I Feel Alone

[elconquistador]

   I feel alone, but perhaps that's normal. Perhaps I just need to be patient. I basically lost everyone, or atleast I lost their sympathies and genuine friendship (except my wife). Everyone in the church assume they know what I know and what is best for me. None of them listen. That's okay, why should I expect them to? If they listened to the BOM and half the rubbish church leaders say they would be exmo like me. I wanted to send my resignation so bad but my mother and grandmother made me promise I wouldn't. They think I'll come back some day, but I wont. The hurt is deep and the facts are real, I'm done with all religion.

   Everyone contacts my wife with friendly letters. Saying they miss her and want her to come back. No one sends me anything. It hurts a little, but I wouldn't care for it otherwise. But all this attention to my wife makes me think that they (TBM's) might think I've tempted my wife to leave as well. There's also a rumor going around that my wife and I are now satanists who practice which craft.

   What part of atheist and agnostic do they not understand? I enjoy science and the ability to admit I was wrong.

   I'm trying really hard to have a clean head and positive perspective. Just I feel this knot in my chest, this emptiness, this pain that wont go away when I think about all my efforts, all my time spent, all my church study, all my meetings with the bishop, all the guilt, and mental illness. I almost hurt myself the other day. I was going to start cutting again. But I didn't, I've already gone to a mental hospital and I wasn't going to let the church make me go crazy again. I wasn't going to let my wife see what I did and make her hurt. I wasn't going to be a coward. I refuse to start smoking again. I know it's bad. And I refuse to use drinking as a coping mechanism but sometimes it hurts so bad.

   None of my friends (who are mostly religious) really understand or care. None of my family members care. Each time I speak to any of my friends who are religious and thought I was too now just speak to me out of pity. No one texted me. No one  called me.  No one understands that what being atheist means. Like it's okay to say you don't believe in god but don't you dare say atheist. Ugh...

   Luckily, I still see a psych but I wouldn't dare tell them I think about suicide sometimes. I can control it, I wont do it, but sometimes I hurt so bad. I really cared about church, I really defended it, I really avoided science to save my faith but now...I'm empty.

   I've decided to stay involved as much as I can on all the exmo sites. It makes me feel good that I'm not alone. It makes me feel good to know that though I don't have any exmo friends near by I do have some behind a computer screen. I don't know what I would do without this site and the other forums and atheist forums, it's the only place I don't feel alone. I also decided to get involved in some manga, comics, physics, and music forums too so I can get my mind off the whole exmo thing and strengthen my hobbies so I don't feel so bad for myself.

   I feel like a big baby writing all this but it's how I feel and it's places like this that I can know that someone out there understands.

   So I guess now I just need patience, lot's of self love, and a lot of perseverance. I know I'll get out, but when? I'm married and almost 21. I'm no where near graduating college, I've really ruined my college career because all of the stuff I've delt with. So I'm just focusing on entrepreneurialism and starting my computer business. I love programing and computers and the physics of the whole thing.

   I guess it's time to just put one step in front of the other. Find some other nerdy friends to talk games and manga with. Some geniuses to teach me what they know about physics. And buy a piano.

   How I miss the sound of a piano. I've been without on for 4 months. My piano is sometimes my best friend. The way I can practice and practice and never get tire. The way all the notes fall so nicely together to make songs. When I dream, I sometimes dream of playing. I play a song and it is so euphoric, I'm at peace, and nothing bothers me. But for now I just listen to piano solos and when I do I dream and when I dream I am happy.

[aitm]

We have several ex-mo's here. I am sure they will stop in to offer their past. Don't panic and I hope you don't consider suicide, that would mean they win. Fuck them! Head up and buy a cheap electric piano, mine was 90 bucks and sounds great. Stick around and visit with us...don't stand too close to Stromboli though..he farts.

[AllPurposeAtheist]

I'm 54 and struggled with suicidal thoughts longer than you've been alive, but now days get by perfectly fine inside my own skin. It's far more common than it seems to feel alone. I still feel it quite often, but it's not a heavy weight now days, more a minor annoyance. Screw the church fucks. That's akin to the walking dead.

[Hydra009]

None of my friends (who are mostly religious) really understand or care. None of my family members care. Each time I speak to any of my friends who are religious and thought I was too now just speak to me out of pity. No one texted me. No one  called me.  No one understands that what being atheist means. Like it's okay to say you don't believe in god but don't you dare say atheist. Ugh...

   Luckily, I still see a psych but I wouldn't dare tell them I think about suicide sometimes. I can control it, I wont do it, but sometimes I hurt so bad. I really cared about church, I really defended it, I really avoided science to save my faith but now...I'm empty.

I've decided to stay involved as much as I can on all the exmo sites. It makes me feel good that I'm not alone.

That's good.  We all need to talk to others, especially during rough times.

I also decided to get involved in some manga, comics, physics, and music forums too so I can get my mind off the whole exmo thing and strengthen my hobbies so I don't feel so bad for myself.

This sounds like a good idea as well.  Find a good outlet.

So I guess now I just need patience, lot's of self love, and a lot of perseverance.

Yes.  Especially perseverance.  Most of us have been down and out for a while at some time in our lives.  It takes time to straighten everything out.

*e-hugs*

[SGOS]

I don't have much advice, but I noticed I started meeting atheists after I recognized it in myself.  Some were even close friends that, like most atheists (probably), don't advertise it in public.  Hang out here.  You could return to the church and believe in God because you are lonely.  No, forget that; Bad advice.

[leo]

I feel alone  very often too. I know how this feels. Sometimes it's  really hard. I think finding a hobby is a great idea.

[PickelledEggs]

I don't have much advice, but I noticed I started meeting atheists after I recognized it in myself.  Some were even close friends that, like most atheists (probably), don't advertise it in public.

This is true, ElCon. As you familiarize yourself with your own atheism, you will start to notice people around you with similar beliefs. It's similar to when you get a new car. If you get a ford Taurus, you start noticing Ford Tauruses everywhere. The trick is getting out to public places and striking up general conversation with people. You will make more friends. Trust me.

Right now you are still in the transition phase to atheism. You may know that you are a nonbeliever, but you are still getting used to how it plays in to your life. I'm not sure what part of the country you're from, but I recommenced doing an outing whenever you can to a city with some attractions that are pretty open in how you view them and tend to lead to conversations with other people. I'm an artist, so I would recommend a museum, but maybe you can come up with something similar where you would be able to talk to people and strike up conversation. Making new friends is fun especially when you get comfortable with it.

And as always, you have us at the forum to talk to.

[Aletheia]

   I feel alone, but perhaps that's normal. Perhaps I just need to be patient. I basically lost everyone, or atleast I lost their sympathies and genuine friendship (except my wife). Everyone in the church assume they know what I know and what is best for me. None of them listen. That's okay, why should I expect them to? If they listened to the BOM and half the rubbish church leaders say they would be exmo like me. I wanted to send my resignation so bad but my mother and grandmother made me promise I wouldn't. They think I'll come back some day, but I wont. The hurt is deep and the facts are real, I'm done with all religion.

This is the side effect of a cult which has trained its members from birth to value the church and the relationship with a deity above everything, including family and friends. You are being shunned because the rest of the members value their supposed places in the afterlife more than you, or anyone else for that matter. This is one of the nastier side effects of religion.

   Everyone contacts my wife with friendly letters. Saying they miss her and want her to come back. No one sends me anything. It hurts a little, but I wouldn't care for it otherwise. But all this attention to my wife makes me think that they (TBM's) might think I've tempted my wife to leave as well. There's also a rumor going around that my wife and I are now satanists who practice which craft.

Most organized religions have strict rules in place to keep their numbers from dwindling. When members try to leave, they will either try to coax the members back (as with the case of your wife) or they will use fear tactics, such as labeling you and your wife with derogatory terms, like satanists or witchcraft. It's an automatic response that tends to bypass most people's empathy. They've been taught from birth that such nasty tactics are necessary evils if used for the supposed salvation of a person's soul. In reality, it's just a ploy to keep the religion from dwindling.

   What part of atheist and agnostic do they not understand? I enjoy science and the ability to admit I was wrong.

It's not a failure in understanding. It's a failure on their part to even begin to listen. Most religious people don't want to hear that their religion could be wrong and when they die there won't be an afterlife. Your love of science and more logical thinking is synonymous with pulling the curtain back to reveal all the machinery used to create the magician's illusions. Their inability to recognize their fantasy as a fantasy is a failing on their part; not yours.

   I'm trying really hard to have a clean head and positive perspective. Just I feel this knot in my chest, this emptiness, this pain that wont go away when I think about all my efforts, all my time spent, all my church study, all my meetings with the bishop, all the guilt, and mental illness. I almost hurt myself the other day. I was going to start cutting again. But I didn't, I've already gone to a mental hospital and I wasn't going to let the church make me go crazy again. I wasn't going to let my wife see what I did and make her hurt. I wasn't going to be a coward. I refuse to start smoking again. I know it's bad. And I refuse to use drinking as a coping mechanism but sometimes it hurts so bad.

You've had the entire foundation of your life ripped out from under you. It is a loss on many levels occurring all at once. Recognize it for what it is - you are in grieving. This will pass in time as you lay down a new foundation in which to build your life anew. Be wary of your former church members exploiting this pain you feel as justification for you leaving the church. They have acted cruelly towards you - not the other way around. Friends and family members would be sympathetic toward you during your time of doubt - not condemn you when you no longer agree with them.

   None of my friends (who are mostly religious) really understand or care. None of my family members care. Each time I speak to any of my friends who are religious and thought I was too now just speak to me out of pity. No one texted me. No one  called me.  No one understands that what being atheist means. Like it's okay to say you don't believe in god but don't you dare say atheist. Ugh...

Once more, your friends have made their choice clear. They value their own salvation and place in the church more than their relationship with you. They can be equated with fair weather friends. Now that you are weathering a major storm in your life, they want no part. For once, you are seeing them for what they truly are. Their vacancies will leave room for new friendships with people who extend their friendship to more than just superficial pretenses. Do not become hardened by their cruelties, but pity them. All of them are friends with the same lot of fair weather friends, and any one of them could just as easily be abandoned by the herd. Keep your heart intact so that others who will come into your life later will be able to recognize all the wonderful traits you have to offer.

   Luckily, I still see a psych but I wouldn't dare tell them I think about suicide sometimes. I can control it, I wont do it, but sometimes I hurt so bad. I really cared about church, I really defended it, I really avoided science to save my faith but now...I'm empty.

If your psych is nonreligious or unbiased, then I would recommend telling them about the suicidal thoughts. I've been through counseling for suicidal ideation, and it is a wise thing to let them know that you are trying your best but are still struggling. It offers someone who can think more rationally than you in a given situation (since they aren't in the same situation as you) the chance to safeguard your life if your resolve should ever break. A trained counselor will do everything in their power to ensure you are stable - reestablishing social ties, maintaining mental health via exercise, keeping you focused on one positive goal after another... and so on. They will keep you moving on through the tough times, and help you when you backtrack.

   I've decided to stay involved as much as I can on all the exmo sites. It makes me feel good that I'm not alone. It makes me feel good to know that though I don't have any exmo friends near by I do have some behind a computer screen. I don't know what I would do without this site and the other forums and atheist forums, it's the only place I don't feel alone. I also decided to get involved in some manga, comics, physics, and music forums too so I can get my mind off the whole exmo thing and strengthen my hobbies so I don't feel so bad for myself.

It's always reassuring to know that others have been through what you are going through and have made it through to the other side. There is life after the church.

As for hobbies, it is helpful to rekindle the things in life which bring you joy. It can also offer a bridge to meet other people with similar interests and begin to make new friends over time.

   I feel like a big baby writing all this but it's how I feel and it's places like this that I can know that someone out there understands.

Sudden and abrupt change will catch anyone by surprise. Feeling anxious, hurt, scared, and angry are natural responses. We are social creatures and feel most secure when we have others we can rely on. The internet may not completely fulfill the role of the friendships you require, but it is a start. There are other ex-mo's and plenty of atheists around you. Many are silent or just pay lip-service to whatever church they grew up in. Rest assured, they often feel isolated and anxious. You are not alone. You are also braver than most.

   So I guess now I just need patience, lot's of self love, and a lot of perseverance. I know I'll get out, but when? I'm married and almost 21. I'm no where near graduating college, I've really ruined my college career because all of the stuff I've delt with. So I'm just focusing on entrepreneurialism and starting my computer business. I love programing and computers and the physics of the whole thing.

Patience and perseverance can get a person through just about anything. Best of luck in regards to your business endeavors.

   I guess it's time to just put one step in front of the other. Find some other nerdy friends to talk games and manga with. Some geniuses to teach me what they know about physics. And buy a piano.

   How I miss the sound of a piano. I've been without on for 4 months. My piano is sometimes my best friend. The way I can practice and practice and never get tire. The way all the notes fall so nicely together to make songs. When I dream, I sometimes dream of playing. I play a song and it is so euphoric, I'm at peace, and nothing bothers me. But for now I just listen to piano solos and when I do I dream and when I dream I am happy.

Music can soothe the psyche and put fears to rest. Also makes me quite envious since I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, let alone play any sort of musical instrument. My art resides more with what the eyes sees than with what the ear can hear. However, even with sketching, I can fully appreciate that alternate world within ourselves that only art seems capable of bringing us to.

[StupidWiz]

I know how it feels, suicidal thoughts often come to my mind as well but hang in there, we're here for you.

My advice is, surround yourself with non religious people, or environment. If you can't do that in real life, do it here on the internet. Subscribe to atheist/secular/humanist blogs, FB pages, forums, anything that continually remind you that you're not wrong, you're not the insane one.

Listening to music, playing online games help me cope with the situation. Drown yourself with doing what soothes you, your passion, and for a while you can forget about absurdities that happen around you in real life.

Aletheia's right, we're grieving, all the years under the cult's clutches, it feels like all those years were wasted on some ridiculous religious activities and imaginary fear and god. What we can do now at least is move on, do our best with what we've got right now. 

[Maldini]

I honestly have lost all faith in friendship and family, don't need self-righteous people giving me advice and trying to change me. I still have a good rapport with them but I don't do anything serious with them. just fun.

Feeling lonely is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

[SGOS]

I remember driving down the road one night by myself and having this insight that being alone was nothing at all like being lonely.  It was a life changing event for me to recognize that.  They are two very different experiences.  Don't confuse one with the other.  I had been whining to myself about being alone, when in fact, I was not even lonely.  What a waste of self pity!

[stromboli]

It can be brutal. I lived in a town that was 95% Mormon and had staunch members all around me when I left the church. I didn't have the internet to commiserate on. Fortunately there were many ex mormons who had become Christians, so I went to one- Saints Alive in Jesus, at an Assembly of God church. That is the primary reason I became a Christian out of Mormonism; that, and I had taken away my wife's social life, so I gave her another group to join.

Fortunately for me I have always been a loner and self reliant. We were shunned by people we lived among and looked at as evil; as I've said before, as a Temple attending Elder, I was now labeled as a Son of Perdition. And because we were excommunicated rather than disfellowshipped, we were double dipped in evil. I was also baptized as a Christian, so now I am a triple dipped, demon possessed, hell bound Son of Perdition Antichrist.

And I wear it with pride. 

[Solitary]

 :fU: Solitary

[Solitary]

   I feel alone, but perhaps that's normal. Perhaps I just need to be patient. I basically lost everyone, or atleast I lost their sympathies and genuine friendship (except my wife). Everyone in the church assume they know what I know and what is best for me. None of them listen. That's okay, why should I expect them to? If they listened to the BOM and half the rubbish church leaders say they would be exmo like me. I wanted to send my resignation so bad but my mother and grandmother made me promise I wouldn't. They think I'll come back some day, but I wont. The hurt is deep and the facts are real, I'm done with all religion.

   Everyone contacts my wife with friendly letters. Saying they miss her and want her to come back. No one sends me anything. It hurts a little, but I wouldn't care for it otherwise. But all this attention to my wife makes me think that they (TBM's) might think I've tempted my wife to leave as well. There's also a rumor going around that my wife and I are now satanists who practice which craft.

   What part of atheist and agnostic do they not understand? I enjoy science and the ability to admit I was wrong.

   I'm trying really hard to have a clean head and positive perspective. Just I feel this knot in my chest, this emptiness, this pain that wont go away when I think about all my efforts, all my time spent, all my church study, all my meetings with the bishop, all the guilt, and mental illness. I almost hurt myself the other day. I was going to start cutting again. But I didn't, I've already gone to a mental hospital and I wasn't going to let the church make me go crazy again. I wasn't going to let my wife see what I did and make her hurt. I wasn't going to be a coward. I refuse to start smoking again. I know it's bad. And I refuse to use drinking as a coping mechanism but sometimes it hurts so bad.

   None of my friends (who are mostly religious) really understand or care. None of my family members care. Each time I speak to any of my friends who are religious and thought I was too now just speak to me out of pity. No one texted me. No one  called me.  No one understands that what being atheist means. Like it's okay to say you don't believe in god but don't you dare say atheist. Ugh...

   Luckily, I still see a psych but I wouldn't dare tell them I think about suicide sometimes. I can control it, I wont do it, but sometimes I hurt so bad. I really cared about church, I really defended it, I really avoided science to save my faith but now...I'm empty.

   I've decided to stay involved as much as I can on all the exmo sites. It makes me feel good that I'm not alone. It makes me feel good to know that though I don't have any exmo friends near by I do have some behind a computer screen. I don't know what I would do without this site and the other forums and atheist forums, it's the only place I don't feel alone. I also decided to get involved in some manga, comics, physics, and music forums too so I can get my mind off the whole exmo thing and strengthen my hobbies so I don't feel so bad for myself.

   I feel like a big baby writing all this but it's how I feel and it's places like this that I can know that someone out there understands.

   So I guess now I just need patience, lot's of self love, and a lot of perseverance. I know I'll get out, but when? I'm married and almost 21. I'm no where near graduating college, I've really ruined my college career because all of the stuff I've delt with. So I'm just focusing on entrepreneurialism and starting my computer business. I love programing and computers and the physics of the whole thing.

   I guess it's time to just put one step in front of the other. Find some other nerdy friends to talk games and manga with. Some geniuses to teach me what they know about physics. And buy a piano.

   How I miss the sound of a piano. I've been without on for 4 months. My piano is sometimes my best friend. The way I can practice and practice and never get tire. The way all the notes fall so nicely together to make songs. When I dream, I sometimes dream of playing. I play a song and it is so euphoric, I'm at peace, and nothing bothers me. But for now I just listen to piano solos and when I do I dream and when I dream I am happy.

I only feel alone when I'm in a group of people that are strangers. I love being alone because I can do what I damned well please, and don't have to answer to anyone, or do what they want and I don't. "Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast."  Get an electronic key board and enjoy life. You don't need a genius to teach you science, just the internet and books by actual scientists. Good luck! We have all been in that dark corner with a dark cloud over our head, it comes with being alive. "Birds of a feather stick together"---for a reason. Talking to people that don't "judge" you will help you feel better. We are all ears! Solitary

[stromboli]

I spent a lot of time on exmormon boards before coming here, and commiserating with a lot of hurting people. I didn't really fit in there because I am one who is more inclined to get determined and proactive than otherwise. A lot of the people there were obviously in need of sympathetic ears and needed to heal. I wasn't very good at being a sympathetic ear, because I'm more like grit my teeth and man up, or whatever.

Not good at counseling for that reason. But I certainly understand. Met a few women whose lives were destroyed by leaving the church- lost their families, got accused of adultery, you name it. One woman was told by a Mormon bishop he would side with her in a divorce case if she had sex with him. She walked out of his office and lost her children. People don't realize how ugly the cult is behind the curtain.