Why CATHOLICS are such great material for laughter! …………

Started by 21CIconoclast, May 19, 2016, 12:46:12 PM

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21CIconoclast






SANDRA:  “……. the story goes like this, since we’re Catholics, then our Jesus is considered god incarnate as Yahweh our Jew god, then this precludes that Jesus celestially impregnated his own mother Mary through godly incest in the virgin birth story in Matthew 1:18. When Jesus performed this act, not only did he become Mary’s son at birth, but his own Father as well, and a bastard child through true Hebrew tradition because Jesus was not the paternal son of Joseph.  Do you understand Tommy?

TOMMY:  “Uh, this is what we believe as the start of our Catholic faith?”

SANDRA:  “ Why of course Tommy, it makes perfect sense in today’s age”

MICHELLE:  “ Sandra, when Joseph wasn’t the paternal father to Jesus, but only a step-father, then when Jesus was in the act of celestially impregnating his mother Mary through incest, do you think poor ol’ Joseph heard her crying out; "oh GOD, oh GOD?"

SANDRA:  “Probably so Michelle, little did Joseph know at the time how appropriate your astute statement was. You are so funny!”

KATHY:  “Sandra, I have a question, why didn’t the other Jews believe in Jesus being our god Yahweh, because they questioned this, remember? "Is this not Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How can he now say, 'I came down from heaven'? (John 6:42)

SANDRA:  “Good question Kathy, the Jews never accepted our logical Trinity Doctrine, and because of this, our ever loving and forgiving Jesus, as Yahweh god, will throw them into the depths of the sulfur lakes of Hell upon their demise!” 

KATHY:  “Okay, that sounds reasonable Sandra, I can't wait to tell this entire story to my non-believing friends so they’ll want to be Christians too!”

TOMMY:  “Sandra, uh, say, uh ….... should I tell my mom that our priest touched me, then he bent me over a table in the “rectory” and said he was screwing me since the Fathers would never tell on him, and if he was caught, they would just move him to another town....... should I tell?”

SANDRA:  “Okay, its time for lunch! Lets go to my house and my mom will fix us PB&J sandwiches, okay?”

“When Christians understand why you dismiss all the other gods in the Before Common Era, then you will understand why I dismiss your serial killer god named Yahweh.”

reasonist

Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities
Voltaire

21CIconoclast







“Tommy, do you like to watch Gladiator Movies like I do?”
(*** Damn, I'd like to put something in Tommy's mouth other than this stupid wafer ***)





“When Christians understand why you dismiss all the other gods in the Before Common Era, then you will understand why I dismiss your serial killer god named Yahweh.”

21CIconoclast





“Listen, we had to move Father O’Donnell to a small town in Texas because Tommy’s parents
were wondering why he had the highest falsetto voice in our boy’s choir.”




“When Christians understand why you dismiss all the other gods in the Before Common Era, then you will understand why I dismiss your serial killer god named Yahweh.”

21CIconoclast



“Since I am omniscient, and you're of the Catholic Faith, someday in the future some of you
will be sexually molested by a “Father or a Priest,” and since I have to forgive them of their
crime against the innocent young, I am still to be looked up too, okay?
”




“When Christians understand why you dismiss all the other gods in the Before Common Era, then you will understand why I dismiss your serial killer god named Yahweh.”

21CIconoclast










( *** “As my fellow priests understand, who wants to molest these little girls upfront, when you have a
such a beautiful boy like is standing to my left, praise Jesus for such a creation!” ***)







“When Christians understand why you dismiss all the other gods in the Before Common Era, then you will understand why I dismiss your serial killer god named Yahweh.”

21CIconoclast








“WTF?  I have the curse of Ham upon me just because he didn’t cover Noah’s nakedness? DAD, … can you come in here
please, can we go shopping of another DIVISION of Christianity? Do we really have to follow this piece of shit barbaric
Catholic bible going into the 21st century?!”



The Canaanites descended from Ham via his son Canaan, and have historically been regarded as the ethnic ancestors
of the black peoples of Africa. Some ancient Jewish writings, including part of the Talmud, state that Ham had his faced "blackened"
by Yahweh god as part of a curse, in punishment for Ham seeing Noah's nakedness and not covering him.  Therefore, all black
people are considered to have the “Curse of Ham” from the bible’s Hebrew Christian god, affectionately known as “Yahweh.”

“When Christians understand why you dismiss all the other gods in the Before Common Era, then you will understand why I dismiss your serial killer god named Yahweh.”

Blackleaf

While not specifically Catholic, the latest video from Planet Dolan gives us even more reasons to laugh at Christians. It's called "10 Insane Fears People Had About New Technology." I'm not kidding. At least half of the irrational fears listed were perpetuated by the church.



My favorite one of the list: the fear of street lamps. The Catholic church claimed that street lamps were evil, because God made us to sleep at night. Therefor staying up late, as the street lamps would allow, was a sin. Pope Gregory the XVI actually put out a ban on gas lighting. Street lamps! Christians had a problem with FUCKING STREET LAMPS! If this doesn't show that the Christian population exists to impede progress, I don't know what does.
"Oh, wearisome condition of humanity,
Born under one law, to another bound;
Vainly begot, and yet forbidden vanity,
Created sick, commanded to be sound."
--Fulke Greville--

21CIconoclast









DAD: “…... then our Catholic Jesus god said “Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.” (Numbers 31:17-18)

KATHY: “Huh? Daddy, why did our Jesus god say to keep the women children alive that have not known man by lying with him for yourselves?. Does lying with man mean the same as when you and mommy lie together in bed at night with the lights out?”

DAD: “ Okay Kathy, how about some lunch, I am hungry, aren’t you?”

KATHY: “But Dad, is lying with young girls mean that under our Jesus' statement, that Moses’ army were screwing little young virgin girls after taking them for themselves? Does our Jesus god promote pedophilia?”

DAD: “Honey, we’re not to question Jesus in matters like this as we’re told by our Priest, remember?”

KATHY: “ But Dad, this sounds really terrible when our Jesus, as god,  said to keep the young virgin women children for Moses’ army, doesn’t it, eeewwwwwww, those poor young innocent girls!”

DAD: “KATHY, ENOUGH! Now, lets go and have Mommy fix us some lunch, okay?

KATHY: "Is this bible story like our Priests screwing little boys in church, and then covering up this offense in the name of Jesus?"

DAD: "KATHY, THATS THE LAST TIME, YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR A WEEK!



“When Christians understand why you dismiss all the other gods in the Before Common Era, then you will understand why I dismiss your serial killer god named Yahweh.”

21CIconoclast






“Oh Jesus, I pray that I won’t be Father Murphy’s next victim
in the “rectory” as I saw what it did to my friend Johnny,
where he wasn’t able to walk normally for a week. Please Jesus,
let my priest pass me by at this time, I pray in the Lord’s name, Amen.”



“When Christians understand why you dismiss all the other gods in the Before Common Era, then you will understand why I dismiss your serial killer god named Yahweh.”

21CIconoclast




PRIEST: "So, tell me Suzie, do you ever get a "tingling" sensation, uh, you know, "down there?"

SUZIE:  "Father, uh, sometimes, why?"

PRIEST: " Well,  - *cough* -  I can relieve you from that little problem."

SUZIE:  "Okay Father, since I am told to trust you, I'll let you help me, okay?"

PRIEST: "Fine my little one, meet me in the "rectory" when your parents are away tonight and I'll take care of you, okay?"

SUZIE: "Okay Father, because I trust you."

PRIEST: "Suzie, one more thing, I am out of handi-wipes, can you bring some with you?"

SUZIE: "Huh?  Okay, I'll try and find some in my parents bathroom."






“When Christians understand why you dismiss all the other gods in the Before Common Era, then you will understand why I dismiss your serial killer god named Yahweh.”