I've spent the last two weeks moving back to Texas. It's like 1000 degree here, so 45 minutes after having the power turned on, we were laying prone in the empty living room soaked with sweat and debating about unpacking the truck when the doorbell rang.
Jehovah's witnesses! Packing tracts titled things like "Can the dead really live again?" About an hour after we shooed those guys away, our next door neighbor comes over to introduce himself, which is cool, but his next line after "Hi, are you the new neighbors?" is "Well, today is Saturday, have you found a church to attend already?" and cue half an hour of why First Baptist Blah Blah Blah has the pews we want to be parking our behinds in come tomorrow morning.
Yeah, as if the mortal peril of forgoing even a single Sunday due to moving 1300 miles across the country is too great to even discuss. Fuck my life. If I believed in Hell, this would be it. It certainly feels like it, since it's 10:00 in the morning and even with the air conditioning on, I have sweat stains forming on my shirt.
Anyway, I want to hang a sign on my door that says "Satan's house of worship" but my husband is a fan of the more subtle "No soliciting" sign. Any ideas?
Get a really big dog, and a sigh saying "All solicitors, preachers and sellers answer to bubbles"
1. Paint a large, red, inverted pentagram on your door.
2. Commission Doug Mesner and Lucien Grieves of The Satanic Temple to build a copy of their Baphomet monument as a garden ornament to be displayed out front. https://vice-images.vice.com/images/content-images-crops/2015/07/27/inside-the-satanic-temples-secret-baphomet-monument-unveiling-666-body-image-1438019129-size_1000.jpg?resize=*:*&output-quality=
3. Answer the door completely naked.
4. Ask them if they have any new recipes for preparing baby meat.
5. Tell them you have sacrificed enough of your children already to the fire-god Moloch.
So far my best reaction has been a simple, "Please, you DO know its 2016 right? I gave up on that nonsense 40 years ago."
"what exactly turned you away" or variations on that.
" I actually sat down and read the piece of shit babble myself".
Usually gets them to wander away.
Well, it is Texas, and I don't want to end up with bricks thrown through my window or obscenities spray-painted on the side of my house. I really want some subtle, non-confrontational way to say leave my heathen ass the fuck alone without actually putting up a sign that says those words on my front yard.
How does a simple "No Soliciting" sign fail to do the job? Are Texan heads so twisted that they think soliciting doesn't cover proselytizing? "No Soliciting, No Proselytizing, No Trespassing, No Creepy Rituals On Premises, Violators will be shot on sight..."
Quote from: peacewithoutgod on August 17, 2015, 01:05:45 PM
Violators will be shot on sight..."
I guess it is Texas after all. They don't need to know I don't own firearms, since it's assumed everyone already does.
But yeah, I don't think selling Jesus is considered soliciting here, because it's
Jesus, not aluminum siding.
Have a lava moat... Oh wait. It's Texas, it's lava everywhere!
Agreed with PWG, with the addendum: "...This means YOU!" with an accusatory finger pointed directly at the reader.
Another method is to go full blown insane Christian. If you have Jehovah's witness come to the door, come out with a shovel yelling at them for being fakers in God's name for wearing mixed fabrics. Use alka seltzer tablets to appear to be foaming at the mouth and swing the shovel around yelling at them for having trimmed beards, mixed fabrics and for not following the true bible, and scream insanely at them, sending them running.
This will get it around that your a deep theist, but one to avoid because it's deeper then they can comprehend, and so will leave you alone.
Quote from: TomFoolery on August 17, 2015, 10:56:51 AM
Anyway, I want to hang a sign on my door that says "Satan's house of worship" but my husband is a fan of the more subtle "No soliciting" sign. Any ideas?
How about a sign that says "No souliciting"
I don't really know anything first-hand on Texan culture, but it seems a reasonable guess that you wouldn't be out of place going with Munch's idea of having large dog to intimidate any strangers from approaching. If you have a secure fence in the front yard, it can run free. Some of my suburban upstate New York neighbors do that.
Just a simple "Get lost. .I'm not interested in the least. " works. You're under no obligation to explain one damned thing to them. If they want to keep pushing tell them it's private property and if they want to preach at you go stand in the street.
I vote moat. With piranha, or barracudas, or sharks, or something.
If you've got a concrete walkway leading to your front door, get some chalk and some religious pamphlets. Draw a chalk outline of two people and scatter the pamphlets around.
Yes, I stole that from Jeff Foxworthy.
I always show up at the door completely naked. If my wife's home, we show up together naked. They never do stay very long.
You have my sympathy, TomFoolery.
Quote from: TomFoolery on August 17, 2015, 10:56:51 AM
I've spent the last two weeks moving back to Texas. It's like 1000 degree here, so 45 minutes after having the power turned on, we were laying prone in the empty living room soaked with sweat and debating about unpacking the truck when the doorbell rang.
Jehovah's witnesses! Packing tracts titled things like "Can the dead really live again?" About an hour after we shooed those guys away, our next door neighbor comes over to introduce himself, which is cool, but his next line after "Hi, are you the new neighbors?" is "Well, today is Saturday, have you found a church to attend already?" and cue half an hour of why First Baptist Blah Blah Blah has the pews we want to be parking our behinds in come tomorrow morning.
Yeah, as if the mortal peril of forgoing even a single Sunday due to moving 1300 miles across the country is too great to even discuss. Fuck my life. If I believed in Hell, this would be it. It certainly feels like it, since it's 10:00 in the morning and even with the air conditioning on, I have sweat stains forming on my shirt.
Anyway, I want to hang a sign on my door that says "Satan's house of worship" but my husband is a fan of the more subtle "No soliciting" sign. Any ideas?
I put a very large NO SOLICITING sign on my door to no avail, because they don't understand what that means and say it doesn't apply to them. Idiots! I answered the door next time they came with a my black briefs on,and asked them to come inside and give me a Watch Tower magazine to discuss Satanism along with Ozzy Osborn music playing very loud in the background.. They have never been back again. I thought for sure I was going to get arrested for public indecency, but I think the theatrical punk band makeup scared the crap out of them.. On a side note---if they are Mormon, tell them you are an excommunicated Mormon, they will never come back, I promise.
Texas?
1. Shoot them
2. wear a satanic pentagram when you answer the door
3. Either the chalk outline thing on the walkway or satanic symbols.
Try hanging a cross on your door? They'll assume you're religious and leave.
I dunno, guess you didn't have a lava moat did you?
Quote from: dtq123 on August 31, 2015, 10:50:57 PM
Try hanging a cross on your door? They'll assume you're religious and leave.
I dunno, guess you didn't have a lava moat did you?
You would need something more like this:
(http://rlv.zcache.ca/religion_fiction_black_bumper_sticker-r25df9ef73298486c9f91ad1dd4453909_v9wht_8byvr_512.jpg)
Peacewithoutgod ... no, then they will assume you are a religious fiction author (Right Behind, sequel to Left Behind ... collect the whole derriere) and want an autographed copy of your book ;-)
TomFoolery---back to TX?? I really hope there is a good payoff! :))) If not, my condolences.
Quote from: Baruch on September 01, 2015, 07:07:37 AM
Peacewithoutgod ... no, then they will assume you are a religious fiction author (Right Behind, sequel to Left Behind ... collect the whole derriere) and want an autographed copy of your book ;-)
Then I would be able to make money off the money-grubbing evangelical cults, which I could donate to groups like this? That would be cool!
Quote from: trdsf on August 18, 2015, 06:46:51 AM
I vote moat. With piranha, or barracudas, or sharks, or something.
How about some screaming eels? With lasers attached to their heads... :super:
How about turning the front of your house into a bog, where they take off there shoes to get to the front door, and when you open the door you smile and hang the 'beware of leeches' sign on the outside.
Quote from: Mike Cl on September 01, 2015, 09:34:55 AM
TomFoolery---back to TX?? I really hope there is a good payoff! :))) If not, my condolences.
I'm from Dallas which usually isn't that bad. I would gladly live in Austin, which embraces its weirdness. Unfortunately, my husband's career put us an hour North of Austin where they grow bigots too sizes too big and the crime rate is surprisingly insane. Hell, someone I know sent me this ad from Craigslist just a few days ago:
(http://i58.tinypic.com/1114dib.jpg)
http://killeen.craigslist.org/mis/5192763495.html
All hat, no cattle! Just like George W being a real cowboy ;-)
Quote from: TomFoolery on September 01, 2015, 07:03:08 PM
I'm from Dallas which usually isn't that bad. I would gladly live in Austin, which embraces its weirdness. Unfortunately, my husband's career put us an hour North of Austin where they grow bigots too sizes too big and the crime rate is surprisingly insane. Hell, someone I know sent me this ad from Craigslist just a few days ago:
(http://i58.tinypic.com/1114dib.jpg)
http://killeen.craigslist.org/mis/5192763495.html
Is that for real? That must be a gag. I hope your husband's job is good! :) Let's see--big fences, big dogs, big guns..............and big signs that you have an alarm service........that should do it. :)))
Quote from: Mike Cl on September 01, 2015, 07:20:52 PM
Is that for real? That must be a gag. I hope your husband's job is good! :) Let's see--big fences, big dogs, big guns..............and big signs that you have an alarm service........that should do it. :)))
I feel like it has to be a joke, but it's pretty indicative of the kind of place I live in. It's a military town (Fort Hood is in Killeen) and even though I live in a relatively good neighborhood, the first week I was here, the neighbors who live behind me shot a rap video on the roof of their house on a Thursday night. As I already pointed out, my next door neighbor is Joan of Arc religious, and every 50 feet there are billboards for Jesus, which is a curious juxtaposition when almost literally every street in this town has at least one liquor store, gun store, pawn shop, tattoo parlor, payday loan outfit, car dealership and bail bondsman's office.
Anyway, I don't know how the statistics are collected, but apparently my odds of being the victim of a crime here are like 1 in 173, whereas the state average is 1 in 245.
http://www.neighborhoodscout.com/tx/killeen/crime/
Quote from: TomFoolery on September 01, 2015, 07:43:48 PM
I feel like it has to be a joke, but it's pretty indicative of the kind of place I live in. It's a military town (Fort Hood is in Killeen) and even though I live in a relatively good neighborhood, the first week I was here, the neighbors who live behind me shot a rap video on the roof of their house on a Thursday night. As I already pointed out, my next door neighbor is Joan of Arc religious, and every 50 feet there are billboards for Jesus, which is a curious juxtaposition when almost literally every street in this town has at least one liquor store, gun store, pawn shop, tattoo parlor, payday loan outfit, car dealership and bail bondsman's office.
Anyway, I don't know how the statistics are collected, but apparently my odds of being the victim of a crime here are like 1 in 173, whereas the state average is 1 in 245.
http://www.neighborhoodscout.com/tx/killeen/crime/
Ah, yes, Killeen. Aptly named, apparently. Maybe you can get some really big guns from the fort?? :))
Once the MIC fully takes over ... every town will be like Killeen TX ... and like the town I live in ;-) All the citizens will drive Humvees and all the troops will drive Abrams tanks ... for self protection ;-)
I know this is an old topic, but it seemed relevant.
The Baptists came calling and like idiots who couldn't read the signs posted that say "No soliciting" and "Beware of dog" they rang the doorbell. Naturally my lab mix starts going nuts and I make the mistake of answering the door because I'm expecting FedEx. About 30 seconds into her speech, she trails off because I'm physically straining to hold my dog back and remarks, "Aw, he's so protective of you." I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind, which was, "Naw, he's just a Buddhist."
I met a guy this week who is from Lebanon, family is Muslim but he dumped it years ago. We had a conversation about JW and he says he put a sign on his door that says, "Odin is the only true God. Don't fuck with me, I have a large basement." So far no takers….I laughed.
I just tell them I'm an atheist and close the door. I once tried to discourage the door knockers from visiting the neighborhood by telling them we're a protective bunch. I lied. I don't even know my neighbors. My neighbor across the street has invited in the Mormons. Maybe it will inspire the couple with kids to stop being jerks to each other at least in their driveway.
When mankind's conventions fail, i always find it worthwhile to look into The animal kingdomn for appropriate responses.
For example, have you tried flinging your feaces at them? You'd be amazed at what predicaments that's helped me out of.
Quote from: TomFoolery on August 17, 2015, 10:56:51 AM
Anyway, I want to hang a sign on my door that says "Satan's house of worship" but my husband is a fan of the more subtle "No soliciting" sign. Any ideas?
Nope, I'm sorry I can't be of help, but that was a funny story.
Quote from: Munch on August 17, 2015, 11:16:03 AM
Get a really big dog, and a sigh saying "All solicitors, preachers and sellers answer to bubbles"
I'd name the dog God, so they can have a sign that says "Beware of God."
:1rij: :1rij:
Another way is to buy a lifelike corpse, or have it made up, and hang it inside the front door or side window facing out, also tell the local sheriff or police station it's a prank.
Quote from: TomFoolery on August 17, 2015, 10:56:51 AM
I've spent the last two weeks moving back to Texas. It's like 1000 degree here, so 45 minutes after having the power turned on, we were laying prone in the empty living room soaked with sweat and debating about unpacking the truck when the doorbell rang.
Jehovah's witnesses! Packing tracts titled things like "Can the dead really live again?" About an hour after we shooed those guys away, our next door neighbor comes over to introduce himself, which is cool, but his next line after "Hi, are you the new neighbors?" is "Well, today is Saturday, have you found a church to attend already?" and cue half an hour of why First Baptist Blah Blah Blah has the pews we want to be parking our behinds in come tomorrow morning.
Yeah, as if the mortal peril of forgoing even a single Sunday due to moving 1300 miles across the country is too great to even discuss. Fuck my life. If I believed in Hell, this would be it. It certainly feels like it, since it's 10:00 in the morning and even with the air conditioning on, I have sweat stains forming on my shirt.
Anyway, I want to hang a sign on my door that says "Satan's house of worship" but my husband is a fan of the more subtle "No soliciting" sign. Any ideas?
Answer the door naked. Invite them in.