Consent Explained with the Most Perfect Metaphor

[Aletheia]

This Woman Just Explained Consent With The Most Perfect Metaphor

“Hey, would you like a cup of tea?”


Consent. It’s a powerful word that, for some bizarre reason, is still argued about to this day. It seems many people still don’t really get what “consent” means.

As Rockstar Dinosaur Pirate Princess points out, it’s actually a pretty simple concept: “Whoever you are initiating sexytimes with, just make sure they are actually genuinely up for it. That’s it. It’s not hard. Really.”

And it shouldn’t be. But for many, it still is. Mystifying, right? So RDPP broke it down in the best way possible: with a metaphor so simple, even those who have historically had trouble grasping the concept should be able to understand it. We’ll let her do the talking:

If you’re still struggling, just imagine instead of initiating sex, you’re making them a cup of tea.


    You say, “Hey, would you like a cup of tea?” and they go, “OMG, f*ck yes, I would f*cking LOVE a cup of tea! Thank you!” Then you know they want a cup of tea.

    If they are unconscious, don't make them tea. Unsconscious people can't answer the question, "Do you want tea?" because they are unconcious.


If you say, “Hey, would you like a cup of tea?” and they um and ahh and say, “I’m not really sure…” then you can make them a cup of tea or not, but be aware that they might not drink it, and if they don’t drink it then â€" this is the important bit â€" don’t make them drink it. You can’t blame them for you going to the effort of making the tea on the off chance they wanted it; you just have to deal with them not drinking it. Just because you made it doesn’t mean you are entitled to watch them drink it.

If they say, “No, thank you,” then don’t make them tea. At all. Don’t make them tea, don’t make them drink tea, don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. They just don’t want tea, okay?

They might say, “Yes, please, that’s kind of you,” and then when the tea arrives they actually don’t want the tea at all. Sure, that’s kind of annoying as you’ve gone to the effort of making the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea. They did want tea, now they don’t. Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk. And it’s okay for people to change their mind, and you are still not entitled to watch them drink it even though you went to the trouble of making it.

If they are unconscious, don’t make them tea. Unconscious people don’t want tea and can’t answer the question, “Do you want tea?” because they are unconscious.

Okay, maybe they were conscious when you asked them if they wanted tea, and they said yes, but in the time it took you to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk they are now unconscious. You should just put the tea down, make sure the unconscious person is safe, and â€" this is the important bit â€" don’t make them drink the tea.


    If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it and then passed out before they’d finished it, don’t keep on pouring it down their throat.


If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it and then passed out before they’d finished it, don’t keep on pouring it down their throat. Take the tea away and make sure they are safe.  Because unconscious people don’t want tea. Trust me on this.

If someone said “yes” to tea around your house last Saturday, that doesn’t mean that they want you to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you to come around unexpectedly to their place and make them tea and force them to drink it going, “BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST WEEK,” or to wake up to find you pouring tea down their throat going “BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST NIGHT.”

And that’s how you do that. The genius of this metaphor basically exposes everything â€" EVERYTHING! â€" that’s wrong with the unevolved dinosaurs who think the issue of consent is a complicated one. It’s not. It’s tea. Freakin’ brilliant.

Bonus? It also works on kids. Just replace tea with ice cream. Though we suppose that works for adults, too.

[Aletheia]

Lot of crickets out there.

I hope this hasn't become one of those issues where nobody talks because fear of being misunderstood overrides the need to discuss such things. If a person wants to joke, then by all means joke. The comments on this article were filled with rampant use of the metaphor in various, and perhaps unintended, ways. If someone disagrees, then please share your thoughts. When such things are not shared, then solutions are not possible. Applying a band-aid to what you think is a small wound is ineffective when in reality the wound is extensive and life-threatening.

In typed discussions there is opportunity to review over what people have said, which makes it easier to review over their meaning and finally grasp it, as well as being easier to find the flaw in someone's logic.

[stromboli]

I can only say that I have never-fortunately- been in the situation where consent was called for. But then my sexual experience was limited prior to marriage, so not many opportunities where the issue would come up. The women I had relations with were all obviously willing and participated, so there was never any coaxing or questions to ask.

And don't take it personal, Aletheia. It is a good topic. I've put stuff on here that I thought was pure gold that was completely ignored. don't ask me. Can't give you a reason, honestly.

[kilodelta]

I've been a bit lazy recently. There's a joke about two girls and a cup in there somewhere... could someone complete that for me?

[Aletheia]

Perhaps it has more to do with the idea that this is a predominately female topic, which it isn't.

I know one of my friends, who happened to be male, was severely intoxicated over at another friend's house. There was a girl there who we only knew at a distance. This girl had the hots for my male friend, but he wasn't interested. He didn't have a girlfriend or anything; he just didn't want what she had to offer. So, when we go to leave we ask him to come with us, but he says he's too tired to even move. We figured he was in good hands with the owners of the house (friends we knew). The story he had to tell when we met up with him again wasn't a particularly pleasant one.

Apparently, little miss thing decided that semi-coherent meant he was in the mood. He remembers someone playing the ol' flute but at the time he didn't know if he was dreaming or not. Later on, she tried to go cowgirl style on him, for an undetermined amount of time he drifted in and out of consciousness. The following morning she was worried because the condom had broke. He was freakin' clueless about what she was talking about. Then she started telling everyone they had sex and his friends assumed he wasn't being responsible.

I took the time to learn a little more about this particular girl. This wasn't the first time a guy had brought up the idea that he wasn't a willing participant - or a full conscious one for that.

Just as in raping a woman you are forcing the possibility of them being a mother against their will. In cases of raping a man, you are forcing the possibility of them being a father against their will. Sadly, in such cases, the male victim is not only blamed but can be forced to pay child support to his rapist. I don't care how a person feels about the gender issues - that's fucked up no matter how you slice it.

[Aletheia]

I've been a bit lazy recently. There's a joke about two girls and a cup in there somewhere... could someone complete that for me?

There's this joke about two girls and a cup... nevermind, it's a shitty joke.

[kilodelta]

There's this joke about two girls and a cup... nevermind, it's a shitty joke.

Oh. Then I guess I wouldn't want to hear it then.

As for the original post. It's good. I don't see anything wrong with the analogy or anything to add to it.

But, it reminded me of this Sarah Silverman Tweet:

[AllPurposeAtheist]

I like the metaphor..It's straight forward,  but a tad long winded.
Ok  I skimmed it after two or so paragraphs then reskimmed it and the first few paragraphs got the point across.. I guess what was missing was the sense of entitlement so many people seem to think they have or deserve.. Just because my dick might be hard doesn't mean it has to be parked anywhere else besides my pants and the same holds true for women.  Just because your twat is damp doesn't mean my dick has to do a damned thing.. It's not rocket science..
Thanks Alethia..

[Green Bottle]

Good post Aletheia, cant think of anything to add to it.....

[hrdlr110]

Lot of crickets out there.

I hope this hasn't become one of those issues where nobody talks because fear of being misunderstood overrides the need to discuss such things. If a person wants to joke, then by all means joke. The comments on this article were filled with rampant use of the metaphor in various, and perhaps unintended, ways. If someone disagrees, then please share your thoughts. When such things are not shared, then solutions are not possible. Applying a band-aid to what you think is a small wound is ineffective when in reality the wound is extensive and life-threatening.

In typed discussions there is opportunity to review over what people have said, which makes it easier to review over their meaning and finally grasp it, as well as being easier to find the flaw in someone's logic.

I reckon if the tea is hot (subjective), the person is more likely to want to drink it. Except for Americans, most people don't like iced tea. And don't put milk in their tea without asking first. Tea can be nice with or without milk, but not everybody is ready for the added emotional and financial costs related to having milk in their tea. Some can't produce milk, and that is why we have shops, so that you can purchase milk.

[AtheistLemon]

I reckon if the tea is hot (subjective), the person is more likely to want to drink it. Except for Americans, most people don't like iced tea. And don't put milk in their tea without asking first. Tea can be nice with or without milk, but not everybody is ready for the added emotional and financial costs related to having milk in their tea. Some can't produce milk, and that is why we have shops, so that you can purchase milk.

If the tea is nice, they may even enjoy the flavor of the tea while you're forcing them to drink it.  However, they're still not going to like you forcing them to drink it, even if they do like the tea.

Wow, this tea metaphor actually works really well.

[Aletheia]

Yeah, the metaphor does have many applications, even beyond consent issues. 

Let's say the person goes against the tradition of drinking tea and prefers coffee instead. No matter how much you may offer them tea, set them up with others for "tea time," or tell them repeatedly how nasty coffee is, this won't change the fact they like coffee. This will, however, change the person's view of you.

If a person happens to like drinking coffee as well as tea, then it is quite rude to tell them they need to pick one or they are confused. Obviously they aren't confused - they can tell the difference between coffee and tea. It's downright idiotic to tell them there's no such thing as a person who likes both tea and coffee, especially when you see a person drinking tea one day and coffee the next.