Harry Potter as Christian Fanfiction

[TomFoolery]

The backstory:

Hello, friends! My name is Grace Ann. I’m new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I’ve encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I’m happy for them to be reading; but I don’t want them turning into witches! So I thought… why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So- Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of your! So, without further ado-

A brief excerpt from Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles

“You can speak with my auntie and uncle,” Harry retorted politely; and blinked his big, blue, childlike eyes.

“What do you want?” Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit.

“Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved,” Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat.

Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. “Saved? Don’t tell me you are you one of those Christians?”
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10644439/1/Hogwarts-School-of-Prayer-and-Miracles

Someone please tell me this is satire? Or explain to me why atheists have to be portrayed wearing unflattering pantsuits with uncoordinated, sturdy shoes?

[Draconic Aiur]

Jehova's Witness I'm guessing.

[TomFoolery]

Jehova's Witness I'm guessing.

The writer is from a denomination that outright rejects evolution and celebrating birthdays. I wasn't aware of Christian sects that said birthdays were a no-no.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

The writer is from a denomination that outright rejects evolution and celebrating birthdays. I wasn't aware of Christian sects that said birthdays were a no-no.

There's only one birthday that matters, son.

[Munch]

Can J K Rowling sue these people? Please say she can.

[TomFoolery]

Can J K Rowling sue these people? Please say she can.

Some authors really hate fan fiction. Ann Rice was notorious for pursing legal action against people. JK Rowling however is not. There's fan fiction out there with gay Weasley brother bang bangs and Remus Lupin raping teenage Draco Malfoy as a wolf, so I can't imagine this would register that high on her radar.

[The Skeletal Atheist]

TBH: I'm going to read the shit it of this. Satire or not it's fucking hilarious.

[TomFoolery]

Just make sure you're sitting down, not ingesting anything and not in a place where maniacal laughter would be considered inappropriate. After reading this part, my husband actually walked into the room to ask if I was ok:

"Hagrid beamed widely. He had been praying so hard to save a soul today; and he was so happy to have saved the soul of such a sweet, earnest little one. The poor boy, being raised by two parents who were not Christian; and who both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long. It was a good thing Hagrid had got here in time. Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist!"

[Hijiri Byakuren]

Just make sure you're sitting down, not ingesting anything and not in a place where maniacal laughter would be considered inappropriate. After reading this part, my husband actually walked into the room to ask if I was ok:

[Munch]

Just make sure you're sitting down, not ingesting anything and not in a place where maniacal laughter would be considered inappropriate. After reading this part, my husband actually walked into the room to ask if I was ok:

I think my funny bone blew out, because the laugh portion of my brain isn't triggering, when I know i should be on the floor riving right now O.o

Maybe its because of how creepy I find this, in parody told to a stand up audience I might be cracking up. but imagining this being read to a 4 year old, imprinting this on their minds, it honestly scares me a little.

[CrucifyCindy]

Can J K Rowling sue these people? Please say she can.

Not if the author claims the work is parody

[Munch]

Not if the author claims the work is parody

but Christians can't handle parody, since its a form of humor, something they lack.

[TomFoolery]

Maybe its because of how creepy I find this, in parody told to a stand up audience I might be cracking up. but imagining this being read to a 4 year old, imprinting this on their minds, it honestly scares me a little.

Well, I don't really think it's Harry Potter fan fiction anymore really. It's just bad Christian propaganda where the characters happen to have the same names as Harry Potter characters. And the propaganda machine was working overtime on this one for sure.

“No, Aunt Petunia,” he uttered calmly with childlike wisdom. “Evolution is not real. And I am going to Hogwarts.”

“No, no, Harry,” Aunt Petunia screeched desperately. “I have an idea. You can have a second birthday today. You like birthdays, right?”

“Birthdays are not of God,” Harry verbalized knowingly; and looked at his aunt with an innocent wisdom.

Sorry, but no 11 year old wants to stop celebrating birthdays after some giant stranger shows up on the doorstep wanting to ship you off to a mysterious boarding school. And no rational adult would offer to throw a random second birthday party for her nephew in order to keep him from going to said mysterious boarding school after some stranger showed up at her door. I may not be familiar with laws in the United Kingdom regarding child custody (though in this version, Dumbledore is described as having a "distinctive southern twang that made Harry feel safe and welcome so Harry knew he was a man of God") but I'm assuming if some weird guy shows up at your door to cart off your children, you can totally say no. You could call the police even.

I just struggle to understand the author's thought process. I really, really would like a peek into her head.

[Hakurei Reimu]

I really, really would like a peek into her head.

No, you don't. Serpents live there.

[Hydra009]

“No, Aunt Petunia,” he uttered calmly with childlike wisdom. “Evolution is not real. And I am going to Hogwarts.”

As an aside, the phrase "childlike wisdom" looks more and more off to me.  Children, generally speaking, aren't the sharpest tools in the shed.