did this start?
When I was a kid.
让你看起来
I can't read Swahili.
Neither could the guy who wrote that.
A dad couldn't afford to take his kids to SeaWorld, so he took them to the fish market, and said, "Shhh, they're sleeping."
When I was a kid, my ma would send me to the corner store with $1 and I'd come back with: 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 2 bottles of milk, a packet of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now...too many security cameras.
Quote from: Nobody on September 08, 2025, 01:13:01 AMA dad couldn't afford to take his kids to SeaWorld, so he took them to the fish market, and said, "Shhh, they're sleeping."
"Luca Brazzi sleeps with the fishes tonight."
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, with 4 children and 11 grandchildren, but last night I cheated on my faithful wife with two 18-year-old girls." "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?" "Never, Father, I'm actually Jewish." "Then why are you telling me this?" "Well, I'm telling everyone!"
"Welcome to the Cabaret♫"
"When you go to court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."
Norm Crosby
I got excused during the screening. Defense counsel said I was too smart.
I shit you not. Miami was weird even back then.
Today I stopped at this roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.
So I paid my $2 and the guy said, "Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Bobby showed up to a Halloween party dressed as a premature ejaculation.
He just came in his pants.
WANTED: Someone to brush their teeth with me, because 9 out of 10 dentists say that brushing alone will not prevent tooth decay.
NO WEIRDOS PLEASE
A police officer called the station on his radio:
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet, the floor's still wet"
2 guys in a casino in Vegas. One asks the other, "Hey, how ya doin'?"
The guy says, "Ah, I win one day, and I lose the next."
So the first guy says, "Don't be stupid, play every other day."
Joey Bishop, roasting Jack Klugman
It's a five-minute walk from his house to the pub.
It's a 30-minute walk from the pub to his house.
The difference is staggering.
Quote from: Cassia on September 24, 2025, 07:18:48 PMIt's a five-minute walk from his house to the pub.
It's a 30-minute walk from the pub to his house.
The difference is staggering.
When I was on active duty my wife had a t-shirt made for me:
I MIGHT STAGGER HOME
BUT DAMNIT, I'LL
STAGGER LIKE A SAILOR!
What do you call a group of 6 swingers?
A sextet.
Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Me: I'm too honest.
Interviewer: Candidly, I don't think that's really a weakness.
Me: I don't give a shit what you think.
Honesty is a weakness if you're a lawyer or a politician.
Or a used-car salesman.
Quote from: Cassia on October 08, 2025, 09:01:12 AMInterviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Me: I'm too honest.
Interviewer: Candidly, I don't think that's really a weakness.
Me: I don't give a shit what you think.
Everyone says they value honesty, and to a certain extent, that's true - but tell them a harsh truth and they get mad.
"Smarmy: I was just being honest! /Smarmy."
No, you were just being a jerk and tried to cover it up.
Quote from: Nobody on October 08, 2025, 09:53:39 AMHonesty is a weakness if you're a lawyer or a politician.
Or a used-car salesman.
Or a televangelist.
Raconteur?
Jeez, haven't come across that word in a coon's age! 🦝
I heard that you can now get married via the internet. It's called e-loping.
"I told my doctor that I'd broken my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
Henny Youngman
Quote from: Nobody on October 10, 2025, 10:12:01 AMJeez, haven't come across that word in a coon's age! 🦝
When I was in the fifth grade I was ordered to take bed rest for six months. Spent most of the school year in bed. My bed room was no where near the only TV in the house (1959 wasn't big on TV.) Loved to read but Mom didn't have a budget for as many books as it would take to keep me busy (i.e., out of her hair). So she went to the local library and borrowed an old pedestal dictionary. Eight inches thick. I started with "A" and circled back around when I got to the end. My lexicon was "of Brobdingnagian proportions".
I have never missed a word in a vocabulary test given by a potential employer, including the USN. When I in training for a "suit and tie" job with State Farm my instructor came to me and said "the other students are complaining that you use too many big words.*"
My reply was "tell me the words you don't know and I won't use them."
Thing was, I was using the words I knew, I just remember more than most people will ever know even exist. This is NOT an achievement, I couldn't teach it, it's just the way my brain works. When the VA tested me to see if they could pay for my college I tested with an IQ of 128. Big deal. I'm not a millionaire or anything like that. I'm just me.
*From his face I could tell he was the one who was most intimidated.
Back when I was a Scrabble player, I read the dictionary, like you did, over and over. I, though, was mostly interested in the 2-letter words, because they were very useful.
Quote from: Nobody on October 11, 2025, 03:11:43 PMBack when I was a Scrabble player, I read the dictionary, like you did, over and over. I, though, was mostly interested in the 2-letter words, because they were very useful.
True, but the four-letter words were the most fun. ♥
I also liked the very obscure words, because people would challenge my words and lose every time! Words like Brobdignagian, although I don't think I ever got the chance to use that particular word. 🤣
Try "Phlogiston" for your back-up list.
Yeah, Levoisier put that one to rest.
Quote from: Nobody on October 11, 2025, 07:53:28 PMI also liked the very obscure words, because people would challenge my words and lose every time! Words like Brobdingnagian, although I don't think I ever got the chance to use that particular word. 🤣
FTFY.
T.rump's budget for personal aims is Brobdingnagian.
Trump's ego is mega-Brobdingnagian!
- I told my wife I want to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
- My girlfriend left me when she found out I only have nine toes. She's lack-toes intolerant.
- I made a graph of all my past relationships. There was an "ex" axis, and a "why" axis.
- I finished my book on babies. But next time, I'm just going to use a table.
- I accidentally drank holy water and laxatives. I'm about to start a religious movement.
I have to use albuterol, so I call the dispenser Vlad the Inhaler.
Quote from: Nobody on October 17, 2025, 12:30:13 AMI have to use albuterol, so I call the dispenser Vlad the Inhaler.
My wife asks "Have you hit the gas chamber this morning?" (Vaporizer ampules here. Once a day is enough.)
Why don't Southern Baptists have sex standing up?
Because people might think they're dancing.
Fishing with baptists rule.
If you go fishing with baptists always take two. If you take one, he will drink all your beer, if you take two they won't drink any.
Me in The Walking Dead:
"Hey guys, glad we all made it out of Atlanta together. Can't wait to go someplace nice like Fort Benning. Next to two rivers, so plenty of freshwater and very defensible. I can't imagine anyone stupid enough to go anywhere else, right guys?"
"Okay, I secured C block, like Rick said, but I have a casualty to report. Papercut." *winces in pain* "Ouch! Can you imagine going through this kind of pain?" *Hershel and Merle look at me, dumbfounded* "Oooh! This is going to smart tomorrow!"
"Hey Darryl, have you seen my phone? It's boring out here and I want to play some games!" *the group looks at me like I've gone crazy* "By phone, I mean solar-powered calculator, duh." *Darryl tosses it to me* *With my tongue hanging out and also lightly biting my tongue, I press on the buttons, excitedly showing Darryl the result* "8008135! That means--" *Darryl scrunches up his face* *I press more buttons* "Now look. 42069 Blazeit!" *Darryl shakes his head and leaves*
*I stumble upon an old rotary phone*
*picks it up and talks to it, asking if they have any Grey Poupon before doing the Waaasssup skit*
"Look at me, Rick. I'm a crazy person!"
*Rick looks horrified*
"I dunno what his problem is, that was hilarious!"
*Governor attacks*
*I pick up a gun and try to provide covering fire, often pointing the gun high in the air due to nearly completely uncontrolled recoil, almost pointing it at myself a couple of times*
*Governor retreats*
"Woot! Great job, guys! I was this close to shooting him myself. Darryl helped, I guess. *Darryl stands over the bodies of like 10 guys* "It was mostly me, though. I'm a badass."
*I look into the distance and see that the governor and a lot of his troops are still alive, possibly regrouping for a new attack*
"Get ready, guys. They're regrouping! He's going to come back any second and give us a hell of a fight!"
*Governor mows down all his men*
"Or...maybe not" *I shrug*
*The group nearly dies from another Governor attack and then a zombie attack immediately afterwards and morale hits an all time low*
*I decide to lift the spirits of the group with a rousing speech*
"I know things look bad right now, but just take a second and zoom out. No international wars, no pollution. *camera pans to a rusted drum of oil slowly leaking into the river* Not as much pollution. Global warming will probably solve itself before long." *Merle shouts that there's no such thing as global warming* "Climate change. I stand corrected. Many merci Merle, my meringue main man." *Merle facepalms*
*Eugene asks me if I played as the Alliance or the Horde*
"Horde 4 lfye, dawg! You went Ally? And a gnome?! LOOOSER!" *makes an L hand gesture on my forehead*
*Eugene stops talking to me*
*a flu goes around and Glenn asks me to tend to the sick*
"Isn't this the disease where you get a really bad nosebleed and then suffocate?"
*Glenn says that it mutated, now it's the back, too*
"I just remembered, I left my CGI deer on in the microwave back in North Carolina. See you guys later. Good luck with the ummm..." *sprints out of the prison*
*sees Carol outside, runs towards her while waving*
*sees Carol drag out two bodies and set them on fire*
"Oh hell no!" *keeps running into the wilderness*
*after a long, winding journey, I make it to Oceanside*
*the women there hold me at gunpoint and spearpoint*
"Only women are allowed in?" *tries his girl voice for the first time, unsuccessfully* *I ask them to let me try again, but my voice comes out unusually deep and bassy, like Darth Vader and James Earl Jones combined* *tries the girl voice again and again, also unsuccessfully*
*the women roll their eyes and withdraw their weapons*
"You're letting me in because you finally recognize my divine feminine? No? Oh, because you think I'm not a threat? Meh, I'll take it." *after some time has passed, I make a "Yes!" gesture*
---Happy End---
I got a buddy who's allergic to nuts, so every time he scratches his crotch he breaks out in hives.
Quote from: Nobody on October 21, 2025, 09:09:52 PMI got a buddy who's allergic to nuts, so every time he scratches his crotch he breaks out in hives.
He should either wash his hands or get somebody else to scratch the scrot.
Two skeletons walk into a bar.
One of them says to the bartender, "We'll take two beers, please, and a mop."
If you get attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.
I wasn't close to my dad when he died . . . which is good because he stepped on a land mine
"Arianna Grande sounds more like a Starbucks drink than a pop star."
Ryan George
My roommate is a Dick.
His name is Richard, but everyone calls him Dick.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.
Met a cute girl dressed as an egg.
The age-old question was finally answered:
The chicken.
As I was going up a stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today!
I wish, I wish, he'd go away!
Ogden Nash.
Read a book of Ogden Nash poems, inherited from my grandmother, in 1963. That poem is still in my head.
I've always liked Ogden Nash, since I first read his work long and long ago.
'The Cow'
The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk
Ogden Nash
Quote from: Nobody on October 29, 2025, 11:11:04 AMI've always liked Ogden Nash, since I first read his work long and long ago.
I read Nash when I found a book of his poems in my grandmother's collection. She died when I was in the fifth grade, 1963 IIRC. I also got her signed first edition of "Ben Hur". Robin will probably sell that one when I'm gone. No prob. I won't say a thing.
Know what I'm going to be Halloween?
Older
Is it better to be immoral or immortal?
Yeah, I guess there's no reason you couldn't be both, huh? 🤣
(https://i.imgur.com/mdElopRl.png)
It is my solemn duty to deliver the harsh truth, but I try to be kind.
I just realized that the word "seven" has "even" in it.
That's odd.
Dear Santa,
All I want is a skinny body and a fat bank account.
And please don't mix it up again, like last year.
My Grandpa was a wise man. I'll never forget his last words:
"Don't shake the ladder you little shit!"
Your fingers have fingertips, but your toes don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.
I've woken up over 25,000 times and I'm still not good at it.
Quote from: Nobody on November 02, 2025, 11:53:58 PMI just realized that the word "seven" has "even" in it.
That's odd.
Split the difference?
If I die choking on a Gummy Bear, tell everyone a bear killed me and say nothing more.
I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.
Don't buy it.
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
I know that's old, but it's still good! 🤣
Is a hot dog a canine that looks good in a bikini? 🐩
Please don't ever invite me to dinner.
;-)
How can you convert dollars to pounds?
By visiting McDonalds
Mary and Joseph had to stay in a barn when Jesus was born, because there was no room at the inn, it being Christmas and all.
Quote from: Nobody on November 21, 2025, 06:59:19 PMMary and Joseph had to stay in a barn when Jesus was born, because there was no room at the inn, it being Christmas and all.
That joke is even better with a Lancashire accent.
Yeah, that's where I heard it, watching British comedy! 🤣
Quote from: Cassia on November 21, 2025, 06:26:45 PMHow can you convert dollars to pounds?
By visiting McDonalds
McDonald's is prohibited by law from advertising the things they sell as "food". One too many "O" in that word to be accurate.
"The best way to cure insomnia is by getting a lot of sleep."
W. C. Fields
Either 500 or 1000mg of Fukitol will make your holidays much brighter.
If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.
It doesn't matter what you think of me, because my imaginary friends think I'm special.
Do you realize that we are the last generation on Earth who remembers what life was like before social media?
Just think, if the Indians gave the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!
Quote from: Nobody on November 26, 2025, 07:44:55 PMDo you realize that we are the last generation on Earth who remembers what life was like before social media?
Currently.
I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening, then I have to start all over.
Quote from: Nobody on November 26, 2025, 07:57:53 PMI hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening, then I have to start all over.
Pardon?
"The problem with stealing quotes off the internet is that you never know if they are genuine."
Abraham Lincoln
Did you hear about the two bald guys that put their heads together?
They made an ass out of themselves.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, the butt of all jokes, but they were really just a pair of egg heads.
Sorry, I'm just yoking around.
She said she missed me. Normally, that would be good, but she's reloading.
"She said she was considering me as a potential husband. I told her to take a shot. She said that was why she was looking for another spouse now!"
Now that I've gotten older, I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.
Leonard Part 6 is a movie that was a bomb when it came out and it has since aged poorly.
Slallone: "I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Beethoven."
Van Damme: I'll be Mozart. "
Schwarzenegger: "Stop it guys, I'm not saying it."
Quote from: Nobody on December 17, 2025, 07:59:26 PMSlallone: "I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Beethoven."
Van Damme: I'll be Mozart. "
Schwarzenegger: "Stop it guys, I'm not saying it."
Did you say that on porpoise or just for the halibut? OK, I'll stop, I'm just floundering and giving myself a haddock.
When one door closes, another door opens. Other than that, it's a pretty good car.
I held a party for my impotence support group. It was a total flop and nobody came.
Quote from: Paleophyte on December 21, 2025, 03:04:36 PMI held a party for my impotence support group. It was a total flop and nobody came.
You won't get a rise out of them like that.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I'll drink the red.
Quote from: Nobody on December 24, 2025, 10:06:30 PMI'm dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I'll drink the red.
I had a shot of Irish Cream. Made by fryers in some old Irish monastery. Ah, shit, now I regret doing it.
Quote from: Nobody on December 24, 2025, 10:06:30 PMI'm dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I'll drink the red.
And wake up around Valentine's Day?
What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?
I don't know, and I don't care, one way or the other.
The surgeon stands over the patient in the operating room, and says, "Dave, don't be nervous. You'll get through this. It's going to be all right."
The patient says, "Doc, my name is Frank."
"I know," says the surgeon. "My name is Dave."
Quote from: Cassia on December 24, 2025, 11:20:21 PMI had a shot of Irish Cream. Made by fryers in some old Irish monastery. Ah, shit, now I regret doing it.
I wanted to make an "Air Friars" joke, but I can't find a picture of a monk slam dunking (and there is a player named Malik Monk and a team called the Friars, which made me even more frustrated)
(https://i.imgur.com/naCPKR1.jpg)
Oh, there we are.
At least I'm not the first to make that terrible joke.
Iron Man is actually Fe Male.
It was so cold today, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up! 🥶
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I remind myself that Google Maps can't always be trusted.
Quote from: Nobody on December 30, 2025, 07:43:36 PMAs I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I remind myself that Google Maps can't always be trusted.
If you passed a sign that said "County Maintenance Ends" you need to turn around. You're very close to my cousins'.
I heard that two psychics predicted that the melon felon would check out to the Great Beyond this coming year. I don't think it takes a fake superpower to know that he's on his last legs! 🤣
What did Hagrid say to Gandalf?
"You're a hairy wizard."
What if we get to the afterlife and find out that we could have taken it with us, after all?
Quote from: Nobody on January 23, 2026, 02:43:09 PMWhat if we get to the afterlife and find out that we could have taken it with us, after all?
-Like what the ancient Egyptian thought..