Hey, I need advice

[wower0324]

Hi, I'm 21 years old junior in college. I haven't believed in a God for years, and this year I finally had the guts to tell two people. Not telling anyone/talking about it for so long was hard but I live in the South and most people I know are Christians. I told my best friend, who is a Christian, but she accepts me for me and it doesn't bother her.

However, I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year and we never have spoken much about religion. I told him I hate church and that was about it. I just recently told him I don't believe in a god or religion, while drunk. Not the smartest move, but anyway he freaked out and told me he does, definitely does he's a big Christian yada yada . Haven't talked about it since, what should I do about that?? I try to bring it up so he can just hear me out but he just says he doesn't want to talk about it. Its such an elepant in the room and our relationship is serious, like he wants to marry me. I just don't know what to do. Really religious people annoy me...not an ounce of me believes in a god and i see religion as stupid and don't understand how people believe..if they just used common sense..

Also, should I ever tell my parents? They are Christians, don't go to church too often but definitely very Christian. They drag me to church sometimes and I HATE it, literally can't stand it. Any thoughts on this? Im afriad it willl break my parents hearts, but they ask me questions regarding religion at times and i just wish they could know. Ugh.

[Agramon]

Your call on the parents. I left religion 3 years ago and I still haven't told my mom. I might never, it's not that important to me. Your mileage may vary.

As for the boyfriend, some couples manage to make it work, but in my experience those are few and far between (and the believing partner has to be pretty liberal in their belief structure). If he's in any way a fundy or super serious Christian, get the fuck out. You'll be better off for it.

[Plu]

This is a tough one, and really something that in the end you need to decide on.

On a personal level, I feel you should not be in a relationship unless everything can be discussed. A relationship is 100% about communication. So you really should sit him down and have this discussion. Including things like "how would we raise kids", if I were you. Because that one could be problematic if he's very religious.

You can't go on having a relationship where this topic goes ignored. It'll only grow over time, until it'll be uncontainable.

As to your parents. It's always a risk, because there's a chance they'll never forgive you. But you'll also continuously be in a relationship where you have to lie about who you are if you don't tell them. So I guess it's about what you value more: being yourself or being accepted by your family. Nobody make that decision for you.

Of course, there's also a good chance they'll just be shocked for a while and then accept you for it. But that's a judgement only you can make. If you go and tell them, make sure to sit them down one at a time. Otherwise they might get trapped in a negative feedback loop together and make the experience worse. And start with the one that you expect will give you time to sit the other down yourself and not immediately call them up to share the story in a less than positive way.

[Jason78]

On a personal level, I feel you should not be in a relationship unless everything can be discussed. A relationship is 100% about communication. So you really should sit him down and have this discussion. Including things like "how would we raise kids", if I were you. Because that one could be problematic if he's very religious.

Yes!  This!

100% this.  Communication and honesty are the bedrock of a solid relationship.

[Solitary]

Welcome aboardwower0324!  Good advice from all. Even though my wife and I get along very well, her religion comes first. Her love of God is greater than her love for me. I would never marry a Christian or believer again, and she feels the same way about marrying an atheist. She thinks I'm crazy, and I think she is delusional. Our children have kept us together out of respect for each other for what we've been through together in life.  :-| Solitary

[SGOS]

They drag me to church sometimes and I HATE it, literally can't stand it.

The parents issue aside, I can relate to this.  When I was very young, I hated church.  I didn't find anything meaningful there, but my parents made me go.  They knew I hated it, and must have eventually had a discussion between themselves about it.  One Sunday morning, they just announced I was old enough to decide for myself.  Well that was a load off, and pleased me very much.  I still went once in a while.

But I don't think hating church made me an atheist.  Not buying the bullshit made me an atheist.  If it sounds like bullshit, it's probably not going to be meaningful, and if it's not meaningful, going to church is pointless, and most people don't like to do pointless stuff.

I still called myself a Christian, but at some level, I kept thinking, "These people can't really believe all this stuff.  So other Christians like myself must be doing it for other reasons, maybe just a half assed attempt to ward off Hell, or to be in the right social circles.   But surely they don't believe in talking snakes and people coming back to life."

Ha!  It took years to sort through all of this logically.  Partly because I spend a lot of time just trying to find God.  If I could find him, well that would have settled it for me.  But I never found anything, not even any tracks, so to speak, that pointed to his existence.   Eventually, I just let it go.  It sounded too much like bullshit to be meaningful to me.  Other's seem to like the bullshit.  It's just not for me.

[wower0324]

Thank you all for replying!!! It means a lot! I think I'll stick to not telling my parents for awhile at least!

[the_antithesis]

I really hate these threads because I can't think of a single piece of advice that is given that is worth a dried out hamster turd. We really don't know you, your boyfriend or your parents, so we can't tell you what you need to do. We have no frame of reference. We don't know how they'll react. So don't ask a bunch of chodes on the internet for advice. If you do what we say, it can go very badly for you. Your parents could disown you and kick you out and stop paying your tuition, etc. This can happen if you tell them. This can happen if you don't tell them and they find out, truth has a nasty habit of coming out, and that makes them even madder because you kept it from them. Or maybe none of that happens. Don't ask us, man. We don't know.

[SGOS]

Don't ask us, man. We don't know.

Hey wait!  Just a second.  Oooh, I know.  I know.  Oooh, oooh, I've got the answer to this one.  I know what to tell her.

[LikelyToBreak]

Your parents your call.  But, I think your boyfriend needs bible lessons.  Not the cherry picking the church does, but reading it cover to cover straight through.  He can explain all of the contradictions to you as you go along.  I figure it would only take about 30 chapters to turn the Pope into an atheist, reading the bible like this.  

You can even cheat a little.  Go to: //http://www.evilbible.com/Biblical%20Contradictions.htm
Then you can ask him about the contradictions as you go along.  Don't forget about the asking him if he sees the atrocities as being good.  

One thing to keep in mind.  Atheists don't have sins.  So lying to protect yourself from others wrath is okay.  Lying to yourself is not. IMHO.

[aitm]

the obvious is obvious,, dump the shit head boy friend, he yammers about being a christain and all but I sure bet if you withheld some sex cause the babble is agin it, he would move on....you need a new fresh relationship....



have you been through the older man phase yet?

















well now wat?

[Johan]

I just recently told him I don't believe in a god or religion, while drunk. Not the smartest move, but anyway he freaked out and told me he does, definitely does he's a big Christian yada yada . Haven't talked about it since, what should I do about that?? I try to bring it up so he can just hear me out but he just says he doesn't want to talk about it. Its such an elepant in the room and our relationship is serious, like he wants to marry me.

Well for starters, don't marry him. At least don't consider it unless and until he is able to talk openly about your beliefs and his and until both of you can readily accept the others position on it.

Now if you'll allow me, I can't help but ask a question. He freaked out and said he's a big Christian. So... Is he? Your post makes it seem as though him being a big Christian might have come as a bit of a surprise to you. So is he a big Christian because he says he is, or is he a big Christian because he lives his life that way, i.e. no premarital sex, no four letter words, no drinking etc?

If his level of Christianity is as surprising as your post makes it seem, I suspect he might not be as much of a Christian as he claims. That doesn't necessarily change anything mind you. If he's not going to be comfortable in a relationship with an Atheist, then he's not. But if he's not as big of a Christian as he claims he is, then he might also be open to coming around to finding common ground with you. You never know. My advise would be to keep talking about it until its no longer an elephant in the room or an issue in your relationship. But be prepared to let it cost both of you your relationship if need be. Good luck to you.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

This is how I told the person that mattered to me.

[youtube:39vb9dex]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOBRnJABV80[/youtube:39vb9dex]

[Satt]

This topic reminds my of my favorite quote ever on this forum. It also happens to be in my signature line...

[PickelledEggs]

Welcome wower!

In the words of Dr. Seuss

"Say what you mean, mean what you say, because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind."

That is my advice. Just be honest with yourself and real with others. And to tell you the truth as a heads up, if it goes like it did for me and you do this, you will lose some friends, but you will also gain the right ones.
I have never been as happy as I am now because I don't call people my friends if they're not.