My Spiderman III review...by Specus. Age 30.

Specus_Meretricis

I wrote this on Moloth's site, but I kinda wanted to see what you guys thought of the movie. So here is my review of it:

Okay...here is what I saw today:

Just as I sat down in the theater, I thought about Scott's joke "Superman III" on this thread, and then the sinking horror hit me. In Superman II, Superman decided he wanted to be Clark Kent so he could have a normal life with Lois "Crazy Legs" Lane. In Spiderman II, Spider man decided he wanted to be Peter Parker so he could have a normal life with MJ "Pebble Teeth" Watson. Superman III, he turns evil (well selfish and funny and horny). I felt sick. I almost puked my Sour Patch kids up in my friend's hair. Not for the first time either but that is another story.

But as it turned out, it wasn't that bad. It was actually very good. No, it wasn't as "good" as the other two, but being that this is a comic book come to life I understand that some issues will appeal to me over others. My biggest complaint is the action and fight scenes. Yes there is a lot of it, but it seemed weaker than the last two. I was expecting more balls to the wall-eye exploding sequences since we were dealing with three villains. Not to mention the grand daddy of all the villains in the series: Venom.
Sandman was fucking annoying. After a while I was calling him "Cat Litter Man", seriously! If I had to hear about his sick daughter, bad choices, not wanting to hurt anyone again, I was going to throw a bottle of Merlot at the screen. Yes. We fucking get it! You are complicated! You are not one dimensional! There are REASONS YOU ARE BAD MOTHER FUCKER!!!
Which is why I loved Venom. Eddie Brock was an asshole even before he was infected. So the only difference now was that he is an asshole with super powers! Oh, and there is this part (there always is "this part" in the Spiderman movies by the way) where Spiderman, sans mask, is tied...by the wrist...to the black web and Venom is straddling him...straddling him without face mask or shirt...and taunting him. He then shoves his big black Venom cock into Spiderman's pink virginal rectum and pumps him full of rancid, burning, alien jizz. You can't see maybe half of that in the theaters, unless you go to IMAX or just wait for the DVD version.
Yeah, Topher Grace pulled fuck head better than Tobey Magquire. Tobey just brushed his hair more Emo and acted like your drunk aunt at a wedding. Topher at least went to church and prayed to God to kill Peter Parker.
I was sad to see Harry Osbourn, Hobgoblin, die...especially in such a noble way because he was fucking hilarious. Stupid, rich, boorish, and self centered, he was the Paris Hilton of the series. I would have preferred he died while accidentally setting his hotel room wet bar on fire, but there is a reason why they don't let me make movies I guess. Though I was the only one that laughed really loud when Osbourn threw that grenade at Parker, while he was in Venom dickhead mode, and without barely batting an eye, Parker just used his web to whip the grenade back at Osbourn, where it exploded in his face!
But over all, I really liked it and enjoyed it. I will be sad if they decide to stop making this series or if Tobey Maguire gets some notion that he is actually a good actor and wants to make "serious" film. He's cute, fuckable even, but he is nothing past a dolphin eyed "Aw shucks" character actor.

Oh, there are spoilers on this.

Moloth · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 4:08 pm Post subject:

""MJ "Pebble Teeth" Watson""

bwah!

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Last edited by Moloth on Tue Feb 30, 2026 13:61 am; edited 426 times in total

Uncertainty · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 4:27 pm Post subject:

I haven't seen it, but I was confused by that guy playing venom. I always thought venom was supposted to be like a big bad ass buff guy. I guess I wouldn't really know though since I've never really read any comics. I have a hard time imagining the guy playing venom as anything but Eric Forman..

Specus_Meretricis · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 4:32 pm Post subject:

SvZurich · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 5:59 pm Post subject:

I loved the film! Very Happy

I deem it better than the first. I think they spent exactly the right amount of time on each villain and character, and it flowed well. Plus Ron Howard's little girl Bryce is very easy on the eyes. If I were Peter, I'd so drop MJ for Gwen (but then again that is why Gwen was killed by the Green Goblin in 1975).

I can't wait to see it again, and to own it on DVD.

But Sony, FUCK YOU for making yet another extended Spider-Man 2 DVD AFTER I bought the good version. Your Spiderman 2.1 DVD can go to hell.
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SalsaShark · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 6:12 pm Post subject:

Well, here's my little tidbit. I'm a huge comic book movie guy. I absolutely love them. Odd because I never really got into comic books. I wish I did, but I didn't. Anyways, X-Men 2 was my faviourite movie for a long time (actually, it was my favourite movie before I realized it was my favourite movie). Generally I've found that I can tell when people will think comic book movies will suck after I watch them without reading any reviews and what not. However, after this movie absolutely blew me away I was surprized to find that a ton of people don't like it. Man, I thought it was amazing.

Anyways, spoilers are probably ahead, but maybe not. So if you haven't seen it yet and some of the following gives the movie away for you, well I kind of warned you.

For starters, special effects were phenomenal. It was just the right touch of realistic and comic bookish special effects. However, if you want entirely realistic effects - don't watch comic book movies.

As for the story, I've read a lot of people were pissed off that the villans weren't developed. First of all, Harry took 3 movies to develope, so they are wrong there. Plus, I think this was James Franco's best performance to date. (I have a soft spot for him because he rules in Freaks and Geeks.) The Sandman wasn't there to be a well developed character, all you really need to know is that he's a good guy that made some bad decisions - and if you don't get that after watching the movie then you're a fuckin' idiot. He's there to fuel Peter's dark side. That's what his role in this movie is. Even so, what more do you want from him?

And then there is Venom. He gets his own paragraph because IT'S FUCKIN' VENOM! Anyways, I think the honest to goodness reason they put venom in this movie is because he has a huge following. Probably one of the most well know story arcs in comic book history is the story of venom symbiote. I think he was put in this movie because people want to see him in action. The story of the symbiote is intriguing and what not, but you get most of that without dragging the story down. But seriously, anyone who says there is a lack of character developement must be blind because it's pretty fucking obvious what the symbiote does to you, even without Dr. Connor's description. And honestly, I gotta say, Eric Forman pulled it off. I Think he did a fantastic job of Venom, he was a power-hungry prick that just didn't actually have power. He may not have been WELL developed, but you got a fairly good idea that he was a douchebag before the symbiote gets ahold of him, only making him far more badass when it does get him.

As for Toby, I think this was his best spiderman yet. They wrote him really well. I'm kind of sick of people complaining when movies don't follow the comic book, or the book, or whatever. I mean, if you want that story, then just read the fucking comic. That is why I think they had a great mix of humour and being a giant douchebag. Plus, the goth thing was absolutely brilliante. They hit the nail right on the head with that one. I mean it's corny, it's lame, and it's fuckin' hilarious. It reminded me of the first spiderman when he was trying to figure out how to shoot the webbing, and he did the fuckin' metal horns with his hands. Rock on! Don't get me wrong, goths are fuckin' losers, but that's exactly the point!

Mary Jane was kind of a bitch - which was rad. Really played well in the story. Even her bad singing worked because it was supposed to be bad. If she was a good singer, there would be little turmoil between her and Peter.

Gwen could have used a bit more screen time, but if they make a 4th I have a feeling we'll be seeing much more of her. I really think this one was just to introduce her. I could be wrong, in which case it's a shame she didn't get more developement

As for the story itself, I think it was great. That perfect mix of entertainment and morallity that we come to love from the Marvel movies (OK, really only X-Men and Spiderman). I honestly don't think it seemed choppy. It had a lot of characters to follow and I think they pulled it off as best as they could.

I gotta say, going into this movie I pretty well set myself up for a huge disappointment. I had the highest of expectations for this movie. IT HAD FUCKIN' VENOM! so of course I was excited. And honestly it surpassed my expectations. To me, it is better than the other two. I think it had the perfect mix of action, humour, storytelling, and drama. I now rank my superhero movies as follows:

Spiderman 3
X-Men 2
Spiderman 2
Spiderman
X-Men
Batman Begins
The Hulk
X-Men 3
Superman Returns

Daredevil, Fantastic 4, all the other Batmans, etc...

Given this list I hope you get where I'm coming from in loving Spidey 3 so much. It just blew me away. Best movie I've seen in theatres so far this year. I strongly recomend it - as long as you go in expecting a superhero movie! That's the only reason I think people don't like this movie is because they were expecting something more than a superhero movie.
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SalsaShark · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 6:13 pm Post subject: asdf

Wow, that was a lot longer than it seemed when writing it.

Specus_Meretricis · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 6:21 pm Post subject:

Uncertainty · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 8:47 pm Post subject:

I just watched it (amazing I know) I thought it was pretty lame; maybe I'm just too awesome to handle most films dialogue and writing.

EDIT: Oh yeah uh spoilers? Sorry if I ruin your life.

I'm not sure what was with spidermans little "omg I need bangs now" move. I have sexy parted to one side bangs, as far as I know they're normally related to emo suicide and being a wuss, not killing someone else and being a jerk. Actually it almost looked like they had darkened around his eyes too; it almost seemed like a parody of spiderman III whenever he had his little bangs going not to mention when he started thinking he was cool. Sadly his hair kind of started looking like mine far into it like when he took that girl to where Mary Jane worked, of course mine's not gel'd, or that color I don't think, and mines longer. Still I kind of feel like changing it again :O

Mary Jane should of just been with Harry, I mean he's rich, he has deep psychological problems, he has a nice face scar (it adds character!), how do you resist that? Peter should of been with that girl across the hall, because he is a dork. I think that's really all that needs to be said there.

Mostly I enjoyed watching Peter and Harry fight each other, I don't know maybe I have a sick sense of humor.

SalsaShark · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 9:08 pm Post subject:

I never thought of it as emo, but as goth. They are obviously related I know, but goths seem to dress in black and have the same stupid haircut and are generally actually darker. I mean, goths are just as lame, but it seems that emos are wanna be goths and goths actually seem like they at least understand their little gay subculture, whereas emos are just people that are whiney and bitchy with nothing to be whiney and bitchy about.

But yeah, the Harry vs. Peter fight at the beginning was fuckin' awesome. Probably the best fight in the movie.
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SvZurich · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 9:23 pm Post subject:

I still like his neighbor. She's pretty damn hot. Still, Gwen is where it is at, and Ron Howard's genes impress me now.
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Specus_Meretricis · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 9:24 pm Post subject:

Someone post a photo of Clint Howard next to Brice, please. Thank you.
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Uncertainty · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 9:52 pm Post subject:

I don't really think he looked goth, not that I know the details of any dumb subculture thing. When I think of goth I think of this

which wasn't really how he looked.

SalsaShark · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 10:52 pm Post subject:

Alright, I'll give you that. But when I think of emo, I think of this:

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Specus_Meretricis · Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 10:55 pm Post subject:

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