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The Joke Thread!

Started by Farroc, March 05, 2013, 10:10:31 PM

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[spoil:21qfglv9]Twelve Catholic Priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A guy is traveling cross-country, and stops at a small diner, where the special of the day is a bowl of chili. He's really hungry, and the chili sounds good, so he asks his server for a bowl. She promptly tells him that the guy sitting next to him at the counter has the last of it. He looks over, sees that the guy is just sitting there, staring at the bowl, and says to the guy, "Hey, are you going to eat that?" The guy says he isn't, so he asks if he can have it himself, which the guy agrees to. He starts chowing down, and about half-way through, he discovers a dead mouse in the bowl and starts to vomit back into the bowl. The guy next to him says, "That's about how far I got too!"

An old couple was going to bed. As soon as they were under the covers, the old man rips a big fart. His wife looks at him and he says. "Fart football, I'm up 7-0" His wife gives him a sidelong glance but doesn't say anything. A little while later she lets a fart and says, "7-7". The old man doesn't say anything but answers back with a fart soon enough and says "14-7". It doesn't take long until the old woman ties the score, then within a minute squeaks out a little one. The old man remarks sarcastically, "What was THAT?" "Field goal" she replies, "I'm up 14-17" This made the old man mad. He didn't like being behind so he tried really hard and bigger than Dallas, he shits the bed. His wife screams "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!" Sheepishly the old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

A little boy is sitting on a park bench eating candy bars one after the other. Unwrapping, eating, unwrapping, eating. Finally a man sitting on another bench says, "Little boy, don't you know that is bad for you?" "You will get fat, your teeth will rot and you will get acne." The little boy says with wide eyed amazement, "But my Grandpa lived to be 110 years old" The man, now confused says, "and he ate candy bars like that?" "No." says the little boy, "He minded his own fucking business"

A farmer goes into the local town to buy some livestock. He goes into the appropriate store and asks for a rooster.

"Sir, we don&#039t call them roosters around here. We call them cocks."

"Whatever. I need to buy a cock then. I&#039ll also need a hen, too."

"Sir, we don&#039t call them hens around here. We call them pullets."

"I don&#039t care," the farmer sighs. "I&#039ll buy a pullet, in that case. I also need to buy a donkey."

"Sir, we don&#039t call them donkeys around here. We call them asses."

"Fine, fine, I want an ass then." The storekeeper sells him the animals, and with that he leaves back for his farm.

On the way out of town, the farmer is further frustrated because the donkey keeps stopping to scratch an itch on its side. It keeps trying to do it with its foot, but it just can&#039t reach. The farmer wants to help it relieve the itch, but he&#039s holding the two birds and doesn&#039t want them to fly away. As he approaches a villager on the road, he asks:

"Excuse me, sir, but could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

Three explorers got lost in the jungle and ended up being captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribe leader says: "Go into the jungle and pick 3 pieces of fruit and insert them into your anus. If you get them all in without making a sound, we won't eat you". The first man went into the jungle and came back with tomatoes. He slowly inserted the first one into his anus but he gave out a scream and was eaten by cannibals. The second man went into the jungle and came back with grapes. He slowly inserted one grape into his anus without making a sound, then inserted the second. He was just about to insert the third when he burst out laughing and was eaten by cannibals. In heaven, the first man said: "why did you laugh when you were so close?" the man replied: "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples"

A man was found dead in bath tub filled with corn flakes & milk. Police suspect a cereal killer.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I&#039m the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, shes the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to take care of your needs, so well call you the people. The nanny, we&#039ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

There was a fire in the Whitehouse library last night. President Bush was devastated; both of his books were destroyed, and he hadnt even finished coloring the second one.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and says,"Man, it's hot as hell in here isn't it." The other muffin looks at the first muffin and says,"OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!

The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $100,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mob soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends their toughest enforcer to "deal with da situation".

Well, it doesn't take long for the enforcer to find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with him, so the hood drags the guy to an interpreter.

The hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 S&W and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man frantically signs back, "The $100,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and furthermore, he doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

In the days just before the final judgement, Satan decides to be lienient on the next three Humans to fall. And chooses to test them for a return to Life.

The first guy: An alcoholic, who in his gluttonous state, drank himself to death. Was given the option to spend 100 years in a locked room with only the best Beverages ever known. He Gladly accepted and was locked away.

The second guy: An Adulterer, Died of a heartattack while cheating on his wife, took the option of 100 years in a room with the most beautiful women to have ever lived. He, as well, accepted the offer. In turn was lock away.

The Third: Your Hippy next door. The First ever known, Marijuana overdose, was given 100 years In the largest field of the Greatest strains of weed ever created. Like the others, he is happier than a pig in shit, and is locked away.

100 years later:

Guy 1: The Alchoholic, Is released and stumbles out of the room Fat, Bloated, disgusting, And with a 100 year hang over. "I swear, I'll never Ever Drink again." Pleased with the out come, Satan gives him another chance at living.

Guy 2: The Adulterer, upon the door opening, he comes out, reaking of perfume, with the best hair in the Underworld, And Queer as a three dollar bill. "I don't think I'll ever look at women the same way again."
Amuzed Satan releases him the land of the living.

Guy 3: The Pothead... After opening the door Satan sees that hardly any of the crops have been touched and after wandering around for a few minutes he hears someone crying softly. He finds the Pothead in a shallow hole. "What's wrong?" Satan asks. With a tear in his eye, The Pothead looks up and says "You got a lighter, Man?"

Two cowboys are riding through a canyon, when off in the distance they hear the sound of Indian drums. One cowboy says to the other, "I don't like the sound of those drums!" And from across they canyon they hear a voice call out, "HE'S NOT OUR NORMAL DRUMMER!"

Pierre, the French fighter pilot(hold the chuckles, this ain't the entire joke) and his girlfriend are out on a leisurely picnic enjoying fine Parisian cheeses and wines when caught up in the moment Pierre's girlfriend murmurs,
"Kiss me Pierre."
He pulls a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon out of the picnic basket and proceeds to pour it across her face then passionately kiss her.
"Pierre, what did you do that for?"
"I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and with red meat I like red wine."
Stirred by the intimate turn the picnic is taking, she slips the top of her dress over her shoulders and says in a seductive tone,
"Kiss me lower Pierre."
Pierre responds by pulling a moderately aged Pinot Griggio from the picnic basket and pours it across her supple breasts then licking and kissing them clean. Aroused now Pierre's girlfriend asks once more
"Pierre, what did you do that for?"
"I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and with white meat I like white wine."
Pierre's girlfriend then removes the rest of her dress and stands before him and gestures none too subtlely at her woman parts
"Kiss me lower Pierre!"
He responds by pulling a bottle of aged cognac from the basket, pouring it on her crotch and lighting it on fire. Horrified she puts the fire out and screams,
"I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames!"[/spoil:21qfglv9]
"The idea of getting a, y\'know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act." -Bill Hicks


The local convent was organizing a charity bakesale with a nearby monastery, but with some last-minute difficulties, Brother Gregory had to walk over to the convent so that he and the Mother Superior could iron out the problems.

Now, the convent was in a pretty rough part of town, and Brother Gregory had to make his way past whores plying their trade. Finally, though, he got to the convent, where he and the Mother Superior got down to business. After making all the arrangements, the nun asked the monk if he had any more questions.

"Why, yes, Mother Superior," he said, and explained how he had walked over to the convent. "Now, I know what a 'good time' is, Mary Agnes," he finished up, "But what, pray tell, is a 'blow job'?"

"Oh," she replied, "Ten bucks, same as downtown."
<insert witty aphorism here>


Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help. He shouts at the emergency operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do!?"

"Calm down", the operator says. "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."

The phone goes silent for a second, then the operator hears a gunshot.

"Ok", says the hunter, "now what?"
<insert witty aphorism here>


A man boards an airplane, and who's in the seat next to him - the pope! The man is nervous, excited, and trying to think of something to say.

The pope is doing a crossword puzzle, and the man says "So, your Holiness, do you enjoy crossword puzzles, too?"

The pope responds "Yes, my son."

The man thinks to himself, wow that was a dumb question - I blew it.

Just then, the pope leans over and asks "What's a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in U-N-T?"

The man, terrified, thinks: oh, dear. I know the answer, but it's such a terribly vulgar word, I can't... oh wait! He blurts out "Yes, your eminence! The word is "AUNT."

The pope says "Ah, yes, of course. Do you have an eraser?"
<insert witty aphorism here>


Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."

"What," the other asks, "green?".

"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
<insert witty aphorism here>