2 jesus jokes

Atheos The Godawful · Visitor Joined: 20 Mar 2008 Posts: 4 Local time: 10:58 AM

you probably heard this one

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"

the 2nd joke (heard it in school)

Why could Jesus walk on water

Because pieces of shit float
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Jason_Harvestdancer · Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 10:59 am Post subject:

Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."

St Peter: "Not likely!"

Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on. St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."

Jesus: "Bugger off!"

Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."

Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God. Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."

God: "Tell him to get lost!"

Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."

God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fuckin' wooden one!"
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dobie · Intern Joined: 10 May 2008 Posts: 61 Local time: 10:58 AM

i'm pretty sure hitler was, deep down inside, not a christian. Most likely he used christian rhetoric to consolodate his power, but certainly he knew what he was doing.

After all, the wise consider religion absurd, the powerful: useful.
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HarkForI · Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 10:54 am Post subject:

Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails down on the counter and asks

"Can you put me up for the night?"

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What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hold up an oil painting.

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Thank you, thank you, I'll be appearing all week at the Days Inn down by the interstate.
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dobie · Intern Joined: 10 May 2008 Posts: 61 Local time: 10:58 AM

They look at him a little funny and reply, "If you give me some sweet loving, girly."
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Americanism -- n. e.g. Who gives a shit??

baddogma · Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 11:38 am Post subject:

Why was Jesus hung on a cross and not stoned?

So Cathylicks can do this (make the sign of the cross)

Instead of this (beat yourself with closed fists.)
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coloringzebras · Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 7:26 am Post subject: Re: 2 jesus jokes

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