Hello all,
I'm new to this forum and I tried searching for this topic and could not find any related threads, so I apologize if this discussion has already taken place.
I have lost both of my parents, a brother and many close friends to cancer and diabetes. When people in my life lose someone close to them, I struggle with words of comfort, even knowing that there really isn't much you can say to ease the pain, having gone through this several times myself.
I'm not going to tell anyone that they are in my prayers, which is what most people around me tend to say, because I don't pray and I'm not going to be a hypocrite.
Does anyone here have anything they say, other than, 'you are in my thoughts?' Which is usually what I say, but doesn't seem to be enough. Just wondering how other atheists feel about this and what words of encouragement or advise you might have.
"Reality is that which, doesn't go away when you stop believing in it."
I tell people I grieve with them and admit what they're going through isn't easy. There are a lot of ways to empathize without evangelizing.
Hello Artiedeco, welcome to our little band of heathens.
Before anything else: "you are in my thoughts" is not enough.
But then again, nothing is. It never is.
When we see someone we love lose someone, we want to take away their pain. But we can't. So it's never enough.
All we can do is show those left behind that we are there for them. That we will continue to be there. And that that person will continue to be there as well.
Say you're there for them. That you understand their pain. That they can call on you should they need so. That you'll listen and that you want to understand.
Say such things. But most of all, be there.
Again, welcome to our little band of heathens. I hope you'll like it here. More questions? Fire away.
Simply, "I am so sorry". There isn't anything else TO say. I'm an orphan as well, both of my parents and all of my grandparents, all gone. You don't have to fill any empty space with ridiculous platitudes or empty words like 'you'll see them again' or 'it all happens for a reason'. Don't be that guy.
A simple 'Hey, I am fucking sorry. That sucks.' goes a lot further than just filling in the blank spaces.
I agree with Tomfoolery. I let them know I am sorry for their loss. If they want to talk I listen, if they don't want to talk I give them their space. If the person is someone I know well I will try to do something like bring food, if it is a coworker offer to cover their shift, if it is a neighbor I will take their trash to the curb, stuff like that. Sometimes actions show support better than words.
Quote from: artiedeco on January 19, 2016, 04:43:57 PMI'm not going to tell anyone that they are in my prayers, which is what most people around me tend to say, because I don't pray and I'm not going to be a hypocrite.
Does anyone here have anything they say, other than, 'you are in my thoughts?' Which is usually what I say, but doesn't seem to be enough. Just wondering how other atheists feel about this and what words of encouragement or advise you might have.
Just say "I'm sorry for your loss. Move on."
"Please accept my condolences," is quite common, used frequently, and is almost always received well. It's a bit stifling to my ear, mostly because it sounds canned to me, and tends to become redundant when I've been on the receiving end. If I don't have anything more personal to say, I'll just say, "I'm very sorry." If the person was especially meaningful to me in some sort of personal way, I'll add something like, "I'm really going to miss that guy."
I remember years ago at my mother's wake. I had come home from college to attend the funeral. Night after night, there was a constant flow of mourners and friends, all acting appropriately somber, and concerned. It was nice of them of course, but on the second or third night, one of our closest family friends showed up, and with a big genuine smile, he shook my hand and simply said, "Dave, it's good to see you." That was hardly a typical show of support, and perhaps by some standard, not quite appropriate, but it was such a welcomed relief from the same old same old, that I actually loved that guy at that moment, and I was filled with gratitude for his presence. I think at times like that, it's probably most important to be genuine. At least it is to me.
It really doesn't matter what you say. I've been on the receiving end of those platitudes and, frankly, the words the person says don't really matter much. It's the fact that they cared enough to say them that has any real meaning. As a grieving person it doesn't matter to me if you said, "Tonight he'll drink in the Grand Hall at Valhalla." Yes, I'll think you were dropped on your head a few times as a child, but if that's what you actually believe, I'll be thankful that you tried, in your ignorant, pathetic little way, to comfort me. The mere fact that you are expressing sympathy, that's what the words are for in the first place.
And not only can you express sympathy without injecting religious overtones, you can inject religious overtones without expressing sympathy. I was at the funeral of my niece's stillborn baby a week or so ago, and my old minister was doing the service. If it hadn't been a funeral I would have walked out. It was all, "God, God, God, God, God...something about a dead baby...that's unimportant....God, God God." At one point it sure seemed like he was telling the grieving parents that they should thank God that he took their baby because....I didn't really catch the next part as my head was full of rage and fury at that statement. It was hands down the worst funeral service I have ever been to. You would have thought it was God in the tiny coffin up front to hear that prick speak.
Thank you, Mr.Obvious for your warm welcome. As someone who has spent his whole life in the Bible Belt, it's nice to be part of your little band of heathens, so thanks, once again.
Thanks also, for everyone's replies. Hearing any person utter the phrase, "things happen for a reason" is akin to fingernails on a chalkboard to me. So, I would never be that guy.
"Reality is that which, doesn't go away when you stop believing in it."
(http://36.media.tumblr.com/e5a40982e892f6c054015b419e02b965/tumblr_mqb3gbX0ip1sbqyv1o1_1280.jpg)
We are stardust. All a part of the cosmic whole and in that sense never really die.
Actually myself, I don't even address it. Seriously. I go up, wrap my arms around them and give then a sincere hug and just be a friend who cares and offers such as:
Hey, man, let me know if you need anything..seriously. Hey I made a couple casseroles I will drop off later cause I know no one will feel like cooking. If you need me to run out and get some gas or some groceries, let me know, I got this for you. Need me to watch the kids for a night or two? Really I got Minions and shit. What about your dog/ cat? Want me to sit with them for a day or so? Hey I got a couple hours tomorrow and am running to my moms to mow her lawn, what say i hit yours later.
See, forget the whole show. Go for giving them something real and tangible. Let me tell ya, a couple nice casseroles beats the shit out of a prayer and fucking pop-tarts for dinner.