I'm slowly becoming an atheist and I'm terrified (HELP!)

[Lisa360]

I apologize for any grammatical errors. It's been a long night...

I'm in my late 20's and I come from an extremely religious Pentecostal upbringing. Anyone who comes from a charismatic christian background knows it's the most emotionally manipulative of all. I've never been baptized or spoken in tongues but I've always felt the overwhelming pressure to raise my hands and act the part.

Problem is, I've played the part too well and my family have no idea how fake and uncomfortable I've always felt.

I'm going through a difficult journey of confronting myself and realizing the the voice of "God" in my head when I pray and that feel good sensation I get when there's a worship song playing are all manifestations of my imagination. I feel terrified and guilty for feeling these things. I've been listening to Hitchens' debates & the Atheist Experience on YouTube and I know in my mind that what they're saying is true but I feel literally enslaved by my indoctrination. I'm terrified. What if I'm wrong and the Christians are right and I go to hell? Obviously this is illogical but it still hold such a massive power over me that I can't shake it. I feel like Christianity has completely robbed me of the freedom my friends who grew up in secular households have.

Obviously there are a lot of issues here but the most pressing is that my parent's are becoming more and more demanding of me since I recently moved out of the house. They question me when they don't see me in church and the whole thing has made me feel more distant from them. I know if I tell them they'll literally die of shock and be miserable for ever. This is so true to them that they will never accept it. My entire family is a bunch of tongue speaking devout Islanders (Caribbean) WTF is a girl to do?

[PickelledEggs]

Welcome!

I'm terrified. What if I'm wrong and the Christians are right and I go to hell?

If you don't believe and there is a god, that god must be very inconspicuous and must not really care if you believe or not. If it turns out we are all wrong and we are being judged, I would certainly think god would appreciate our honesty. As long as you are a good person, it doesn't matter if you don't have faith.

Enjoy your stay in heathenland!  :-D

[Hijiri Byakuren]

Well that is quite a pickle, and I may not be the best person to give advice seeing as I've only ever been an atheist. I have, however, dealt with anxiety, so I can at least relate on that front.

In my case, I've always found it helpful to find someone to talk to. I live in Washington State, so other atheists aren't hard to come by, but I don't know if that's the case for you. If it isn't, coming to a site like this is also helpful, if perhaps not so much as a face-to-face chat. Talking about your fears, no matter how irrational, is the best first step in overcoming them. You clearly know that your fears are irrational, judging from your post, so you just need to make that next leap toward conversation about them.

As far as your parents go, if you're financially independent I would just go ahead and tell them. It may shock them as you've said, but it's ultimately better to be completely frank with your folks instead of constantly hiding what you really think. It would be a huge weight off your chest, if nothing else. (If you are not financially independent, you'll have to keep it to yourself, even if that becomes psychologically damaging in the long term. I've heard too many horror stories to recommend otherwise.) Be prepared for backlash, though, and don't try to have a deep conversation about it unless you're able to go in with a steel resolve: A confrontation with deeply religious family members, especially your parents, is going to get emotional very quickly, and it's pretty much required that you have your poker face on the entire way through.

I hope that helps.

[Lisa360]

Thank you so much for your response. Unfortunately the atheist well near me looks pretty dry. But maybe not. I'm open to connecting with more like minded folks.

It's a weight off my shoulder to even discover this online community and read people's experiences here.

As for finance. I'm as financially independent as a college grad, loan paying 20 something in an entry level position could be. I don't depend on my parents for anything however I always fear that I may need to move back in with them at any given moment. But that just comes with the territory of being newly independent. I do realize that I'm going to have to put on my big girl panties and come out eventually. I see them getting more and more anxious about my soul the more I stay passive and I really just want to put an end to everyone's anxiety, including my own.

[PickelledEggs]

Thank you so much for your response. Unfortunately the atheist well near me looks pretty dry. But maybe not. I'm open to connecting with more like minded folks.

It's a weight off my shoulder to even discover this online community and read people's experiences here.

Well, you have us here on the forum for you. I wish I had some way to relate and help, but like Hijiri in Washington state, I'm in North Jersey and strict christians aren't as common. But I bet some other members should be able to have a better feel from what you are going through and be able to give some relate-able advice!

[Lisa360]

Welcome!

I'm terrified. What if I'm wrong and the Christians are right and I go to hell?

If you don't believe and there is a god, that god must be very inconspicuous and must not really care if you believe or not. If it turns out we are all wrong and we are being judged, I would certainly think god would appreciate our honesty. As long as you are a good person, it doesn't matter if you don't have faith.

Enjoy your stay in heathenland!  :-D

Lol Here's how it would go:

Me: Oh shit God, you're real
God: Yep. It's judgment time, bitches!
Me: Yeah...um...I know I wasn't a christian and all but at least I kept it real, eh? What do ya say?
God: Your soul is required in HELL!

Okay obviously I have an imagination...OBVIOUSLY. But you get the point.  

And to Christians they don't care about being a good person. They literally only care about being good Christians. This is one of the many things that turned me off to it. If I would call someone a "good person" everyone would scoff at me as If I'd dropped the N-bomb. Like *Gasp* "How uncouth. That's something an atheist would say".

[AtheistMoFo]

AtheistMoFo, like Hijiri Byakuren, was not brought up in a theist environment, so it is difficult to feel the pain of your situation from a first-hand point of view.  But  hey, it kind of sounds like you are putting us on.  Late 20s and still not sure if Santa is real?

So what if all of us are wrong and the christians are right.  Or maybe the mulsims are right.  or maybe the jews.  or maybe the catholics,  or the wicans, or pagans, or voodoo doeers.  You can't be 'em all!

Like PicklledEggs says, if some gods or goddesses really do exist, whether catholic or holocaust or christion or whatever the fuck kind of gods/goddesses they are, wouldn't they be more likely to judge you by your content rather than how many different "tounges" you speak?

When in doubt, drop back five yards and bunt.  or punt.  or

[Lisa360]

AtheistMoFo, like Hijiri Byakuren, was not brought up in a theist environment, so it is difficult to feel the pain of your situation from a first-hand point of view.  But  hey, it kind of sounds like you are putting us on.  Late 20s and still not sure if Santa is real?

So what if all of us are wrong and the christians are right.  Or maybe the mulsims are right.  or maybe the jews.  or maybe the catholics,  or the wicans, or pagans, or voodoo doeers.  You can't be 'em all!

Like PicklledEggs says, if some gods or goddesses really do exist, whether catholic or holocaust or christion or whatever the fuck kind of gods/goddesses they are, wouldn't they be more likely to judge you by your content rather than how many different "tounges" you speak?

When in doubt, drop back five yards and bunt.  or punt.  or

AtheistMoFo there's no need to be condescending. I understand I'm putting myself out there to people who don't share my background but I was hoping someone on here could relate. Religion and believing in Santa may be the same to you but to the vast majority of people that's their reality. You should be extremely glad you don't have any mind control bullshit to overcome, not judgmental of others. I envy you. That's nice...but leave the superiority complex for another post.

As for if atheist are wrong, I never had to ask that as a Christian. Christians believe they're the only one's who are right so why question what if you're wrong, right? It's them vs. everyone else. I guess to put it in terms you might understand what if I held up my fists and said, one of these holds a million dollars and the other one holds (insert terrible thing), you pick one, but hesitate before the answer is revealed. What if the prize is in the other hand? That's basically what I meant. But whatever obviously this is moot.

[PickelledEggs]

Me: Oh shit God, you're real
God: Yep. It's judgment time, bitches!

:rollin:

Think of it this way. At least you know you're not praying to the WRONG god, if there is one.  

If you were praying to Yahweh and really we were all supposed to be praying to Assur, you're still going to burn. And NO ONE believes in Assyrian mythology anymore. So if ancient Assyrians were right we're all screwed anyway.... although, I'm not sure about their policy of non-belief... we might be fine haha.

the main thing is dealing with your family. don't worry about what an imaginary friend is going to do to you.

[Hijiri Byakuren]

Me: Oh shit God, you're real
God: Yep. It's judgment time, bitches!

:rollin:

Think of it this way. At least you know you're not praying to the WRONG god, if there is one.  

If you were praying to Yahweh and really we were all supposed to be praying to Assur, you're still going to burn. And NO ONE believes in Assyrian mythology anymore. So if ancient Assyrians were right we're all screwed anyway.... although, I'm not sure about their policy of non-belief... we might be fine haha.

the main thing is dealing with your family. don't worry about what an imaginary friend is going to do to you.

Made me think of this for some reason:

[youtube:2qx8eymu]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36uAoe8e2dY[/youtube:2qx8eymu]

[stromboli]

Welcome. I left the Mormon church in 1992 and silly me, joined a Pentecostal church. That whole speaking in tongues thing got me weirded out, quite frankly. I understand your situation, seriously. Religion is ingrained deep and the coming out part is hard. You have been taught something so long that the idea of it not being true is very hard to absorb, that your life to a large extent is based on a lie.

We run the gamut here, people like myself who were religious for most of their lives, others who never were involved. You will get all manner of responses. But stick around, you'll get an education. And don't be afraid to ask questions. That is why we are here.

[Hijiri Byakuren]

But stick around, you'll get an education.

Or a thrashing, depending on what mood some of the members are in. But mostly an education, yes.

[stromboli]

But stick around, you'll get an education.

Or a thrashing, depending on what mood some of the members are in. But mostly an education, yes.

There is a combative atmosphere at times, yeah. A thickening of the skin can be useful.

[Insult to Rocks]

Hello! I was in a situation much like yours growing up, though I didn't realize how bad it was until my Catholic family moved in with my gun-toting Jehovahs' Witnesses relatives. My advice? Go naturalist. Spend some time getting to know the inner workings and majesty of nature. There is plenty of secular options for the study, and if your family asks, and you're still nervous/worried, tell them that you're "getting in touch with God through his works in nature". That should buy you some time to come up with a more effective plan for dealing with them.
As for the anxiety itself, I understand how nerve racking it can be, as do many of the others on the forums. It helps to think of it like this: if there is a God, and he is petty enough to doom you for mere doubts and intelligent thought, than he is most likely not worthy of our worship, and might not be as powerful as we think if he's really that self-conscious.

[Poison Tree]

I'm not going to pretend I know what you are going through, but I had a somewhat analogous situation. I was raised Seventh Day Adventist--even went to SDA schools. Seemed like, not just my family, but everyone I knew was SDA. In high school I started a pre-baptizmal class and realized that I did not actually believe what I was learning. It took me years (close to a decade, really) to eventually work out that I was actually an atheist. I'm a bit embarrassed to that say I spent a good portion of that early time trying to "fix" my doubts. When something has had your entire formative years to get its claws into you, it is unrealistic to expect to shake loose overnight. Even several years after I was knowingly an atheist I would still occasionally catch myself mid-prayer, just out of old habit.

It seems to me that, besides your old faith still having a redoubt or two, your major conflict is between the love you have of your parents (not wanting to cause them pain, still wanting to say on good terms with them) and the desire to be true to who you are now (please, correct me if I'm wrong). This is a tricky situation and one that no one is in a position to judge except you.

However, I'm going to offer a word of caution: when you tell someone, be prepared for others to know, even if you hope they don't yet. The first time I say "I'm an atheist" to other people was when  it came up in conversation with my sister, her husband and one mutual friend. I had reached the point where I felt I couldn't lie about who I was, but wanted to choose when and how I told people. Unfortunately, I did not really get that change as my sister started telling others I was an atheist (I happened to over hear her personally tell others on 3 occasions and others besides ended up knowing before I could tell them--including people who, frankly, had no business knowing my personal life). Now, I don't know that anything similar will happen with you (I certainly hope it does not), but it is something you should (and probably have) already considered.

One other piece of advice I'd give you is, consider looking for someone close to you with chink in their armor, so to speak, and starting with them. Maybe you have an uncle who is too broad minded/liberal about religion or a father who likes ideas, even heretical ones (I lucked out with both; I thank their Canadian boyhoods). Don't just blurt out "I'm an atheist", but casually mention strange things in religion (especially OTHER religions; it's always easier to see the speck in your brother's eye). With my father I spent months (turning to years) beating around the bush. Lots of short conversations. Islam inspires terrorist; what Imam does the Irish Republican Army follow? Felling him out, so to speak. Eventually I could talk to him about atheist things and fell like he listens and understands. I managed to get him to read Letter to a Christian Nation--his response was, in part, "there is nothing in this book that he is wrong about"--so then I got him started on Why People Believe Weird Things. When I started I only expected to get half this far with him, but I really lucked out. Hopefully you will too. (I have a de facto "don't talk about it" rule with my mother, and never know when I'll hit a wall with my sister--one particular time an off hand comment by me drew a response of "we don't criticize people's religion in this house" from her right after she had spent 90 minutes complaining to me about "Republicans forcing their religion into my uterus"  :???: ).

Wow, this got to be a lot more about me than I had intended, but I hope there was even a word in there that you find helpful or encouraging. Just remember, we're all not praying for you    And with that (failed) attempt at humor--and an eye on the retreating hour--I 'm off to [s:34vtfulm]serf the net for the next two hours, pretending I'm not as tired as I am[/s:34vtfulm] bed