Death and Toddlers

Pixxie · Intern Joined: 18 May 2007 Posts: 75 Local time: 3:55 AM

This is for any of you parents out there who may have dealt with this.

I live in a rather religious conservative area in Michigan. I have a 3 1/2 year old girl and an 21 month old girl. The 3 1/2 year old is just starting to learn about death and I don't know how to explain it without scaring her. Know what I mean? Our 18 year old cat Boris was put to sleep in February, and yesterday she started crying and said "I want him back." The night he was put to sleep both my husband and I just said "he went away." That is SO insufficient in my opinion.

Both of my parents died 8 years ago, and the other night she asked me where my mommy is. I told her that "she's gone and not here any more." She looked at me and took my face in her hands and said sympathetically "do you miss her?" Let me tell you, I almost lost it. When she asked me where my mommy was, again, I was afraid to respond. It's so damn easy to say "oh, they are in heaven" but I'm NOT going there. Instead I just told her that "I don't know."

There has to be a better approach and this subject will come up again. How do you explain death without frightening them and without leaning on the crutch of Heaven as an explanation?

Please help! Any input would be great.
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Moloth · Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 3:44 pm Post subject:

wow... i do NOT envy your position...

i;d be just as honest as you can and as vague as you can be to satisfy what they're asking.
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Last edited by Moloth on Tue Feb 30, 2026 13:61 am; edited 426 times in total

Siderius · Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 3:59 pm Post subject:

Just tell her how it is, that when someone die its because their body has stopped working and thats it as far as we know.
Tell her the cat and your parents are gone forever. Add that their good memories live on. And then talk about the good
times your kid had with the cat or something.

I dont see any reason to soften it in any more than that.

CET · Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 4:30 pm Post subject:

Why not just be honest with her about death? Yes, it'll be hard. No matter hard it is, it HAS to be faced eventually. The more you tap dance around it, the harder it becomes to face, and the worse the consequences for facing it later.

"Honey, remember when I told you Boris 'went away', well I lied, Boris is in fact dead. I hope you don't distrust me now, even though you should since I tried to BS you instead of telling you the truth."

Take a deep breath, steel yourself, and just say it. In the end, you'll be glad you did, and your children will trust and respect you for it.

Then again, I don't have children, so I may just be talkin outta my ass here. Wink

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Mr_C · Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 4:39 pm Post subject:

I also have a 3 year old, but she doesn't grasp the concept of death at all.
I think heaven is a nice way to make it seem like there was a purpose for your parents/dog/etc dying. In fact, I think theists still hold onto that out of fear of death.
All in all, I think Siderius had the best idea:

Nimitz · Guest Local time: 6:55 PM

Death is a subject that's been removed from the home in modern times. People use to die at home. The wake and funeral were also held at home. We've removed it and left it in the hands of someone else.
I just googled up a ton of sites using "TALKING ABOUT DEATH TO CHILDREN" in the search.
This site was just the first on a long list.
http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html

I have pets as well. It's tough on the whole family to have to put one to sleep. But it's the right thing and loving thing to do.
When the time is right you might take her to an animal shelter and have her pick out a kitty she likes.

CET · Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 5:28 pm Post subject:

ApostateLois · Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 8:37 pm Post subject:

I think honesty is the best policy here. You're going to have to start using the word "death" or else she'll get confused. "Gone away" means they went away somewhere and will come back later, or they can be found if she looks for them hard enough. "Put to sleep" means Boris is sleeping and will wake up. I think Siderius' explanation was the best--it's short, simple, and at a level she can grasp, and it emphasizes the positive aspects of good memories and fun times together, rather than the loneliness and sadness.
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tonyman1989 · Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 8:41 pm Post subject: Re: Death and Toddlers

anamoly · Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 9:06 pm Post subject:

"Mommy, where's your mommy?"

"Sweetie, she isn't here anymore."

"Where did she go?"

"She's resting in [cemetary name]."

"Why?"

"Because she isn't alive anymore."

/gasp

"It's okay, it's a natural part of life. She lived a good life and she left so many good things to remember her by. Anytime I take care of you, she's the one who taught me. When I cook for you, she's the one who taught me. When I'm being your mom, she's the one I'm being like. So really, she's not gone forever. She's just not here where we can touch her, or hug her. So if you hug me, it's like you're hugging her."

Let her know it's a natural thing so she won't be afraid. Encourage her to do great good things in her life becuase that's what it's here for. Tell her the cat and her grandparents lived well and that they want her to too. Tell her death is too far away for her to worry about because life is here, right now.

I hope that helped.
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lao tzu · Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 9:16 pm Post subject:

Be careful you don't leave her with the impression she's about to lose her mommy and daddy. Kids that age have no real understanding of time, so it's fair to tell them it's something that only happens to people when they get really old.
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CET · Posted: Thu May 24, 2007 11:20 am Post subject:

My understanding is that children don't understand existential finality, but rather they are distressed by the idea of separation.
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"Much of the suffering in the world comes from the delusion that we are separate from one another." - Gautama Buddha

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PJS · Posted: Thu May 24, 2007 11:31 am Post subject:

BarkAtTheMoon · Posted: Thu May 24, 2007 12:06 pm Post subject:

When my mom died a few years ago from cancer, a hospice counselor came out and talked to the family and seperately to my son a couple days before the memorial service. He was old enough by then to understand what happened, but she was real good about explaining everything including how cremation (or burial) works and that it's basically an empty body that won't be hurt anymore all in a kid-directed style like PJS mentioned. They hold a yearly picnic/BBQ at a local state park for any kid who had a loved one die under hospice care, where they have fun stuff combined with some serious stuff and a little memorial service. Actually, Pixxie, you might consider contacting them about having a counselor talk to your daughter if you see continued reasons to be concerned. I don't know if they regularly do that for families that weren't involved with them before, but they'd at least direct you to someone.
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Specus_Meretricis · Posted: Thu May 24, 2007 4:19 pm Post subject:

I grew up in a very remote, farm like, environment. We raised hunting dogs. There were always still born puppies or a neighbor that had a really cute animal that died or had to be put down. I was very upset and would cry for days when an animal I loved died, but that is apart of growing up. You understand that puppies and mommies sometimes die and it really sucks.
You might not be able to explain actual death to a toddler, just that "they won't come back again" to them.
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