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Extraordinary Claims => Religion General Discussion => Other Religions => Topic started by: stromboli on February 04, 2014, 11:29:18 PM

Title: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: stromboli on February 04, 2014, 11:29:18 PM
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/02/0 ... down-there (http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/02/02/1274459/-BYU-encourages-students-to-rat-each-other-out-for-touching-themselves-down-there)

QuoteThe Housing and Student Living Office at Brigham Young University has a new video out and it's a doozy. Narrated by the president of BYU, Kim B. Clark, the video admonishes his students that not reporting your masturbating roommate to your friendly Bishop is exactly like leaving a wounded soldier for dead on the battlefield.

The video begins by introducing us to a hopelessly porn-addicted young man looking at naughty bits on his laptop. His neglectful roommate knows he's in there giving himself a little treat, yet does not storm in to remove his hairy palm from off his Johnson. For shame!

Cut away now to this horny young man in uniform, laying on the ground dazed and confused, while a battle rages around him. Apparently, no one gives a good damn about his predicament until his roommate a soldier spies him and is overcome by pity. In a fit of heroics, artillery exploding all around him, he dashes to the soldier's aid and rescues him in the nick of time. We then cut back to the dorm where, after having been thoroughly shamed into stopping with all that sordid tugging, we learn this lost soul is going to be okay, if not a little sexually frustrated.

The temptations of The Great War are many. The battle is real and the strategies are clever. The enemy is cruel, ruthless and relentless. We must not underestimate the danger. We must be vigilant and valiant.
A lonely confused young man gets addicted to pornography. His roommates know but they do nothing to help him. He stops going to church and there is darkness in his eyes. The young man is spiritually wounded on the battlefield of The Great War.

In our modern society, the enemy has spread fear of getting involved when someone's in trouble, and has fostered a social stigma against people who speak up in the face of evil. The enemy whispers, 'Don't get involved. It's not your problem. Don't tell. You'll be a tattletale.'

Oh brothers and sisters, don't leave the wounded on the battlefield. Stick together. You don't need to be a more righteous than thou person. We're all sinners. We all have troubles. We've all been spiritually wounded on the battlefield of The Great War. But you have felt the redeeming power of Christ. You who know his love and his grace, you know he can heal all wounds.

If you reach out in a spirit of love and humility, you can help the spiritually wounded find the savior. If you need to, talk to your bishop. Tell someone who can do something, that you have a friend in trouble. Don't be silent. Don't leave the wounded on the battlefield.

Throughout this, Clark doesn't mention just exactly what actions BYU or the church elders might take if a student gets outed for giving it a wank. Do they get demerits? Is their holy underwear swapped out for a hair shirt? Are they paraded through Temple Square with a giant red M stitched across their chest?
Something tells me that Kim B. Clark spends an inordinate amount of time worrying about all that monkey spanking going on. Perhaps he should find himself a hobby.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the level of control the LDS wants to instill in all the little minions. Get caught, totally stigmatized and carrying guilt for the rest of your life. And I bet it winds up on their permanent record. Seriously.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Damarcus on February 04, 2014, 11:58:43 PM
hey, internet porn is a gateway drug. One minute he's looking at porn on the internet the next he's wearing a fursuit and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs while a sexy dominatrix whips him repeatedly, thus bringing about the end times.

It's all in revelations, probably.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on February 05, 2014, 12:02:41 AM
NO! DON'T! God will burn you forever and ever and ever and ever and... When you have to pee just piss on the floor the way god intended!  :rollin:
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: The Skeletal Atheist on February 05, 2014, 12:28:53 AM
I masturbated for the first time yesterday and look what happened to me:
(//http://media.npr.org/assets/img/2013/07/15/t-rex-jurassic-park_wide-a2deb59155d62f291d237da020badc44ffeea557-s6-c30.jpg)

That's right, I turned into a motherfucking t-rex. You may think that's awesome, but now I can't masturbate due to my tiny arms.

DON'T MASTURBATE!
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on February 05, 2014, 12:31:01 AM
Oh bite me... No..wait. That didn't come out right.  :shock:
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Hijiri Byakuren on February 05, 2014, 12:39:43 AM
Quote from: "The Skeletal Atheist"That's right, I turned into a motherfucking t-rex.
[youtube:1eobm7x9]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNAU4Bwjyr8[/youtube:1eobm7x9]
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Atheon on February 05, 2014, 01:13:29 AM
Quote"...the video admonishes his students that not reporting your masturbating roommate to your friendly Bishop..."
Report to the Bishop about "beating the Bishop"?
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: stromboli on February 05, 2014, 01:22:48 AM
Send young men on missions. Some discover, after sleeping in the same apartment with a male other, they are gay. So get rid of the gay ones. Not allowed to jerk off in school so they will be horny little monsters that will be continually urged to marry soonest and replicate little Mormons, thus keeping numbers up. All part of the plan.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Hydra009 on February 05, 2014, 01:30:49 AM
I can't believe there's a social stigma on intruding in people's private lives, making them feel guilty over something that's pretty much harmless, and then proceeding to preach at them.  Egads, where have we gone wrong as a society?!

Also "wounded soldier" is slang for a masturbation-related injury.  Just fyi.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on February 05, 2014, 01:31:07 AM
All good old fashioned,  American,  man on top, woman on bottom,  get it over with quick sex...in the dark, under covers in your magic underwear!  Damned, that makes me wanna touch myself.  8-[  :-$
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: GrinningYMIR on February 05, 2014, 11:40:58 AM
Oh, you should have seen the shit they used to do to you for masturbating back in the medieval eras, they'd burn the sin away, or they'd put a chastity belt on you. Yes they made them for men, and they were quite painful

They were actually designed to stick a needle in your boy when you got a hard on  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: stromboli on February 05, 2014, 12:00:44 PM
Which gives me a great idea. A line of chastity belts, advertised by churches around the world. I'll be wealthy.  :-D
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Atheon on February 05, 2014, 12:21:04 PM
Interesting how these aging men are obsessed with the idea of young guys jacking off.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Hydra009 on February 05, 2014, 12:33:04 PM
Quote from: "Atheon"Interesting how these aging men are obsessed with the idea of young guys jacking off.
Religious types are fixated on the bedroom and controlling what goes on in it.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on February 05, 2014, 01:20:48 PM
In the whole vast universe and beyond there's only one thing that will send all those planets & stars into a cataclysmic tizzy.. YOU KNOW you're responsible for keeping order in the cosmos so plesse, I beg of you! DON'T touch "it"! :shock:  [-X  :-$
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: stromboli on February 05, 2014, 02:29:02 PM
So gay marriage is causing natural disasters, masturbation is ruining people and probably causing planetary misalignment, yet somehow molestation and rape of children is not harming the firmament in any way. So hurting yourself is bad, hurting others OK. Got it.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Hijiri Byakuren on February 05, 2014, 02:58:00 PM
Quote from: "stromboli"So gay marriage is causing natural disasters, masturbation is ruining people and probably causing planetary misalignment, yet somehow molestation and rape of children is not harming the firmament in any way. So hurting yourself is bad, hurting others OK. Got it.
Of course. As any Catholic priest will tell you, "God helps those who help themselves, and I'm helping myself to these little boys."
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on February 05, 2014, 03:34:35 PM
OK...you've been warned. Touch it and off to hell for you while the pure at heart get to smuggly snicker at your torment whilst kissing gods ass.  [-X  [-(
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Youssuf Ramadan on February 05, 2014, 03:42:02 PM
If fapping is a sin, I'm Satan's main man.   8-)


[youtube:1937nly7]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAWxTMxsgQ0[/youtube:1937nly7]
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on February 05, 2014, 04:07:28 PM
Quote from: "Youssuf Ramadan"If fapping is a sin, I'm Satan's main man.   8-)


Writer posted a YouTube video (//http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAWxTMxsgQ0)
Well that's just disgraceful and I'm forwarding that video to the "head" dude at the LDS!  :evil:  :-D
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: stromboli on February 05, 2014, 05:34:02 PM
Only in a religion based university would you have such a violation of privacy and civil rights, one that goes counter to known health benefits and truths about masturbation. The idea of someone spying on your personal and private habits is one of the things I found disgusting as a member, not to mention their need to track inactive members to constantly remind them of their membership and their "role" in the church.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Youssuf Ramadan on February 06, 2014, 12:00:00 PM
Quote from: "AllPurposeAtheist"
Quote from: "Youssuf Ramadan"If fapping is a sin, I'm Satan's main man.   8-)


Writer posted a YouTube video (//http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAWxTMxsgQ0)
Well that's just disgraceful and I'm forwarding that video to the "head" dude at the LDS!  :evil:  :-D

Excellent.   I hope he's wearing his fluffy glove!  :twisted:
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: irish on February 08, 2014, 03:16:20 AM
I really don't want to be with some roomie who can't keep his hands off his "down there" parts when I'm around.  Whether I'd "narc on my neighbor" is not relevant.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: irish on February 08, 2014, 03:17:51 AM
Quote from: "Youssuf Ramadan"
Quote from: "AllPurposeAtheist"
Quote from: "Youssuf Ramadan"If fapping is a sin, I'm Satan's main man.   8-)


Writer posted a YouTube video (//http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAWxTMxsgQ0)
Well that's just disgraceful and I'm forwarding that video to the "head" dude at the LDS!  :evil:  :-D

Excellent.   I hope he's wearing his fluffy glove!  :twisted:

Heh Heh Heh: what an honor to be Satan's main masturbation man.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: irish on February 08, 2014, 03:21:07 AM
Quote from: "AllPurposeAtheist"In the whole vast universe and beyond there's only one thing that will send all those planets & stars into a cataclysmic tizzy.. YOU KNOW you're responsible for keeping order in the cosmos so plesse, I beg of you! DON'T touch "it"! :shock:  [-X  :-$


Don't touch that; I wouldn't think of that; I'm too busy dreaming up miracles..............Never find one if you don't believe in one.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: irish on February 08, 2014, 03:24:54 AM
Quote from: "stromboli"So gay marriage is causing natural disasters, masturbation is ruining people and probably causing planetary misalignment, yet somehow molestation and rape of children is not harming the firmament in any way. So hurting yourself is bad, hurting others OK. Got it.


No one has ever said that the molestation and rape of children is not harmful.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: irish on February 08, 2014, 03:25:34 AM
Quote from: "stromboli"So gay marriage is causing natural disasters, masturbation is ruining people and probably causing planetary misalignment, yet somehow molestation and rape of children is not harming the firmament in any way. So hurting yourself is bad, hurting others OK. Got it.


No one has ever said that the molestation and rape of children is not harmful.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Youssuf Ramadan on February 08, 2014, 08:33:56 AM
Quote from: "irish"
Quote from: "stromboli"So gay marriage is causing natural disasters, masturbation is ruining people and probably causing planetary misalignment, yet somehow molestation and rape of children is not harming the firmament in any way. So hurting yourself is bad, hurting others OK. Got it.


No one has ever said that the molestation and rape of children is not harmful.

It's the church's priorities that are at issue here, not who exactly said what and when.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Jason78 on February 08, 2014, 09:16:47 AM
Quote from: "irish"No one has ever said that the molestation and rape of children is not harmful.

Except for pedophiles.  But I suspect that they have an agenda.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Jason78 on February 08, 2014, 09:19:36 AM
Quote from: "AllPurposeAtheist"In the whole vast universe and beyond there's only one thing that will send all those planets & stars into a cataclysmic tizzy.. YOU KNOW you're responsible for keeping order in the cosmos so plesse, I beg of you! DON'T touch "it"! :shock:  [-X  :-$

I thought that the baby Jesus killed kittens every time you did it?

No wonder the packs of feral cats around here have been getting worse!
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: irish on February 08, 2014, 12:11:41 PM
Quote from: "Youssuf Ramadan"
Quote from: "irish"
Quote from: "stromboli"So gay marriage is causing natural disasters, masturbation is ruining people and probably causing planetary misalignment, yet somehow molestation and rape of children is not harming the firmament in any way. So hurting yourself is bad, hurting others OK. Got it.


No one has ever said that the molestation and rape of children is not harmful.

It's the church's priorities that are at issue here, not who exactly said what and when.


No Church has a priority of molesting children.  Pedophile are everywhere.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Solitary on February 08, 2014, 02:51:48 PM
Quote from: irish"="Youssuf Ramadan"][quote="irish
Quote from: stromboli"]So gay marriage is causing natural disasters, masturbation is ruining people and probably causing planetary misalignment, yet somehow molestation and rape of children is not harming the firmament in any way. So hurting yourself is bad, hurting others OK. Got it.[/quote




No Church has a priority of molesting children.  Pedophile are everywhere

This may be true, however, when it is done outside of the Church the perpetrator is arrested when found out. It's also a bigger sin when a Priest does it that is suppose to represent a figure to look up to, trusted, and godliness. It can't get anymore hypocritical than that unless they killed the kids also. The cover up is a disgrace upon the Church and it's hierarchy that turns another cheek and does not report it to the police.  [quote="irish
[quote="stromboli"]So gay marriage is causing natural disasters, masturbation is ruining people and probably causing planetary misalignment, yet somehow molestation and rape of children is not harming the firmament in any way. So hurting yourself is bad, hurting others OK. Got it.[/quote




No Church has a priority of molesting children.  Pedophile are everywhere

This may be true, however, when it is done outside of the Church the perpetrator is arrested when found out. It's also a bigger sin when a Priest does it that is suppose to represent a figure to look up to, trusted, and godliness. It can't get anymore hypocritical than that unless they killed the kids also. The cover up is a disgrace upon the Church and it's hierarchy that turns another cheek and does not report it to the police.  :roll:  Solitary
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on February 08, 2014, 03:09:51 PM
Historically children have been treated as property and it wasn't really until the past few centuries that's changed, however the church doesn't have much of a track record in the change department.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: irish on February 08, 2014, 05:14:45 PM
No Church has a priority of molesting children.  Pedophile are everywhere  (Irish)

This may be true, however, when it is done outside of the Church the perpetrator is arrested when found out. It's also a bigger sin when a Priest does it that is suppose to represent a figure to look up to, trusted, and godliness. It can't get anymore hypocritical than that unless they killed the kids also. The cover up is a disgrace upon the Church and it's hierarchy that turns another cheek and does not report it to the police.  :roll:  Solitary[/quote]

Most children are molested in their home but no one reports it.  It's the little hidden secret.  I agree it brings disgrace on the Church.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on February 08, 2014, 08:34:38 PM
FREEZE! Undercover LDS touching yourself down there officer! You have the right to...HA! You have no rights. Your soul belongs to the LDS! Off to H E double for you OR you can pony up a few million bucks and God will forget the whole thing.   :roll:
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Youssuf Ramadan on February 09, 2014, 11:49:20 AM
Quote from: "irish"No Church has a priority of molesting children.  Pedophile are everywhere.

The Catholic Church seems to one of the highest proportions of kiddie-fiddlers of any group, religious or otherwise.  They need to be subject to the same laws as everyone else.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: the_antithesis on February 09, 2014, 11:56:22 AM
Quote from: "irish"I agree it brings disgrace on the Church.

No, what brings disgrace on the church is how they protected the perpetrators while not giving two crusty old shits about the victims, without whom they would have to get a job at Burger King.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: ApostateLois on May 10, 2014, 04:32:24 PM
I touched myself down there after reading this topic.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: stromboli on May 10, 2014, 07:23:51 PM
All I can say is the Navy ruined me.  :sad2:
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Aletheia on May 11, 2014, 03:49:26 AM
Nobody seems to notice how truly unhealthy the churches are. Seriously, they are concerned about what people do with their genitalia when alone? Outside of some novel scientific study or a really kinky fetish, I fail to see how masturbation effects other people, let alone interest, those who aren't invited to the "show."

Don't we have diseases to cure, wars to end, and poverty crises to resolve? Millions of years of evolution to create a complex brain and this is what we waste our time on?
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: phattmatt on May 18, 2014, 09:57:58 PM
How often does everyone touch themselves?  I think I average out at about three orgasms a day
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on May 18, 2014, 10:08:13 PM
Quote from: phattmatt on May 18, 2014, 09:57:58 PM
How often does everyone touch themselves?  I think I average out at about three orgasms a day
That might explain the whole homeless problem you're having. :think:
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: phattmatt on May 18, 2014, 10:25:06 PM
3 orgasms daily = no home

Tell me how that works?
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on May 18, 2014, 10:30:41 PM
If you jerk off 3 times a day I wouldn't give you a place to stay at my place. Nothing personal.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Hijiri Byakuren on May 18, 2014, 11:55:18 PM
Quote from: AllPurposeAtheist on May 18, 2014, 10:30:41 PM
If you jerk off 3 times a day I wouldn't give you a place to stay at my place. Nothing personal.
If you have issues with a 3 timer, you'd have conniptions if you knew my record.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: phattmatt on May 18, 2014, 11:56:15 PM
No one ever kicked me to the curb for masturbation
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: stromboli on May 19, 2014, 11:15:55 AM
Back to the OP you masturbating maniacs, you. The point being that any institution that forces what amounts to unnatural behavior on its followers is first of all controlling and secondly a violation of personal rights.


3 times? Light weight.  :naughty:
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on May 19, 2014, 03:40:02 PM
I know. I'm just an uncaring bastard. I don't want other guys laying about my place jerking off.

I'm sure there's a self help group for the likes of me,  but I'm not going to the meetings.  :think:
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: stromboli on May 19, 2014, 10:31:04 PM
When you have an environment that is averse to simple gratification and on top of that demonizes it as well, you got some fucked up people. Weird there are societies that put every sexual act into negative connotations and yet don't mind butchering people in movies or in person.

I remember Sam Peckinpah's "Wild Bunch" got an R rating. Midnight Cowboy was rated X for sexual content, including homsexuality. Considering that more real content and meaning was in the X rated flick, and made an actual comment on society, was just not allowable.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on May 19, 2014, 10:54:00 PM
And now hardcore porn is accessible to school children online and the stuff labeled as hardcore on porn sites seems rather mild now, almost like finding dads playboys in the garage. Come to think about it finding dads playboys was more titillating.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: Solitary on May 20, 2014, 01:13:42 AM
Quote from: stromboli on February 05, 2014, 12:00:44 PM
Which gives me a great idea. A line of chastity belts, advertised by churches around the world. I'll be wealthy.  <!-- s:-D -->:-D<!-- s:-D -->

That is really a good idea; and make it a law that all of clergy has to wear one all the time. It would take care of the abortion problem for them. Make them out of Kevlar with a krypton lock. Solitary
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: PickelledEggs on May 20, 2014, 01:19:02 AM
This thread is making me want to touch myself down there.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on May 20, 2014, 01:37:29 AM
Quote from: PickelledEggs on May 20, 2014, 01:19:02 AM
This thread is making me want to touch myself down there.
I know I'm just an uncaring bastard, but had no idea that admission would turn you on so much.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself &quot;Down There&quot;
Post by: PickelledEggs on May 20, 2014, 01:38:02 AM
Quote from: AllPurposeAtheist on May 20, 2014, 01:37:29 AM
I know I'm just an uncaring bastard, but had no idea that admission would turn you on so much.
:lol:

Sent via your mom.

Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on May 20, 2014, 02:09:42 AM
I need to cybersnoop on Miss Teen USA! :eek:
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: AllPurposeAtheist on May 20, 2014, 02:12:42 AM
Touching yourself "down there" is JUST LIKE losing a parent in a car crash!
Title: Re: I Touched Myself &quot;Down There&quot;
Post by: PickelledEggs on May 20, 2014, 11:00:17 AM
You have to ejaculate to prevent prostate cancer though.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn4861-frequent-ejaculation-may-protect-against-cancer.html#.U3ts9KMpDFo


For your health.
(http://i.imgur.com/HKq68K3.gif)

Sent via your mom.
Title: Re: I Touched Myself "Down There"
Post by: MagetheEntertainer on June 28, 2014, 02:34:15 PM
Reminds me of this Jehova witness video explaining why masturbating was wrong to deaf people.  Btw if your deaf how do you know whether or not you're a quiet masturbator?