Hello to everyone here at this forum. My name is Marco Antonio and I am a 42 year old half Latino, half European male from California. I grew up in a very strong, Roman Catholic family from both of my parents. Regardless of that, I grew up physically abused by my father, and by a mother who abandoned me at one time, with my younger brother and sister, because she met a new guy who was a drug dealer, and was too high to think clearly, at the time.
I grew up as a very curious child, although I was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, growing up. My curiosities always got me into a lot of trouble but I never meant any intended harm by them. I just had a fascination with how things work, especially mechanical things. I remember throwing a metal Tonka truck into my mom's 1963 Frigidaire washing machine, given to her by her parents, after the birth of myself. I wanted to see what it would "do" because it agitated in a vertical, up and down motion, instead of the standard rotational agitation. I certainly learned after I heard the loudest explosion, from the machine, in our kitchen.
I always felt out of place because I was shamed by my family for my curiosities, and by my father constantly beating me daily. I never understood why my mother never allowed me to tell anyone what my father was doing to me. She used to tell me that if anyone asked about why I had marks and bruises on my body, to either say that I fell off my bike, or that I tripped down the porch steps of our home.
During this time, I was going to Catholic Cathechism on weekends, while I was in elementary school, to do all the traditional Catholic blessings and behaviors, like making my First Confession and my First Communion. It was during this time I noticed, that instead of developing romantic feelings for girls, I was developing them for the same sex. This confused me because I did not understand why, and being Catholic, I prayed and prayed for Jesus to make me become heterosexual, to no avail.
Jumping to the present, at 42, I still have trouble accepting my sexuality, because I feel I live my life so differently than most people think of stereotypically gay men. I am a man who happens to believe in monogamy for myself, personally. I live my life almost identical to the average heterosexual male, except that I love another male, instead of female. I have no desires to be feminine in anyway and I am very private about my life. I grew up playing sports and because of my curiosity of mechanical things and the way they work, commercial airliners became one of my passions. I also became interested in the medical sciences, as well as, dentistry, music production, songwriting, etc.
I became an atheist just 3 weeks ago, because of all the hurt and pain, that hate from religion, has caused in my life. No one really knows about my sexuality, and most people will tell you they think I am heterosexual, so I have not had any problem from other people about it. The problem has been psychological, damaging, and destructive to any of my will to live. I became severely suicidal because I hate being gay. I do not identify with much of the lifestyle at all, other than just wanting to be in a quiet, loving, monogamous relationship, with another good man. I can definitely say that I would never choose to be this way, especially with how much I know people would hate me if they knew. I could not understand how a loving god, would consider me as sinning against him, when all I want to do is love someone unconditionally. I just wanted to have that one monogamous love, that few are lucky to find.....and to love that person, care for them, go through the good and bad, stay faithful, and take care of each other, loving one another, until our precious time of life is over.
I researched the Bible, religion, homosexuality, the causes of homosexuality, even the side of the new gay Christian movement. I wanted to know why loving someone of the same sex would be a sin to god, especially if I was loving another one of his human creations, rather than hurting, or murdering them. Then, after weeks of reading and research, something happened for me, that was like my brain waking up for the first time.
I happened to accidentally, in my research, stumble across some youtube videos, from an atheist lecturer named, Hemant Mehta. He is known as the "Friendly Atheist" on youtube and other publications. This title sparked my curiosity because I had been raised to believe that atheists are evil, vile, and hateful beings with no morals, and prejudiced hate for god. I looked at his videos and it opened my eyes about atheists who are good, moral people, and not the evil people portrayed to me. I read the contributions, not just to science, but to the health of humanity, the concern for peace and equality of all human beings, the encouraging of humanitarianism, through breaking down the walls that separate races and cultures, etc., by people who are/were atheists.
I saw the hate religion causes in the world.....all the wars around the globe, setting gay people on fire in Africa and celebrating it as doing god's work, creating terrorism to innocent people, and blowing up buildings, in the name of various gods. I saw Christians in some parts of the world, murder babies because they believed their babies to be wicked or evil. I began to see contradictions in the Bible, like slavery, genocide, stoning people to death, owning women, murdering and taking away property, in the name of god, who I was told was a loving god, but wanted to send to me to hell, because of wanting to love another one of his humans. I was so religiously indoctrinated that I never saw the clear evidence in front of me. It was like a light turned on in my brain, and things all finally made sense to me about atheism. I saw that it is not about hate. It's just about freeing people from the hate and conflict, that religion causes amongst themselves, and living in peace and equality, instead.
I am still the same loving Marco, who wants to help people in this world, even if it means giving the shirt off my back for someone, but I am an atheist now. Becoming an atheist, saved me from committing suicide a month ago, because of believing god hates me. Atheism has made me realize the value of my short life and do all I can to be good to people and make the best out of trying to spread more happiness among people, instead of judgment on them. Now I can concentrate on trying to be a good man for myself and others, instead of a god who hates me, and wants me to love him out of fear, otherwise I will burn eternally. I can sleep at night and think of what I can do to make tomorrow a better day for everyone, instead of desperately praying, worrying, and not sleeping, wondering how god is going to punish me and judge me, despite my efforts to be a good man.
I have only one best friend, who is Catholic and would not accept me as an atheist. I have to keep it a secret, as he is my roommate. I hope to be able to make some friends here. The only family I have is my mom and brother now, and they are very Catholic. They would never be able to accept me being an atheist, so it's been a lonely, new journey so far. I don't have much in my life, but I do enjoy humanitarianism and contributing to helping people, and making the world a better place.
Atheism has freed me from the constant psychological stress and trauma religion has caused me in my life, especially the severe depression I went through. It has made me a kinder, more loving person, because I understand the value of human life now, especially other people's lives. I understand the damage judgment does on the human psyche. I can enjoy life now and understand the true meaning of loving and accepting all people in life, regardless of race, color, culture, customs, age, gender, sexual orientation, religion, spirituality, beliefs, or atheism....because we should be looked at as unique and interesting with our differences, rather than hated and condemned by each other. This is the peace, that I, as an atheist, truly want. I just wish it was the same from the religious side, as well.
Take care and be well everyone,
Marco
Hey! Welcome to the forum!
Welcome, Marco.
QuoteI became an atheist just 3 weeks ago, because of all the hurt and pain, that hate from religion, has caused in my life.
I can see that things like pain and hate caused by religion could push a person to question the "truths" of religion, but in the end, you must ask whether or not you can find any compelling evidence for the existence of a god. Next and independent of the evidence, you must ask yourself whether you believe in a god anyway. If you do not, you are an atheist.
This may already describe you. But for me, the pain, hate, bigotry, and misery caused by religion are not important in being an atheist, other than as a catalyst that initiates a search for truth. The real question centers around whether or not you believe God is real.
Welcome. There are a bunch of people on this forum that can relate to your story.
Hi Marco,
Thank you for sharing your story. It is difficult to read and not get emotional over. I hope you will find more strength every day in your epiphany. Give yourself time to evolve with this new track. I hope you continue to astonish yourself with how awesome you are, and how awesome the world is.
Yay!
Hello.
Welcome aboard Marco, you're awake now.
Hi Marco,
Hope you find what you're looking for. I looked into humanism when I felt I was lacking in social belonging a few years back. I can see why people join churches for the social aspect.
I'm not the joiner type and I've not had to hide my identity as you have, but I can't find anything I disagree with in Humanism so perhaps you can find a group near you. You sound pretty isolated but at least you've made a start.
Good luck
Your story was very lovely thank you for sharing
Nice story you got there fella, Welcome to da club!
Marco: Welcome. And I also reply on behalf of the Christian church... I am sorry for what these Christians in your life did to you. All of them. It was all wrong.
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Quote from: Jhayward on January 03, 2015, 12:41:59 PM
And I also reply on behalf of the Christian church...
Are you an official spokesman?
Maybe it's God!
Quote from: Jason78 on January 03, 2015, 02:56:56 PM
Are you an official spokesman?
I had the same question. :biggrin:
Quote from: Mermaid on January 03, 2015, 03:07:12 PM
Maybe it's God!
ITS GOD, REVERE HIM!!
Somebody give God a mojito!
Hi Marco, welcome.
I'm so glad your story had a happy ending in it, in your awakening to things. Speaking as a 34 year old gay man myself who while not raised in a religious home is someone who use to believe in things, and who eventually questioned it and came to where I am now, I understand what you've been though, having made friends who have told me there stories of how religion has fucked up portions of there life.
i'm sorry about the life you had to grow up with your father, my own dad, while wasn't physically abusive to me, was more mentally abusive in the sense of never showing any real life to me or my brother. I'm very lucky in having a mother who has been a support to be coming out and being an atheist.
You said earlier on in your post that you still have odd feelings about being gay, which I think might just be afterthoughts from the world you were raised in and its take on homosexuality, but honestly you being a strong macho man with no feminine qualities.. being gay isn't related to feminine qualities my friend, being gay is just a part of your nature and will always be, it doesn't matter if your butch, effeminate, or anything inbetween, so never feel like just because you have all the same traits as your straight friends that you must love women for the same reason.
I hope now, since you've began this journey of yours, that you find what your really want in life, make new friends, and hopefully meet someone one day. Best of luck to you :)
Jason78 and Sgos: No, but I consider myself part of the Christian church, and somebody should say sorry for the way Christians treat people poorly sometimes. It happens. The church is a bunch of messed up people.
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Welcome to the forum Marco. My parents were nonreligious and non-practicing, so I was raised up pretty much atheist. However, my father is not particularly tolerant of gays. He is intelligent enough to understand their plight, but cannot reconcile his, for lack of a better word, revulsion. It hurts, considering that I am bisexual. So, I can understand feeling closed off from that perspective.
Much like you, I do not fit the stereotypes associated with my sexuality either. I am not overly masculine or "butch" as would be expected of some lesbians, and I am not promiscuous or unfaithful as is expected of bisexuals, since it is in my nature to be monogamous. I don't even require both genders at the exact same time or desire men and women equally - as so many people seem to think I should. Lastly, this isn't a phase or a transition to full out "gayness." If it is, dammit, it's been going on since at least 4th grade, and is taking its sweet time.
You're human, like anyone else. You are exactly the way you are suppose to be, since your standards in regards to yourself, are all that matter. Be comfortable in your own skin. You and yourself will be together for a very long time.
Quote from: Jhayward on January 04, 2015, 02:21:27 AM
Jason78 and Sgos: No, but I consider myself part of the Christian church, and somebody should say sorry for the way Christians treat people poorly sometimes. It happens. The church is a bunch of messed up people.
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No worries, some of us get it.
As an atheist, I do hope one day people will no longer need religion, but as a member of the LGBT, I feel people are taking a step in the right direction when I see something like this:
(http://www.redletterchristians.org/wp-content/uploads/Im-Sorry-Campaign.jpg)
Quote from: Jhayward on January 04, 2015, 02:21:27 AM
Jason78 and Sgos: No, but I consider myself part of the Christian church, and somebody should say sorry for the way Christians treat people poorly sometimes. It happens. The church is a bunch of messed up people.
"Speak for the Christian Community" was just an odd choice of words. You can certainly apologize for it as the people in the thread photo do, but you can't speak for it without offending whole denominations throughout the Christian Community that not only cherish their bigotry, but want to spread it and codify it into law. I sort of understood what you really meant, however. It was an attempt at humor.
Here's to being pedantic :jook:
I sincerely would like to thank you all for welcoming me here, and for taking the time to respond to my lengthy post. I look forward to getting to know you all more. This has become my "secret escape" from the madness of religious reality. Because I have to keep my atheism a secret, I usually come on here around two or three o'clock in the morning. I feel kind of strange having to sneak like this, especially as a 42 year old man. If my roommate or family were to find out, they would no longer accept or see me, as they do now. So, thank you for allowing me a place to be my true self, and feel accepted. I wish the best for you all, for 2015.
Always,
Marco :winkle:
Quote from: Jhayward on January 04, 2015, 02:21:27 AM
Jason78 and Sgos: No, but I consider myself part of the Christian church, and somebody should say sorry for the way Christians treat people poorly sometimes. It happens. The church is a bunch of messed up people.
Would you like to start your own introduction thread so that we can say hello and get to know you better too?
Jhayward, sorry I was so flip and snotty. It was a stupid joke that sorta fell flat. I actually appreciate what you've said here. Respect.
Marco, how do you think your roommate would react to you coming out?
Quote from: Munch on January 04, 2015, 09:54:48 AM
Marco, how do you think your roommate would react to you coming out?
You mean coming out again? Like, err... a second coming?
OK, bad joke. But it is sad that he has had to hide two major things about who he is and I'm not even sure if you meant come out as gay or atheist.
Welcome, LovingBeing! I hope you enjoy your stay on the forum!
Quote from: Munch on January 04, 2015, 09:54:48 AM
Marco, how do you think your roommate would react to you coming out?
My roommate comes from a very Catholic family. Most likely, my atheism would ruin our good friendship and he could possibly ask me to leave. I know he has strong feelings about his stand against atheism. At Christmastime, for example, there was a man selling a Catholic painting of "The Last Supper." The man was persistent about selling it to people and so I had made a comment to my roommate. I said, "What if someone were an atheist? They may not be interested in purchasing it then." My roommate got very upset with me and said,"Don't ever say something so blasphemous against God, especially during Christmas." I did not mean any offense by what I said, however, his reaction to that, tells me a lot of how he would react if he found out I am an atheist.
I notice that with Catholics. Very strict and fearful of god. When I was little, if I exclaimed "GOD!" when I was frustrated or angry, my dad (catholic) would scream at me "Do not use the LORD's name in vain!".... I was scared to say it in no time flat and even started telling my classmates in elementary school to not do it.
Even now, while my dad is much more lenient, he is very against being blasphemous. And he tells me non-stop that I shouldn't question things as much as I do.
Catholics, man.... fuck that shit.
In little league baseball (12-years old), I was sitting on the bench with a fellow teammate. I said "Jesus" as a colloquial "swear" about something. My teammate said, "don't use the lord's name in vain." Then his punched me right in the nose. I was shocked. I wasn't hurt. I was just shocked into silence.
Thinking back on it now, I wonder what my teammate went through in his childhood where he thought it was right to punch someone for "using the lord's name in vain." I wonder if he was abused by his parents...
Jesus Fucking Christ.
Yeah. I never punched anyone.... I just told people "oh. you shouldn't say that"
I really pity the religious.... When I think about a lot of the reasons I believed when I did, it was mostly because I was scared to think otherwise... like when my dad would scold me for (cursing) the word "god". Hell, I even defended my belief of Santa Clause until about 3rd or 4th grade. I got really angry at a lot of my classmates for telling me he wasn't real.
And although I was beaten a few times, I wasn't regularly beaten like some people I know. Once my sister was born, no one got beaten.... which really only left me with the only one of their kids being beaten because my brother was only 4 by that time, but I had a good 3 or so years of some pretty frightening beatings. Not many.... maybe like..... 10 max spread over 3 or so years, but still..... that shit scars you. I can't imagine how many catholics have been abused in to a full brainwash like my dad was... because I know he was beaten way more than I was.... and way past the age of 7. Sympathy towards that is key.
Really sorry to here that Marco :S, its always the hope that when we leave our parents we find people more on our own wavelength.
The thing I'd suggest is to begin looking both for a new roommate, and looking for some like minded groups close to you, there must be both gay support groups and atheist groups close to you to find some sense of normalcy from, looking around online. It was a big support for me when I came out being around such groups.
Quote from: Munch on January 05, 2015, 08:31:07 PM
Really sorry to here that Marco :S, its always the hope that when we leave our parents we find people more on our own wavelength.
The thing I'd suggest is to begin looking both for a new roommate, and looking for some like minded groups close to you, there must be both gay support groups and atheist groups close to you to find some sense of normalcy from, looking around online. It was a big support for me when I came out being around such groups.
Thank you for your suggestions. It means a lot to me. I feel very isolated right now, almost to the point of being lonely. In one way, I'm free of religion but in another way, I have no friends, or anyone, I can talk to. I tried to speak to my physician about it, and even he, was disappointed in me for not believing in god. It's a very difficult time for me right now.
First off, welcome. I enjoyed your post and I am glad you found atheism instead of suicide. I hate that you have to hide your true self. People shouldn't have to hide themselves, granted I haven't told my parents so I understand the difficulty. My wife knows I am atheist while she is Catholic, though not the hard core bible thumping Catholic. It also doesn't hurt that the new Pope is throwing a lot of the old ways out the window. I agree with others that have said to find a like minded group to join. I think you'll find that you are not alone in the world. I'm actually moving back to SoCal in a few weeks and after I get settled I plan on looking up atheist and humanist groups because I want to be more active.
Glad to have you here, sorry for all the bullshit that religion made you go through. My process was nowhere near as painful as some on this forum have been, but the biggest issue with deconverting is always attitudes from family members. There are probably four people in my family who know about my atheism, and if I have one regret, it's that four people in my family know about my atheism. But they accept me, I'm still part of the family. Catholics hate apostasy, but of the Christian religions I think Jehovah Witnesses hate it the most. Assholes.
Quote from: LovingBeing on January 07, 2015, 04:37:03 AM
Thank you for your suggestions. It means a lot to me. I feel very isolated right now, almost to the point of being lonely. In one way, I'm free of religion but in another way, I have no friends, or anyone, I can talk to. I tried to speak to my physician about it, and even he, was disappointed in me for not believing in god. It's a very difficult time for me right now.
Well I hope this forum is a step for you and you can find some footing here. Hey, it's not much, but it's a start. So ramble on about your feelings and experiences. It sometimes just helps to barf it up on paper. :smile:
You probably have a lot of sorting to do on your own. In any case, choosing not to end your life is a really great beginning. I hope your journey to carve your place in the world is joyous. You've already been through the shitty stuff. There is so much for you out there!
Quote from: Mermaid on January 09, 2015, 08:26:22 AM
You probably have a lot of sorting to do on your own. In any case, choosing not to end your life is a really great beginning. I hope your journey to carve your place in the world is joyous. You've already been through the shitty stuff. There is so much for you out there!
Basically this. Don't let the failures of others have consequences for you. I know that's a stupid sounding sentence but I really mean it.
People can spend the rest of their lives rolling over about how religion screwed their past up. Or they can down some bargain rum and write a book. I know which side I'm on.
I like the way you put that, Savior. That other people being judgmental enough to drive another person to suicidal thoughts is failing at so much in life. It's so not a stupid sentence or a platitude. It's a perspective that is often hard to grasp but it makes a lot of sense. We are just creatures that need validation and support from other people. I guess the trick is to surround yourself with those people who are able to provide what you need instead of people who are toxic to you and only want to drain you and try to cause you to think poorly of yourself at your very core.