I considered myself straight for a long time, but its really come to the point where I can't deny that I'm attracted to guys. Its not like I cant appreciate a beautiful woman, I just like guys too. I think I'm more bisexual that outright gay. I know you guys wont be too harsh, but I would appreciate a bit of support. I'm still not sure how to tell my family.
The first thing to do, is not create a negative view of your sexuality by using an abrasive word like calling yourself queer, since its usually more of a negative then a positive.
Second, you just have to learn to accept the fact that sexuality isn't black and white, just because society tries to make limited camps for everyone doesn't mean you belong to just one type. Sexuality is a unique and fingerprints, you have your own, and your body tells you what you find attractive. so instead of trying to conform to what others, like your parents, want it to be in a limited set of rules, just go with what feels right to you.
I didnt mean anything negative by using the word queer. I am a queer. To me its just kind of a generic term that means non-hetero. Sorry if I offended you...
Quote from: _Xenu_ on September 20, 2015, 08:10:15 AM
I didnt mean anything negative by using the word queer. I am a queer. To me its just kind of a generic term that means non-hetero. Sorry if I offended you...
It's a word that's been considered a pejorative for a long time, but as of late it's been sort of reclaimed by some in the LGBT community as a means of identification. It can still be a bit divisive though.
Since it seems you've just sort of discovering this for yourself, maybe there doesn't have to be a huge rush to tell your family. There's nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual. I'm not aware of any LGBT manual that explains the steps in a rigid way like:
Step 1: Discover your homosexuality
Step 2: Tell the world
Step 3: Enter a homosexual relationshipI know people firsthand who have done them out of order and came out just fine for it. I think it's important that you feel comfortable in your own skin. In a way, I sense that you aren't, because you hope "we won't be too harsh." Knowing the general vibe of this community, I can't imagine anyone would be harsh on you based on your sexuality. There are gay and bisexual members on this forum, and I've not seen anyone treat them harshly for it.
Quote from: _Xenu_ on September 20, 2015, 08:10:15 AM
I didnt mean anything negative by using the word queer. I am a queer. To me its just kind of a generic term that means non-hetero. Sorry if I offended you...
You didn't offend me dude, just have never really found it an empowering word. Though as a way of shoving it back in someone's face it works. "Omg ur queer lol!" "Yeah, I am queer and fucking loving it"
I think it has a lot to do with how horny you get----sex is sex period. Why is it such a big deal who, or what, it is with as long as it is consensual? I experimented when I was very young, and decided I liked girls better, and it was accepted where with boys wasn't. Maybe we are all bisexual and just learn from experience what we prefer or is accepted. It seems the people that protest the most about gays and lesbians are attracted to it and makes them feel uncomfortable because they have been taught it is a sin, wrong, nasty, or taboo when very young.
Quote from: Munch on September 20, 2015, 08:06:13 AM
The first thing to do, is not create a negative view of your sexuality by using an abrasive word like calling yourself queer, since its usually more of a negative then a positive.
It's actually a common thing to refer to yourself as, enough that they added it to the end of LGBTQ (though most people still just say LGBT). It just means you don't have a clear sexual preference, but are pretty sure it's not purely heterosexual.
Rock it!
You can tell people when you're ready, there's no rush, right?
Quote from: _Xenu_ on September 20, 2015, 07:49:56 AM
I considered myself straight for a long time, but its really come to the point where I can't deny that I'm attracted to guys. Its not like I cant appreciate a beautiful woman, I just like guys too. I think I'm more bisexual that outright gay. I know you guys wont be too harsh, but I would appreciate a bit of support. I'm still not sure how to tell my family.
Why do you have to tell your family??
You don't have to tell your family until you're ready to do so. I wish I had some concrete advice for you, but for me it was an organic process. I had so readily repressed my sexuality that it was a gradual struggle to discover who I really was. Really the main thing I would have to say is learn to be comfortable with yourself before you decide to come out. Being attracted to guys isn't weird, or anything like that, it's just part of who you are. Come to terms with yourself before you worry about what others will think.
Be comfortable with your own sexuality before discussing it with your family. You don't need to pick a label, if your sexuality is fluid just describe your feelings as honestly as you can. Some of your family members may need some hand holding through this process. I know one big concern my parents had was having grandchildren, so you may want to think about that. I hope all goes well!
Quote from: Hijiri Byakuren on September 20, 2015, 12:11:57 PM
It's actually a common thing to refer to yourself as, enough that they added it to the end of LGBTQ (though most people still just say LGBT). It just means you don't have a clear sexual preference, but are pretty sure it's not purely heterosexual.
Thank you! This is more how it was intended!
Quote from: GSOgymrat on September 20, 2015, 03:05:45 PM
Be comfortable with your own sexuality before discussing it with your family. You don't need to pick a label, if your sexuality is fluid just describe your feelings as honestly as you can. Some of your family members may need some hand holding through this process. I know one big concern my parents had was having grandchildren, so you may want to think about that. I hope all goes well!
Im pretty sure they already know they aren't getting any grandkids from me. My discomfort with the toddler set is pretty obvious.
Quote from: _Xenu_ on September 20, 2015, 05:30:59 PM
Im pretty sure they already know they aren't getting any grandkids from me. My discomfort with the toddler set is pretty obvious.
Your not alone, and being gay doesn't signal that you can't have kids, just that you need to go to more lengths to be a parent. But in my case I just decided kids aren't for me, I find them exhausting, stressful and life changing, and wouldn't want a kid being raised by me because of it.
I know several gay couples who have kids. It is definitely an option but I told my partner at the beginning of our relationship kids were a deal breaker. He said cats were never going to happen.
Xenu, where do you live? The culture can make a big difference.
We got you boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Seriously though. Being that pretty much every member on here is gay-friendly we've got your back.
Understand that of the 8plus billion people in the world, yours is unique in that only you understand the actual circumstances. Be careful about accepting generic advice, your story is NOT the same as others.
Yes, sure, it may indeed be similar to others but it is not the same simply because they are not you. I don't know where you live or what your circumstances are, but I trust since you found us, you are smart enough to not trust the masses…just yet.
Quote from: GSOgymrat on September 20, 2015, 06:34:24 PM
I know several gay couples who have kids. It is definitely an option but I told my partner at the beginning of our relationship kids were a deal breaker. He said cats were never going to happen.
Xenu, where do you live? The culture can make a big difference.
Cats? LOL. Im more of a dog person. I live in Tulsa, OK. Its kind of gay friendly, but also conservative at the same time. Its hard to explain. There's definitely a gay culture here, but its not like you can walk down the street holding a guys hand. Well, I can, but I'm a really huge guy. Most people couldn't though.
Quote from: aitm on September 20, 2015, 06:45:58 PM
Understand that of the 8plus billion people in the world, yours is unique in that only you understand the actual circumstances. Be careful about accepting generic advice, your story is NOT the same as others.
Yes, sure, it may indeed be similar to others but it is not the same simply because they are not you. I don't know where you live or what your circumstances are, but I trust since you found us, you are smart enough to not trust the masses…just yet.
Sorry aitm, I know that I'm leaving your camp man.
Hey, we all can't be hets eh? My point my friend, is that life is not a "one size fits all". Be careful of the advice you get from people who think that it is. Good luck.
Quote from: Mike Cl on September 20, 2015, 01:37:36 PM
Why do you have to tell your family??
Well, its not like I never talk to them. If I hook up with a guy, its not like they'll never find out or anything. I prefer that happens on my own terms. Having said that, my father is extremely homophobic and he will disown me if he finds out.
Quote from: _Xenu_ on September 20, 2015, 07:40:05 PM
Well, its not like I never talk to them. If I hook up with a guy, its not like they'll never find out or anything. I prefer that happens on my own terms. Having said that, my father is extremely homophobic and he will disown me if he finds out.
oh that sucks :S. Think he'd come around to at least accepting your not his ideal and you have your own intrests when it comes to sex? From everything you said it seems more exploring your sexuality, but think your dad would accept it that way?
It is really none of my business but have you "had" any experience? I have never actually considered myself "bi" but many a year ago, I met a couple that were very playful and I "tried" …but eh…it didn't work out well….but hey on the bright side, there is no doubt that gay men give the best head. But it is safe to say that straight guys really don't have much interest in giving it. Well, maybe other straight guys do, but this one didn't . So before you wear the badge…make sure it fits eh?
Quote from: aitm on September 20, 2015, 07:56:05 PM
It is really none of my business but have you "had" any experience?
Yes, I have some experience. No offense though, I really dont want to go into it. He was a dick and I really dont have fond memories of him.
Quote from: Munch on September 20, 2015, 07:53:51 PM
oh that sucks :S. Think he'd come around to at least accepting your not his ideal and you have your own intrests when it comes to sex? From everything you said it seems more exploring your sexuality, but think your dad would accept it that way?
Not going to happen. My dad is a Roman Catholic and has traditional views in this area. My mom will accept it in time, as will my stepfather. He's a liberal Christian, and his sister is a lesbian. The biggest thing with my biological father is my inheritance. Its not like I have much of relationship with him anyway.
Quote from: _Xenu_ on September 20, 2015, 07:58:40 PM
Yes, I have some experience. No offense though, I really dont want to go into it. He was a dick and I really dont have fond memories of him.
But this is a good sign for you. For me it was sexual, for you it was emotional. This is a big difference. This is why you are and I am not.
I've been there to, with my first bf Xenu, some things you don't want to remember, which thankfully I don't now besides talking about it here.
But yeah, you say mom and step dad, that sounds promising at least you can tell them.
To me, I can't think of anything more disgusting then a parent who can't accept there child for who they are and want to be, instead of forcefully projecting themselves onto them. All parents should have at least some standard for loving there kid no matter what.
Quote from: aitm on September 20, 2015, 08:17:09 PM
But this is a good sign for you. For me it was sexual, for you it was emotional. This is a big difference. This is why you are and I am not.
That's the thing about me, I tend to be loving and affectionate towards both genders. Yeah, there's an emotional component with me, Im not afraid to call a guy a sweety, but its not like I wont address a hot chick the same way. Im just odd like that.
Quote from: _Xenu_ on September 20, 2015, 08:51:17 PM
That's the thing about me, I tend to be loving and affectionate towards both genders. Yeah, there's an emotional component with me, Im not afraid to call a guy a sweety, but is not like I wont address a cute woman the same way. Im just odd like that.
Ha, if you only knew.
Any father will tell you that some of the things they hated to lose the most as their child grew up was…not being able to hold your naked child in the shower..( it is a fabulous, wonderful experience, I hope you get to have someday)…not being able to kiss your son in public as he got older.
I reintroduced male kissing into my family back in the mid 70's. I had no problem with it and I stunned many …many people at the annual "spaghetti dinner" when i kissed my dad, my mom, my brothers right on the lips. OMG! Make no mistake I was still a homophobe at that time, I just didn't buy into the belief that you had to stop kissing your "loves".
You are not that odd. There are many of us odd ones.
Queer: strange or odd
Gay: lighthearted and carefree.
So either way its a reconfiguration of an existing word to denote a new meaning. You can be oddly carefree gay/queer as a 3 dollar bill, your choice. Choose wisely.
Quote from: aitm on September 20, 2015, 09:08:06 PM
I reintroduced male kissing into my family back in the mid 70's. I had no problem with it and I stunned many …many people at the annual "spaghetti dinner" when i kissed my dad, my mom, my brothers right on the lips. OMG! Make no mistake I was still a homophobe at that time, I just didn't buy into the belief that you had to stop kissing your "loves".
You are not that odd. There are many of us odd ones.
Yeah, I'll bet you did shock alot of people doing that. But would I be wrong to say thats actually kind of sweet?
I can't really speak for where you live, but being bi-sexual its often regarded as just another part of the LGBT community, and when around gay guys they just acknowledge part of you is into guys and thats enough. My aunt is bi-sexual, and her husband is trans, on their wedding day he wore the dress and she wore the suit, and had a private ceremony for it with close friends and family.
Fact is, you know what you like and sound fully adapted to it, so thats enough. I know its important having family who accept you for who you are, but even if there is an issue, just stand firm on the fact they are the one with a problem, not you.
Quote from: _Xenu_ on September 20, 2015, 07:40:05 PM
Well, its not like I never talk to them. If I hook up with a guy, its not like they'll never find out or anything. I prefer that happens on my own terms. Having said that, my father is extremely homophobic and he will disown me if he finds out.
Then you have a choice. Don't take your boyfriend home. Play act as though he is a sporting buddy, who like to play tennis or some such. Or tell your dad knowing he will disown you. Your choice. At least you know what the choices are.
Quote from: MagetheEntertainer on September 26, 2015, 10:57:52 AM
Yeah I know I'm a pretty weird guy my self, I pick a lot of strange things to talk about. Oh wait you're using queer to refer to your sexuality, well in that case welcome to the bisexual master race friend :D
Hehehe, sorry I just saw this. Thanks man.. I'm actually driving to Kansas City this weekend to talk to my great-aunt about how to handle the coming out process. My options are admittedly a bit dark, but if anyone can help its her. The bisexual master race? I like that. I'm saving that for my console peasant friends.
Good luck in Kansas Xenu. I hope it'll be helpfull, but either way you'll find a way. I won't give you a speech about how things are probably better then they seem, but one of mankind's more admirable traits is the strength to press on anyway even when all options are dark.
P.S. Brain going into overdrive to put in a pun about not being in Kansas anymore Toto, and failing miserably... guessing I'll catch some Z's instead.
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on November 18, 2015, 07:08:34 PM
P.S. Brain going into overdrive to put in a pun about not being in Kansas anymore Toto, and failing miserably... guessing I'll catch some Z's instead.
I can start you out. Its going to have something to do with being somewhere over the rainbow. And its likely to include many friends of Dorothy.
In all seriousness though, this is a pretty major shift in how I see myself. Its comparable to figuring out that the god thing was bullshit, and realizing that I really liked computers; the latter actually lead to the career I have now. This is an enormous change in how I interact with the world and I will probably spend the next few years adjusting to it.
Quote from: _Xenu_ on September 21, 2015, 06:14:03 AM
Yeah, I'll bet you did shock alot of people doing that. But would I be wrong to say thats actually kind of sweet?
I opened the box. My brothers willingly accepted and adopted the practice, my father loved his sons giving him kisses, it was a win win.
Didn't have a son. But I would accept any child of mine as gay or straight. But us men, have a problem with showing tenderness. As do some hard ass women ;-( Tenderness isn't gay.
Quote from: _Xenu_ on September 20, 2015, 07:49:56 AM
I considered myself straight for a long time, but its really come to the point where I can't deny that I'm attracted to guys. Its not like I cant appreciate a beautiful woman, I just like guys too. I think I'm more bisexual that outright gay. I know you guys wont be too harsh, but I would appreciate a bit of support. I'm still not sure how to tell my family.
Nobody sane should be harsh on you. Only bigots and fundies would care. As far as your family only you really know them. If you are out of the house it will be easier on you, because you can get some distance in cause the conversation doesn't go as well as you'd like. Not saying tell them or don't tell them, only you can determine who when or if.
I will say this, even with the issue of telling someone you are atheist, even if you do tell them, let them know you still love them, give them their distance and time, and if they are simply upset but still want you in their lives, then keep showing them you are the same person. But just remember you are not there to be anybody's doormat, not even family. But if they go beyond simply being upset concerned and get verbally abusive or doomsdayish, you don't need that negativity in your life.
Well, I'm back from Kansas City and out to three relatives now. It went smoothly, but I knew this part would, which is why I chose them. My sister halfway across the country is probably next. Coming out is a process worthy of Sun Tzu, always having to choose your allies very carefully so those allies will help you with those who will be most hostile.
I know this probably seems a bit paranoid, but there's alot at stake here. This whole process is a delicate thing and if it goes wrong I could find myself disowned by part of my family.