Jeff Foxworthy On Muslims

[Canadian Atheist]

Jeff Foxworthy On Muslims 1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim. 2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim. 3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim. 4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim. 5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim. 6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim. 7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim. 9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim. 10. If you find this offensive and don't forward it, You may be a Muslim.

[drunkenshoe]

In 2012, Foxworthy endorsed Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, explaining, "I avoided politics for 53 years of my life. I have been doing stand-up comedy for almost 30 and never wanted to be political. Selfishly, I wanted to make everyone laugh. But it got to the point that this is too important."

-wiki

It got to the point that it is too important, to save his country he had to endorse Mitt. Funnier joke than his. E: Oh and that's not 600 000 dead Irakis down there, but It's 3000 000 and the number on children is 500 000.


You Might be a Republican If..........

By Bruce Lindner

1) You believe George W. Bush's redistribution of middle-class tax cuts to the top
1% of tax-payers was good for America, but Obama's plan to return it to the middle
class is 'socialism.'

2) You believe stem cells are living human beings, but thousands of Iraqi children
are 'expendable collateral damage.'

3) You believe tax cuts for billionaires is a great idea, yet you wonder why the
economy has stalled, your job just got outsourced to India, and oil company
executives receive $400,000,000.00 retirement packages.

4) You believe the surge worked because the violence in Iraq is back to 2006 levels,
which is only horrible, compared to what it was in 2007; intolerable. Besides, Brit
Hume said so.

5) You think trial lawyers are harmful to America, yet you support prosecuting
some guy in Muncie Indiana who burned his 99¢ American flag that was made in
China by forced child labor.

6) You're all for the 'rule of law' when it's applied to Bill Clinton for lying about his
infidelity, but not for prosecuting Karl Rove and Scooter Libby for committing
treason.

7) You think George W. Bush is actually a really smart guy, but his folksy manner
just makes him seem dumber than he really is.

8) You believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own, and
that those who are born to poverty and never have opportunities for advancement,
got what they deserved.

9) You believe Ronald Reagan was a great president who had complete control of all
aspects of government, but the Iran-Contra Affair was an insignificant scandal that
went on without his knowledge.

10) You believe Democrats tax and spend, but George W. Bush was a fiscal
conservative.

11) You believe Oliver North, who was CONVICTED of perjury, obstruction of
justice, destroying evidence and accepting bribes, is a patriot. But John Kerry, who
saved a man's life while under enemy fire in Vietnam is a coward.

12) You believe George W. Bush kept us safe from terror, and the failure to prevent
the 9/11 attacks were Clinton's fault.

13) You actually believe Fox News is fair & balanced.

14) You still believe Saddam had truckloads of WMDs, and that he somehow
managed to sneak them into Syria, right under our noses.

15) You believe Terri Schiavo was sentient all along, and Bill Frist had the ability to
diagnose her condition by watching a 5 second video of her sleeping.

16) You're in favor of stronger prison sentences for drug users, yet your favorite
radio personality is Rush Limbaugh.

17) You complain about having to press 1 for English, yet you hire undocumented
workers to mow your lawn because they're cheaper than hiring the kid next door.

18) Homosexuality is abhorrent to you, except when a Republican senator, the
president of the National Association of Evangelicals, and a planted White House
journalist get caught having sexual affairs with gay men. Then you suddenly feel
sorry for them.

19) The war in Iraq makes perfect sense to you, but any suggestion by Barack
Obama that we target al Qaeda specifically is 'dangerous and reckless.'

20) You don't mind that president Bush tortured men who were never charged with
a crime, yet you're horrified by the wrath of al Qaeda when they capture one of our
guys.

21) You believe the 1/10 of 1% of scientists who claim global warming is a hoax, and
reject the 99.9% who say it's real, because Sean Hannity and his friends in the oil
industry have convinced you that science is a part of a greater liberal conspiracy.

22) You believe patriotism means you should support your government right or
wrong ... unless a Democrat's in power, then it's your patriotic duty to call him a
closet Muslim, challenge his birth certificate, expose his sex life and impeach him.

23) You're proud of your party's 'culture of life.' Yet you support the death penalty
for minors, you believe 600,000 dead Iraqis is justified because one of them was
Saddam Hussein, and you oppose confronting the genocide in Darfur because they
don't have oil.

24) You support prayer in school, as long as your kids aren't subjected to Muslim
prayers.

25) You think Darwin's theory of evolution is a loony fairy tale, and mankind
actually began with two naked teenagers, a magic apple and a talking snake.

26) You think $35 billion spent on health care for children is a waste of taxpayer's
money, but $1.7 trillion spent on a catastrophic war that has isolated us from our
allies, decimated our economy and made us less safe was money well spent.

27) You believe embargoing communist Cuba is sound foreign policy, but trading
with China is just good business.

28) You believe Bill Clinton was an immoral cad, but Newt Gingrich and Henry
Hyde were faithful husbands (and Larry Craig just has a wide stance).

29) You fervently defend the Constitution, but when president Bush got caught
monitoring 300 million phones without a warrant, politicizing our justice system,
hyping evidence for going to war and pardoning a convicted perjurer who just
happened to be on his staff, then it's okay, because he was 'protecting America.'

30) You were outraged when a gallon of gasoline went from $1.29 to $1.40 during
the two terms of the Clinton presidency, but you didn't seem to mind when prices
tripled under George W. Bush, the "oil man."

31) You were furious when Bill Clinton pardoned international commodities trader
Marc Rich, who was convicted of tax evasion, but applauded when George W. Bush
exonerated Scooter Libby for obstructing justice to protect Dick Cheney from a
treason indictment.

32) With no evidence whatsoever, you complained of 'voter fraud,' and demanded
that thousands of blacks be scrubbed from voting lists during the 2004 election in
Ohio, yet when Rush Limbaugh asked his audience to illegally claim to be
Democrats and vote for Hillary Clinton during the Ohio Primary in February to
"stir up trouble," a FELONY, you were okay with that.

33) You believe Barack Obama should be held accountable for every sermon that
Jeremiah Wright ever gave, but John McCain, who sought the endorsement of antiSemitic,
xenophobic, openly racist and homophobic pastors should be given a pass.

34) You believe Barack Obama is either a secret Muslim, was actually born in
Kenya, and his parents forged a fake birth certificate when he was born - just in
case he should ever run for president, or that his father's nationality disqualifies his
son from being president, all because you read that on the Internet.

35) You believe the 8 consecutive years of prosperity and strong economic growth
from 1993 - 2001 was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush,
but today's recession is all Clinton's and Obama's fault.

36) You laugh at how much better Barack Obama speaks with a TelePrompTer
than without one, yet you never mention the fact that even with a TelePrompTer,
every time George Bush opened his mouth, gibberish tumbled out.

37) You still believe Barack Obama has somehow succeeded in fooling every
government and independent examination with his "obviously Photoshopped"
documents. Instead, you rely on Internet gossip, WorldNetDaily and Jerome Corsi
as your sources for "truth."

38) Your conservative media spent more air time discussing Michelle Obama
touching the queen of England's arm than on the economy, the environment,
terrorism and health care combined.

39) You believe that we should get out of Afghanistan because Obama is "nation
building," yet for eight straight years of Bush's bumbling incompetence there, you
kept mum. Therefore, attacking Iraq makes sense, even though they never
threatened us, but finishing off the job of finding Osama bin Laden; the terrorist
who killed 3,000 Americans -- Bush's original task -- is a dumb idea.

40) You were furious that Barack Obama admitted in France that Americans have
occasionally been "arrogant, dismissive and derisive," but you cheered them on
when Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld were arrogant, dismissive and derisive.

41) You believe that Obama's $3.6 trillion budget is an outrage, but never once
complained that George Bush turned Bill Clinton's $300 billion surplus into a $1.3
trillion deficit. And it never once occurred to you that Bush deliberately omitted the
Iraq and Afghanistan wars from those statistics, which means Bush's TRUE deficit
was $3.1 trillion..

42) You supported Gov. Sarah Palin, partly because you believed she kept a good
Christian home. This, despite the fact that her seventeen year old unmarried
daughter was knocked up, her son was accused of vandalizing 44 school buses
(cutting the brake lines of school buses - HELLO!!?) and was given the choice of
going to jail or join the military, and Palin herself was found guilty of abusing the
power of her office. But Barack Obama can't possibly be a true Christian, because
his father was a Muslim, and his middle name is Hussein. (Besides, he's black, and
everybody knows that Jesus was a blond haired blue eyed white man..)

43) You believe the only solution to gun violence is to make sure everybody is armed
to the teeth. That way, when some crazy person goes on a killing spree, rightthinking
people will take out the killer, and tranquility will prevail throughout the
land.

44) You believe the mainstream news anchors are crazy, biased and filled with hate,
but Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity are rational, accurate and informative.

45) You defend Rush Limbaugh's right to wish for Obama to fail, and therefore, the
failure of our republic, yet you call Democrats the "blame America first crowd."

46) You claim that the economic crisis is the fault of the Democrats, but never
mention that it was the Reagan administration that massively deregulated the
banking industry in 1982, and it was Phil Gramm - McCain's choice for economic
advisor - who completed the task for his pals in the banking industry in 1999.

47) You believe the failure of the US automobile industry is primarily the fault of
the unions, and not because management of the three corporations insisted on
producing vehicles that nobody wanted. And you're angry with the $28.00 per hour
average wage of the work force, but you believe that the multimillion dollar salaries
of the men who bankrupted the industry are perfectly reasonable.

48) You believe Barack Obama is a "narcissistic megalomaniac," because you heard
Glenn Beck call him that once, but Beck himself is a humble man, concerned only
for your welfare (brought to you by Goldline!).

49) You believe anybody who doesn't subscribe to Orly Taitz' birther movement is a
RINO, and those who do, are carrying the torch of Reaganism.

50) You think this list is mean-spirited and biased, and even though you privately
acknowledge to yourself that it's all true, you believe the Democrats are just as bad.
Here's a bulletin: Nobody has ever been this bad.

[aitm]

Jeff Foxworthy On Muslims 1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim. 2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim. 3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim. 4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim. 5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim. 6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim. 7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim. 9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim. 10. If you find this offensive and don't forward it, You may be a Muslim.

I laughed.

[drunkenshoe]

Doesn't count. You didn't forward it.

[Hydra009]

Jeff Foxworthy On Muslims 1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.

Yeah, I never really understood the whole thing about Muslim cashiers having moral objections to ringing up alcohol or pork products.  Not consuming.  I'm talking about just handling the stuff.  Does the packaging leak toxic haraam particles or something?

Heck, I didn't even think that cashiers had the option of refusing to do their jobs.  Could I become a vegan tomorrow and refuse to ring up beef?  Or become a teetotaler and refuse to sell other people wine?  Go on a diet and refuse to sell Twinkies.  Well, I can't have any, so you can't, either.  That seems like a fair thing for both parties, right?

[stromboli]

Jeff Foxworthy hosts The American Bible Challenge.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_American_Bible_Challenge

No thanks.

[drunkenshoe]

Yeah, I never really understood the whole thing about Muslim cashiers having moral objections to ringing up alcohol or pork products.  Not consuming.  I'm talking about just handling the stuff.  Does the packaging leak toxic haraam particles or something?

Heck, I didn't even think that cashiers had the option of refusing to do their jobs.  Could I become a vegan tomorrow and refuse to ring up beef?  Or become a teetotaler and refuse to sell other people wine?  Go on a diet and refuse to sell Twinkies.  Well, I can't have any, so you can't, either.  That seems like a fair thing for both parties, right?

They do it all the time. It's a cheap show. Like christians do at the other side. Most of it is commercial for their own communities and propaganda. Pork and alcohol is legal in the country I live. Before it was legalised, you could find it anyway. You just need to be 18 to buy alcohol and it is not even regulated carefully. You can buy it everywhere. From a little shop in blocks. Many muslims drink. So it is pretty much bullshit. And the ones who drink, think themselves secular, that's another bullshit.

Cheapest high quality booze comes from the Middle East. Esp. Iran. Let's say you pay 20 dollars for a bottle of whiskey, they pay 5. Same brands. It's a traditional thing to ask someone to bring electronics -like latest cell phones or regular gadget- or booze when they go to somewhere in the area to work. I have no idea how it gets around. I have seen it many times. Cigarettes, parfum, booze, high quality cosmetics, good chocolate...etc. Original brands.

The whole business is pretty much like Islam being a religion of peace.

[Hydra009]

Yeah, you're right.  Christians do it, too.  You have hardcore Christians refusing to sell condoms or birth control sometimes.  It pisses me off just as much.  Okay, so you have a moral objection to contraceptives.  Fine, don't use them, then.  See how that works out.  But other people should be able to make their own choice, you don't get to decide for them.

[drunkenshoe]

They demonise Western culture as if alcoholic drinks or drugs were invented there and like we didn't have it before, while their own culture had its getting drunk and high culture far before westerners sold it around. Turks have had their alcoholic culture for thousands of years back in central Asia. Wine, kımız, rakı... 

It's a main preaching line over here. Showing all that drinking culture as some way of West's tool to 'degenerate' and weaken the East and Middle East and blah blah. People buy that, because they want to buy it. That makes them belong to a community, a side. According to them it fits with the Westernisation process that is designed to wipe them out. Sounds familiar?