Gross Jokes

Jason_Harvestdancer · Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 10:47 am Post subject: Gross Jokes

Three old men are in the nursing home complaining about their health.

The first one says "I've got it bad. Every morning at 6:30 I wake up and gotta pee, but my prostate is so swollen it just dribbles out for hours. It's awful."

The second one says "I've got it bad. Every morning at 7:30 I wake up and gotta shit, but I'm so constipated I'm on the pot all morning. It's awful."

The third one says "That's nothing. Every morning at 6:30 I piss like a racehorse. Every morning at 7:30 I shit like a pig. Every morning at 8:30 I wake up."
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Moloth · Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 10:50 am Post subject:

*nods approvingly*

nice.
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Last edited by Moloth on Tue Feb 30, 2026 13:61 am; edited 426 times in total

Jason_Harvestdancer · Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 10:51 am Post subject:

A man is visiting a bar and he sees a very large jar of $20 bills on the bar. He asks the bartender about it.

"Well, it's a long standing bet. You throw your $20 in and if you win you get the entire jar."

"What do I have to do?"

"Well, first you have to drink an entire bottle of Jalapeno tequila in one pull. Second, there's a dog out back. It's got rabies, and it's also got a bad tooth that needs to be pulled. You need to pull the tooth for it. Finally, upstairs is my sister-in-law, full glory of 600 lbs, who has never known a man's affection. You gotta have sex with her. If you can do all three, you win the jar."

The man thinks about it, decides against it, drinks a lot of beer, changes his mind, and throws his $20 in the jar.

The bartender hands him the tequila, which he manages to drink down. A little queasy he asks "ok, where's the dog?"

He's pointed out back. The patrons hear the noise of a vicious fight, the dog snarling, growling, biting, and then finally the dog howling in pain.

The man staggers back, in really bad shape, torn up and bleeding and say "ok, where's the woman with the bad tooth?"
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Nos laetus edo qui votum opprimo nobis.

LakeGeorgeMan actually think's I'm Socrates.

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Paranoia21 · Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 3:54 pm Post subject:

monkeybyte · Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 6:35 pm Post subject:

Some men are sitting around, placing bets on nasty, demeaning dares.
Soon enough, "eating shit" comes up, with $100 on the dare.
"I can." boasts one man.
The foul morsel is produced in a bowl, and he chows down on the steaming dookie without so much as a grimace or a suppresed gag. The others see this as an opportunity to cash in on a larger betting pool. The take him to a nearby bar and tell everyone inside of his talent. Of course, everyone bets against him, and soon over $5000 is wagered collectively.
Some one volunteers to the catering, and the man is faced with another hot'n'stinky.
He picks it up, takes a bite, and pukes all over the place. His pissed off accomplices begrudgingly fork over the lost bet and drag him outside, ready to beat him up.
"What the hell?!" one guy snarls "What'd you fuck that one up for?!"
"I couldn't eat that," the man cried defensively "it had a hair in it!"
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Jason_Harvestdancer · Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 12:38 pm Post subject:

A little old lady visits the doctor's office to complain about an embarassing problem.

"You see doctor, I have a really bad case of gas, but they're all silent and they don't smell. You might not know it but I've been passing gas the entire time I've been in your office."

The doctor gives her an examination, perscribes some medication, and tells her to come back in a week. When she does she is concerned about the effect of the mediction.

"Doctor, they're still constand and silent, but now they stink horribly."

"Good, now that I've cleared up your sinuses, let's do something about your hearing."
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Syndrix · Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 12:41 pm Post subject:

Jason_Harvestdancer · Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 3:04 pm Post subject:

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

****

It was April first when a young father went to the hospital to see his newly born son. Standing outside the glass partition, the nurse pointed to his baby son. The nurse smiled as she lifted the baby from its cot. She then strolled over to the table and bounced the baby's head on the timber. The father was horror-struck and his hands went up to the window. The nurse smiled at him and started to swing the baby by holding it by it's penis and scrotum. The father was pounding frantically at the glass partition by this time. The nurse let go of the baby and with a sickening thud the baby went careering into the wall. Blood and guts went everywhere. The father took a runing jump at the glass partition. The nurse picked up the baby and tore it's arms off as the father went hurtling through the glass. He was foaming at the mouth when he faced the nurse.

She said, "April fools! He was dead already!"

****

There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping such nasty farts. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him, she had finally gotten even!

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was wrong.

He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you"

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers,... I think I got'em all back in!!!"
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