the other jokes

[Nobody]

Have you taught the kid how to make John Wayne coffee?

[Hydra009]

Somewhere in the ocean, a ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying brown paint collided.

Everybody was marooned.

[Nobody]

I've been diagnosed with aibohpphobia, an irrational fear of palindromes! 😱

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Does Michael know you are Palin-ing?

[PopeyesPappy]

Why does Trump like to screw immigrants?


Because the one he is married to won't screw him.

[Cassia]

Boy, my step-mother is a terrible cook. She gave us alphabet soup, and my brother spelled out "help". What a bad cook. I mean, how can toast have bones?
-RD

[the_antithesis]

Grind your bones to make my bread... blender must've missed that one.

[Nobody]

Are bones gluten-free?

[the_antithesis]

Nope. You have to pay for it.

[Hydra009]

>plays a wargame with my brother because I thought it would be cool
>it simulates global military conflicts
>we decide to generate blocs purely randomly for a laugh
>my team: France, Italy, Iraq, India, South Vietnam
>his team: USA, Germany, Canada, China, South Korea
>I surrender.

[Hydra009]

*My face is mere inches away from a beautiful woman's face*
Me: "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to say"
Her: "Say it."
Me: "Sheshu-on...no, shish-you-on, saskatchewan, I think..."
Her: "Set-cuan"
Me: "Yeah.  With chicken please.  Oh, and one hot oil."
Her: "Coming right up!"

[Hydra009]

Me teaching someone english...I mean I teaching...you know what, I'm 90% sure that I was right the first time.  Anyways,

"English is super simple.  I'll teach you some easy words, alright?  Face = fey-s.  Façade = fah-saad.  Colon = kow-lon.  Colonel = ker-nel.  Biome = by-ohm.  Epitome = Eh-pit-oh-me.  Jaguar = Jag-wire"

*the other guy lights himself on fire and throws himself out the window*
I call down to him:  "The nouns are genderless!"
*the other guy puts himself out, re-enters, and sits down to continue the lesson*

[Nobody]

Ah, yes, I've seen this before - self-defenestration after (or during) spontaneous human combustion while trying to learn English is a common practice among a certain demographic.

[Cassia]

Me teaching someone english...I mean I teaching...you know what, I'm 90% sure that I was right the first time.  Anyways,

"English is super simple.  I'll teach you some easy words, alright?  Face = fey-s.  Façade = fah-saad.  Colon = kow-lon.  Colonel = ker-nel.  Biome = by-ohm.  Epitome = Eh-pit-oh-me.  Jaguar = Jag-wire"

*the other guy lights himself on fire and throws himself out the window*
I call down to him:  "The nouns are genderless!"
*the other guy puts himself out, re-enters, and sits down to continue the lesson*

My Portuguese roommate would say stuff like "throw me down the stairs my shoes"

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Ah, yes, I've seen this before - self-defenestration after (or during) spontaneous human combustion while trying to learn English is a common practice among a certain demographic.

Pollywannasyllable