Seriously need some opinionated advice on important decision

[surreptitious57]

I know you have asked for opinionated advice but even with that qualification I can not tell you what
to do as the decision is only one you can make. Though what I can tell you is what I would do were I
in love with someone who did not know that I was an atheist and it could have a significant negative
impact upon them if I did tell them. I would tell them. If I truly loved that person and they loved me
then it would be very wrong for me not to tell them. So that is what I would do. I am not suggesting
now that this is what you should do. For as I have said that is a decision you and only you can make

[Baruch]

GSOgymrat - The Book Of Questions ... an excellent tool.

[LovingBeing]

I sincerely would like to thank all of you for putting in so much time and effort into your responses.  I definitely believe in honesty, as I feel it is the foundation of love.  The reason this issue comes up now for me, is because of marriage.  I could never marry based on a lie.  That being said, my main question was not so much about being dishonest, but more based around the fear of losing someone I love so much.  I truly have no idea of what his reaction will be.  My fear comes from when I hear him say things like, "I am thankful to God, He brought you into my life, Marco," or "I want our love to be confirmed through God."  I made this worse, because when we met, I was still a Catholic theist.  I said a lot of similar things myself back then, such as me believing a god brought us together, or that I want to be together in an afterlife, as well. 

It was not until I started having trouble sleeping last year, that my journey into atheism began.  I could not sleep because my family had instilled a fear of burning in hell for my sexuality.  I would lay awake praying for forgiveness feeling torn between the love for my partner, yet not wanting to go against a god either.  At that time, I started researching about whether a god was real and why he would hate me so much for simply loving someone, just because they have the same genitals as me.  Things started to not make sense.  One thing lead to another, especially with Google searches.  I started researching the Bible and I was so shocked of the slavery, genocide, murder, infanticide, wars and cruelty that I was never told about in Catholic school.  I happened to come across Hemant Mehta's atheist channel on YouTube.  The more I listened to his simple way of explaining complex religious issues, compared to reality, things started making sense.  Long story short, December 25, 2014, Christmas Day, ironically and officially, I became an atheist.  I have not mentioned to my partner about my recovery from religion to reality yet. 

Some of you asked about why get married, if it's just a piece of paper.  We eventually plan to marry in the states, as I live in California.  My partner is a professor and chemist.  I go to school at night and work during the day.  We are both healthy, however, we are both HIV positive.  My concern about marriage is therefore, more about things like rights to see each other.  For example, if one of us became severely ill and hospitalized, we could take care of each other, the same way a heterosexual couple would.  We would not be denied because we can now be considered spouses legally.  Both of us come from a strong work ethic, value and respect property, and the worth of things, and believe in contributing back to society and working hard for what we get.  I mainly want us to have security and peace of mind, with important life decisions, health care, hospitalization, etc., being recognized legally.

I am going to do the right thing, in my mind, and tell my partner about myself.  Then, and only then, can I truly be happy to marry.  I just cannot lie to anyone, much less, someone I love so much.  I do not know what his reaction will be.  However, I remember advice I once gave my younger brother.  I told him, "It is better to have someone get very angry with you, or even hate you, for the truth, than it is to have someone never trust you again for life."  Believe me, I speak from experience and have learned from my past.....so I am going to go with that feeling.  I can only hope things will go well, but at the end of the day, at least I can maintain my integrity, as a man.  I really do appreciate all of the time and effort of your responses.  Thank you again and I hope you are enjoying life.

[Draconic Aiur]

Hello everyone.  I hope you are all well.  I have not posted here in awhile, as I have been busy with work during the day, and school at night.  This is an issue that I generally like to keep private about myself, as I do not fit the stereotypes, that most people see, or think of.  I am a Latino gay male, 43 years of age.  I come from a very Catholic family, and live with a very Catholic roommate.  For the most part, I am a closeted atheist. 

I am a very monogamous man, by choice, because for some reason, I feel that to be natural for me personally.  I believe in marriage and being a good man to both my partner and the world.  I found someone exactly like this, who is the nicest, most caring person.  We have been dating for almost 2 years now and want to get married.  He lives in Mexico and we plan to get married there.  Here is where the problem comes in.  When we first met, I was still Catholic.  I became an atheist last year.  Ironically, it was on Christmas day of 2014.  My partner does not know this.  I am fearful because he says he cannot wait to make our love official through god, and get married in a Catholic church.  I truly want to get married, but it's because I choose this with my heart, not because of a god. 

This has been eating away at me for months.  He always exclaims how happy he is that god brought me into his life.  I am afraid that I will lose the best person I have ever met in my life, if he learns that I am an atheist.  Yet, at the same time, I have not been able to sleep because of this.  I worry about it constantly.  I do not know if I should just keep my atheism a secret, and just go along with a religious ceremony, or if I should just man up, and tell him the truth that I am an atheist.  I am afraid his feelings will change for me, even though, I am still the same person I always was, even when I was religious.  There is this big part of me, I guess it's the way I am genetically programmed, that does not like to lie about things.  I am confused as to what to do because I do not want to lose the one person who I finally found love with.  I hope some of you could give me your different opinions and opinionated advice for me, too.  What would some of you do in my situation, regardless, of your sexual orientation, or gender?  I sincerely appreciate your time for reading this.

Take care,
Marco

how can a gay person be catholic?

[LovingBeing]

how can a gay person be catholic?

There are a lot of gay Catholic organizations in San Diego, California, like Dignity, etc., as well as, several "Christian" gay affirming churches.  Dignity also arranges gay Catholic marriages.  However, at the same time, I do see the contradiction you point out.  I still cannot believe I once bought into all the indoctrination of religion.

[LovingBeing]

how can a gay person be catholic?

Now that I think about it, in my opinion, the Catholic religion is the one that is most gay.......the way the Pope dresses and Roman Catholic clergy dress....crowns, robes, and glitter.....I blame them for making pedophilia be associated with homosexuality, again, just my opinion. 

[Draconic Aiur]

Yeah Im like "Do they pray to be destroyed?", read your own damn bible! lol

[peacewithoutgod]

He needs to know who you are, so you need to clear up this lie of omission, if you have allowed him to think you too are a believer now. Presuming he has other reasons for wanting to marry you, what you believe on what nobody can really prove exists should not outweigh what else he knows you to believe in. Moreover, you need to know this about him, before you take that big step - because if he is one who would walk away over something so ridiculous as this, than you may be better off with somebody else!

[GSOgymrat]

i don't understand why it's so important to get married and sign a paper that confirms they are married.

One word: MONEY. When our estate planner said "Your partner's pension only goes to a surviving legal spouse, so if he dies that $350,000 just goes back to his employer" our response was WE ARE SO GETTING MARRIED. Here are some other reasons why we went to the courthouse and paid $100 dollars:

Tax Benefits
•Filing joint income tax returns with the IRS and state taxing authorities.
•Creating a "family partnership" under federal tax laws, which allows you to divide business income among family members.

Estate Planning Benefits
•Inheriting a share of your spouse's estate.
•Receiving an exemption from both estate taxes and gift taxes for all property you give or leave to your spouse.
•Creating life estate trusts that are restricted to married couples, including QTIP trusts, QDOT trusts, and marital deduction trusts.
•Obtaining priority if a conservator needs to be appointed for your spouse -- that is, someone to make financial and/or medical decisions on your spouse's behalf.

Government Benefits
•Receiving Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits for spouses.
•Receiving veterans' and military benefits for spouses, such as those for education, medical care, or special loans.
•Receiving public assistance benefits.

Employment Benefits
•Obtaining insurance benefits through a spouse's employer.
•Taking family leave to care for your spouse during an illness.
•Receiving wages, workers' compensation, and retirement plan benefits for a deceased spouse.
•Taking bereavement leave if your spouse or one of your spouse's close relatives dies.

Medical Benefits
•Visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit or during restricted visiting hours in other parts of a medical facility.
•Making medical decisions for your spouse if he or she becomes incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment.

Death Benefits
•Consenting to after-death examinations and procedures.
•Making burial or other final arrangements.

Family Benefits
•Filing for stepparent or joint adoption.
•Applying for joint foster care rights.
•Receiving equitable division of property if you divorce.
•Receiving spousal or child support, child custody, and visitation if you divorce.

Housing Benefits
•Living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only."
•Automatically renewing leases signed by your spouse.

Consumer Benefits
•Receiving family rates for health, homeowners', auto, and other types of insurance.
•Receiving tuition discounts and permission to use school facilities.
•Other consumer discounts and incentives offered only to married couples or families.

Other Legal Benefits and Protections
•Suing a third person for wrongful death of your spouse and loss of consortium (loss of intimacy).
•Suing a third person for offenses that interfere with the success of your marriage, such as alienation of affection and criminal conversation (these laws are available in only a few states).
•Claiming the marital communications privilege, which means a court can't force you to disclose the contents of confidential communications between you and your spouse during your marriage.
•Receiving crime victims' recovery benefits if your spouse is the victim of a crime.
•Obtaining immigration and residency benefits for noncitizen spouse.
•Visiting rights in jails and other places where visitors are restricted to immediate family.

[aitm]

I think you should soften the blow by telling him you're not really gay...

[Baruch]

I think you should soften the blow by telling him you're not really gay...

Right ... snappy dressers pass for gay all the time ;-)

Yes, historically the Catholic Church is gay affirming, provided you never act on your urges.  The recent false association of pedophilia with gayness, is part of an internal Catholic political battle IMHO ... and brings the Catholics closer to the hypocritical Protestant position.  Undoubtably the ice berg under the water is the diddling with women and girls .. not men or boys.  Celibacy is a very crazy standard.

[peacewithoutgod]

One word: MONEY. When our estate planner said "Your partner's pension only goes to a surviving legal spouse, so if he dies that $350,000 just goes back to his employer" our response was WE ARE SO GETTING MARRIED. Here are some other reasons why we went to the courthouse and paid $100 dollars:

Tax Benefits
•Filing joint income tax returns with the IRS and state taxing authorities.
•Creating a "family partnership" under federal tax laws, which allows you to divide business income among family members.

Estate Planning Benefits
•Inheriting a share of your spouse's estate.
•Receiving an exemption from both estate taxes and gift taxes for all property you give or leave to your spouse.
•Creating life estate trusts that are restricted to married couples, including QTIP trusts, QDOT trusts, and marital deduction trusts.
•Obtaining priority if a conservator needs to be appointed for your spouse -- that is, someone to make financial and/or medical decisions on your spouse's behalf.

Government Benefits
•Receiving Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits for spouses.
•Receiving veterans' and military benefits for spouses, such as those for education, medical care, or special loans.
•Receiving public assistance benefits.

Employment Benefits
•Obtaining insurance benefits through a spouse's employer.
•Taking family leave to care for your spouse during an illness.
•Receiving wages, workers' compensation, and retirement plan benefits for a deceased spouse.
•Taking bereavement leave if your spouse or one of your spouse's close relatives dies.

Medical Benefits
•Visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit or during restricted visiting hours in other parts of a medical facility.
•Making medical decisions for your spouse if he or she becomes incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment.

Death Benefits
•Consenting to after-death examinations and procedures.
•Making burial or other final arrangements.

Family Benefits
•Filing for stepparent or joint adoption.
•Applying for joint foster care rights.
•Receiving equitable division of property if you divorce.
•Receiving spousal or child support, child custody, and visitation if you divorce.

Housing Benefits
•Living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only."
•Automatically renewing leases signed by your spouse.

Consumer Benefits
•Receiving family rates for health, homeowners', auto, and other types of insurance.
•Receiving tuition discounts and permission to use school facilities.
•Other consumer discounts and incentives offered only to married couples or families.

Other Legal Benefits and Protections
•Suing a third person for wrongful death of your spouse and loss of consortium (loss of intimacy).
•Suing a third person for offenses that interfere with the success of your marriage, such as alienation of affection and criminal conversation (these laws are available in only a few states).
•Claiming the marital communications privilege, which means a court can't force you to disclose the contents of confidential communications between you and your spouse during your marriage.
•Receiving crime victims' recovery benefits if your spouse is the victim of a crime.
•Obtaining immigration and residency benefits for noncitizen spouse.
•Visiting rights in jails and other places where visitors are restricted to immediate family.

In all fairness to those whose only "family" are their friends (as well as those denied marriage benefits for any gender-related reason), right here is a whole shitpile social injustices in need of reform!