A Sonnett

transientangent · Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 2:03 am Post subject: A Sonnett

3
Anxiety attacks me in the middle of the night
I've another morning left to live, still more after that
These two in here beside me will soon drive me mad
I've no exit from these loons, no escapes left in sight

The one is a preacher, he's the worse of the two
Don't give him any trust, he'll refuse all your doubt
The one sounds nice but knows not what truth is about
Half the time he's a thief, and the rest he's a fool

The second is kinder, a common kind of guy
But he's going nowhere, only listens to one
He made his decision, he'd enjoy playing dumb
He's anxious to be happy, as I am for right.

Nine billion names for God, and none are known so far
Six billion people searching, and all are in the dark

We were to write sonnetts for english class. 10 or 12 syllable lines, 14 lines total. Part of the reason it sounds off in places is the lack of iambs, and I really would have liked to flex and bend it more, but this is how it will look being turned in. I'm going to try and rework it in a way satisfying my form, and will repost when it's reworked to satisfaction.

Just thought, you know, that some of you might be interested. I'd like to hear any suggestions or comments you think of.

Ilovelucy · Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 7:18 am Post subject:

Liked it so much I wrote my own version! Please consider it a reply or a translation into Londonese rather than an attempt at a redraft.

A mental twinge cuts my night?s sleep in two
My life, one morning more. Repeat, repeat.
My two bed buddies chat some mindless shite,
I?m ransomed to the vapid guff they spew.

One?s a holy man, worst of the pair.
With pomp, he bats away my reasoned pleas.
His tone is warm, in contrast to his creeds,
He?s in my pocket when out of my hair.

The other is your normal type of bloke,
A listener, with no views of his own.
He murmurs ?yes, yes? in a sleepy tone,
I?d like to give his reticence a poke!

So many names for God, which one is right?
A nation in the dark. Let?s hit the light!
_________________
River Incident

A shell arched under my toes,
Stirred up a whirl of silt
That riffled around my knees.
Whatever I owed to time
Slowed in my human form;
Sea water stood in my veins,
The elements I kept warm
Crumbled and flowed away,
And I knew I had been there before,
In that cold granitic slime,
In the dark, in the rolling water.

Theodore Roethke

transientangent · Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 2:43 pm Post subject:

I like your version as well, possibly better than mine. In translating it though, you let go of the allusions I made to Jean-Paul Sartre and Arthur C. Clarke. I actually wrote the last two lines last, and then worked from the beginning, which is why they seem a little out of place. I really enjoyed the tone of your redraft more though.

P.S. My hands keep on spelling sonnet with two t's despite my best wishes.
_________________
everything is changing
a constant flow
our existence - a photograph
the time - like slow-motion
did someone realize
that our life is based
on the history we've been taught
we are living the results of a lie

Project Pitchfork - "Existence"

Ilovelucy · Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 3:05 pm Post subject:

Cheers. When I get writers block I do poetry translations, just goes to show how much can be lost in that process! Just read the line in the ACC wiki article. "overhead, without any fuss, the stars were going out." Good stuff!
_________________
River Incident

A shell arched under my toes,
Stirred up a whirl of silt
That riffled around my knees.
Whatever I owed to time
Slowed in my human form;
Sea water stood in my veins,
The elements I kept warm
Crumbled and flowed away,
And I knew I had been there before,
In that cold granitic slime,
In the dark, in the rolling water.

Theodore Roethke

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