the other jokes

[Nobody]

"I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess."
🤣

[Nobody]

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I'm looking for some tablets of acetylsalicylic acid."
The pharmacist says, "Acetylsal...oh, you mean aspirin?"
"Yes! Aspirin!" Says the chemist. "I can never remember that word!"

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Ran into a lot of that at Purdue.

[Nobody]

"Along with 'antimatter' and 'dark matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'doesn't matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

[Gawdzilla Sama]

"Along with 'antimatter' and 'dark matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'doesn't matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

dontcarium

[Nobody]

I just heard some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that there's baseball in Heaven.
The bad news is that I'm pitching Thursday.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

?

[the_antithesis]

"Along with 'antimatter' and 'dark matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'doesn't matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

That's like the theory of mind over matter.

"If I don't mind, it can't matter."

[Gawdzilla Sama]

"Auntie Matter", when her diaper runs over.

[Nobody]

Hillbilly Medical Terminology

Bacteria - Back door of a cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel - A letter like A.E.I.O.U.
Cesarean section - District in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
D&C - Where Washington is
Diarrhea - Journal of daily events
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester  - Quicker
Fibula - A small lie
G.I. series - Soldiers' ball game
Grippe - Suitcase
Hangnail - Coathook
Impotent  - Distinguished, well known
Intense pain  - Torture in a teepee
Labor pain  - Got hurt at work

[Nobody]

More Hillbilly Medical Terminology

Medical staff - Doctor's cane
Morbid - Higher offer
Nitrate - Cheaper than day rate
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient  - Person who had fainted
Pelvis - Cousin of Elvis
Post operative - Letter carrier
Protein - Favoring young people
Rectum - it almost killed him
Recovery room - Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - Amorous
Scar - Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion  - Hiding anything
Seizure  - Roman emperor
Serology  - Study of knighthood
Tablet - Small table
Terminal illness  - Sickness at airport
Tibia - Country in North Africa
Tumor  - An extra pair
Urine  - Opposite of you're out
Varicose  - Located nearby
Vein - Conceited

[Hydra009]

NC slang gets to me sometimes, despite being a native.  Arctic sounds like "r-tik" - the middle part is completely silent.  Same deal with lots of words.  Aluminum has 4 syllables in most of the US (ah-lu-min-um), but I swear, we have it down to 3 or maybe 2 in some places.

And similar sounding words slur together because of a lack of emphasis.  So words like "daily" and "dairy" sound virtually the same.  Or "far" and "fire".

[Nobody]

When I was a kid, we said aluminum as "loom-num."

[Nobody]

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex,and I thought that was sweet of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I told them I wanna watch.

[Nobody]

I want to be a door-to-door wikipedia salesman so I won't have to carry around all those great big books.