Theistic, Trump Supporting Parent Who Insists on Torturing Me

[Deconvert]

My mother is guilting me into visiting with my whole family every two months or so. We have NOTHING in common these days. I don't really enjoy her company in general because there is literally nothing to talk about except "How's the weather" type crap. Plus, she lives 3.5 hours away and I have two pack up 3 little kids to visit for a weekend. We had an agreement to not discuss politics or religion, but every time I go down there I have to hide in the bedroom because she is ranting in the living room while watching FOX news and calling Hillary Clinton "Hitler-y" - so clever. She has told me that even though he hates Donald Trump as a person, "anyone is better than Hillary." I have zero respect left. She has a MAJOR persecution complex and thinks that the government is taking all our religious rights away. I teach Biology and she thinks I'm preaching atheism in school by teaching evolution and that I should be forced to teach creationism, too. Enough said?

She keeps dropping hints about visiting me (which means she will sleep on the couch in my small town home with my family of 5). I've been ignoring the hints because I decided that I don't owe her anything as far as requisite number of visits per year. Well she sent me an email outlining exactly how often and when we've visited in the last year with a big guilt trip including the statement "maybe you'll understand when I'm gone." ::

Does anyone else have a parent like this? How do you deal with this? I'm I crazy for not wanting to visit my parents more than a few times a year?

[gentle_dissident]

My parents and I split up a loooooooong time ago. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a mothering mother.

[Baruch]

My sympathy.  I wonder if I made the right choice, choosing to take care of my mother in her old age.  It isn't getting any easier than it was 40 years ago.

Suggestion ... thank her for her love, but tell her you are a big boy/girl now.  And that you will keep in touch.  Also tell her to get a pet she can mother.

[Mike Cl]

My mother is guilting me into visiting with my whole family every two months or so. We have NOTHING in common these days. I don't really enjoy her company in general because there is literally nothing to talk about except "How's the weather" type crap. Plus, she lives 3.5 hours away and I have two pack up 3 little kids to visit for a weekend. We had an agreement to not discuss politics or religion, but every time I go down there I have to hide in the bedroom because she is ranting in the living room while watching FOX news and calling Hillary Clinton "Hitler-y" - so clever. She has told me that even though he hates Donald Trump as a person, "anyone is better than Hillary." I have zero respect left. She has a MAJOR persecution complex and thinks that the government is taking all our religious rights away. I teach Biology and she thinks I'm preaching atheism in school by teaching evolution and that I should be forced to teach creationism, too. Enough said?

She keeps dropping hints about visiting me (which means she will sleep on the couch in my small town home with my family of 5). I've been ignoring the hints because I decided that I don't owe her anything as far as requisite number of visits per year. Well she sent me an email outlining exactly how often and when we've visited in the last year with a big guilt trip including the statement "maybe you'll understand when I'm gone." ::

Does anyone else have a parent like this? How do you deal with this? I'm I crazy for not wanting to visit my parents more than a few times a year?

You can't pick your parents.  You can pick your friends, but not your parents.  But you can unpick your parents.

What do you have to lose by not going to visit?  As I see it, nothing.  So, just tell your mom that you are not going.  I'm sure you can make up reasons.  Or just say--I don't want to.  That's what I would do--and have done to various members of my family.  And I feel the better for it.

[doorknob]

I don't exactly get along with my family either. Each of them have their individual personalities and opinions that piss me off. Still they are family no matter what I think of them. So I mush on by enduring their political rampages and straight up jamming their views on every thing down each others throats! Then bad mouth each other behind every one's backs. Even to their faces. I guess I deal with them the same way they deal with each other. I don't put in my own two cents unless blatantly asked for it. Other wise I humor them by agreeing or making ambiguous comments that only rocket scientists would get the true meaning behind it all. In other words tolerate them because they are family. How ever that's not to say you can't limit the time spent with them. Especially when mental health is concerned. My family causes me stress and I don't enjoy all of their company except at social gatherings where games are the focus of the activities permitted. Games are the cohesion that keeps us together.

So don't stop visiting your mother all together just limit the time you are willing to spend with her. Definitely set some boundaries. And maybe plan some activities to keep your visit focused and enjoyable. Maybe bake that old cake recipe with her or cook her favorite meal or have her cook yours. Do family bonding things and just know that certain subjects are not open for discussion. Make sure that she knows this as well.

[gentle_dissident]

Games are the cohesion that keeps us together.

Profound.

[Baruch]

Profound.

We used to play Monopoly as a family, each New Years Eve.  I have spent time with another family, on New Years Eve ... and they play cards.  My folks and I did that the rest of the year, not on that special night.  We particularly played Canasta.

[gentle_dissident]

We particularly played Canasta.

My mother called it Conasty. I played it a few times with my granny and cousins. My new family plays a local variation of 500 Rum with me. So did my father.

[marom1963]

My mother is guilting me into visiting with my whole family every two months or so. We have NOTHING in common these days. I don't really enjoy her company in general because there is literally nothing to talk about except "How's the weather" type crap. Plus, she lives 3.5 hours away and I have two pack up 3 little kids to visit for a weekend. We had an agreement to not discuss politics or religion, but every time I go down there I have to hide in the bedroom because she is ranting in the living room while watching FOX news and calling Hillary Clinton "Hitler-y" - so clever. She has told me that even though he hates Donald Trump as a person, "anyone is better than Hillary." I have zero respect left. She has a MAJOR persecution complex and thinks that the government is taking all our religious rights away. I teach Biology and she thinks I'm preaching atheism in school by teaching evolution and that I should be forced to teach creationism, too. Enough said?

She keeps dropping hints about visiting me (which means she will sleep on the couch in my small town home with my family of 5). I've been ignoring the hints because I decided that I don't owe her anything as far as requisite number of visits per year. Well she sent me an email outlining exactly how often and when we've visited in the last year with a big guilt trip including the statement "maybe you'll understand when I'm gone." ::

Does anyone else have a parent like this? How do you deal with this? I'm I crazy for not wanting to visit my parents more than a few times a year?

She's your mother. She must have done some good for you. Think of that.
My sister never got along w/our mother. Meanwhile, I was our mother's dumpling. But - my sister was the apple of our father's eye. That's how it usually works.
Daughters usually don't get along w/their mothers - yours is a perfectly normal relationship!
If you can't say that - deep down - you don't love your mother, then put up w/her. She's right - she'll die one day, then you'll miss her. Why have regrets? She doesn't own you. Let her rant and rave about Hillary Clinton. So, what? What does it really cost you?
Hell, I'd buy her a Donald Trump T-shirt or hat or something. What difference does it really make? She's your MOTHER.

[SGOS]

Does anyone else have a parent like this? How do you deal with this? I'm I crazy for not wanting to visit my parents more than a few times a year?

My father caused the same reaction in me.  Like your mother, he was religious, actually a fanatic, speaking in tongues in his final years, but no two parents are ever exactly the same.  I left home in Chicago when I was 17, partly because I just didn't want to put up with his bullshit anymore, and partly because I had much better things to do in Montana, anyway.  There were periods of time when we got along well enough.  Maybe he was exerting himself to be civil, but he was a time bomb, always eventually erupting into thoughtless and insensitive social behavior, and finding excuses to belittle and do this wimpy passive aggressive thing on me.  Fuck that.  He was my father, not my friend.  I become friends with people I like.  My familial relationship with him was just a random act of birth.

He died about 20 years ago.  I don't miss him and never did.  At most (and this should hot be confused in anyway with affection of any sort), I miss what I never actually had, a normal father/son relationship of mutual respect.  Unfortunately, some things we have no control over so I just write those things off as,... well, beyond my control, and move forward along paths that I choose for myself.

I do empathize with you, however.  I can write off my father, but having an asshole for a parent is a sad thing, and I would be dishonest if I didn't admit that there has been sadness in it.  However, it is what it is.  We survive sadness, even if we can't change it into joy.  That would be a nice trick, wouldn't it?  But we survive and move on.

[Mike Cl]

We used to play Monopoly as a family, each New Years Eve.  I have spent time with another family, on New Years Eve ... and they play cards.  My folks and I did that the rest of the year, not on that special night.  We particularly played Canasta.

I have played, and loved, Canasta all of my life.  Came upon Samba as a young adult--three deck Canasta, which is also fun.  Pinochle was another family card game--my grandparents taught me to play.   Made a little money playing it in college.

[SGOS]

I have played, and loved, Canasta all of my life.  Came upon Samba as a young adult--three deck Canasta, which is also fun.  Pinochle was another family card game--my grandparents taught me to play.   Made a little money playing it in college.

Canasta was a big game in my family.  I remember liking it, but I wouldn't have a clue how it's played anymore.

[Mike Cl]

Canasta was a big game in my family.  I remember liking it, but I wouldn't have a clue how it's played anymore.

I would be willing to bet that you would remember quickly that in order to meld the first time you have to meld 90 points--and the Joker is worth 50. 

[Blackleaf]

I wanted to cut myself off from my family, minus my sister and cousins, and change my last name for good measure. However, I decided against it just to keep the peace. Maybe some day, when I move further away, I'll forget about them. It's not like my parents and I ever talk about anything personal. They're like acquaintances, except that they harrass me if I don't visit once a week or so.

[SGOS]

I would be willing to bet that you would remember quickly that in order to meld the first time you have to meld 90 points--and the Joker is worth 50. 

Actually, I don't remember any of that.  So there!

(I was really young when my mother taught me how to play it.  And for some reason they stopped playing it as I got older.)