Started by Solomon Zorn, September 15, 2013, 02:32:56 AM
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on November 19, 2018, 06:22:26 AMCould use some input on this one!Making it for a friend who's putting together an indie game centered in WWII.EntrenchedThe soil soaks with the blood of brothersthough the iron is not bound to the ground:It is flung forth from us to the othersin a monstrous nightmare we try to mountand ride towards the glow of the rising sun.Arm the cannons and rip the skies asunder,the struggle for a horse has only just begun:Kill the man you were and let it thunder.Worry only how to live with yourselfafter you make sure that you'll live.Forget the One and his band of twelveand the forgiveness that He might give.Nothing is sacred in love nor in war.Arm the cannons and rip your soul asunder,the high horse of dawn grazes too far.Kill the man you'd be and let it thunder.Someone told me to check a syllable counter.This one is more in tune with that: ten each.Which is better?entrenchedHere the soil soaks with the blood of brothersthough the iron is not bound to the ground:It is flung forth from us to the othersin a monstrous nightmare we try to mountand ride to the light of the rising sun.Arm the cannons; rip the skies asunder,the struggle for a steed has just begun:Kill the man you were and let it thunder.Worry only how to live with yourselfafter you are certain that you will live.Forget now the One and his band of twelveand so the forgiveness that He might give.Nothing is sacred in love nor in war.Arm the cannons; rip your soul asunder,the high horse of dawn grazes far too far.Kill the man you'd be and let it thunder.
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on November 24, 2018, 07:31:23 PMYou got feedback? @Cavebear
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on March 11, 2019, 07:50:29 AMLow FantasyYou and I oft danced in a dreamt up dystopia.Underneath ageless winds born from dragonsâ€™ wings. We collected most precious memorabilia Made from old news, cardboard and other trivial things. Mirrored the world as it was, as princess and prince. With the stage itself dismantling our binding quest. Rival rogues, timid thieves, assaulted assassins:Summarized in a Kingâ€™s cold courtâ€™s foolâ€™s jest.And though I would awaken the giants from the earth,To shake the foundations of reason and belief,I am but a dwarf looking up to you with mirth:A wraith captivated by your bodice and by grief.
Quote from: Cavebear on March 29, 2019, 02:24:12 AMYou had me until "bodice". Then it was just about sex... You might want to change that word because it is otherwise aspirational.
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on March 29, 2019, 10:43:34 AMThanks, going to keep bodice in this instance though. It's supposed to be about longing, including (but not limited to) lust, for something/-one tempting but beyond reach.Bodice seemed to work for that. As it fit the syllable-counter, (i think), and is something that both hides and accentuates beauty: an agent for appeal, if you will.
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on August 21, 2019, 02:45:57 PMThe winds withinThe winds in the north rise up again, fearing the reaper of the morrow.â€˜Tween bouts of fury, now and then, their wails witness with solemn sorrow.The grains of blood now dare to wither, as his scythe now divides day into night.It pains that food once fair goes bitter, rots in light of what hides just beyond sight:The soul of a man long impaled by regret who longs wholly for a chance at redemption,Whose whole life began amidst bloodshed and songs showily advancing the ademption.Such primal tenure lies within oneself; incorporated and baked into oneâ€™s meagre meat:Taken from nature in which we delve. So we created what makes us us, us evil, indeed.Sometimes you just gotta force yourself to write something, even if it isn't quite great and not what you wanted.There is no other way to stop a writers block.
Quote from: Cavebear on August 24, 2019, 04:57:25 AMThat 4th line was awful...The next to last line felt forced. Maybe something "mead"?
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on August 24, 2019, 05:56:37 AMNot sure it is even worth salvaging. I just needed to write anything. I haven't finished anything in so long.
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on September 08, 2019, 10:28:27 AMAmidst blue forestsRetarded monkey swings fast, Yet falls on red bum.
Quote from: Mike Cl on September 08, 2019, 10:36:46 AMWas that for Burach?