A guy I was seeing said that he thinks dating should lead to marriage. I disagree, Marriage is one of the dumbest inventions known to mankind, if you ask me. I'm not against love and monogamy, but marriage seems...pointless. This isn't to say that I begrudge others of marrying. ^_^
What do you think?
Going steady? Sure. Marriage? Not necessarily.
Sounds like he's trying to move one step forward a wee bit to quick.
I never went on a date with my now boyfriend's, we meet online at a great distance, and got to know each other, becoming friends and eventually bfs.
That's not to say it can't work that way, but dating doesn't = leading to marriage, it's just a method to get to know people first.
I don't like blanket statements; I don't think all dating should lead to any single end. Dating should lead wherever the two consenting parties want it to lead, be it marriage, or an open relationship, or a few one-night stands, or a long-lasting relationship that doesn't involve marriage at all, or a single memorable dinner and nothing more.
I agree with Valigarmander. Dating can lead to wherever the people involved want it to go, from a one-time night out to a life-long relationship. Some may seek long-term relationships, while others may just want to have short-term fun.
If he's going into a date with that mindset, then he's not especially interested in what his dating partner has in mind. Like so many other things, dating should be goal-less beyond a pleasant time being had by all, and if that happens, then other longer-term possibilities open up.
At my age, I'm starting to go on carbon dating sites... :D
I mean, I would assume it should have the goal of leading to a relationship between the two of you... not even necessarily romantic if you hit it off as friends but nothing more... but besides that, I don't think it should have any end-game goals.
(http://vinteeage.com/product-images/tell-me-now-before-i-blow-50-on-drinks-t-shirt-road-kill-t-shirts-1.jpg)
Before we get to hard on the guy, perhaps he just said it the wrong way. Marriage should at least be preceded by dating, so in that case he would be correct. That dating must lead to marriage would be a good indication that a second date could be a mistake.
It helps when the two people on a date want the same things. When I first read the OP, I did have a slight discomfort over "dating should lead to marriage", although it might just be with the way it's worded. Dating might lead to marriage. But to say it should sets up expectations that aren't warranted. Dates seldom lead to marriage, the vast majority of dates don't go anywhere. Now it would have been more comfortable as "Collectively, dating should lead to marriage." That suggests a person is dating to meet candidates, and an eventual goal might be marriage. I don't see anything wrong with that. Just get rid of the "shoulds".
I wasn't big on dating. It always seemed ritualistic:
Call on the phone
Have request accepted
Go do a specific activity
Take woman home
Kiss goodnight or jump in the sack
I would have to say that the most meaningful relationships for me seldom started with a date or ever consisted of an actual date. This includes my marriage. I would meet someone and share a strong mutual attraction, and we would just end up being together, but nothing we ever did ever struck me as a date. And for me, meaningful relationships happened quickly. If a friendship or a dating situation lasted for an extended period of time, there was never going to be more than a friendship.
I actually have a fantasy about developing a relationship with a woman I've been friends with for a long time. I suppose it's a fantasy, if you want to call it that, because it's never happened, and I actually think it would be cool.
OP question aside, for me, at this time of my life, there is no dating, there would be "pre-fuck" drinks, then fucking, then "post-fuck" drinks and maybe another fuck in the am if I am lucky.
I think if you want dating to lead to marriage, it should lead to marriage. If you do not want dating to lead to marriage, it should not lead to marriage. It's pretty simple. If you are seeing someone who wants to get married and you do not, perhaps there is a fundamental compatibility issue. Or maybe not? I never really cared about getting married, but when I met my now-husband, I knew we'd be together for the duration, so the legality of marriage didn't really matter to me either way.
The problem starts when people start to assert their own opinions about this and other things on other people. If everyone would just mind their own beeswax, the world would be a happier place.
Quote from: Mermaid on March 22, 2015, 09:47:27 AM
If you are seeing someone who wants to get married and you do not, perhaps there is a fundamental compatibility issue. Or maybe not?
I assume most people want to get married because most people eventually do. But not everyone wants to get married at the same time. I've been with several women who I believe would have been suitable marriage partners, but the main problem was that the timing was wrong. A few years further on and things might have changed.
I know, until I was in my late 20s, marriage was out of the question, and then one day, I decided I would like to get married, and I started viewing the purpose of dating (or just hanging out together) in an entirely new light. So for me, timing seems like an important issue in finding a marriage partner.
Eh, if it mattered to her i would get married. There is a sort or romance attached to the idea. But it's not a necessity to me
I try to avoid dating the same why I avoid venomous snakes. I'm not good at dealing with either one.
Dating should lead to pleasure, and nothing more.
If any other emotion happens, the date is a failure in my eyes.
Quote from: aitm on March 22, 2015, 09:33:59 AM
OP question aside, for me, at this time of my life, there is no dating, there would be "pre-fuck" drinks, then fucking, then "post-fuck" drinks and maybe another fuck in the am if I am lucky.
My gf told me she didn't have time to dick around with dinner drinks and dating. Go to bed first and if that's fun we can make time for dinner, drinks and dating. I'm quite happy to report she was right.. Our first stop was the bedroom and 3 months later we're just getting around to dinner drinks and dating.. :biggrin: It turns out she can cook too!
Quote from: SGOS on March 22, 2015, 09:31:14 AM
It helps when the two people on a date want the same things. When I first read the OP, I did have a slight discomfort over "dating should lead to marriage", although it might just be with the way it's worded. Dating might lead to marriage. But to say it should sets up expectations that aren't warranted. Dates seldom lead to marriage, the vast majority of dates don't go anywhere. Now it would have been more comfortable as "Collectively, dating should lead to marriage." That suggests a person is dating to meet candidates, and an eventual goal might be marriage. I don't see anything wrong with that. Just get rid of the "shoulds".
I wasn't big on dating. It always seemed ritualistic:
Call on the phone
Have request accepted
Go do a specific activity
Take woman home
Kiss goodnight or jump in the sack
I would have to say that the most meaningful relationships for me seldom started with a date or ever consisted of an actual date. This includes my marriage. I would meet someone and share a strong mutual attraction, and we would just end up being together, but nothing we ever did ever struck me as a date. And for me, meaningful relationships happened quickly. If a friendship or a dating situation lasted for an extended period of time, there was never going to be more than a friendship.
I actually have a fantasy about developing a relationship with a woman I've been friends with for a long time. I suppose it's a fantasy, if you want to call it that, because it's never happened, and I actually think it would be cool.
Been there done that, it wasn't planned and we just started talking and it blossomed, and it sure as hell beat being married. We were like book ends that like the same things, and enjoyed each other with no rules attached or expectations because we never thought we owned each other. Best 5 year on and off relationship I ever had, and the happiest I have ever been, and miss it dearly now when she ended it after finding out I was married and she was a women's libber and thought I was different then other men. She wouldn't let me explain that my marriage had been over. I had two sons that needed me. Solitary
Consent is what matters. Not saying do not get married at all. But even with marriage I think it is stupidly sold as a utopia like in a movie. I think even with marriage the mature thing is to accept like the rest of life, things might change. Marriage sold the way it is now as a majority sets people up to be bitter and vengeful when things don't work out. I say do what works, try to be on the same page as much as possible, plan and have good communication skills either way. But if the ride ends it doesn't have to turn into a war, dating or married.
Marriage is a business contract. Nothing more. Next time a guy lays that on you, tell him this.
We've talked about marriage, but I'm still technically married to the same bitch I haven't seen nor heard from in almost 30 years. Before I decide to marry, if I do we'll have to reconcile the difference in our beliefs. I won't be married by a member of any clergy and have to stand there listening to his or her gibberish about the sanctimonious crap.
Quote from: the_antithesis on March 22, 2015, 12:57:36 PM
Marriage is a business contract. Nothing more. Next time a guy lays that on you, tell him this.
I don't think it has to be solely viewed as clinical, but yea, it is a contract. Doesn't have to be loveless but it is also not the fairy tale or God sanction woo people make it out to be.
Quote from: Brian37 on March 22, 2015, 01:21:49 PM
I don't think it has to be solely viewed as clinical, but yea, it is a contract. Doesn't have to be loveless but it is also not the fairy tale or God sanction woo people make it out to be.
Don't confuse a marriage with a relationship. A relationship is when two people share their lives together. A marriage is when they decide they need to get the law involved with it. There are some benefits, but also drawbacks.
I was sitting in one of those big restaurants that serve buffet style. You pay your money up front and they give you tray with a plate, and then you walk up to one of many steam table arrays and load up. From 11:00 to 3:00 they have the special, sometimes called the senior special. And indeed the seniors to tend to show up in disproportionately large numbers. OK, you know what I'm talking about right?
OK, so I'm sitting in one of these with a friend and just looking around studying people at great length, and I'm looking at the seniors. Most show up as couples, married I suppose. Obviously, the cheap dinner and an abundance is something that must make them happy, but in studying closely, I didn't see but one or two couples smiling. In fact, most sat there looking like they were pissed off at life, while their partners sat there looking just as pissed. I dunno, maybe it's just the way seniors look. In fact, if they weren't smiling, which was all but one or two, they weren't even talking. I watched for a long time. When I say not talking, I mean not saying one word as far as I could tell during the whole meal. They did not make eye contact. If one paused during eating, they would just stare off someplace other than their partner.
These are not what I call happy married couples in loving relationships. They are simply together because they don't know what else to do. Their marriages may have endured for many years, but their relationships had gotten all fucked up.
Quote from: Savior2006 on March 22, 2015, 10:21:30 AM
I try to avoid dating the same why I avoid venomous snakes. I'm not good at dealing with either one.
I'm starting to float into this mindset, myself. lol ^_^
Quote from: AllPurposeAtheist on March 22, 2015, 01:15:35 PM
We've talked about marriage, but I'm still technically married to the same bitch I haven't seen nor heard from in almost 30 years. Before I decide to marry, if I do we'll have to reconcile the difference in our beliefs. I won't be married by a member of any clergy and have to stand there listening to his or her gibberish about the sanctimonious crap.
how are you 'technically' married? ^_^
Quote from: SGOS on March 22, 2015, 03:01:55 PM
In fact, most sat there looking like they were pissed off at life, while their partners sat there looking just as pissed. I dunno, maybe it's just the way seniors look.
My brother's grandmother-in-law used to wake up and then be pissed because she wasn't dead yet. Lady lived for a good decade or two in that state. Must suck to be ready to die and no go.
QuoteThese are not what I call happy married couples in loving relationships. They are simply together because they don't know what else to do. Their marriages may have endured for many years, but their relationships had gotten all fucked up.
The Nazi concentration camps lasted for a good six years.
Jim Crow lasted about seventy-five years.
Just because something lasts doesn't mean it's any good.
Dating is a mating ritual for the traditional minded. If you were Mormon or a Christian, you would automatically be looked at as a prospective bride. Shouldn't be seen as anything more than friends getting together otherwise.
Like aitm, at my age the whole idea seems pointless. I might take someone out just for "get to know" but that's about it.
Quote from: Deidre32 on March 22, 2015, 02:28:29 AM
A guy I was seeing said that he thinks dating should lead to marriage. I disagree, Marriage is one of the dumbest inventions known to mankind, if you ask me. I'm not against love and monogamy, but marriage seems...pointless. This isn't to say that I begrudge others of marrying. ^_^
What do you think?
As I've gotten older, I've learned to know and respect my own boundaries and wants and needs. But I've also learned that people don't always say exactly what they mean, even when they're being completely honest. Sometimes when someone says they're only interested in dating if it leads to marriage its because they have a desire to have a committed relationship which involves marriage and nothing less will do for them. But in other cases someone might say they're only interested in dating if it leads to marriage because they desire a committed long term monogamous relationship and in our society, that is commonly referred to as a marriage. Kind of like asking someone to hand you Kleenex when in reality, you couldn't care less what brand of tissue is in the box.
Now if you're not open to any kind of long term committed relationship with anyone and you know it, then that makes it easy, the two of you are not a match. OTOH if you're completely against marriage but otherwise open to any other kind of committed relationship, then an open honest conversation is probably in order. Assuming of course you'd be otherwise interested in seeing this person again.
Quote from: trdsf on March 22, 2015, 07:40:43 AMAt my age, I'm starting to go on carbon dating sites... :D
That shits fucking funny.
Quote from: Munch on March 22, 2015, 03:25:09 AM
Sounds like he's trying to move one step forward a wee bit to quick.
I never went on a date with my now boyfriend's, we meet online at a great distance, and got to know each other, becoming friends and eventually bfs.
That's not to say it can't work that way, but dating doesn't = leading to marriage, it's just a method to get to know people first.
I think this is quite sensible.
Quote from: Valigarmander on March 22, 2015, 05:20:40 AM
I don't like blanket statements; I don't think all dating should lead to any single end. Dating should lead wherever the two consenting parties want it to lead, be it marriage, or an open relationship, or a few one-night stands, or a long-lasting relationship that doesn't involve marriage at all, or a single memorable dinner and nothing more.
I looove how you worded this. Ugh, my thoughts precisely!!
Quote from: trdsf on March 22, 2015, 07:40:43 AM
If he's going into a date with that mindset, then he's not especially interested in what his dating partner has in mind. Like so many other things, dating should be goal-less beyond a pleasant time being had by all, and if that happens, then other longer-term possibilities open up.
At my age, I'm starting to go on carbon dating sites... :D
hahaha! carbon dating sites ^_^
I think that society (especially in the US) places a lot of unnecessary pressure and emphasis on marriage...I think that many people get caught up in the idea of marriage, and don't realize what an undertaking it truly is. Thx for commenting.
Not necessarily. Can? Sure.
The problem is that the traditional mindset thinks that dating should lead somewhere. Go back to the time when first dates were escorted by a third party to ensure proper behavior. Dating used to be very ritualistic. We need to get past that mode of thinking and drop the religious family oriented concepts.
Yea, religion has ruined many a good thing. lol