From Theism to Atheism to Confusion

[ConfusedSkeptic]

Hey all,

I want to share my religious experience with you in the hopes of getting some advice on how am I supposed to proceed.

My Theism:

I was brought up in a Muslim family. My parents didn't force me to practice Islam, but they exposed me to its core ideas.

Later on, I felt that I needed to develop my relationship with God. So, I became a devout Muslim. I gave up many things, for God, that I used to do that were regarded as sin. I loved God and I felt that He loved me back.

However, I slowly started to get back to some of my sinful habits of my past. I felt horrible for disobeying God in favor of Satan. Although I prayed for God's forgiveness and help, my sins where becoming more frequent with time.

I felt like a hypocrite for praying and, then, committing sin. Therefore, I stopped praying. I felt so guilty, and it was painful for me just to exist knowing that the Creator of the cosmos was angry with me.

What once was the source of my comfort became the source of my misery.

My Atheism:

Because I knew that God is all-knowing and all-seeing, I realized that I couldn't escape from God. I felt his anger at all times. I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted an exit.

That was when I considered atheism as an option. I thought: No God -> no sin -> no guilt. Granted, I still believed in God at that point. I just wanted to stop believing in Him because He was the source of my misery.

However, I needed a reason to validate my position as to why I stopped believing in God. That was when I discovered evolution. I thought: If evolution is a fact, then God didn't create Adam and Eve. Therefore, Islam is false. [I know, now, that the belief in evolution doesn't require the disbelief in a God. However, I just needed something to validate my position]. I just ran with the idea.

Afterwards, I lost my faith, and I spent the next two years as an atheist. I became driven and happy for the first time after my emotional struggle with God. I was free from dogma, and I had nobody to tell me that I was wrong about anything. It was liberating.

Granted, I still asked myself this question every day: What if you're wrong? However, my knowledge of evolution always seemed to silence my doubts.

My Confusion:

Side note: It's ironic that many atheists, who were devout theists, have lost their faith by learning more about their religion.

(With this in mind, let's continue)

Recently, I came out as an atheist to my uncle, and, therefore, he challenged my position.

Since then, I realized that I didn't go through the process of de-conversion after investigating the claims of Islam. I didn't learn something new about Islam and went: This is irrational and unjustified. Heck, I've never, fully, read the Quran, and I don't know its stance on many subjects. Instead, I just rejected Islam. Therefore, I felt that I wasn't a legitimate atheist.

Now, I'd like to think of myself as a skeptic. Although, I might be the worst skeptic ever. I'm biased. I don't want to live a religious life anymore. Having a divine purpose for my life makes me depressed, and, deep down, I hope that there is no God.

My Struggle:

On the one hand, I'm scared to learn more about Islam. What if I found that that Islam is the true religion? Then what? I'd feel more arrogant for not following the rules, and, therefore, I'd feel guiltier than I ever did. I don't want that.

On the other hand, I can't conclude that Islam is a false religion if I don't investigate its claims.

Because of my fear of Islam being true, I've been looking up resources that only refute the Islamic claims. Moreover, I'm not looking for any resources for the Islamic case because I don't want to find out that Islam is the true religion. That's why I think that I'm the worst skeptic ever.

In any case, I feel that I have rational reasons to doubt Islam. But still, I'm not discussing my arguments with anyone in the fear of them being refuted.

I know. I may be as bad as the religious people who refuse to examine the arguments against their religion. For them, religion is their comfort blanket. For me, atheism is my comfort blanket.

What am I supposed to do now? Do you think that my atheism was justified? Any tips on how to proceed?

Sorry for this long post. I just wanted to release. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I really appreciate it.

[SGOS]

You have been brainwashed.  This is the source of your confusion.  You can't think your own thoughts, without having those delusions taught to you as a child pop into your head.  But what if they are not delusions?  What if they are?  Will Allah punish me?  Maybe he exists after all.  But maybe he doesn't. 

Yep, that's confusion.

Logic and religion cannot intersect.  You can choose one or the other.

... Or maybe you can't.  <maniacal laughter>

[stromboli]

You are not an atheist nor have you ever been. You are at best an agnostic.

Start here.
http://falseislam.org/

Until you actually look at it and disprove it to yourself, you are nothing but confused.

And welcome.

[Hijiri Byakuren]

"What if you're wrong?"

There's an awful lot of religions you can be wrong about. The choices are not limited to, "Islam or nothing." What if Christianity is real, and you're headed to Hell either way because you never believed in Jesus as the son of God? What if Buddhism is real, and your refusal to seek enlightenment is keeping you stuck in the cycle of life and death? What if Wicca is real, and you're worried over nothing because we're all headed for the Summerland anyway? What if Scientology is real? What if Greek paganism is real? What if any paganism is real? What if Hinduism is real? What if Shinto is real? What if Zoroastrianism is real? What if Judaism is real?

I could go on, but you probably get the point. There's nothing particularly special about Islam in the "what if you're wrong" department.

[pr126]

ConfusedSkeptic wrote:

I loved God and I felt that He loved me back.

What an incredible story.

Maybe you should read Quran 4:89

"They but wish that ye should reject Faith, as they do, and thus be on the same footing (as they): But take not friends from their ranks until they flee in the way of Allah (From what is forbidden). But if they turn renegades, seize them and slay them wherever ye find them; and (in any case) take no friends or helpers from their ranks."

[Desdinova]

Welcome to our forum.  So you are afraid of God?  This is what keeps you shackled to religion.  Fear is the greatest power religion has over you.  Until you can overcome your fear you will not be able to objectively analyze both sides of the issue.  Religion will always have a foothold.  You will continue to struggle with your confusion.  Being afraid of death makes you afraid of life.  It may take years for you to reconcile these issues.

[SNP1]

It isn't your job to falsify Islam. If the burden of proof worked that way then you would have to falsify every possible god, which would be impossible. The ones saying Islam is the correct religion need to support that claim with evidence.

[SGOS]

Since then, I realized that I didn't go through the process of de-conversion after investigating the claims of Islam. I didn't learn something new about Islam and went: This is irrational and unjustified. Heck, I've never, fully, read the Quran, and I don't know its stance on many subjects. Instead, I just rejected Islam. Therefore, I felt that I wasn't a legitimate atheist.

It's not necessary to read the entire Quran or the entire Bible.  Just read a few pages, and a rational person will soon spot bullshit.  You can then reject such writings because they are not credible sources.  Once you recognize bullshit, you don't need to keep reading more bullshit in an attempt to believe it's not bullshit.

This is not rocket science.  When a source of information starts talking about angels, talking snakes, fantastic miracles, and people coming back to life, you should know that it's not talking about things that are real.  If you still don't question the source, you're probably beyond help.

It sounds to me that Muslims suffer from the same mental afflictions as Christians.  They both think that if you don't believe, the cure is to learn more bullshit.  At some point in your life, you need to get off the merry-go-round and leave the bullshit behind.  I spent a lot of my life on that merry-go-round searching for that little gem of knowledge that would turn bullshit into truth.  It took me a long time to realize that trying to learn more only revealed more nonsense.

[Mr.Obvious]

That was when I considered atheism as an option. I thought: No God -> no sin -> no guilt. Granted, I still believed in God at that point. I just wanted to stop believing in Him because He was the source of my misery.

So, you weren't an atheist?

I'm sorry to say that, if this was an honest post, I don't think you'll find much resonance here. It's just that your post is pinacle of a strawman-version of atheism. "You actually believe in God, you just want to sin."
I can't speak for the others, but I sure as hell can't relate. Which, again not speaking for others, makes me sceptical seeing as you are the first person I've ever met who discribes himself as such a faux-atheïst.
I don't disbelief because I wish to sin. I lack belief because there's nothing to substantiate it.

[Light Craftsman]

Welcome, ConfusedSkeptic. You've received some good advice here so far. I'll reiterate that you should not be afraid of studying islam. Doing so with an open mind will probably alleviate your fears. Studying the Bible led me away from Christianity. The more I learned about the religion the less sense it made. As others have mentioned, religion's main hold on people is fear, and knowledge overcomes fear.

[pr126]

No God -> no sin -> no guilt.

As far as I know, the concept of guilt does not exist in Islam.
Guilt is a Christian construct.

Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) having said: By Him in Whose Hand is my life, if you were not to commit sin, Allah would sweep you out of existence and He would replace (you by) those people who would commit sin and seek forgiveness from Allah, and He would have pardoned them.

Sahih Muslim Book 037, Hadith Number 6622.

[Hydra009]

My Atheism:

Because I knew that God is all-knowing and all-seeing, I realized that I couldn't escape from God. I felt his anger at all times. I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted an exit.

That was when I considered atheism as an option. I thought: No God -> no sin -> no guilt. Granted, I still believed in God at that point. I just wanted to stop believing in Him because He was the source of my misery.

That's not atheism.  And definitely not the path to atheism, which typically involves doubts regarding religious dogmas and the existence of god.  Theists are the god-fearers, not atheists.

However, I needed a reason to validate my position as to why I stopped believing in God. That was when I discovered evolution. I thought: If evolution is a fact, then God didn't create Adam and Eve. Therefore, Islam is false. [I know, now, that the belief in evolution doesn't require the disbelief in a God. However, I just needed something to validate my position]. I just ran with the idea.

Conclusion first, reasoning (and pretty bad reasoning at that) second.  Again, this is how theists operate, not atheists.

Afterwards, I lost my faith, and I spent the next two years as an atheist. I became driven and happy for the first time after my emotional struggle with God. I was free from dogma, and I had nobody to tell me that I was wrong about anything. It was liberating.

Given your previous statements, this was not a genuine liberation.

Granted, I still asked myself this question every day: What if you're wrong? However, my knowledge of evolution always seemed to silence my doubts.

FFS...

Recently, I came out as an atheist to my uncle, and, therefore, he challenged my position.

Since then, I realized that I didn't go through the process of de-conversion after investigating the claims of Islam. I didn't learn something new about Islam and went: This is irrational and unjustified. Heck, I've never, fully, read the Quran, and I don't know its stance on many subjects. Instead, I just rejected Islam. Therefore, I felt that I wasn't a legitimate atheist.

Precisely.  Except replace "legitimate atheist" with "atheist".

Now, I'd like to think of myself as a skeptic. Although, I might be the worst skeptic ever. I'm biased. I don't want to live a religious life anymore. Having a divine purpose for my life makes me depressed, and, deep down, I hope that there is no God.

That's not even remotely how skepticism works.

On the one hand, I'm scared to learn more about Islam. What if I found that that Islam is the true religion?

I find it amusing that this is considered a plausible outcome.

Because of my fear of Islam being true, I've been looking up resources that only refute the Islamic claims. Moreover, I'm not looking for any resources for the Islamic case because I don't want to find out that Islam is the true religion. That's why I think that I'm the worst skeptic ever.

I'm inclined to agree.

In any case, I feel that I have rational reasons to doubt Islam. But still, I'm not discussing my arguments with anyone in the fear of them being refuted.

Again, this is not how skepticism works.

I know. I may be as bad as the religious people who refuse to examine the arguments against their religion.
For them, religion is their comfort blanket. For me, atheism is my comfort blanket.

This certainly seems to be the case.

What am I supposed to do now? Do you think that my atheism was justified? Any tips on how to proceed?

Read up on atheism and skepticism.  Try again, this time from a position of intellectual honesty.

[ApostateLois]

I'm not sure I understand this. You believed in God....but you wanted to NOT believe in him? That's a strange thing to say. Those who believe in God generally cannot even comprehend the idea of not believing in him, because it is so much a part of who they are. You might as well say that you wished you didn't believe in your mother's love.

So the question I have to ask is this: Do you, at this moment, believe in God, or do you not? If you do not accept the existence of God, or any gods, and realize that everything you were taught about him was just a bunch of lies made up by priests long ago for controlling the weak and the gullible, then you are an atheist. If you have accepted that you can't really know if there is a god or not based on what you have observed of the world around you, then you're an agnostic. If you still believe in God, then you're a theist. If that God is named Allah, then you're a Muslim.

Based on what you have said in what I shall assume to be a serious post and not some weirdly ineffective trolling, it seems to me that what you are really experiencing is a crisis of faith, or perhaps just some confusion about what, exactly, your religion teaches about things like sin and guilt. When you read the Quran, do you find yourself thinking, "That's not right," or "That's stupid," or "This makes no sense at all," or similar thoughts? When you ask your parents and other people to explain things to you, do their answers seem inadequate or evasive? When you pray, does it feel like nobody is really listening and that it's a waste of time? If you're having feelings like this, then you might be on your way to being an atheist.

[Unbeliever]

Because I knew that God is all-knowing and all-seeing, I realized that I couldn't escape from God. I felt his anger at all times. I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted an exit.

Given that Allah, the Islamic God is the same Abrahamic God as the Jewish and Christian God, all of you being "people of the book," then you believe in a theistic God, who is, by your definition, "all knowing."

But this brings up a fundamental contradiction in the nature of God (among many others):

If God/Allah is truly ALL knowing, then he is powerless to change anything he's always known he would do or not do, so he cannot be free. So either he is all-knowing or he is free, but he cannot be both. If he is not either of those then he cannot be the theistic type of God, though he could be some lesser god that hasn't the omnimax attributes.

If a being with such conflicting attributes cannot logically exist, then I posit that such a being does not, in fact, exist. So we needn't keep trying to come up with excuses why we don't believe. We have logic on our side, even if Spock is dead.

[pr126]

I suspect that the OP is bogus.

A confused Christian might have written it, but not a Muslim.
I have read quite a few ex-Muslims testimonies, and this is not remotely resembles one.

I wonder if he/she will reply.