HI Everyone! Deconverted

[baddarryl]

I stumbled across this forum while randomly looking up things on Atheism. I can identify with so much on this forum. It is like when I first attended Narcotics Anonymous many years ago. I there felt I found people finally that 'get me'. I grew up with a previous Catholic family that rarely if ever took me to church. I had the old dude in the chair vision of him and that was as complex as it got. In NA I developed my own "loving and caring" God that worked for a while, but never really believed other than what I tried to tell myself what it was. In my 20's I traveled to countries with different beliefs. By the time I was 30 I figured there was a god, but no one has any idea who he is, or everyone interprets him in their own way.

In my early 30's I met and had kids with a woman that found Jesus in church after years of addiction. We married and I started attending to keep her company. The pastor was a former corporate salesman and before long I raised my hand. I used to tell people that god was able to enter the one tiny crack in my brain at that particular time of my life that allowed him access. I previously vehemently opposed the idea of a christian God. Suddenly I found myself heavily involved in church, going to bible study and playing bass on the worship team. I began spewing stuff out of my mouth that I could not believe I was saying. That was explained to me as the transformation of the holy spirit.

In the midst of all of this my now ex wife began using again, cheating, and abandoned me to raise 2 kids on my own. We went several years with her almost total absence from my kids lives. Between asking God what happened to the "new creature in christ", begging him to come into my heart to allow me to witness, and the utter preposterousness of the beliefs of the people in the church as far as the age of earth, evolution and countless other things, I started to have my doubts as to Gods existence. I saw families fall apart and God continually fail to deliver. Every time this happened and other people "fell" the excuse was either it wasn't Gods will, he had some other purpose, it was Satan, or the person just didn't have enough faith. All the while long prayer sessions irritated me and I couldn't witness because I thought I had no real argument. I guess I never really bought it hook line and sinker. Many many other events occurred to shatter my faith. I went to my pastor who was the worship leader who I considered a friend about this and told him I needed to step off of the worship team for a bit. He subsequently cancelled a landscaping contract I had with the church. I left that church, but never really walked away due to the fear they instill in you about rejecting christ. It is supposedly the one unforgivable sin.

Maybe a year went by and one day I visited a website that in an instant brought me back to every argument I ever had against a christian God. I had been asking him to confirm himself for quite some time and one day I bent down in prayer and said I don't believe in you, show yourself to me and I am walking away. 3 years and I haven't seen him yet. I am probably that happiest I have ever been. I am glad I found this forum. It is hard to share these feelings in the Bible belt, but these forums are helping me see I am far from alone.

[Hijiri Byakuren]

Congratulations on deconverting. Welcome to the Dark Side. =D>

[AllPurposeAtheist]

NA is also a load of bunk as is AA and the rest of the [_]A's. I shot heroin for a long time. I quit with the help of methadone and never attended an NA meeting except 1 which I walked out on after the 'higher power' bullshit was being spewed and bought hook, line and sinker.
Welcome and by the way I also raised two kids without my ex. She flew the coup when they were babies.

[Solitary]

:-D Welcome aboard baddarryl ! A lot of times when people give up religion they start to use drugs for the same reason---"religion is the opium of the people." It feels great to be free, but with that comes feelings of insecurity and responsibility that are hard to accept. I think it is worth it though. Good luck, and you're not alone here. Solitary

[Plu]

Welcome to the forums. Sounds like you've had an interesting life so far. Glad to hear you're happy now :)

[aitm]

welcome to the forum

[Savior2006]

Welcome and hell of a great story. Hope you stick around.

[Sal1981]

Welcome.

I like your story. We apostates should stick together, all those born-again atheists don't know what it's like. (j/k)

[Fidel_Castronaut]

Welcome to the forum :)

[SGOS]

Welcome.

[baddarryl]

Thanks everyone. Looking forward to finding more like minded people here. Impressed so far.